Tuesday, May 3, 2016

You Never Doubted My Warped Opinions

So we moved the kids around. They had been having 'sleepovers' in the basement with random assortment of children involved and we found a combination in which everyone slept better. So now, LittleR shares a room with J upstairs, BigR has his own room upstairs, and K and M have the room downstairs. M actually goes to sleep at a reasonable hour, LittleR can actually fall asleep in her own bed instead of on our floor, and BigR is so excited to have his own room; he's really the kid that needs it, he gets cranky if he doesn't have his own space. It's been good so far, though everyone has been up earlier than they were before which kind of sucks.

I am experiencing a few challenges with my new job. I have been sent home early most days, and actually have had this whole week, including tomorrow, off of work because there isn't enough for me to do. It's frustrating because I already took a pay cut for this job, and to not get full time hours on top of that makes me really stressed out. I'm thinking I might approach one of my bosses and ask if this is what I can expect for the foreseeable future. I don't want to give up on my dream, but I am realistic, I may get a part time job to help supplement my income, but it will depend on my hours at the funeral home. I know things will get better once I learn more and can do more, but I think they are waiting until I am a certified apprentice, which doesn't happen until June to start introducing me to the true nature of the job. It's been nice to spend some extra time with family though, and Craftymama has enjoyed not having to be the sole person in charge of cleaning and cooking.

I have now met Craftymama's girlfriend. They have been dating for about two months now, though craftymama says she feels like its been a lot longer. Craftymama is really happy, and you can see it in her smile on a daily basis - it's wonderful to see. I do feel compersion, amidst my feelings, that she is so happy. Craftymama's girlfriend, we will call her....PolyK, is outspoken, and loud, and open, and really friendly. I have hung out with her three times, and I would like to get to know her better, and on a level separate than just craftymama's girlfriend. I would like to be able to get to the point where I can discuss my insecurities with her, and actually feel comfortable enough with her for us all to hang out with me getting that slightly nervous, almost fear like feeling. That will come with time though.

I also really wish I could find someone. I have been on a few more dates. I don't know. Maybe I am too damn picky, craftymama says I am. There is this one guy, we will call him - TheHunter, that I have had a silly crush on for probably a year. Things have been really flirtatious between us since December. I have been forward with what I want, and unfortunately it wasn't what he was looking for. He is married, but in an open relationship. They have rules that they strictly follow, which is different than craftymama and I. We have gone out for lunch and we talk nearly daily about everything from sex, to gardening, to darts, to relationships. It's really nice. I just wish something more could happen but I don't know what my next step is. Both PolyK and craftymama tell me he is into me and to go for it, but I have put myself out there, twice, and was turned down, so I don't want to put myself out ther again. I need him to make the next move, but I don't think he will.

I have also been thinking a lot about my sexuality. Sexuality is something I have frequently pondered. For years, after my sister came out as gay, everyone made fun of me and told me I was gay. I cried several times about it, and had many meltdowns. What always got me was that I was attracted to women, and have always known that, but never wanted to admit it to anyone because I didn't want anyone to be right about my sexuality - because who the fuck were they to tell me who I am just because of who my sister is. I have always known I was attracted to both men and women, it was never an issue - it was just my way of life. I had crushes on women, and fooled around with women, but would never have a relationship with them because I didn't want people to be right. Now, where I am now, I find I have embraced being attracted to and in a relationship with a woman. I feel completely comfortable and confident with that. But almost too much. It almost feels like..I don't know..like I ignored my attraction to women outwardly for so long, that now I wish I wasn't attracted to men at all so I could almost make up for lost time. I have a hard time with being bisexual. I want to just freaking pick a team, and I know how awful that is - trust me. I don't like not feeling confident in my sexuality. I want to be able to just date men and women and not care. But when I date women, all I think of is craftymama and how every woman compares to her, and when I date men I think about how I wish I wasn't attracted to them (Except for TheHunter...he has a special place because it has been so damn long, and really, it just needs to happen now). I'm not confused about my sexuality, I am pretty sure I am bisexual. What I am having issue with is approving of myself, and actually accepting myself as a bisexual person. I have been struggling with that for awhile and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Ugh! Just another aspect of my personality I am trying to accept.

