It's been another month - I know. I'm awful at this lately. There is just so much going on that it's hard to find the time or the drive to sit down in front of the computer at the end of the day. I spend 8.5 hours of my day staring at not one but two computer screens, and I know we usually watch Netflix at night (which is another screen) but it's different when you can sit and relax and zone out.
However, that staring at a screen for the whole day thing is about to change. I start a new job on the 21st! I was hired to be an funeral director apprentice! Assuming all goes well, and I don't see why it wouldn't, I will start trade school in September. This is what I have been thinking my dream career is for quite some time now. It's something that I really want to do and I really feel passionate about. I just love the whole process and feel honoured to assist people during those extremely difficult moments of their lives. I was hired at a funeral home that has locations in both Ladysmith and Nanaimo, I will primarily be working in Ladysmith - which while still a commute, is a lot less than driving to Duncan every day. I feel kind of conflicted. My job at Country Chic Paint has been amazing. They have treated me fantastically, they are wonderful people, and I consider some of them to be my good friends. I am going to be very sad to leave them. It's also a pay cut, quite a pay cut, so I am nervous about finances as well. But I have to take this risk. If this is what I think I want to do, I have to do it, otherwise I will regret it every single day. If it ends up not being for me, than so be it, at least I took a risk and tried something.
The kids are loving Craftymama's short term program at Maple Hill. It's been a bit of an adjustment for M, I am told he is having the hardest time with it and can get quite cranky. J is 2, so he is a challenge too. The full term program for the fall also has a waitlist already! I can't believe the momentum this has, I mean I figured she would be successful - but this successful, this fast - it's astounding.
I started kenpo - which is a martial art, and I am loving it. Its affordable and twice a week and so so hard. I love how much it pushes me, and I honestly love walking away with bruises. I have great sensei's, who are patient with my lower fitness level, and great classmates, who both know when to treat me gently (as the only girl in the class and a good 8" shorter than the next shortest person) and when to challenge me. I am also trying to eat better and exercise at home. I have lost 24lbs in 2 months, and its awesome. I'm hoping it continues. I am trying to learn to love my body, I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be, but you have to start somewhere.
So the whole relationship thing - I swear that's why most people read this thing anyways. Ha Ha. So as we know glassman and craftymama split up. Since that time Craftymama and I have toyed with the idea of being open in our relationship. While she really wanted to be, I had a hard time with it speaking honestly. I have always believed in non-monogamy, but for some reason when it came to her I have issues. I continue to have some issues, but I am working on and through them with her support. This is something I want to do. I have even begun pursing the idea of seeing other people myself. I went on a date with a guy last week, which was a lot of fun - it's been years since I have been on a first date! I also have been getting close to this other guy; I can talk to him about my insecurities and jealousies with craftymama, and he, being in an open relationship as well, is able to talk to me with some knowledge of the situation. It's nice to have a friend who understands. Craftymama has been on dates as well, and I'm not going to lie, I did have some uncomfortable feelings. They have gotten a lot better over the past two-ish months, and I am making progress and facing demons. I am honestly proud of myself. I feel that this situation has made me deal with issues that have been plaguing me for years. I am now forced to deal with my low self confidence - it's empowering and scary for me. I have craftymama to help support me through things, and she has been amazing and very reassuring when I needed it. This is a new journey, it's full of excitement and fear - which are the best kind of adventures.
That leaves me and glassman. Neither of us know what we want a relationship between us to look like. It's been 6 years since we have been on our own without craftymama as our sort of glue. We are...well...I don't know what we are. We have decided to just not have a label, let things be, and see what happens. He is not comfortable being in an open relationship at all. He is fine with my being with Craftymama, but not with anyone else. So I feel sort of conflicted. If I want to be open with craftymama, I can't be with glassman, but if I want to be with glassman - I cant be with anyone else...It's hard. Relationships are hard.
I try to keep reminding myself every day that I am worthy, and that I deserve good things. It's hard to actually believe that - but I'm working on it. I'm also trying to recognize my accomplishments, and be proud of them. Even if no one else is going to be proud of me, I can be proud of me. At the end of the day all you have is yourself, so you better learn to like it.