Sunday, August 1, 2010

Dating Outside the Group

Thus far most dating and what not has occured within the group. Glassman started dating Craftymama, I started dating Craftymama, I started dating Cableman, Craftymama and Cableman started dating again, and just recently Glassman and I are trying to date to get some of our spark back.

Yesterday, Cableman left for a night away in another oceanside town with a girlfriend of his. We will call her Meetupgirl. Craftymama and I know Meetupgirl from our mom's group that we used to organize - but that's not how the two met. Cableman is the first of us to date outside our group.

Its strangely relieving for me. I feel a sense of relief or like pressure has been lifted because any of his NRE needs can be met by Meetupgirl, rather than myself. He is super cute when talking to her too.

It's also got me thinking about how I would feel if those I have a stronger bond to began dating outside the group. If Glassman found someone and decided to date outside of us, I think I would feel incredibly happy. It's rare for him to open his heart up like that to people, so I would feel overwhelming joy for him in experiencing that. I, of course, would want to hear all details of their dates :), but I'm nosy like that.

I think I would also feel less stressed or nervous if it were myself dating outside the group. I am a huge flirt by nature, and I enjoy interacting with and meeting new people. It would also be quite refreshing, for lack of a better word, to start a new relationship. I know it would be with another guy, because I can't fathom a relationship with another girl - so it would be interesting to feel wooed again.

I would have the hardest time, I think, if it were Craftymama dating outside the group. I have the hardest time sharing her, because I have the hardest time being away from her. I can feel a pull in my gut saying I should be with her, so her dating someone else would take her out of the house more, and I would feel that feeling more.

It's an interesting concept for me to explore. With a poly relationship this type of situation could easily happen. We are free to be open with our feelings and our wants and needs. I don't forsee any of the above happening any time soon, but it may - so it's something to think about.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Sleep and my never ending problems with it

Sleep, as I have said numerous times in numerous places, is a giant issue for me.

I feel closest to people when I sleep, I feel the most vulnerable during sleep, and I also have the purest moments of happiness (usually) when I am just waking up and am in the half asleep state.

As I said in my previous entry after spending nights on the couch that bedroom, and that bed ceased to be mine. In fact, after the very first night of me not being there it was no longer mine - all it took was one night. I'm sure this feeling was accentuated by the fact that this house still doesn't feel like mine, so anything that did feel like mine was being hung unto by a thread - threatening to break with any stress, and the stress of my and Glassman's ending relationship was certainly enough to break that one.

That bed was always the triads bed. Even though Craftymama and I shared it alone while Glassman was at school, and numerous combinations have had sex on it multiple times. We bought the bed together, it was our first big purchase. All three of us tried it out at the bed store - which was funny in and of itself.

When the triad broke up, during our break, it could no longer be the triad's bed, or at least it could no longer exist the way it used to. Given that I was the one who had broken the triad up, I was the one walking away from the bed. Further, they spent that first night together in the bed - which I believe may also have been there first night sleeping alone in a bed together. So with the triad broken, and the bed belonging to no one, it went, by default, to the first pair sleeping there.

Also, I was on the couch. In the exact same position, with S, and also with the same blanket as I had been on many nights in the past when Glassman and I used to live with Cableman and Craftymama on weekends. It was painfully familiar. So much so that it felt like home. I looked out the window and saw the same things I saw all those nights ago when the evenings would be filled with talking and crying and the mornings filled with awkwardness. It was like thats how it was meant to be. So though I hated every second of it, sleeping on the couch with S felt more like home. Thus, further solidifying the bed not being mine. When I would go in there to get dressed, I always felt I was going into someone else's room.

I am back in the bed now. But it still doesn't feel like mine. I still feel like an intruder, and I still feel like I belong on the couch. I am working on that. It will take time for me.

Its such a silly little issue. I mean, its just a bed right? Perhaps its because I put so much value in sleep, that the location of sleep becomes just as important. Either is what it is.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Some End, Some Change, Some Rearrange

It's been a long time since I've updated. At first it was because nothing was new, so I had nothing to talk about, then when something giant did happen I was without a computer.

Relationships have changed.

I guess from the beginning. We tried out living with Cableman, and it worked, kind of. It worked well enough to make it a permanant situation. So we moved, into the green house - which is actually being painted yellow and red now. His presence drastically changed all relationships. Our triad lost its groove, and we all felt it. We still don't have it back. But that could be due to another relationship changing.

Glassman and I took a break. I had been realizing, over the course of longer than I think anyone (save maybe Craftymama) knows. I have been struggling with our relationship for quite some time now, and it finally got to the point where I didn't think it was fair to keep doing it any longer. We had a talk one night and I told him I wasn't sure I loved him anymore, and I thought we should take a break. He took this to mean breaking up - assumptions ftw!

Over the course of our break it was very weird. He still kissed craftymama goodbye in the morning, and was still affectionate with her. It was weird seeing my husband be affectionate with someone else while at the same time giving me the cold shoulder - why wouldn't he? I had broken his heart. We alternated who slept in the bed with Craftymama, and I didn't sleep when I was on the couch. Those were long nights. I am more dependent on her than I ever realized before this.