I have also been trying to come to terms with how having borderline personality disorder is going to continue to affect me. I have been making great strides in self improvement over the last few months, but there are some things - like emotional overreactions, that continue to be challenging for me. It is a part of the disease, and it's something I am going to have to work with. Bpd does not get cured, neither does bipolar. I can manage them, but at the same time, I will always display symptoms of them, and will always be on medication. I need to learn to work with my illnesses instead of ignoring them or thinking they are the only thing that define me. There is more to me than the way my brain malfunctions.

I am getting a new tattoo on Saturday, so freaking stoked about that! It's a forearm piece, geometric in design and very cool. It's going to be a long session as he wants to do it in one sitting, so it will be a long time of sitting still and having needles poked into my arm over and over.

I am also now a yellow belt in kenpo. I passed my test! I was exhausted and dying at the end of the sparring rounds: five two minute rounds of one on one, and then one one minute round of two on one - and that's after all the physical testw (push ups, sit ups etc), forms, kicks, combos. But I am yellow belt, I am so freaking proud of myself :)

Monday, April 11, 2016

Let the ashes fall, forget about me

My new job is going great! I'm loving what I do. So far I haven't been able to actually do very much but I have watched pacemakers be removed, the preparation of bodies for viewing, I've done transfers from the hospital, listened in on arrangements and pre arrangements and done a lot of reading on regulations and laws and all things that govern death. It feels valuable, and it feels amazing to be part of it. I work with good people too. All of them, save for one, are quite a bit older than me - I had to show one person how to open a jpeg file. But we get along well and there have been many laughs. The manager of the homes is a guy my age and he is proving fun to work with as well. We get along, and we have a lot in common. We clicked right away and I am finding mysef quite comfortable with him. I think we will be great friends.

I had a bit of a falling out with my mother, surprise surprise. I had messaged her asking if she had plans for aspecific day as me and the family were going to come down to Coombs and Qualicum to see her and go to the beach and hit up the market. She immediately chastised me for not ever phoning her, though she never calls me either. Stuff was said and I was hurt so I stopped responding as I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to. Fast forward like 2 weeks and I get a text out of nowhere saying she wants to see me and the girls and she won't take any conditions or beg. I told her she didn't have to beg but she couldn't exclude my family. It's been nearly 7 years, they boys, Craftymama, they are my family whether she wants to accept it or not. I tod her she had no right to say the things she has said to me as she does not know me at all anymore. I told her I would always love her and want a relationship with her but I would not do it while she treated me and my family like she has been. I am sad. I love my mother, and we were once very close - inseparable. But clearly her accepting my family has been an act, and she doesn't really think of the boys as her grandkids. She has shown she does not wish to know me or my life unless it is on her terms only. When we can meet in the middle - then we will be able to have a true meaningful relationship.

Things have never been better and never been worse in terms of the open relationship aspect of my life. I have gone on a total of 3 dates - the most recent guy ended up being a douche and told me that my kids were too much baggage. I actually get that a lof from men. Oh well. I'm not doing too well at the online dating thing, and it's actually getting to me. I want to meet someone who I click with and go on more than one date with. Craftymama on the other hand has met a woman who she clicked with immediately. They have been out several times and she has said there is the real potential for serious feelings. This was hard for me at first as I thought we had said no serious relationships, but you can't really control how feelings develope. I either feel completely fine with being open and like mine and craftymam's relationship can handle anything or I feel the complete opposite and like I can't get a grip on my emotions at all. They get very overwhelming sometimes - yes I have done the ugly screaming crying by myself in the van. Speaking truthfully, I don't think I could handle craftymama having more than one relationship, so we are holding things here for now. I need some time to adjust and get a grip on myself. Craftymama says she is learning a lot about herself and what makes her happy through this process. I am learning a lot about myself as well, but not through dating other people (as that has not worked for me sigh) but through having to work through my extreme emotions and come out a rational human being - I am not always successful. Craftymama has been amazingly supportive and wants to help me where she can which is wonderful. I hope I meet someone one day, because right now I kind of feel lonely and like she gets to have all the fun while I do all the personal work.

I realized through this process that what I was really after or wanted from being non-monogamous was polyfidelity. I wanted a committed closed relationship between multiple people, but I think I would still be okay with having just fun hookup options on the side. This having my wife in a potentially serious relationship with someone else was not what I wanted, but it is not necessarily a bad thing, I just have to get to a different mindset, which is what I am working on.

