Tick Tock

It's been quite the week.

I am leaving for Toronto today, I got to say a great goodbye to R last night because he is never up in the morning. K gave me the most gigantic of hugs. And M actually let me kiss him, he is normally very cranky in the morning and wants nothing but food. He also told me he would miss me. *Ded from cute*. LittleR slept in, which us weird for her - so I didn't get to say goodbye. I am so sad to leave the kids - it's the longest I've ever been away from them. My heart is aching already.

I don't want to leave Craftymama. She is my love, my happiness, my comfort - every day and every night. Even when we are frustrated, there is nothing better than finding her hand in the middle of the night.

My birthday was two days ago. It was all right. I'm 27 now, and that just feels absolutely unreal to me. I had my favourite dinner - and my favourite cake, and then went to R's teacher/parent evening. It was fun, and it solidified my want to be a waldorf teacher.

Oh...I guess I haven't shared that. I've been trying to figure out what I want to do. I want a career, and something with benefits, closer to home, and that fits in with my values. Everyone has always told me I'd make a good teacher (and lawyer lol), but I couldn't stand teaching in the public or private school system. But the more I come to learn about and witness waldorf the more it seems to click with me. I may not agree with everything - but no workplace is going to be perfect. I am hoping to start school in 4 years, there was another program this year starting but we just couldn't afford it.

I wan't to talk about my Grandma, but I don't know what to say. She is in the hospital, and has been diagnosed with brain cancer and multiple tumors. For so so many years, and even now - I looked at her and her life and always wanted it to be my own - or at least similar. She successfully raised 6 wonderful children, who are all so vastly different its amazing. She had an incredible relationship with my Grandfather. She was strong, and proud, and confident. She was a stay at home mom, and did all those things you would expect from the 1950's. I looked up to her. And I still do. Even now, in her weakened state - the values she instilled in her children are showing. Together, they have taken turns staying by her side all the time - she is never alone, they have been her advocate to the doctors, and they have not been afraid to show their emotions and reach out for help.

Though I do not agree with my grandmother on everything, and I know she doesn't agree with me about everything - there is still that connection. She was the first person who taught me how to clean a chicken coop, chase a chicken, and feed them. She let me wonder The Property and told me all about the different plants I would find. When I was little and spent weekends there, she found my crying in the closet because I missed home - and she comforted me, and we made cookies. She made me exquisite bubble baths with candles and lots of bubbles in her giant soaker tub and let me play there for hours. She would show me pictures of my mom growing up, and talk about the past so clearly I could picture it. She and my Grandpa got me my first guitar, and encouraged my love of my music. She has a wonderful spirit.

I only wish I got to know her better, that we were closer - but that's what happens in life, we don't actually realize how many memories we have with a person until their life is ending. We don't realize all the time we wasted being angry, or doing other things until its too late. I know my grandma and I could never have been best friends - but I wish I could have shown her what all those memories and all those times with her taught me. I wish I could let her see how those strong family values, and the ability to just make-do with what you have has shaped who I am.

I love my grandma - even if she doesn't know it.