We talked as a group off and on during our break, and I eventually realized that I still wanted to be in a relationship with Glassman, but that it needed to be different. He needed to know the difference, at least in my mind, between relationships. And he needed to be okay with my desire to be with Craftymama on a deeper level. It didn't/doesn't take away my love for him; my love for her is just more powerful than I could have ever anticipated.

He also admitted that he hasn't been himself around me since he returned from school the first time. He has been trying to be the person I want him to be. I loathe fake people, so maybe I was able to sense this on some level.

Either way, we decided to try again. From complete scratch. I feel more comfortable to do the things I want to do, and I have stopped feeling guilty for the way I feel about Craftymama. I am hoping he has started to be himself around me, but I'm not him so I don't know. We all sleep in the same bed again. The topic of it not feeling like my room anymore is for another post, one I hope to do shortly.

So Glassman and I are starting again - this time for real. Im nervous.

I proposed to Craftymama! Hell yeah I did! It was a perfect proposal, done at a Starbucks while we were knitting one night. I have had the ring for a while but was always looking for the "right" time, when all relationships were more stable and what not. I finally decided to do it. It was a wonderfully surreal evening - oh, she said yes! Obviously. We are excitedly planning a wedding for October 9th 2011. Glassman was genuinely excited for us, and asked to walk me down the aisle - so sweet.

Cableman and Craftymama are also on a bit of a hiatus. There relationship, in her words, has always been one of convenience, and though she loves him (and he her) they don't mesh well together as partners and have to work on that in order to make something stable, loving, and awesome for the both of them. Cableman is understandably devasted by this voiced changed (Craftymama has been feeling this way for a while).

Honesty is going to go a long way in making this triad (quad?) work. In being honest in the past little while I have strengthened an already strong relationship, started anew one that is failing, and witnessed a change in another that will hopefully bring both parties some happiness.

Monday, June 28, 2010

We have reached an agreement. It hasn't been tested yet, but its in place.

Sex is a larger issue in a poly relationship. There simply isn't enough time in the day to have all the sex you want or need to have. There are too many feelings that could potentially be negative. Its easier, in theory, to have these things spoken.

Given that our triad sex life is failing, and our couple sex life is failing - we have decided to have a non schedule of sorts. First we thought of the idea of having a schedule, but that had far too many complications, and well, to be honest, I didn't like the idea. If I didnt want sex with Glassman on my scheduled Tuesday night, did I have to wait until next Tuesday?, for example.

So we have a deal. The deal is that each configuration will have sex at least once a week. Everyone knows its coming, everyone can expect it happening - so there are no surprises. No one has to wonder when they are getting sex again with a specific person. The standing rule of the 3rd person can join applies only after the first time that couple has had sex. It cannot be done at an inconvenient time (like close to usual bedtime, or sticking one person with 4 kids while they are being buts).

I am excited, and nervous, and glad that something has been worked out, and is being implemented. I'm also excited for sex - I haven't had nearly enough of it.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Week of Discovery

This has been a week of self discovery for me.

I'm realizing Im a hypocrite sometimes. With our open sharing policy, we are supposed to say what is up. I'm not purposefully not sharing, Im just used to figuring my issue out first and then sharing. This isn't fair to the group. No time was this more cleae to me then after we decided where we are moving to. I was something and quiet and distant all day. I think it was the first time Craftymama has been angry with me: if I'm reading her right. It was hard seeing her angry, and knowing it was directed at me. I have to start sharing even if I haven't figured everything out yet. I'm used to being independent, and just doing things - but that's not as possible in this type of relationship.

I want another baby: I knew this already, but this week made me realize that I'm not having one for a good long time. Further, I don't think I will be the next female to have one - which is fine. But with S's birthday (today actually!), and remembering her labour and birth ( story found here ), I'm really sad at the thought that another pregnancry, birth, and baby aren't in my near future. But, what surprises me is how genuinely excited I am about Craftymama having a baby. I'm stoked about experiencing that side of things, and being there for her, and supporting her, and all those things that come along with it.

Glassman is a lot more intelligent, patient, and communicative than I ever thought. Having Cableman to compare him to makes me realize how much he has grown as a person. I don't feel guilty for my impatience with him in the past, everything is subjective afterall, but I am glad that I am able to appreciate him now. Having actualy life related conversations where he is involved isn't as frustrating as it used to be. Unless its his issue that he is sharing, that is still an issue of frustration with me.

I'm loving the boys more and more as actual kids: especially R. I haven't felt like we had connected on that actual parental/child basis: but the snuggles I have gotten on the couch, and even his demeanour with me is changing recently. I love the relationship we are building!

On a poly related note:
The 3-person triad is currently struggling. We are having some issues, but no one can really pinpoint what they are, so we aren't talking about them. I miss the days where I felt completely comfortable around them. When sitting in bed watching Roseanne was completely relaxing. I need to know where the tension is coming from.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Something Old is Refurbished - Maybe

Craftymama is currently sitting beside me typing out her journal from when she was 13. This is connected to an old relationship coming back into her life. One that she started about 8 years ago, long distance, and that neither party wanted to end. This relationship was the one that got away. He is the one she talks about most, the one she still misses. They recently connected again on facebook and have been talking, I shall refer to him as FirstLove. Why is this important?

He is the one person that intimidates me; because of all the aforementioned things.

