Sunday, April 25, 2010

Relationship SNAFU

For the first time since starting this blog - a whopping 2 or so weeks ago, our triad has had its first moments of tension.

It's not like it was new tension - but it was scary all the same. How it started was Glassman crossed a line with me. He has a habit of going too far with his playful banter to the point of actually hurting me. He did it again, and a conversation ensued.

The three of us are quite good communicators. We dont yell or raise our voices, we encourage eachother to talk, and we are generally very supportive of one another during the process.

I was, honestly, frustrated. I felt like I had been having this same conversation for 7 years. I was and still slightly am tired of trying, tired of always having to take the mature route so that Glassman can learn something, or have an easier time of it. I know, I know - in relationships it isn't always fair. "Work" isn't split 50/50. If I want the relationship to work then I have to keep trying even if I was the one who tried last time, and the time before that, and the time before that.

I think Im allowed my immature moments. Im allowed to screw up - but it seems when I do I pay the price for it, and end up having to work ridiculously hard to make up for it. When Glassman screws up, Im expected to understand that he is trying and making an effort (which I do - I think).

Anyways, so we had our conversation, I was still quite upset - especially when Glassman chose not acknowledge something when I opened up to him about it, and I went to bed crying. Craftymama recognized this and did her best to console me.

The next day we all played like nothing was wrong, as we usually do - and that was that.

I am going to attempt to put into play some of the ideas Craftymama had:
- Saying in a serious tone, not smiling or laughing, when Glassman is nearing my line.
- When I'm saying something that would potentially irritate him I will phrase it as, "I feel..." basically dumb it down completely, so it helps with my tone of voice.
- Let things roll off my back more
- Be more compassionate with Glassman as I am with Craftymama.

Of course, Glassman has stuff he is supposed to do as well, but this is my post - so I can only focus on how I am going to get better.

Am I worried for our relationship? A little. I feel I have come to some realizations this past 2-3 weeks, that have put me on shaky ground.

Ive realized that even though I thought I was guilty of playing the comparing game, I'm not. Its more a point of reference game. I had previously thought that it wasn't in Glassman's nature to be physically affectionate, or more personable - but it seems it is. It seems to come quite naturally for him. It makes me wonder why he has never shown that aspect of his personality with me, even when I have asked for it.

I've also been thinking about the idea of opening up our casual relationship. I wouldn't want to bring another person into our triad. But I wouldn't mind, in fact, I think I would welcome the ability to feel free to have casual, yet meaningful, encounters with others. I dislike that I am currently forbade from doing so, as it would result in relationship breakdown.

I've also been toying with the idea of what makes a 'good' or 'successful' poly person. What traits do they need? What tools do they posess?

Do I make a good poly person?
Does Craftymama?
Does Glassman?

These are all questions I am searching for answers to...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Language of Poly

I've been realizing lately that we have come up with some interesting words to describe things. This entry is not about 'regular' poly words, more words that we have created in our own relationship.

Life: This came after some crazy hectic events that took place on a family vacation. This vacation was the catalyst that caused many breakdowns, but allowed us to be where we are now. Whenever we would be thinking something, for a while, most of us would reply 'life'. Soon, we banned this word - as it did not promote open communication, and just became plain irritating.

Cheese: The first ever cheese was couch cheese. Now we have sleep cheese, conversation cheese, sex cheese, cuddle cheese and Im sure more. It, obviously, refers to being in the middle. We use it in every day life without batting an eye. It's weird how easily this terms has worked its way into our vocabulary.

Something: In a new relationship, especially one that none of us have done before, there can be a lot of turmoil or a lot of feelings that we are not used to. Or maybe its because we are all talking more, so we are also all feeling more. Anyways, when one of us is giving off the appearance of something being up, we often ask "are you something?" Usually, the person being asked isn't fully aware they are something, and it takes the question to make them realize it.

_____'s not sharing: In any relationship, but probably moreso in a poly one, open communication is essential. We are striving to communicate everything, openly, and without needing prompting or convincing. However, we are not perfect yet. As a result, when two of us are talking and someone isn't being open, "______'s not sharing!" can be heard being yelled throughout the house. This usually results in the third running in and tickling or otherwise harassing the one who was not sharing.

Whatcha Thinkin'?: This is used so often that I am almost sick of hearing it. In the same vein of open communication we often ask this of eachother when we think the other is lost in their thoughts. "Nothing" is not very often an acceptable response, and as you have read, "life" is banned as an answer.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Where My Life Would Be

I have been wondering of late where my life would be right now if things hadn't have happened as they did back in November.

My feelings for Craftymama had been there for a very long time, and were approaching a breaking point for me, wherein, I would have had to tell her how I felt. If it did mean losing our friendship, then I dont think she would have realized how she felt - though she claims otherwise.

Glassman and I had intended to start trying for another baby in March, so hopefully by now we would be pregnant. Craftymama also wanted to get pregnant in March - we were going to be pregnant together: that dream has gone out the window.

I'd still probably be living in our small little 1 bedroom basement suite - which I loved and which was cheap! We'd still have the blue car that we had just purchased brand spanken new in the beginning of October, and we'd probably be watching the same dvd's of scrubs, stargate, and law and order in the evenings.