The kids are good. BigR has been having issues at Maple Hill and its proving to not be the right fit for him at this time so we are finding some childcare for him for the rest of this second short term program that is being run. K wants to join Scouts next year as they go on more camping trips than brownies does. M has started a cooking class and it is totally up his alley and he is loving it! He has always said his favourite thing is eating - ha ha.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

You Are Made of the Seas and the Stars

It's been another month - I know. I'm awful at this lately. There is just so much going on that it's hard to find the time or the drive to sit down in front of the computer at the end of the day. I spend 8.5 hours of my day staring at not one but two computer screens, and I know we usually watch Netflix at night (which is another screen) but it's different when you can sit and relax and zone out.

However, that staring at a screen for the whole day thing is about to change. I start a new job on the 21st! I was hired to be an funeral director apprentice! Assuming all goes well, and I don't see why it wouldn't, I will start trade school in September. This is what I have been thinking my dream career is for quite some time now. It's something that I really want to do and I really feel passionate about. I just love the whole process and feel honoured to assist people during those extremely difficult moments of their lives. I was hired at a funeral home that has locations in both Ladysmith and Nanaimo, I will primarily be working in Ladysmith - which while still a commute, is a lot less than driving to Duncan every day. I feel kind of conflicted. My job at Country Chic Paint has been amazing. They have treated me fantastically, they are wonderful people, and I consider some of them to be my good friends. I am going to be very sad to leave them. It's also a pay cut, quite a pay cut, so I am nervous about finances as well. But I have to take this risk. If this is what I think I want to do, I have to do it, otherwise I will regret it every single day. If it ends up not being for me, than so be it, at least I took a risk and tried something.

The kids are loving Craftymama's short term program at Maple Hill. It's been a bit of an adjustment for M, I am told he is having the hardest time with it and can get quite cranky. J is 2, so he is a challenge too. The full term program for the fall also has a waitlist already! I can't believe the momentum this has, I mean I figured she would be successful - but this successful, this fast - it's astounding.

I started kenpo - which is a martial art, and I am loving it. Its affordable and twice a week and so so hard. I love how much it pushes me, and I honestly love walking away with bruises. I have great sensei's, who are patient with my lower fitness level, and great classmates, who both know when to treat me gently (as the only girl in the class and a good 8" shorter than the next shortest person) and when to challenge me. I am also trying to eat better and exercise at home. I have lost 24lbs in 2 months, and its awesome. I'm hoping it continues. I am trying to learn to love my body, I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be, but you have to start somewhere.

So the whole relationship thing - I swear that's why most people read this thing anyways. Ha Ha. So as we know glassman and craftymama split up. Since that time Craftymama and I have toyed with the idea of being open in our relationship. While she really wanted to be, I had a hard time with it speaking honestly. I have always believed in non-monogamy, but for some reason when it came to her I have issues. I continue to have some issues, but I am working on and through them with her support. This is something I want to do. I have even begun pursing the idea of seeing other people myself. I went on a date with a guy last week, which was a lot of fun - it's been years since I have been on a first date! I also have been getting close to this other guy; I can talk to him about my insecurities and jealousies with craftymama, and he, being in an open relationship as well, is able to talk to me with some knowledge of the situation. It's nice to have a friend who understands. Craftymama has been on dates as well, and I'm not going to lie, I did have some uncomfortable feelings. They have gotten a lot better over the past two-ish months, and I am making progress and facing demons. I am honestly proud of myself. I feel that this situation has made me deal with issues that have been plaguing me for years. I am now forced to deal with my low self confidence - it's empowering and scary for me. I have craftymama to help support me through things, and she has been amazing and very reassuring when I needed it. This is a new journey, it's full of excitement and fear - which are the best kind of adventures.

That leaves me and glassman. Neither of us know what we want a relationship between us to look like. It's been 6 years since we have been on our own without craftymama as our sort of glue. We are...well...I don't know what we are. We have decided to just not have a label, let things be, and see what happens. He is not comfortable being in an open relationship at all. He is fine with my being with Craftymama, but not with anyone else. So I feel sort of conflicted. If I want to be open with craftymama, I can't be with glassman, but if I want to be with glassman - I cant be with anyone else...It's hard. Relationships are hard.