I have felt intimidated before - but it was of a different nature. I had penis envy - to be blunt. How can someone, who never thought they could be attracted to a woman sexually, all of a sudden actually want and crave sex with a woman - would I not always be compared to that. How could I provide the same kind of experience as a man who has an appendage specifically created for sex. The answer was I couldnt - and that was okay. Sex with me is different - and I am no longer intimidated by a penis. I've also felt intimidated by Craftymama - as she has brought so much extra to our lives, and has taught us both so much, that I often wondered what I brought to the table - other than the willingness to learn. I have gotten over that as well - as I have realized what I bring.

But this relationship, this connection between Craftymama and FirstLove, scares me. The first person I loved was Glassman. I know what that feeling is like. I know that feeling is one of the reasons I was unable to let go of him, pursued him, and always knew I would be with. I always knew we had a connection, even from the time we were young teens. Craftymama was 15 when she fell in love with FirstLove - same age I was with Glassman. She fell in love with him before she had even thought about - let alone believed in, nonmonagamy. FirstLove knows about our situation and is accepting, they haven't even gotten near the topic of being in a relationship again - but I know she wants it.

I actually quite like that they are reconnecting. It will either give her a chance to have some closure on their relationship - in a non sad way. Or it will allow her to experience happiness with FirstLove and she will feel more complete. Both things overjoy me.

I know its an issue of security for me. I know logically that she now believes in polyamory, loves me completely, loves Glassman, and its completely unreasonable to think she would decide she wants to move to the States (which is where he lives) - yet all of those things have been in my mind.

As a competitive person its hard not to feel some competition with him. He was her first love, I was her first love with a woman. If they do enter into a long distance relationship again part of me wants to meet him or talk to him - so that my mind doesn't villify him, or so that I can see them interact and be assured that way.

My mind works fast - they have only been talking for a matter of days. Who knows where this is all going - if anywhere. But I can't deny that I'm a little surprised at my feelings, and kind just want to deal with them, and get back to my happy and settled life (wait, did I ever have that?)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

All About Sex

Sex is a much bigger topic or issue in a poly relationship. There are more opportunities for hurt feelings, more opportunities for sex, and more people to learn how to please. It's exciting and challenging.

For me, sex is a whole new world. I had had a lot of sex before, numerous partners, and I was skilled in the way of pleasing a man. However, I didn't actually enjoy it. I did it because it's what you do, and I liked making other people feel good.

Before entering into a poly relationship, Craftymama and I had talked about sex a lot. Both in comparing Cableman and Glassman - in a comparing husband's sort of way - this was before we had engaged in sex with each others husbands. And she had expressed great sadness in my lack of enjoyment of it - as she had no issues expressing her love of sex.

Having sex with Craftymama for the first time, and every time after that, completely opened my eyes. Maybe it took a brand new experience, with someone of the same sex, or maybe it was the finally aspect of being with her as I had wanted to for so long, perhaps it was how well she knew me already so she could read my subtle clues - or maybe it was all of the above. But I have never enjoyed sex as much as I do since being with her. Because of her, I'm even enjoying sex with Glassman. It's all even new with him, though I've been with him for years.

I'm learning and accepting that I actually love sex, actually want it, and its okay (good even) to feel pleasure myself. However, I get very focussed. If I am desperately wanting sex with Craftymama, for example, sex with the both of them or just with Glassman won't be as good as I know it can be, until I get my chance with her. It's still good, but it's not what I really want. It's like when you really want cake, but you only have cookies - the cookies are delicious, but it wasn't the delicious chocolatey cake you were really craving. I'm not sure if that trait of mine will ever go away, and I think I'm okay with that.

There are also issues that have come up that none of us has faced before. Just last night Glassman was saying that he is used to being the one to determine when sex is done - he orgasms. He spoke of an instance when he finished but the two of us were still fingering eachother - what is he supposed to do? Obviously, I said, we shouldn't have to stop. But does he leave? Does he watch? Does he just lay back in post sex bliss?

There is also the issue of what happens when one person is doing something to another that they don't like, and the third person knows it. How do they stop it? Should the third person be expected to encourage the "offending" person out of said act, should the one being offended be expected to say something and potentially ruining the mood for everyone? What should be done in those situations? I think, for this one, communication is the key - so we can avoid them all together. But there is communicating, and then actually applying that communication to sex. I can't count the number of times I've expressed things I don't like, and it still keeps happening - it's like during sex, simple things are forgotten. How do we help eachother have the most enjoyable experience possible?

The last issue on my mind is one of orgasms - male one's to be percise. Do they have to happen in order for a man to enjoy the experience? Is it just that men learn that that's what has to happen? I know, for myself, that I don't need to (and I very infrequently do) orgasm during most sex, but I still enjoy it; it still feels good. Can the same apply for a man? I'm not a man so I don't know the answers to these questions - perhaps some googling is in order.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Looking Back

Sometimes I think we rushed into this a little bit too fast.

At the time the decision to have Craftymama live with us, and to move, and to combine families seemed like the only decision that could be made. I do believe that given the information we had at that time it was the only decision, but looking back now (hindsight is 20/20 afterall), I'm wondering if maybe it all happened too fast.

