The Process

So we continue our process of renovating our house. Glassman and Craftymama took out a wall in the bathroom, and took out the old toilet and then we spent the next 8 hours installing the new one and building a wall. It was a long process but we have a new wall and a toilet and we did it all ourselves. Its not perfect, but it's gonna work. A full bathroom reno is in the future as well.

I'm impressed with the rate of progress. Craftymama wants to go faster, and Glassman - well I'm not sure he cares either way, but that's part of his personality.

Owning and renovating your own house is fun and stressful and a lot of work. But in the end, it will be worth it.

I have also been getting myself more informed or knowledgeable of the LGBT community. I joined a group on facebook, and have been reading and what not. I guess before I never felt like I fit into that crowd, but I'm realizing that both to myself and to others - I am currently in a lesbian relationship, and thus I do fit in, and should know what's going on.

I didn't realize how many people were still homophobic. I find myself angered at the things that are still unequal, and angered at how different it still is. I don't know. I am both excited and nervous about displaying my true colours, not that it really changes who I am, but maybe by completely embracing it I will feel more comfortable with it.

This entry was all over the place. But..it is what it is.

Go Team...?

So..we bought an old house. Craftymama fell in love with the oldness of it and getting to reno it, I fell in love with it being so different than most houses and Glassman is just along for the ride. Problem with an old house is that they need, usually, a lot of work and an owner who has both time and money to deal with it.

Time AND money..I don't feel I have one of those things, let alone both of those things.

But Craftymama and Glassman they like to tear shit down, and just get 'er done. To my surprise, I am quite hesitant to do that kind of stuff - especially right after the move, right before Christmas. I think my hesitation is annoying to them.

They want to rip up floors replace toilets, take out dishwashers and closet doors, paint all the things, and Glassman wants to put a new heater core in his car at the same time so I stop bitching about the heat in the mornings on the way to work.

Me, I like slow and steady. I like being prepared. Who knows what we're going to discover when we rip things apart. For example:

1) We took up the lino on the stairs the day after we moved in. Nothing major revealed. Just nice wood floors that need paint. Thats a slight risk. Craftymama and I did this by ourselves. Glassman did come in and nail down all the left over nails.

2) We put a door back on the on back porch. no risk. Craftymama and I did this one. No men required!

3) Craftymama is painting all the things. Moderate risk, but only insomuch as the kids can be occupied. There really isn't extra cost to this which is nice.

4) Removal of island. slight risk. We didn't know how we would function without that counter space or what was under that floor.

5) Change toilets to get in on the duncan toilet rebate program. moderate-high risk. We have now gotten ourselves into a corner with this one. We need a 10" rough in but none of the toilets out there that are 10" meet the duncan requirements. So we need to take out a little 1" wall that extends out right behind the toilet. Then we can get a 12" rough in toilet. I broke the laminate, and there is water damage behind there. In theory drywall isn't hard...but still..it's much more of a task then simply changing out a toilet. Craftymama and Glassman are vibrating with excitement over getting to demolish a wall. I'll be sure to take pictures.

6) Removal of dishwasher. moderate risk. I am also positive there is water damage under the floor - and I don't wanna deal with that shit yet. But the kids keep touching buttons and it is quite the eye sore.

Reno's are stressful yo!

Us3 - redux

So we moved, and I was reminded, again - of how well the three of us work together. However, learning this has come at a price..one I didn't realize before.

The three of us work so excellently together - at least in the logistical stance. We are able to move efficiently and handle high stress situations better than most groups of people. We were up for over 22hrs together, and managed to calm our tempers for the most part. Glassman and I moved shit, Andrea organized. We each had meltdowns over something: Craftymama over leaving her green house, Glassman over a license plate and working the next day, and me over my shear exhaustion. But we did it, and we didn't kill each other.

However, that brought out some insecurity in Craftmama, who sees me and Glassman so comfortable with each other that sometimes she thinks that I would rather be with him than her. I can understand that fear. I used to have it with Cableman and her. It's true for the both of us, if we could go back in time and not have "life" happen than our lives would be easier with our still legal husbands. That doesn't mean I want it. Glassman and I will always be comfortable around each other, we have known each other too long to not be - but she makes me feel so incredible and so loved that I would want to be with no one but her. Glassman can make me laugh, he can make anyone laugh - but she makes me feel safe, and just wonderful - and she makes me laugh too.