I try to keep reminding myself every day that I am worthy, and that I deserve good things. It's hard to actually believe that - but I'm working on it. I'm also trying to recognize my accomplishments, and be proud of them. Even if no one else is going to be proud of me, I can be proud of me. At the end of the day all you have is yourself, so you better learn to like it.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Growth in All Ways

So I haven't posted in a month! I want to post more, but I don't find myself in front of a computer at home much, or craftymama is monopolizing it for her school. A lot has changed in the past month.

Ctraftymama had her first open house for Maple Hill , it went great, about 30 people came out, she had tons of questions and tons of interest. Her first session, a 6 week one day a week course as an introduction to free learning, is already full and there is interest for her fall full time program! It's absolutely incredible, I am so proud of her and how this is all coming together. She is even going to a course in Portland, Oregon in August with her business partner.

Glassman started working again - yay! He is working for the same company he worked briefly for last year. They are based out of Duncan but have a job in Nanaimo right now so it's been rather convenient for him. It's nice to have him working again. The income is great, and it's good for his mental well being as well. Though I am sure Craftymama did enjoy the extra set of hands around the house at times.

I have an interview with a funeral home next week, it was supposed to be on Friday but as the industry goes - someone passed away so they were called away to take care of things. I don't think anything other than networking will come of this as they did tell me they weren't looking to take on any apprentices at the moment - but its a great place to start. I am anxiously excited!

The kids are well - BigR has recently began reading up a storm, its like he wasn't reading and then all of sudden he could. It was awesome. He is current at a 3 day camp with his Scouts group on the mountain. K has been writing a bunch of songs and is really into singing lately, she wants to be a famous singer and perform on stage! M has been focused on minecraft lately, and he is getting quite good at it. While they are using his tablets he will just sit quietly building whatever it is that you build. I've heard how educational and whatnot this game is so that's cool - I don't get it though. LittleR, well, she is still into me and unicorns - those are her passions in life. And J..well J is is starting the weaning process and isn't too happy about that.

Relationships have also changed. Craftymama and Glassman are no longer in a relationship, so that means we are no longer a triad. At this point we are a V. I'm not really comfortable discussing the reasons why this happened, as it's too personal for a public blog, but it's beyond sad. I am sad for them, I am sad for me, and I am sad for us. We are committed to making this work as a family, no matter what the individual relationships look like, we are in this together and we all still love each other in one form or another.

Another change that has happened is that Craftymama and I are in an open relationship. I am not really sure what this looks like other than we are both free to have feelings or be more open to experiences with other people. Craftymama is currently in some form of a relationship with someone else, and me, well, I am adjusting. It was harder than I was expecting, and I felt different and more powerful emotions than I was expecting. However, I firmly believe in this, and I believe that I can overcome any feelings I have. Also, I believe that Craftymama and I can get through anything. She is always there to reassure me when I need it, which is wonderful.

As for me and another relationship, I am working on building my self confidence and self esteem. I want to learn to love myself. I have made great strides in this regard in the last month. I have begun to eat better and exercise, I've even joined a martial art, Kenpo, which is challenging me every time I go. I've picked up my guitar again. I'm going to a Borderline Personality Disorder Support Group. My meds are under control and stable. I'm doing all the right things and I am feeling better. I am reaching out to old friends and making new ones.

It's been a long time of living in the dark and merely surviving my life, it's time to start actually living it.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Back to Work

So today marked back to reality. Actually - the only thing that changed was that I went back to work. Glassman still isn't working, though he did call EI today to get that figured out and is hoping to start up with a glazing company in Duncan in the next couple of weeks. So nothing changed for anyone but me.

I realized, today, that I need a change. I need to be doing something that brings my joy. I love the people I work for and its a great job, and I am good at it, but it isn't my passion. Not only is it unfair to me to be working at something that isn't my passion, it's unfair of me to be taking the job of someone who's passion this might be. I can picture the person now: the one who loves refinishing furniture, or crafty things, who has the patience for these techniques and small details, the person who loves sales, and talking to people (though I do love talking to people). That person is out there, and I am taking their job, and that isn't fair.

I am afraid of losing the friends I have made, and the connections I have forged with people. I have been honest with them about everything since the beginning and they have been supportive and flexible and wonderful with me through being kicked out of my house, my mental health issues, and the many things that arise with children. I don't want to lose that.

I made a New Years Resolution to choose joy and I need to do that. I need to choose something that brings me joy.