Now with the idea/option of moving again, I think we are rushing into another decision, only this time - we have more information.

We aren't ready to live with Cableman, and frankly, he isn't ready to live with us. We can't move to a place that the 3 of us can't afford without Cableman only to have it be decided that we can no longer afford to live there when it doesn't work out.

Cableman is at a completely different place mentally than the rest of us. He processes things differently, is never sure of things, and is used to the life he leads. He is used to having things be worked out for him, to not have to be an adult, to being able to go out with his friends whenever he wants, spend as much money as he wants.

He is going to be required to be much more of an adult. He has to communicate with us. We can't always be having the same conversations. I refuse to take care of him like another child, and I further refuse to let him spend money left,right, and center just because he wants something.

He isn't ready for us, and we aren't ready for him.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


So we need to move - or we are going to move.

We want to try to live with Cabeleman. The boys need to be close to their dad. I do like Cableman, Im worried for him, and worried about what his presence will do to our existing relationships. What will happen to the 11:00p baking, sex, and then eating the baking while we watch Roseanne?

I will miss getting to sleep next to Craftymama, or at least seeing her in the middle of the night, or knowing she is in the same bed with me - even if there is a person in between us. Given that we are going to get a 4-bedroom, we are going to do a sleep schedule, so it will be hard for me to give up that aspect of our relationship.

I'm looking forward to having the extra set of parental hands on a more constant basis. I think it will make life a little less chaotic. I'm looking forward to seeing where my relationship with Cableman will go.

I'm nervous that he is not as okay as he says he is with Craftymama being in other relationships. I'm nervous about how he'll feel the first time he hears Craftymama and Glassman have sex. I dislike how it seems most of his happiness for my and Craftymama's relationship seems to be based in the sexual imagery of two women together. But I have to trust him, and we owe it to everyone to give it a try.

I think this is the first time in all of the changes that my family has undergone in the last 7 months that I fear I am messing my kids up. I know Craftymama has been worried about that all along, and bringing her nuclear family back together will help alleviate those worries of hers. Its a shame that in alleviating hers, I am increasing mine.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Oh What a Tangled Web We've Woven

So life.

I'm aware that's banned - even from my blog world.

Life has been a series of ups and downs. Craftymama has been having a really hard time dealing with R spending overnights with Cableman. It's getting harder and harder to drop him off. She doesn't want her boys growing up in two separate houses like she did. Neither myself nor Glassman can really stand seeing the pain in her eyes, or the epic meltdown from M when Cableman takes R away. It's hard on everyone. Personally, I feel overwhelming guilt because I believe that had I not given Craftymama an ultimatum (essentially) or made her realize how she felt than she wouldn't be in this situation. Alas, here we are.

It was always hoped that everyone could live together; even just a house with a basement suite. So that all the kids could see Cableman all the time, and so he could be there for all the little things a father wants to be there for in his kids' lives.

We have been discussing, lately, doing just that - everyone living together. It's falling more and more apart moreso than it's coming together. There have been accusations of cheating, there have been discussions multiple times over the same topic with no headway, and there has been much frustration. On the one hand, I am glad Cableman is communicating - Im glad we all are. But it feels like we are trying to convince him, or that he is trying to make himself okay with something that he clearly isn't okay with.

I'm actually at a point where I dont know what to do.

The boys need to be with Cableman - Craftymama cannot bear them to be living in two separate houses - Cableman can't handle seeing Craftymama with us - and I can't stand to see everyone so unhappy and miserable.

Something has to change. Someone has to compromise. Not everyone can win this time, someone is losing big time.

Introduction time

Cableman was mentioned in Craftymama's introduction, but should have one of his own as well. He is obviously married to Craftymama, and the father to M and R. He is incredibly sensitive, a people pleaser, and desires to fix everything for everyone. He is very particular about his things, and has collections of geekery. He is amazingly positive about life, and wants nothing more than for those he loves to be happy.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Communication Breakdown

There are issues abound in the house.

From what I gather that has been kind of discussed,

Glassman was made to feel segragated. He was frustrated with a spoken lack of patience on my part - though I hadn't reached the end of my patience yet, with a back injury of his. He feels I don't include him in budget things. He has not felt connected with either myself or Craftymama in weeks.

Craftymama is feeling homesick for the life she used to have. Guilty for doing this to her boys. Can't think of a workable solution to fix it. Frustrated with her husband for his inability to understand.

I am feeling underappreciated. I feel like I am living in my head not my heart and that scares me. I am feeling incredibly distant on a more regular basis from Craftymama, and Glassman and I are either awesome or we are right back to our old habits - this changes daily.

All of these things should be talked about, worked through, and dealt with. Alas, no one is sharing - so the feelings linger.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Compersion as a Measure of Security

This blog post has been in the works for a little while - I have been trying to put the words on something I had been feeling, and trying to figure out why it is I feel a certain way.

So compersion. Essentially, it's getting that happy/blissful feeling from seeing your partner or partners taking joy/pleasure etc from others/eachother. Here is an article called "Compersion for Beginners" if you want to do some more reading on it.

When do I feel the greatest sense of compersion? When Glassman and Craftymama are playfully bantering or wrestling with eachother. When do I struggle with compersion the most? When they have sex.