I know how to feels though to see someone you love so much be so comfortable with someone else - its intimidating. I had it with FirstLove and Craftymama. It's hard. It requires so much trust and faith in the relationship and we all falter - this was just her turn I guess.

I hope I am able to restore her faith in us, just as she was able to with me.

Us 3

So I think I have posted before, when the three of us we're together, how we all manage to support each other, and how it's nice to have two people to fall back on..

So today..I got into a car accident. I swear the light was green, but whats done is done. I will now have a ticket for running the red light, the cost of the van, and my insurance will go up. I am so flipping angry at myself. Oh yeah, did I mention we are moving tomorrow?

Craftymama, who I thought would be so overwhelmed with my accident that she would shut down, was immediately supportive and comforting. Glassman, who I thought would be nothing but angry, asked if I was okay - that was the first thing he said. He didn't really care - what happens it happens, "meh" he says.

I am more than surprised at their reactions. They are better people than I, I think I would be upset or angry, and maybe they are but they know the proper response is to not be, because I didn't do it on purpose, it wasn't intentional. But maybe that's what I needed, maybe I needed something crappy to happen to be reminded of how awesome these people I have in my life are. But I didn't think I needed reminding. Maybe I needed reminding that we can still work together in some fashion even though we aren't in a relationship.

It's been so "us" and "him" lately. But really, the three of us still live under the same roof. Still parent together, still function together - so we do still have to operate as a team.

Or maybe I'm reading more into this than I should. Maybe most people are just good, I'm just a crappier person for thinking I'd be angry. I mean, when they joked about getting a speeding ticket - I did have to swallow rage.

IDK...accidents suck. Accidents with cop cars are just cruel..cause really..its a flipping cop car.

A New Space

So our house has enough bedrooms for everyone. I'm decorating the boys' room, Craftymama is doing the girls' room. The bathroom downstairs is being done together. As is the kitchen. Glassman's room is also upstairs. Our dining room is huge and will be a part play area for the kids, and the living room is awesome - but needs some work. But there are these 2.5 other rooms in the house. One room is off the kitchen, almost like an eating nook - its painted an awesome yellow that I love. Then there is like a mini room off that room where the furnace is. The third room is a little room upstairs at the end of the hall with a smaller door and slanted ceilings.

The kids need lots of room to play - we know this. It'd be nice to have a place that was Craftymama and I. To sew, to do school, to paint, to have a space. As much as I REALLY REALLY want that room upstairs, I think it makes the most sense for that to be the kids's main play area. With books and pillows, and playsilks, and softer toys that go with the darkened space. They will also have a play kitchen somewhere as well.

So that leaves the little room downstairs. There are also two sheds out in the garden that could be for the kids too.

Idk..this post is very rambly, but as we approach moving day I'm trying to get a feel of what goes where. I'd like to have an adult space, and I think there is room for it - its just a question of logistics.

Moving day is coming. A house of our own to decorate, and fight over, and do anything we want with. Its exciting - when its not overwhelming.

Pseudo Dad - Redux

So..There is another girl who works in my warehouse now. We shall call her Stonerchic. Stonerchic drives a minivan, has two kids (I think...she has at least one). She drops her kids off at care during the day. She is kinda of hippie, likes to get stoned, and is way beyond super organized. I don't like or dislike her. She is a woman, so I am naturally distrusting. However, the point is there is another mom working here. I asked my coworker, we will call him gingerkid, as opposed to my boss who shall be called EgoScientist. Gingerkid is the one who called me a pseudo dad not too long ago. I asked him if Stonerchic was a pseudo dad as well.

He says: No

Apparently the mere act of working and not taking care of your kids during the day does not make you more a mom than a dad - which is what I thought it meant. He says I am just as much of a mom as stonerchic - *cue inner excitement at not losing my mom status*. I ask what makes me a pseudo dad.

He tells me its because of Craftymama, because of our relationship. Stonerchic is I believe I single mom, but she is no where near a pseudo dad - because she is the mom - there is no other mom.

