Thursday, May 31, 2012


So I went away to Toronto for work. It was so hard to leave everyone. I had a mild panic attack at being so far away from my kids. I wanted to run away and go back to them. It felt so wrong to be so far away from them. And being without Craftymama was like being without air, it was so hard to function. I thought about them all the time.

They were all fine. Kids had lots of fun, and K's room got finished: complete with new hardwood floors, painted ceilings, walls, trim and all the fun stuff. It's like the most done room in all of the house now. Slowly but surely I suppose we are making it ours - and yet in the back of at least my head I know that when the kids move out in the many years to come we will be selling it and moving back to Nanaimo. Our place is not Duncan. We are destined to return to Nanaimo - and something tells me we are destined to return to the Green House. It is Andrea's dream house, and her kindred soul, but more than that - it is something for me - but I don't know what yet. Figuring out the green house isn't at the forefront of my thoughts lately.

My grandma is still in the hospital - multiple seizures, brain surgery. I feel awful at not being able to see her, but I don't want to stress her out, or get her sick - and I still have a cough. If she goes home I am going to visit her there. Even if it's just to say a silent goodbye. I wasn't there for my grandpa, I want to be there for her.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Tick Tock

It's been quite the week.

I am leaving for Toronto today, I got to say a great goodbye to R last night because he is never up in the morning. K gave me the most gigantic of hugs. And M actually let me kiss him, he is normally very cranky in the morning and wants nothing but food. He also told me he would miss me. *Ded from cute*. LittleR slept in, which us weird for her - so I didn't get to say goodbye. I am so sad to leave the kids - it's the longest I've ever been away from them. My heart is aching already.

I don't want to leave Craftymama. She is my love, my happiness, my comfort - every day and every night. Even when we are frustrated, there is nothing better than finding her hand in the middle of the night.

My birthday was two days ago. It was all right. I'm 27 now, and that just feels absolutely unreal to me. I had my favourite dinner - and my favourite cake, and then went to R's teacher/parent evening. It was fun, and it solidified my want to be a waldorf teacher.

Oh...I guess I haven't shared that. I've been trying to figure out what I want to do. I want a career, and something with benefits, closer to home, and that fits in with my values. Everyone has always told me I'd make a good teacher (and lawyer lol), but I couldn't stand teaching in the public or private school system. But the more I come to learn about and witness waldorf the more it seems to click with me. I may not agree with everything - but no workplace is going to be perfect. I am hoping to start school in 4 years, there was another program this year starting but we just couldn't afford it.

I wan't to talk about my Grandma, but I don't know what to say. She is in the hospital, and has been diagnosed with brain cancer and multiple tumors. For so so many years, and even now - I looked at her and her life and always wanted it to be my own - or at least similar. She successfully raised 6 wonderful children, who are all so vastly different its amazing. She had an incredible relationship with my Grandfather. She was strong, and proud, and confident. She was a stay at home mom, and did all those things you would expect from the 1950's. I looked up to her. And I still do. Even now, in her weakened state - the values she instilled in her children are showing. Together, they have taken turns staying by her side all the time - she is never alone, they have been her advocate to the doctors, and they have not been afraid to show their emotions and reach out for help.

Though I do not agree with my grandmother on everything, and I know she doesn't agree with me about everything - there is still that connection. She was the first person who taught me how to clean a chicken coop, chase a chicken, and feed them. She let me wonder The Property and told me all about the different plants I would find. When I was little and spent weekends there, she found my crying in the closet because I missed home - and she comforted me, and we made cookies. She made me exquisite bubble baths with candles and lots of bubbles in her giant soaker tub and let me play there for hours. She would show me pictures of my mom growing up, and talk about the past so clearly I could picture it. She and my Grandpa got me my first guitar, and encouraged my love of my music. She has a wonderful spirit.

I only wish I got to know her better, that we were closer - but that's what happens in life, we don't actually realize how many memories we have with a person until their life is ending. We don't realize all the time we wasted being angry, or doing other things until its too late. I know my grandma and I could never have been best friends - but I wish I could have shown her what all those memories and all those times with her taught me. I wish I could let her see how those strong family values, and the ability to just make-do with what you have has shaped who I am.

I love my grandma - even if she doesn't know it.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Building, Growing, Learning

We had a weird moment yesterday. We were renovating the upstairs: taking up the floors, scraping ceilings and the three of us were drinking some drinks, listening to music and it was just all working. And then later on, Craftymama pointed out that we couldn't do half the stuff we are doing without a man. Sexist yes - but I have had that thought a few times as well. Not that females can't reno like we are, but that us two specifically could not. We are thankful for Glassman in that regard.

We got our yard landscaped a few weeks back - and it has changed the entire house. It has given it a new life. It's nice to see it looking so fresh, and so inhabited, rather than overgrown and forgotten. So many things left to do - but its a start.

Craftymama is busy sewing dolls every evening, I am preparing to head to Toronto next weekend for a trade show, and glassman goes between playing video games and practicing his martial arts. R is going through a rough time - and its so testing. K is a princess and the world owes her. M is SO WHINY, but intermixed with adorableness. And finally, Little R...well she is the same - crazy.

R's birthday is soon. He will be 6. Seriously...this little kid will be six. I remeber being six. As he gets older I remember my own childhood. I also begin to realize that we aren't raising babies or toddlers, what we are raising are adults - these beings, these souls will one day be adults - and watching R go through the first of these stages is very humbling.

LittleR's birthday is also coming. She is *my* last baby. Historically speaking on her birthday - when she was born, when she turned 1, and when she turned 2 - only Glassman, Craftymama, and myself has been there. She doesn't seem important to anyone outside our immediate family. No one makes time for her - she just is. And that makes me sad. I love her so fiercely, and as she gets older - I find myself feeling older. She is aging me - but not inn a bad way.