I've been trying to figure out why this is. Why can I delight in them being playful, with eachother, but not naturally feel this wonderful feeling when they are intimate?

I think the answer is security.

The most secure area in my relationship with Glassman is the playful banter, the wrestling and the joking around. I have no fears about that ever leaving, or about me not getting my fair share (sometimes I get too much). So when I see the two of them engaging in those same actions; I can feel nothing but compersion for them.

The least secure area in my relationship with Glassman and Craftymama is when it comes to sex. I have an impressive sexual past, but am quite sexually shy and slightly naive. I have deep seeded fears that he prefers her over me (though those fears have been diminished significantly since this all started) and fears that she will prefer him over me because of anatomy alone. So when they are intimate together without me, which I both want and encourage them to be (if only so I am forced to deal with my feelings), my insecurity prevents me from feeling the sense of compersion I want.

Craftymama said the other night that her ultimate feeling of compersion is when Glassman and I have sex without her - I surmise this to be the case because she is very confident sexually. She is not afraid to ask for or take what she wants, isn't ashamed or embarrassed to admit how much she likes sex, and is pretty damn good at it. So why wouldn't she feel a great sense of compersion when two people she loves are doing something that she also loves?

I think true compersion comes when we are completely secure in our relationships. When we are able to love and accept ourselves freely, and feel in our hearts that I am worth it and I deserve all the love/happiness I want that's when we can let go of jealousy.

For the record, I love that they enjoy sex together. Craftymama's entrance into our sexual lives has enriched us both greatly. I love that they make each other so happy in that way, my insecurity lies in feeling inadequate in making them the same level of happy.

But I'm working on it.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My Own Reassurance

Reassurance is so important in our relationship. Maybe it is in all relationships. Maybe before I didn't realize how vital it was to my happiness, but I certainly do now.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I need reassurance both from my partners, and from myself. Craftymama and Glassman are decent at this. I asked for assurance once, on an insecure day - and got it 50%. It wasn't complete because I wasn't specific in my needs - I need and have to be more specific. I went on a date the other night, and got some awesome assurance from the both of them before I left - it felt wonderful.

Crafymama also said the other night that when she is intimate with one of us, when the other is home, she needs overly abundant reassurance when they emerge from the bedroom, and that she would be able to tell if its genuine. Im happy she was able to articulate this need. For me, if I am intimate with Glassman, I think I would just want things to be "normal" no discussion or anything when we come out. I haven't had sex with Craftymama when Glassman has been home, so I'm not sure what I will need when that happens.

Also for me, when the two of them are together, I think I need reconnection time. I think anytime the two of them have a moment, or have extended time, or have sex - I need to feel reconnected to them when they are done. Like a sort of reassurance that "yes, we had this amazing time together - but we haven't forgotten about you". I don't think I have articulated this need to them yet. Sometimes they do it naturally, other times, I still feel separated from them.

But I dont control other people, and I cant simply rely on their reassurance to get me through difficult internal emotions.

I have some personal mantras. This is what a mantra is. I used them extensively during my pregnancy and birth of S, but not until now have I brought them back into my thinking.

I have visual ones: like picturing a particularly awesome or happy time with either one of them, but mine are usually verbal.

"What would I want them to be doing while I did _____" : I usually use this when I am doing something separate from them, and I have a twinge of negative emotion about what they are doing or could potentially be doing.

"It doesn't matter, I know how ___ feels about me" : Being new to poly, I sometimes have moments of regression where I doubt one's capacity to truly love more than one person. This is quickly resolved both when I realize that I love both of them, and when I say the above to myself.

"I can have it, if I want it" : I'm afraid of asking for the things I want. When I see one of them getting what I want, I remind myself that if I truly wanted it, I could have it - simply by asking.

"Compersion, not jealousy" : When I think I might be feeling jealous, I stop and tell myself to be secure enough to feel compersion, and have it override any jealous feelings.

Those are some of the one's I use, and I don't use them daily, but I use them when I need to, they work. Since I've noticed that these help I have found myself in a much calmer, more positive state.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Joining in...or Not

So I have an issue.

I don't like being where I am 100% not wanted. That problem is coupled with the fact that I don't think anyone would tell me if I wasn't 100% not wanted.

We have a rule, when it comes to sex, that if two are having it, and haven't specifically requested time alone, then the 3rd is always welcome to join in. I would never join in. Part of the reason is like I said in my previous entry, I try to facilitate time between them because time is important, and also because as this entry says I don't want to be somewhere I'm not wanted.

But this issue goes beyond sex. When we are laying in bed together, and Craftymama is sleep cheese, if I am cuddled up next to her, and Glassman cuddles up close to her other side I move away. I dislike this because I like sleeping close to her, and I know 9 times out of 10 she likes to sleep close to me. There have been instances where she hasn't wanted me to close to her, two actually - both this week, but in general, we like to sleep close and can't get close enough.

Why do I move away?

Is it a not wanting to share thing? Obviously, I don't mind sharing her, or myself, with other people. I know I'm wanted there. So why don't I join in on the cuddle? It goes even farther than that, when the two of them are sitting next to eachother on the couch, I default to the loveseat across from them. I have realized, over the past two weeks, that this default position has made me feel more distant from them, and separate.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe it's because I dont give my relationships enough credit. I don't take or request time with Glassman. Well, I did once, just before he left for school, while Craftymama was busy piecing our epic package to send with him - but he says he didn't hear me, so I was shot down. I don't request it with Craftymama because I feel guilty.