Now, the rest of this I am inferring. So in his little ginger head, gingerkid believes that homes have moms and dads - and that's that. To be honest - I think its about 60% now have moms and dads - most are divorced, some are same sexed. But that fact that's its historical and still the majority means that anything that falls outside that standardized norm, must somehow be made to fit. So..since the majority of families have a mom and dad who are together...how does my family fit into that. Its easy in our case. Craftymama stays home - I go to work.

It wouldn't matter how many sweaters I knit, or how many meals I slave over, or how many stories I read - to the eyes of most people in society the simple fact that I go to work to support my family makes me the dad. I feel like a failure even with that label because I don't make enough to support our family, we do rely on the men.

So at least now I know its not just because I work that I'm the pseudo dad - its because there is the stay at home parent. Apparently, homes have a mom and a dad and that's it.

I want my kids to grow up believing that families can have many styles and there isn't one normal, one standard. I don't want M one day to tell his coworker that she's a pseudo dad.

Labels hurt - and I didn't really realize it until lately.

Moving

So we are moving in 8 days.

That's crazy.

A house start over in, kind of. Same people - same set up - different location.

I'm hoping it makes things better. I'm hoping once all this buying a house moving business is done with that there will be less stress for all. Maybe it will help everyone chill the fuck out a bit. I don't know. Everyone is on edge.

I haven't had a big part of the packing - mostly because I have been working or otherwise unavailable.

I'm worried about craftymama. She is so strong, and she doesn't realize it. I hope she still thinks this is all worth it. Glassman is going through his own stresses, and we no longer have the type of relationship where he tells me whats up.

The kids are growing and excited for the changes ahead. R keeps talking about all the things he wants to do at the new house. But he has also been claiming that he doesn't want to be a kid anymore. It's mostly because he wants to drive a car, but it pains us all - you don't appreciate being a kid until you aren't one, and nothing we say or do can convince him of this.
K is a lot. She is a diva, and a princess and all the things that come with that. She seems to have difficulties with her own identity. She is doing a lot of copying and needing a lot of physical attention - hugs and what not. I wonder if she is feeling insecure, and I wonder why.
M..well..M has entered 3 with the same speed he was born at. He hit it hard and hasn't stopped. He doesn't do well with chaos, and we all overlook that fact because he is so busy. He needs the physical security that K is craving as well.
LittleR is growing. And its hard for me to let her grow. She is talking more, and its awesome. Craftymama is done with her coming into bed in the morning, but I'm not ready to give that up yet. Those morning nursing and cuddling sessions make me feel more like a mom than anything else I do - I need those moments still. I know they will fade soon, and I know I need to redefine my role as a mom. But I'm grasping at anything I can. I have to find a way to get Craftymama more sleep though. I'll try bringing LittleR to the couch again.

Life goes on and on and on. I now doubt that it will slow down, but maybe soon we will stop having to make giant decisions and we can just exist in our chaos.

I love all of my family, and I want nothing more than for us to find balance and peace.

And a Puppy makes...an owl?

Millie is SO MUCH. We knew she would be - she is a puppy. We each have different experiences with puppies - and none of them come close to the energy and destructive level that Millie possesses. With four kids 5 and under its a lot of work. The kids spend most of the day upstairs because Millie gets all their things. I feel bad for her. She is such a loveable cute giant thing of a puppy. She is quite awesome. But I don't know if its fair to her or to us to keep her. There is a two week trial period that we are on.

Craftymama wonders what giving her back will teach the kids. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that keeping her stresses everyone out, even though the kids love her to pieces - they are only a little afraid of her. I think its better to have tried something and corrected your mistake while you can, rather than keep her out of guilt.

I love millie - she is such an awesome attitude of a stubborn dog. She is super awesome - I just don't think she is right for our home. I think we have made the decision to give her back, and I will cry when it happens and so will the kids, and so will craftymama and I think Glassman likes her a little bit too.

One day we will have an addition to our family that Craftymama and I get together...either a dog or a baby...or maybe an owl...I vote owl. Babies are hard to figure out and have so many complications (but oh how I want one), the dog didn't seem to work out...but come on..owl's are awesome..and they eat mosquitos, and I hate mosquitos.

Two Years

Two years ago tonight Craftymama had a moment that changed both of our lives forever. I had been knitting my mishka (my mother) her Christmas Slippers, and then was balling the most epic ball of yarn ever; it was the size of my head. Craftymama and Glassman were msn'ing. It was a hard time for me. We had just begun our triad/quad. I had had craftymama all to myself for the better part of two years. WE talked on msn every night. Now all of a sudden I had to share that msn time with her.

