Wednesday, October 30, 2013

From Dark to Light

My dad is officially in the ground. I wasn't there. I should have been there. My heart is heavy today. I want someone to hug me, I want to tell people that my dad just died, and how awful it is. Unfortunately, we don't live in a culture where the expression of grief is met with open arms - instead it is met with awkward stares and silence.

Craftymama is 38 weeks 2 days pregnant now. The midwife was surprised to see us on Monday, and says she will be shocked if we make it to our 39week appointment next Monday. I keep my phone close at hand at all times waiting for a text from Craftymama to come home because it is happening. That is going to be one of the longest drives in the world. I will try not to speed or be too distracted.

BigR is having a rough time at school. There were numerous problems with his teacher, who ended up quitting and now they are left without a teacher. This kid needs the most stability out of all the kids we have, and he is the one who has the least at school. I mean, I get it, Waldorf teachers are probably harder to find then regular teachers, but at the same time - this is a private school, we are paying for our children to go to this school, and I think, as a result, we should be able to expect certain things. It is not the school's fault that the teacher quit, it's just a frustrating as a parent for things to be so up in the air. We have considered pulling him from school at least until things are settled into a routine and there is consistency there.

I am doing better, emotionally. I met with my professor for the MBA class I am taking, and we agreed to a slightly different structure for my coursework this year, due to the classes and assignments I have missed because of my depression and my dad dying. I am catching up at work, and beginning to enjoy it again. I am more present at home, and feel like I am actually participating. We have a wonderful new tradition, I don't really know how it started, but every Sunday now I make french toast for everyone. Every second Sunday when Glassman and the girls are there we go through an entire loaf of bread. Each week one of the kids sits on the counter and helps me by passing the bread and eggs and what not. Last week it was BigR who never sits on the counter, he was giddy and loved it. After last Sundays breakfast we carved our pumpkins. Cableman even got up and came down early (as we had to carve them before I started work at 11:00a), so we could all do them together. There were 6 pumpkins to carve. As per tradition I do BigR's, Glassman does K's, Cableman does M's, and Craftymama does LittleR's. I don't know how it started for me to do BigR's, but it's a thing now.

The kids are also very excited about their upcoming lantern walks to celebrate Martinmaas, and the changing from light to dark. I have made all the lanterns, as I seem to do every year, and the kids are gleeful. I would get pictures, as it is quite the magical event, but it takes place in near dark, so you wouldn't be able to see anything.

I am officially on parental leave from my part time job. I was accidentally sent an email from my boss to the regional manager that said he didn't want me back when I left, so that sparked a series of discussions between us. But, they can't fire me for going on parental leave. It'll be nice not to work the upcoming evenings or weekends. I used to work my normal work week here in Nanaimo from 8:00-4:30p (save for Wednesdays wherein I have school from 9-12), and then on Thursdays and Fridays I would go straight to my other job and work there 5:30-8:30. I would also work there on Saturdays (10-6) and Sundays (11-5). It'll be great to have some time off and be at home.

Well, I think that's all for me. Maybe next time I update I'll have a picture of a squishy newborn to share! For now though, here is a picture of the kids at the big pumpkin pile where we pick out our pumpkins!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


On October 18th, 2013 my dad died. He died of liver cancer causing his liver and kidneys to fail. Apparently it was peaceful, his brother and sister were there with him when it happened.

Everyone keeps asking me how I am doing, or how I feel. The truth is, I don't know.

It was easy, when my dad was alive, to hold on to that hope that one day we would be able to have a relationship with one another. It was easy not to think about him. Now I find I am stuck in this place where I think about him frequently and have so many questions that I can never get answered.

It's not that we didn't try to have a relationship. We both tried at various points in our lives, but we could never get on the same wave length to hear what the other had to say. He was always so stubborn, and I pretended, even to myself, that I didn't need or want him in my life.

I am mourning the loss of something that never was. My family tells me I was a daddy's girl while he was at home, but I don't remember, I don't really have any memories from when he lived at home - I wish I did. I wish I had some great memories to counter act the bad ones I have of him after he left. I need to believe at some point he was a decent guy.

There won't be a service for him, as he didn't want one. I won't get to see his body one last time before he is cremated. I have no idea what he looks like now, how he has aged since I last saw him 3.5 years ago.

It has hit me harder than I imagined it would. There have been numerous times when I hadn't heard from him for quite some time, or had been told that he was really sick that I wondered if he had died, I honestly thought his extended absences had prepared me for his ultimate death - but they didn't.

I am left angry, upset, sad, lost and confused. There is no handbook for grief, there is no right way to feel, and yet I feel like I am doing it all wrong.

I don't know what I want or need from others around me, I don't know what I need to do for myself. I just keep stifling my feelings and allowing some of them to come to the surface when I am alone and it is quiet - healthy I know.

He was my dad, and I never knew him - and now I'll never get the chance.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

So Much To Catch Up On

It's been a long time since I have updated. The kids are back in school, Craftymama is 35.5 weeks pregnant now. I guess a drive by is kind of in order here....

  • BigR started grade 1 this year. Thus far he does not seem to be enjoying himself at all. He still lives in imagination world in his head, and isn't really into the whole sitting in desks and learning things kind of groove. They don't do a lot of academics - they get things like handwork, eurythmy, recess, drawing, and beeswax, but there is still 2 hours of main teaching lesson in the morning. 
  • K is loving school - because of the social interaction, but is quite peeved that she is not in grade 1 - she keeps trying to steal Big R's friends. I don't think she will have too much difficulty transitioning to grade 1 next year. The only thing she will really miss is the one on one attention that she can get from her teachers currently. 
  • M had some challenges going from kinder cottage (preschool) to kindergarten. He had to be 'encouraged' in each morning and would often leave screaming as well. He has fallen in love with one of his teachers though so that is helping a lot. 
  • Little R is also quite peeved with school - just because she goes only three days a week whereas the other kids go five. She loves kinder cottage, and loves after care. 
  • Craftymama is 35.5 weeks pregnant now - we figure she has two to three weeks to go before this little babe pops out. She is all done being pregnant now. She is uncomfortable, and her tail bone hurts all the time, she has heart burn - and she is just done. Her belly is quite big now and it is so beautiful to look at. Watching another person I love so much go through pregnancy is a remarkable thing, you appreciate it in a whole different light. 
  • The roof started leaking again. I mean I knew it would as it was leaking last year and we didn't fix it. It was leaking so much, however, that we had to do something about it - so there is now a bright blue tarp on our roof. Hopefully that will hold us over until we can properly get it all fixed. 
  • As for me, well....I've been busy. I work two jobs, and go to school. Emotionally I haven't been doing so well, which is why I took a break from blogging. Actually, I took a break from life. I stopped going to school, stopped doing my work at work and pretty much fell behind on everything. I'm starting to come out of it though and playing catch up. I need to learn when to ask for help.