Aha! There's another issue I hadn't realized. I feel guilty for spending time with Craftymama because I know Glassman doesn't get as much actual time (because he works), and I don't spend time with Glassman because I feel he would rather be with Craftymama. Not because I think he loves her more, but because we have had those years to have time together - they haven't, and because their relationship is still in NRE, so its hormonal/chemical for him to want to be with her.

Where does that leave me? Feeling separate. But I did it to myself, and I continue to do it to myself.

On the one hand, I should just be confident enough to do the things I want to do, but on the other hand I feel I need to be mindful of others' needs. Maybe my hope is that if I am more mindful of the things they want, they will make more of an effort to give me the things I want.

My outlook and perception needs to change - I don't know how to do it.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Art of Time Management

Never before have I realized both how long and how short days are.

With 4 kids sometimes the days take forever to go by. There are at least 27 meals/snacks to make in a day for everyone, that many dishes to do, clutter to clean up, 8 loads of laundry every other day, and personal hygeiene of course. Its a lot more of the every day mundane stuff, and it takes a lot of time. But, really, that's not what this entry is about.

There are four relationships present in our home. Me and Craftymama, Me and Glassman, Glassman and Craftymama, and the three of us together. That's four relationships that need nurturing, commitment, and most of all time to develop.

Glassman and I have had years together, but, our relationship is brand new now. We are more honest and open with eachother and we are learning that we have changed as people and so need to get to know one another. Craftymama and I have an awesome friendship as we were best friends for 1.5years before we got together. But we are learning how to be partners. Glassman and Craftymama are brand new - so to speak. They began a relationship 6 months ago, they lived together really quickly, and they had no prior relationship. The same goes for the three of us together.

What we are all lacking is time with one another.

Craftymama and I are together during the day, everyday - but its a different kind of time. It isnt quality time, its parent time - which is still awesome, and I dont take it for granted - but, I still want non parent time with her.

Glassman has said in the past that he is jealous of this time I get with her, even if its with the kids - so, much to my own detriment at times, I attempt to give them time to themselves whether the kids are there or not; the point is I'm not there. This gives them to develop a relationship both as parents and as adults. He has told me that he is no longer jealous in the same way, but that it still bothers him. They both have said I needn't go out of my way to ensure they get time, but if I don't, and no one is completely comfortable asking for it - how will they get it? I think its each of our responsibilities to help the other relationships along until we are all more able to ask for what we need/want without fear. I give them time alone, because they need it - more often then they get it - for me, it's as simple as that.

I've been thinking lately it might be a good idea for one night a week, for a couple of hours, for one person to go out, leaving the other two at home to do something together. Or every other week have two people go out together. But where would the person go? You can't just expect them to drive around or walk aimlessly. We all need a hobby or something we can do to 'distract' ourselves or occupy our time.

I think I would feel more secure in our relationships if I felt each relationship was getting equal respect - which I dont think, in the logical sense, they are right now.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Ethical Slut

Im finally reading this book . I love it! Im just past half way. I've already applied some of the things that it teaches, and its actually opened my eyes to a new way of thinking. Well, not entirely opened - more affirmed.

I particularly need to learn something from Limit Setting section. Basically its about recognizing your own limits, your own wants, and accepting them so fully that you are completely capable and comfortable of expressing those limits/wants to your partners. I am so not good at this. I have sex when I dont want to, simply because I feel like I should. Not that I am forced, its more that I know thats how my partners connect to me and express their love and I dont want to turn away their love. I feel uncomfortable telling them sometimes when I dislike something or its making me feel a negative emotion. I really need to get better at this.

What I also took thus far from the book, was how to argue properly. I love to argue - but need to improve my skills. So do Glassman and Craftymama, but I'm the one currently reading the book, so its more fresh on my mind. It also talks extensively about jealousy - something I experienced a lot of when the relationship first started. It was interesting to read something I had already processed quite a bit, and then be told that its okay to feel it, okay to express it, and that I need to own it. No one causes me to feel jealous, its my own doing - but people still need to be empathetic to my feelings.

I'm actually quite excited to be as open, honest, and free as I want to be...I have faith in myself that I didnt previously posess.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

And Baby Makes.....

S is walking! Well, not really, but she took her first steps last night. Here's the video:

I can't believe it!

Her walking, and well, the 'original' plan of being pregnant by this time have really got me thinking about babies. In fact, its on all of our minds.

Do we want to have another baby?
Who would have the baby?
How would that affect every other existing relationship?

Our families would most likely disown us. We already have four kids under 4, and we are still adjusting to caring for them and our house, and well - given that its a new relationship - no one is sure they are really ready.

Simply wanting to have a baby is never a good enough reason to have one. Then there is the fact that we do have 4 children - we are lucky to have so many wonderful, amazing kids. It's a lot of pressure on Glassman to be the sole provider for all of us, and I don't want to strain him any farther.

Then there is the issue of space. Our house is only so big. Where would a baby sleep? We would need another car, or a 15 passenger van as we already use all the seats in our 7-seater.