On top of that I was madly in love with her. My envy of of Glassman's getting to be with here was getting overwhelming. They wanted me to fake it with Cableman, to see if it could work. No one knew how I felt about Craftymama. Each stitch, each purl my level of upset grew. My spirit was breaking. I loved her so much - more than I ever should have at that time. She had told me on a number of (drunken) occasions that she didn't like women in that sense. I had no right feeling like I did.

They finished talking and Glassman asked if I wanted to talk to her. I sat for a minute deciding what I should do. I started that conversation with the outright intent of telling Craftymama that I could support her relationship with Glassman 100% but I couldn't be her friend anymore. I couldn't be that close with her, know about her relationship with Glassman and still be okay with being friends with her. I told her I was devastated at losing her as a friend - but that it had to be done.

It was then, on her end, that something clicked. I cant describe it (though I would encourage Craftymama to write a guest post here about this). She said she loved me, and couldn't stand losing me. Within 2 minutes of this revelation we were going for a walk.

I will never forget seeing her across the intersection and how nervous I was. I wondered if I looked okay, if I would cry, or if I would hold her hand. I didn't do any of those things. I don't think we talked about much. I think we just needed that time for the knowledge of our love for each other to just exist between us. To feel it connect for the first time. It was magic.

The night of November 16th changed everything. I have often wondered what would have happened if I didn't push Craftymama to realize how she felt. I wonder where would we all be. Would I still be with Glassman and would we have another baby? Would she still be with Cableman and would she have had another baby? Would we have been pregnant together? Would our kids be going to a waldorf school still?

So many what ifs. And yet - it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because I am with her. She has been with me for the last two years and her support has never waivered. She loves me unconditionally and makes me feel beautiful. She challenges me. She is the single most perfect woman in the world for me - and every day I wonder how I got so lucky. I love her with every piece of myself. She is funny, and kind, and nurturing, and creative, and sexy and a thousand other adjectives.

I could talk forever about her.

Point is - Its been two years now since we became an official couple. November 16th 2009 is one of the most pivotal and important days of my life.

And Indeed..a Puppy Made something

We picked up our puppy today. Her name is Millie (named after the street that Craftymama's dream home is on). She is a cute little brownie-black husky/shepherd cross like thing. Quite cute.

I'm trying to get attached - which is weird. I'm trying to find my place with her. Right now Im at work while she is introduced to the kids and our neighbourhood. I know I will have very little to do with her day to day care. Maybe that's my hang up on everything. Because I'm not the lead, or the head, or the top of something - I naturally feel left out, and so I don't know what road or avenue to take in my relationships with any of those things (house, school, work..etc). So my default is to not want to be involved at all. I dont have a defined role - and dont have the enery or care to create one. I dont know.

Im excited about Millie, I do like dogs. They are fun and energetic and full of life. Maybe things will be different. Maybe I need to give it an chance with my arms and heart open...

Cableman thinks we are stupid for getting a dog while we are moving - I dont disagree..but he is SO not the one to be lecturing on stupid life mistakes. Getting a dog is far less stupid than some of the things he is doing. Glassman..well..he is neutral - as always.

R is apparently apprehensive. K loves her and I'm told the feeling is mutual, and M is cautious. No word on LittleR yet.

I want coffee. I need some spunk today...so maybe..if only for today..a puppy makes coffee appear lol

And a Puppy makes...?

So its no secret to anyone that knows me that I've always wanted a dog. Since high school, where my mentor had 2-3 Malamutes, I was hooked. I wanted a malamute. They are giant, and gentle, and big, and smart and just wonderful creatures. I am awed by them. Craftymama has also always wanted a dog - her goals, as always, were more familial: she wanted Golden Retriever. So..we want a dog.

Glassman, on the other hand, is quite anti-dog, and R is scared of dogs generally. So..do we get a dog? On the one hand this seems like the worst time to get a dog - we are buying a house and moving after all. On the other hand, with my depression, Andrea leaving her green house, no sign of a baby anywhere in the future, and general life stresses it sure would be nice to have something happy, something to look forward to in a way.

