Friday, March 30, 2012

Stuck in the Middle

I'm so stuck in the middle sometimes between Craftymama and Glassman. It's a hard situation and one I am not so good at dealing with.

I don't know what it's like nor can I even begin to fathom how it feels for them to be living in the same house. On the one hand Glassman has to watch me be in a relationship with someone else. Plus, that someone else is someone who he used to be in a relationship. On the other hand Craftymama has to live withher current partners ex whom her partner has children with and thus will always be connected to. Plus, she used to be in a relationship with him.

Its all very complicated.

Plus like all people there is conflict and frustrations, only because they aren't in love anymore - there isn't that buffer. I am the buffer. When Glassman does something stupid - I hear it from Craftymama. When Craftymama is being high maintenance I hear it from Glassman. It's hard to remain neutral but still supportive.

I can't remain completely neutral. Afterall, I am in a relationship with Craftymama and as a result I need to support her through her fustrations, not encourage them, but support none the less. And with Glassman, well, I will always love him - I've known him for just too long. I am no where near in love with him anymore, he is a really good friend, but there are still those need to protect feelings.

Somtimes I wish there was a pause button...oooh! or a fast forward button!

Friday, March 9, 2012

The Kidlets

So R and K have been going to a waldorf school for quite some time now - well in the grand scheme of things I guess it isn't quite some time. But regardless. Last year, at their old school they were in the same class. The sadness at separating at the beginning of this year was heartbreaking - but they powered through.

Now we are facing the end of another year.

R will be doing another year of kindergarten - waiting for kids to be developmentally ready to move on, and to allow them to live in the innocence of childhood is fundamental to waldorf. But K will also be entering kindergarten next year - as she has now aged out of the preschool program. So we faced the decision of whether or not to put them in the same class again, or separate them. We have decided to separate them - allow them to be their own people, develop their own education journeys.

M and LittleR will be entering the preschool program next year - we definitely don't want them in the same class. They just aren't suited to be in the same class, and it will be detrimental to the both of them. We have decided to have one of the little kids go two days a week and the other go three days a week. Next year M will probably be moving to kindergarten, at that point R will be in grade one so M will go into R's kindergarten class. The year after R will go into grade 2, K will go into grade 1, M will still be in kindergarten and LittleR will go into K's old kindergarten. Oh the constant shuffling and arranging of children and their schools!

We have had the parent teacher interviews. The kids are doing well. K is excelling in her artistic expression, and R is so engrossed in childhood that it's inspiring to watch apparently. I am so glad to hear that, and so relieved to hear they are doing so well, making friends, and enjoying their childhoods.

Waldorf offers them such a great chance to experience all aspects of living, and of childhood. All aspects of nature and the seasons - and above all else of acceptance. R's class motto is "All Friends are Welcome", which is a great value to have in a class. Though all the families must have similar values to send their kids to a waldorf school, there are still some variances. Still opportunities for teasing or mockery - especially for sensitive R who is so easily influenced by others.

As time goes forward, I realize we made the right decision in sending our kids to this school. Though Unschooling is still how I believe kids learn best, it isn't right for my family, waldorf is - and its fitting. It's working. I'm proud that my kids go there.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Sexuality part 2

Why is sexuality an okay thing to joke about or make fun of? The past week has shown me just how far we haven't come in all out accepting people who are different than our own.

I was sent to an all girls private school when I was 15. Apparently, and I play along too, that just leaves so many jokes available to my bisexuality. That I should have known, or others should have known. Apparently, growing up, my whole family suspected or knew I would be gay - and told my mom as such. Further - they made jokes that two out of 3 of her daughters were gay. I was made fun of - by my sisters. And one of my sisters was gay. I was taunted in elementary school when my sister came out, and all through high school because people thought I was a boy.

All of this through my development years. Since my change in sexuality, or embracing loving a woman - I have been going through these years of my life wondering that if I had been more supported, or if people had been more open minded then maybe I would have embraced my sexuality sooner. Maybe I never would have gotten married to glassman, or maybe I would have but would have explored my gay side a little more completely before getting married. I don't know what would have happened - but I can't help but feeling that I allowed myself to be oppressed to avoid all the stigma and all the negative attention that would have come from allowing myself to be publicly out.

Why are the jokes okay? Why do I play along with them like they don't bother me? Why don't I ever speak up? In highschool I can remember going home or being reduced to tears because people called me a boy or called me gay or whatever. Maybe it hit me so hard because I really was/am.

Even now, I have realized that I don't fit the typical girl attributes. I don't have a curvy figure, I am quite rectangular, I have the short butch haircut, I can't stand wearing tight fitting clothing. I am the butch lesbian - as horribly stereotypical as that sounds. If there is a male and female in lesbian relationships - I am clearly the male, and craftymama: the nail polish wearing, hair curling, primping one, is clearly the female. This fact bothers me.

But why does it bother me? I mean - I don't like wearing tight fitting clothing. It makes me feel large and uncomfortable. Nail polish makes me feel self conscious. I do like wearing makeup sometimes - but all in all I don't enjoy being that person. But part of me feels I must. I am a girl. This is what girls do. This is what girls look like, this is what a girl is. And I am a girl - aren't I? So the fact that I don't fit what the norm is, makes me so uncomfortable and so self loathing. I am not angry or resentful of Craftymama for doing those things - its who she is. I guess a part of me just wishes I was like that and because I am so uncomfortable in my own skin I am envious of the fact that she is so comfortable in hers.

I just want to feel comfortable. In the person I am, in how I look, how I dress, my own sexuality. I want to be able to walk down the street in the clothes that feel comfortable to me (even though I don't own them yet), hold craftymama's hand and not think of all the jokes and ridicule that are out there. I want to not feel like everyone was right growing up - even if they were.

Because how would they know my sexuality before me? And if they did, who were they to tell me or even more so make fun of me for it? Who were they to determine something before I had? Maybe if they hadn't have tried to force it on me I would have found out sooner, and maybe then I'd be comfortable in my own less than feminine skin now.