There are a lot of reasons not to have any more children: at least not any time soon. Not that we would try to have a baby right this second - even if we decide we do want more kids.

I am having terrible baby fever - my baby is a toddler. I want so desperately to be pregnant. And I really want to have another baby. More than all that, I want our family to be stable and strong and happy.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Relationship SNAFU

For the first time since starting this blog - a whopping 2 or so weeks ago, our triad has had its first moments of tension.

It's not like it was new tension - but it was scary all the same. How it started was Glassman crossed a line with me. He has a habit of going too far with his playful banter to the point of actually hurting me. He did it again, and a conversation ensued.

The three of us are quite good communicators. We dont yell or raise our voices, we encourage eachother to talk, and we are generally very supportive of one another during the process.

I was, honestly, frustrated. I felt like I had been having this same conversation for 7 years. I was and still slightly am tired of trying, tired of always having to take the mature route so that Glassman can learn something, or have an easier time of it. I know, I know - in relationships it isn't always fair. "Work" isn't split 50/50. If I want the relationship to work then I have to keep trying even if I was the one who tried last time, and the time before that, and the time before that.

I think Im allowed my immature moments. Im allowed to screw up - but it seems when I do I pay the price for it, and end up having to work ridiculously hard to make up for it. When Glassman screws up, Im expected to understand that he is trying and making an effort (which I do - I think).

Anyways, so we had our conversation, I was still quite upset - especially when Glassman chose not acknowledge something when I opened up to him about it, and I went to bed crying. Craftymama recognized this and did her best to console me.

The next day we all played like nothing was wrong, as we usually do - and that was that.

I am going to attempt to put into play some of the ideas Craftymama had:
- Saying in a serious tone, not smiling or laughing, when Glassman is nearing my line.
- When I'm saying something that would potentially irritate him I will phrase it as, "I feel..." basically dumb it down completely, so it helps with my tone of voice.
- Let things roll off my back more
- Be more compassionate with Glassman as I am with Craftymama.

Of course, Glassman has stuff he is supposed to do as well, but this is my post - so I can only focus on how I am going to get better.

Am I worried for our relationship? A little. I feel I have come to some realizations this past 2-3 weeks, that have put me on shaky ground.

Ive realized that even though I thought I was guilty of playing the comparing game, I'm not. Its more a point of reference game. I had previously thought that it wasn't in Glassman's nature to be physically affectionate, or more personable - but it seems it is. It seems to come quite naturally for him. It makes me wonder why he has never shown that aspect of his personality with me, even when I have asked for it.

I've also been thinking about the idea of opening up our casual relationship. I wouldn't want to bring another person into our triad. But I wouldn't mind, in fact, I think I would welcome the ability to feel free to have casual, yet meaningful, encounters with others. I dislike that I am currently forbade from doing so, as it would result in relationship breakdown.

I've also been toying with the idea of what makes a 'good' or 'successful' poly person. What traits do they need? What tools do they posess?

Do I make a good poly person?
Does Craftymama?
Does Glassman?

These are all questions I am searching for answers to...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Language of Poly

I've been realizing lately that we have come up with some interesting words to describe things. This entry is not about 'regular' poly words, more words that we have created in our own relationship.

Life: This came after some crazy hectic events that took place on a family vacation. This vacation was the catalyst that caused many breakdowns, but allowed us to be where we are now. Whenever we would be thinking something, for a while, most of us would reply 'life'. Soon, we banned this word - as it did not promote open communication, and just became plain irritating.

Cheese: The first ever cheese was couch cheese. Now we have sleep cheese, conversation cheese, sex cheese, cuddle cheese and Im sure more. It, obviously, refers to being in the middle. We use it in every day life without batting an eye. It's weird how easily this terms has worked its way into our vocabulary.

Something: In a new relationship, especially one that none of us have done before, there can be a lot of turmoil or a lot of feelings that we are not used to. Or maybe its because we are all talking more, so we are also all feeling more. Anyways, when one of us is giving off the appearance of something being up, we often ask "are you something?" Usually, the person being asked isn't fully aware they are something, and it takes the question to make them realize it.

_____'s not sharing: In any relationship, but probably moreso in a poly one, open communication is essential. We are striving to communicate everything, openly, and without needing prompting or convincing. However, we are not perfect yet. As a result, when two of us are talking and someone isn't being open, "______'s not sharing!" can be heard being yelled throughout the house. This usually results in the third running in and tickling or otherwise harassing the one who was not sharing.

Whatcha Thinkin'?: This is used so often that I am almost sick of hearing it. In the same vein of open communication we often ask this of eachother when we think the other is lost in their thoughts. "Nothing" is not very often an acceptable response, and as you have read, "life" is banned as an answer.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Where My Life Would Be

I have been wondering of late where my life would be right now if things hadn't have happened as they did back in November.

My feelings for Craftymama had been there for a very long time, and were approaching a breaking point for me, wherein, I would have had to tell her how I felt. If it did mean losing our friendship, then I dont think she would have realized how she felt - though she claims otherwise.

Glassman and I had intended to start trying for another baby in March, so hopefully by now we would be pregnant. Craftymama also wanted to get pregnant in March - we were going to be pregnant together: that dream has gone out the window.