We went and looked at this 5yr old Malamute at the local SPCA. I fell in love. She was a big gentle giant. The downside is that she comes with all her adult dog quirks, and wasn't raised around kids - though seems fine with them. We also went and saw a husky/shepherd cross puppy. He was adorable! It'd be awesome to have a dog right from puppy hood. But, a puppy requires immediate training - she nips after all.

So do we get one of these dogs? If so..which one?

And then there is glassman - who simply doesn't want a dog. He doesn't even take responsibility for the pets he wanted/payed for. Technically he is choosing to live with us at Wharncliffe, so we are free to get a dog. On the other hand, we do need to (do we?) need to take his needs into consideration. So Idk..

And then there is the whole thing of wanting something that I feel is mine - and with working full time, and commuting to Nanaimo for work - the dog wont be mine, no matter what it is. But that's a whole separate issue...

So..a dog..a puppy..a canine of some sort may be in our future. I am nervously optimistic that this is a good thing.

Introspection

Halloween came and Halloween went. The kids dressed up in hand me down handmade costumes and all was fine and good.

It was weird trick or treating. Last year when the 8 of us went: me, craftymama, glassman, cableman, R, K, M, and LittleR we travelled around to the grandparents house and showed them off. The year before that life had exploded but we had our first holiday together - we walked a cool street close to our house. This year, we walked that cool street again. It was like venturing back in time. I kept having flashbacks outside houses of what happened two years ago.

In front of one house I had had to hold back tears as glassman and craftymama brought the kids up to the door together - I kept thinking about the energy that must be between them as they were alone for those brief moments and how I so longed for that with Craftymama myself.

In front of another house I remember going up with Cableman with the kids and realizing how awkward we were around each other and wondering if that would ever stop.

And in front of another house I remembered almost passing out because I really was that sick. I ended up having swine flu and literally thought I was going to die. Its quite funny now - but it was serious business then.

Two years later craftymama and I have a spark between us, a comfortable permanent spark. Glassman and I will always have that history that something that makes us connect - that will never go away. I miss the deeper spark at times, but the little spark is confusing. And cableman and I are still awkward around each other.

Two years.

Little has changed. Everything is different.

All Hallow's Eve

Halloween is coming. As with all holidays there is a slight tension in the air between Craftymama and myself. We differ wildly on the practice and purpose of holidays. In short - I don't like them, or at least how they are practiced conventionally.

Halloween is an easier one I guess. There isn't much to it. There is the stress of making a costume - I cant buy costumes for two reasons 1) that'd cheating, and cheaters dont deserve candy and 2) I can't make myself be okay with spending $50 minimum for our four kids' costumes on a holiday that is over in two hours - we have better things we could spend that money on, in my mind. So we make them. Only this year, it's the 28th, and no costumes have been made. Life has been hectic and chaotic and so so crazy that we just haven't had time, and frankly, I have been incapable of it. So what do we do?

We can either buy the costumes - and I can tremble a little inside, they can all go as ghosts or something (I totally rocked the ghost costume one year!), we can buckle down and actually make them something, or we can not celebrate it this year because everything else is going on.

I dont know what we do - I feel I can't make this decision because good or bad Craftymama will be handling, dealing with, or doing most of it. But I know she doesnt want to make the decision either.

3 days...the answer will come in three days. Oh - and of course the men remain quiet.

The Poor Kids

Our kids go to a waldorf school . This isn't a debate on waldorf. We pay for their schooling, so in essence it is a private school. I also went to a private school . Dont get me wrong, I never went without, we weren't poor. But I was definately one of two poor kids at the school. I wasnt angry, then or now, at my mom for being the poor kid - I was at a private school - of course the majortity of the people are richer than I. But I hated the feeling. I hated that I knew I was not as well off, and that I didn't have the latest uniform shit, or that my uniform pieces were hand me dows etc etc.

I dont want that for my kids. It was an awful feeling. Their school has a lot of clothing requirements. Things like no logos or characters Im totally on board with. Things like no jewlery - while I disagree with, I accept because it is a private school and it is their call. What gets me is all the requirements for warmth. They need rain boots, and snow boots, rain pants, and snow pants, light jackets, rain jackets, and snow jackets. They need a thousand different pieces of clothing. Our kids' boots are their boots. We layer for winter. I dont have the funds to provide four kids with 4 different jackets each. And I feel awful being unable to do that. Almost like Im a lesser parent because Im not providing the best for the kids in their eyes. Or I feel like shit about my job because if I made more money we could afford it.