Now, I live in a seemingly giant house - though it seems small for 7 people. I drive a minivan - we traded in the brand new blue car, for a 2008 minivan and owed *more* money on it. And we dont even have a tv (well we do, but its in the craft room down stairs, not hooked up).

I say these things like Im complaining, but Im really not. All those things are material in nature, and the love I am experiencing now for my family is far more important, valuable, and awesome than any of those things. Do I miss my old life sometimes? Of course, but only in that looking back on the past; remembering how great it was, and wishing you could relive it just to experience it fully kind of way.

I wouldnt trade my life for the world. I Love Craftymama and Glassman and all of our very loud, very messy, and very adorable kids.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Blending Hard Work

There are a ton of things I could post about that have happened in our triad's 5 short months together, but why focus on the past...instead, this blog will start with the present. Whats on my mind lately has been the blending of our families.

Andrea birthed two boys, I birthed two girls - neither set during the triad - so all the kids have gone through adustments. However, this post is more about the adjustment in parenting when blending families.

When children are older I imagine its more challenging on them to blend, when the kids are as young as ours (3.5, 2.5, 1.5, and nearly 1), the stresses are more on us as caregivers.

Its in our kids' youngest years that we have more say in how things are done, what values are important, what battles we chose to undertake, and what cries of anger/sadness/frustration etc we run to. It is wonderful, in our house there is an extra parent. There are more arms to hold babies, more stories can be read, and just more love going around. We are also lucky in that we parent in the same general way - we are attachment parents. We cloth diaper, babywear, co-sleep, breastfeed...etc..etc. It works well. If one of us believed in CIO than that would be a problem - luckily we can avoid those giant issues.

Blending our families together has been much more challenging than I anticipated. Not only did I double my amount of kids seemingly overnight, but there is another parent I have to run things by, another parent I must trust to be there and care for my children (and I do), and another parent who can get frustrated and just 'give up' on parenting for the sake of a few moments of quiet.

For example - our oldest boy, R, is quite a picky eater. He routinely does not eat dinner. We don't normally make a habit out of having a desert, but we have lately as we have been doing more baking, and because we got a few chocolates from grandparents for Easter. So, what happens if at the end of a long day when both moms agree that R cannot have desert unless he at least tries dinner...but by the end of dinner one mom is so done with whining that she gives in. Does mom 2 step in and enforce what was previously said?

I dont know what battles to pick with Craftymama. I dont yet feel comfortable stepping in with her, when its in the middle of a situation. To be fair, I dont with Glassman either.

Im also not used to someone else questioning my instincts. Glassman is very timid, and never has, but Craftymama causes me to question the things I do - which is both good and bad. When Ive had a long long long day with the kids and our youngest, S, is whining one more time to nurse, and is still awake at 11:15p: is it my instincts telling me I should be the one to put her to bed? Or is it my mommy martyr parenting, where I feel I have to be the one to do it?

There are little things like who calls who what, the fact that we still default to caring for our bio kids first (diapers, shoes on, hand holding etc) - but I think those things will resolve themselves given time.

It has been an amazing experience getting to bring two wonderful boys into my life, and I wouldnt trade it for the world. I had assumed it would be easy - given that craftymama and myself are so similar - it has been easy in some regards - it has also been challenging.


Ive decided to start a blog to document the ups, downs and in betweens of my polyamorous triad. Good blogs on polyamory, one's where the partners are still together, are few and far between. It is my hope this blog will last a good long time....

Allow me to introduce us...

I'm Resourceful-mama (the resourceful part given to me by Craftymama). I was born in 1985. I am married to Glassman, and together we have K (2.5yrs, sept 07), and S (10months, june 09). I think way too much, but love to solve problems - and think Im pretty good at it. I think very logically, and often believe most emotions are a waste of time or a distraction from what is really going on. I am trying to live more in my heart and less in my head - so far, living a balance has enriched my life amazingly. I am slightly crafty, slightly athletic, slightly booksmart...I dabble in pretty much everything. I like to try everything once.

Glassman is my husband. He currently works as an apprentice glazier, but did go to school with the intention of majoring in Criminology. He is quiet, and does not posess very many opinions on things - but when he does he is not easily swayed. He is very intelligent - when he applies himself. He is athletic, a lacrosse player, and enjoys being active in all regards. Everyone tells us we are absolutely perfect for eachother and meant to be together. When we work we work...but when we dont, we dont. Our relationship does not come easily, but it comes naturally.

Craftymama is my best friend and my soulmate. She is my co-stay at home mom. She always knew, from the time she was a child, that she would be a mother - she is an amazing mother. She lives her life following her heart, and does not care what others think of her. She is incredibly crafty and our children and house are decorated by things crafted by her hands. She birthed two boys (R, 3.5-june 06 and M, 1.5-oct 08) with her husband, Cableman - who she still maintains a relationship with. Our relationship has its own power, and is overwhelming at times.

I hope from time to time the others will post entries on this blog, but I will be the main poaster.