I'd still probably be living in our small little 1 bedroom basement suite - which I loved and which was cheap! We'd still have the blue car that we had just purchased brand spanken new in the beginning of October, and we'd probably be watching the same dvd's of scrubs, stargate, and law and order in the evenings.

Now, I live in a seemingly giant house - though it seems small for 7 people. I drive a minivan - we traded in the brand new blue car, for a 2008 minivan and owed *more* money on it. And we dont even have a tv (well we do, but its in the craft room down stairs, not hooked up).

I say these things like Im complaining, but Im really not. All those things are material in nature, and the love I am experiencing now for my family is far more important, valuable, and awesome than any of those things. Do I miss my old life sometimes? Of course, but only in that looking back on the past; remembering how great it was, and wishing you could relive it just to experience it fully kind of way.

I wouldnt trade my life for the world. I Love Craftymama and Glassman and all of our very loud, very messy, and very adorable kids.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Blending Hard Work

There are a ton of things I could post about that have happened in our triad's 5 short months together, but why focus on the past...instead, this blog will start with the present. Whats on my mind lately has been the blending of our families.

Andrea birthed two boys, I birthed two girls - neither set during the triad - so all the kids have gone through adustments. However, this post is more about the adjustment in parenting when blending families.

When children are older I imagine its more challenging on them to blend, when the kids are as young as ours (3.5, 2.5, 1.5, and nearly 1), the stresses are more on us as caregivers.

Its in our kids' youngest years that we have more say in how things are done, what values are important, what battles we chose to undertake, and what cries of anger/sadness/frustration etc we run to. It is wonderful, in our house there is an extra parent. There are more arms to hold babies, more stories can be read, and just more love going around. We are also lucky in that we parent in the same general way - we are attachment parents. We cloth diaper, babywear, co-sleep, breastfeed...etc..etc. It works well. If one of us believed in CIO than that would be a problem - luckily we can avoid those giant issues.

Blending our families together has been much more challenging than I anticipated. Not only did I double my amount of kids seemingly overnight, but there is another parent I have to run things by, another parent I must trust to be there and care for my children (and I do), and another parent who can get frustrated and just 'give up' on parenting for the sake of a few moments of quiet.

For example - our oldest boy, R, is quite a picky eater. He routinely does not eat dinner. We don't normally make a habit out of having a desert, but we have lately as we have been doing more baking, and because we got a few chocolates from grandparents for Easter. So, what happens if at the end of a long day when both moms agree that R cannot have desert unless he at least tries dinner...but by the end of dinner one mom is so done with whining that she gives in. Does mom 2 step in and enforce what was previously said?

I dont know what battles to pick with Craftymama. I dont yet feel comfortable stepping in with her, when its in the middle of a situation. To be fair, I dont with Glassman either.

Im also not used to someone else questioning my instincts. Glassman is very timid, and never has, but Craftymama causes me to question the things I do - which is both good and bad. When Ive had a long long long day with the kids and our youngest, S, is whining one more time to nurse, and is still awake at 11:15p: is it my instincts telling me I should be the one to put her to bed? Or is it my mommy martyr parenting, where I feel I have to be the one to do it?

There are little things like who calls who what, the fact that we still default to caring for our bio kids first (diapers, shoes on, hand holding etc) - but I think those things will resolve themselves given time.

It has been an amazing experience getting to bring two wonderful boys into my life, and I wouldnt trade it for the world. I had assumed it would be easy - given that craftymama and myself are so similar - it has been easy in some regards - it has also been challenging.


Ive decided to start a blog to document the ups, downs and in betweens of my polyamorous triad. Good blogs on polyamory, one's where the partners are still together, are few and far between. It is my hope this blog will last a good long time....

Allow me to introduce us...

I'm Resourceful-mama (the resourceful part given to me by Craftymama). I was born in 1985. I am married to Glassman, and together we have K (2.5yrs, sept 07), and S (10months, june 09). I think way too much, but love to solve problems - and think Im pretty good at it. I think very logically, and often believe most emotions are a waste of time or a distraction from what is really going on. I am trying to live more in my heart and less in my head - so far, living a balance has enriched my life amazingly. I am slightly crafty, slightly athletic, slightly booksmart...I dabble in pretty much everything. I like to try everything once.

Glassman is my husband. He currently works as an apprentice glazier, but did go to school with the intention of majoring in Criminology. He is quiet, and does not posess very many opinions on things - but when he does he is not easily swayed. He is very intelligent - when he applies himself. He is athletic, a lacrosse player, and enjoys being active in all regards. Everyone tells us we are absolutely perfect for eachother and meant to be together. When we work we work...but when we dont, we dont. Our relationship does not come easily, but it comes naturally.

Craftymama is my best friend and my soulmate. She is my co-stay at home mom. She always knew, from the time she was a child, that she would be a mother - she is an amazing mother. She lives her life following her heart, and does not care what others think of her. She is incredibly crafty and our children and house are decorated by things crafted by her hands. She birthed two boys (R, 3.5-june 06 and M, 1.5-oct 08) with her husband, Cableman - who she still maintains a relationship with. Our relationship has its own power, and is overwhelming at times.

I hope from time to time the others will post entries on this blog, but I will be the main poaster.