Craftymama shares more of the views on warmth than I do. I agree with the priciple, just not the application. But even she disagrees with the extreme. Though I think she is being roped in on the whole Bog boots thing . Thankfully she has let the muddy buddy thing blow over. All the kids and parents have these two items - it like a cult Im told. Ive never actually witnessed it - but I believe it.

Glassman stays quiet - as he normally does. Guys just dont seem to care about the intricacies of wardrobe and class systems at schools. lol

In which I talk about pretty much nothing

Craftymama and I are in a different kind of relationship. Same sex couples aren't new, we aren't breaking new ground, we dont face the same kind of persecution and discrimination that those before us did. But - its still different. As a result of this both of us are noticing how the world is not only catered to the norm there are biases and beliefs that are so engrained in culutre that we dont even see them.

On a school form for the kids it asks for mother and father. Simple - who thinks anything of this? I sure didnt before. But now..we are mother and mother - so we often find ourselves crossing this off. Cableman and Glassman are involved with the kids of course - but not really with school. All school stuff is us. Now, we arent thinking it should say mother and mother, or that we should have different forms. But shouldnt it say parent 1 and parent 2?

I've also been doing reading on what it would take for Craftymama and I to have a baby together. Screw the actual getting pregnant and finding sperm business. But did you know that after Craftymama and I have the baby the one who didnt give birth (the non gestational parent) has to apply to adopt the baby. And with that process comes: homestudy's, letters of reference, job letters, criminal record checks, and a letter from the gestational parent stating why they want their partner/spouse to adopt their own child. Oh..and fees. Anywhere from $1200-$2500 I've seen. To adopt your own child. The NGP will have been there through everything, through the trials and tribulations of trying to get pregnant, pregnancy, and birth and still they have to pay to adopt their own kid. Two people can have a one night stand and the sperm donor would be more of a legal parent to their kid right off the bat. Its so annoying - and honestly, it makes me so angry. I shake with rage when I think about it. Its so unfair. One day it wont be like this. Just like before craftymama and I wouldnt have been able to get married - one day..same sex couples wont have to prove that they are worthy of parenting their own children.

Im still shy - tbh. Craftymama has joined this group on facebook that I had seen previously and wanted to join - but couldnt bring myself to do it. About 90% of people on my facebook still think Im with glassman. I wouldnt care if they knew I wasnt. I dont want them to think I was. Im not ashamed or embarassed of being with Craftymama either. Its...idk..I dont want the extra attention. I even like attention...Idk what it is..Maybe Im afraid of disappointing people. IDK..Id scream to the world about how much I love her..but why cant I stand up for our relationship on facebook?

Pseudo Dad

The pseudo dad...thats what I am called at my work. To some extend - I fit that role better. I told Craftymama about this and we got into a discussion about labels. I am a working mom - there is a difference between that and being a dad; even though some of the emotions/problems or whatever are the same.

People so easily want to put others into a mold, something that they are more comfortable with; just so they can feign understanding. I dont fit the dad role, in the typical sense; nor do I fit the mom one either. My position is hard. I am reminded frequently of how difficult it is.

But I then realized that at no time in my life have I ever really fit a typical label. I never was a typical high schooler - I didnt have a lot of friends. I wasn't the typical type of student that went to my all girl's private school. I didn't fit the typical university life. Etc etc etc..when it comes to my social interactions or my relationships I have never been typical, never been normal, never fit in with one group or another. And maybe, maybe, that's my struggle. I yearn to belong somewhere. To have a group of people that I fit in with.

Its not that i want to be normal..I like standing out. But in standing out..I feel like I am always looking in to the places I long to be. I long to fit in with the guys at work, I long to be as care free as them. I long to fit in as a stay at home mom. I yearn to fit in with the parents at the kids school and talk about pregnancy and argue about warmth. I so want to feel like I fit in with adults buying their first homes..but I dont. I am all of those things and I am none of them.

Committed

The three of us are committed.

