Thursday, July 29, 2010

Sleep and my never ending problems with it

Sleep, as I have said numerous times in numerous places, is a giant issue for me.

I feel closest to people when I sleep, I feel the most vulnerable during sleep, and I also have the purest moments of happiness (usually) when I am just waking up and am in the half asleep state.

As I said in my previous entry after spending nights on the couch that bedroom, and that bed ceased to be mine. In fact, after the very first night of me not being there it was no longer mine - all it took was one night. I'm sure this feeling was accentuated by the fact that this house still doesn't feel like mine, so anything that did feel like mine was being hung unto by a thread - threatening to break with any stress, and the stress of my and Glassman's ending relationship was certainly enough to break that one.

That bed was always the triads bed. Even though Craftymama and I shared it alone while Glassman was at school, and numerous combinations have had sex on it multiple times. We bought the bed together, it was our first big purchase. All three of us tried it out at the bed store - which was funny in and of itself.

When the triad broke up, during our break, it could no longer be the triad's bed, or at least it could no longer exist the way it used to. Given that I was the one who had broken the triad up, I was the one walking away from the bed. Further, they spent that first night together in the bed - which I believe may also have been there first night sleeping alone in a bed together. So with the triad broken, and the bed belonging to no one, it went, by default, to the first pair sleeping there.

Also, I was on the couch. In the exact same position, with S, and also with the same blanket as I had been on many nights in the past when Glassman and I used to live with Cableman and Craftymama on weekends. It was painfully familiar. So much so that it felt like home. I looked out the window and saw the same things I saw all those nights ago when the evenings would be filled with talking and crying and the mornings filled with awkwardness. It was like thats how it was meant to be. So though I hated every second of it, sleeping on the couch with S felt more like home. Thus, further solidifying the bed not being mine. When I would go in there to get dressed, I always felt I was going into someone else's room.

I am back in the bed now. But it still doesn't feel like mine. I still feel like an intruder, and I still feel like I belong on the couch. I am working on that. It will take time for me.

Its such a silly little issue. I mean, its just a bed right? Perhaps its because I put so much value in sleep, that the location of sleep becomes just as important. Either is what it is.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Some End, Some Change, Some Rearrange

It's been a long time since I've updated. At first it was because nothing was new, so I had nothing to talk about, then when something giant did happen I was without a computer.

Relationships have changed.

I guess from the beginning. We tried out living with Cableman, and it worked, kind of. It worked well enough to make it a permanant situation. So we moved, into the green house - which is actually being painted yellow and red now. His presence drastically changed all relationships. Our triad lost its groove, and we all felt it. We still don't have it back. But that could be due to another relationship changing.

Glassman and I took a break. I had been realizing, over the course of longer than I think anyone (save maybe Craftymama) knows. I have been struggling with our relationship for quite some time now, and it finally got to the point where I didn't think it was fair to keep doing it any longer. We had a talk one night and I told him I wasn't sure I loved him anymore, and I thought we should take a break. He took this to mean breaking up - assumptions ftw!

Over the course of our break it was very weird. He still kissed craftymama goodbye in the morning, and was still affectionate with her. It was weird seeing my husband be affectionate with someone else while at the same time giving me the cold shoulder - why wouldn't he? I had broken his heart. We alternated who slept in the bed with Craftymama, and I didn't sleep when I was on the couch. Those were long nights. I am more dependent on her than I ever realized before this.

We talked as a group off and on during our break, and I eventually realized that I still wanted to be in a relationship with Glassman, but that it needed to be different. He needed to know the difference, at least in my mind, between relationships. And he needed to be okay with my desire to be with Craftymama on a deeper level. It didn't/doesn't take away my love for him; my love for her is just more powerful than I could have ever anticipated.

He also admitted that he hasn't been himself around me since he returned from school the first time. He has been trying to be the person I want him to be. I loathe fake people, so maybe I was able to sense this on some level.

Either way, we decided to try again. From complete scratch. I feel more comfortable to do the things I want to do, and I have stopped feeling guilty for the way I feel about Craftymama. I am hoping he has started to be himself around me, but I'm not him so I don't know. We all sleep in the same bed again. The topic of it not feeling like my room anymore is for another post, one I hope to do shortly.

So Glassman and I are starting again - this time for real. Im nervous.

I proposed to Craftymama! Hell yeah I did! It was a perfect proposal, done at a Starbucks while we were knitting one night. I have had the ring for a while but was always looking for the "right" time, when all relationships were more stable and what not. I finally decided to do it. It was a wonderfully surreal evening - oh, she said yes! Obviously. We are excitedly planning a wedding for October 9th 2011. Glassman was genuinely excited for us, and asked to walk me down the aisle - so sweet.

Cableman and Craftymama are also on a bit of a hiatus. There relationship, in her words, has always been one of convenience, and though she loves him (and he her) they don't mesh well together as partners and have to work on that in order to make something stable, loving, and awesome for the both of them. Cableman is understandably devasted by this voiced changed (Craftymama has been feeling this way for a while).

Honesty is going to go a long way in making this triad (quad?) work. In being honest in the past little while I have strengthened an already strong relationship, started anew one that is failing, and witnessed a change in another that will hopefully bring both parties some happiness.