We have agreed to buy a house together. Well, that was the plan, but Glassman's credit wasn't good enough so Craftymama and me are buying it and Glassman will be paying into contingencies, and property tax etc with the intention of going on the mortgage in a year. The offer has been accepted and we have been approved by CMHC...so its just the inspection and what not left.

Its funny, not all that much has changed and yet everything is different. We still live with glassman, he still buys us coffee, we still get him stuff, and we still drink together occasionally. And we are getting this house together. It seems all very relationshippy - and yet, we aren't. There is that spark missing. To be honest, sometimes its still there. Sometimes I can see Craftymama and Glassman look at eachother and its exactly as it was before. Sometimes glassman picks me up and spins me around and its exactly as it was before.

We are creating a new breed of family - again. Its different, but it doesnt mean its bad. There are more people to love the kids - and thats really the most important. We are all happy - save for the few days here and there where we just get stabby and irritated.

Its weird, and its not weird and there are benefits and drawbacks...but here we are...again... Us3plus4.

Working

Yeah, I know I said my next post would be on my potential relationship with Glassman in the future..but...I want to talk about something else.

After we all separated incomes last December, Craftymama and I realized that we needed more income. It was originally decided that we would both go to work part time, however - it was much easier for me to get a job then it was for her given that she has always wanted to be a stay at home mom, so doesn't have the same level of experience I do. I immediately got a job at a local coffee shop. Three months later I also got a job at a pipe shop. I quit the coffee shop job, and got promoted to a different area at the pipe place - essentially selling our herbs. I am a director of marketing now - sounds a lot more glamorous than it actually is.

Its weird. With Glassman's hours being significantly cut back at work, he is spending a lot of time at home both with the little kids while Craftymama take the big ones to school, or at home parenting with Craftymama. I blogged before about the jealousy that Glassman felt with me being at home with Craftymama, even though it wasn't quality time. On this end..I feel like the extra parent. The good Guy that I always saw Glassman as when he came home from work. I am a commodity. I don't have an active role in parenting like I used to.

I miss things. I dont hear about their days at school, because by the time I get home they have moved on. I dont know their likes and dislikes as well as I used to, and I have to get updates on their moods when I get home. Its a weird shift.

I'm not entirely sure I like it. I like going to work in the sense that I feel logistically useful, but I miss my kids. I miss staying at home and finding five minutes here or there to knit a few stitches. I miss trading off with Craftymama so we can get a break. I miss it all.

Craftymama is going to school to become a vet tech - and I was supposed to be going to school to study herbs so that I could eventually open my own clinic and treat people, but my school plans went on hold when I didn't qualify for a student loan and we wanted to buy a house. Now, I don't believe we can afford for me to go to school. Craftymama will be working, at least part time, and I will be staying at home - eventually. I am looking forward to staying at home. I am sad at the fact that I finally found something I actually enjoy doing, and could potentially make a respectable career - but I am financially unable to do it. It doesn't seem fair. But I suppose in giving up that desire, I get to fulfill the desire that is staying at home with my kids.

I don't know. I wish I was more involved. I wish any involvement I had didn't feel forced, or simply like I was being being placated because I don't feel connected. I'm not sure where the balance is...I just know I don't have it right now.

HOLY CRAP

Its been a long time since I've updated. Over a year! Lots has changed! Lots has gone on! But I want to start blogging again. I liked having a place to talk about the questions that come up with a poly relationship.

So a quick driveby of what has changed.

-Cableman moved out, and had a baby with HWB (thats her name from now on in this blog)
- We changed S's name, so on this blog she will now be referred to as LittleR
- Me and Craftymama are no longer in a relationship with Glassman, but he still lives with us.
- Glassman took a sudden trip to Europe last year to find himself.
- R and K go to school, a waldorf school.
- I am working as a director or marketing for a herbal company
- Craftymama is going back to school to become a Vet Tech.
- We are planning a move to a town about an hour away to be closer to the kids school.
- Craftymama and I really want another baby!
- I am currently battling severe depression and was working with a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist. Its been a really rough year.
- I have dyed my hair bluey black and I love it. It expresses my personality more. I really want it to be long.

Im going to try to update here more. I know no one really reads this, but maybe one day..one day they will.

OH, and I do still identify with poly, completely. I am not opposed to a relationship with Glassman again. More on that in my next post.