Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Happy Anniversary

Today is February 25th 2015. It`s been one year (+ a day) since I was released from the hospital. So it has been a year since I have last been hospitalized. It`s been exactly one year since I was fired from my job, being told to `get my shit together', which catapulted into us having to foreclose on the house and move.

In one year I have moved twice.

In one year I have had 5 different jobs. A cleaner, two coffee shops, a transfer attendant, and now a wholesale accounts manager.

In one year I have gone through numerous ups and downs. Near hospitalizations, crisis', ECT, new drugs, and some self help steps.

I, personally, and my family have come a long way in one year.

We are in a place that we absolutely love. The land we are on is gorgeous, and I can't believe we get to live on it. The house itself is perfect for us, and just has so many quirks and charms - though the wasps nest in our wall is free to go any time it wants to!

I am working at a place where I actually feel valued and where I am doing a good job. Also, going through all those jobs this past year led me to what my passion is and what I want to make a career out of.

I still harbour feelings over the job I was fired from, and I need to deal with those. I still have many fears and anxieties that the depression that I have overcome will come roaring back at a moment's notice. I still deal with many issues of being borderline and bipolar - but I'm here - and thriving.

I leave for my 10 day vipassana meditation course next week. I have been looking forward to doing that for months now. I am trying to get into running and not hating myself when I don't or can't run for whatever reason. I would like to get back into Bikram yoga. I would also like to find some hobbies. I need some skills to deal with my extreme emotions, but I know that now - which is a step in the right direction.

My kids are growing, and our family is changing. We are realizing what is working for us in terms of schooling and education - rather than just surviving because that's all we have the energy for. We are picking our financial selves up and working towards the future.

Things are not perfect. But so many things are better than they were a year ago.

I survived the last year - and for that, I am happy.

Friday, February 13, 2015

I Learned

I did an experiment this week. I had read an article where a mom allowed her toddler to pick out her clothes for a week, and for some reason it really inspired me. We, as parents, are constantly telling kids what to do, what they can and can't wear (No you cannot wear a tank top on christmas day!), so why not switch roles and let them pick out some clothes. I gave each of them one day and let them pick whatever they wanted for me. I promised I would wear it whatever it was. 

Day 1

BigR picked out thick fleece PJ pants, a men's grey long sleeved shirt and a long light grey cardigan/jacket. This is very him. Recently we have been having tiffs because he has been wearing his PJ pants out in public under his jeans and then wearing them to bed, and repeating for days on end. I am assuming this was his mini rebellion as I was now wearing PJ pants during the day. He was quick to remind me that I couldn't wear them to bed that night. 

Day 2

K picked out flowing capri fairy pants, a grey tank top, a light brown long sleeve shirt, a royal purple sweater, a bright red jacket (that I wasn't allowed to zip up) and an ear warmer/head band. It wasn't too bad except for the royal purple and the red together - they didn't really work. K is very into fashion and creating layers so even though you couldn't see all 4 of my top layers, just knowing they were there was enough for her. My top was warm and my bottom was cold. 

Day 3

M didn't want to pick out my clothes. He gets very overwhelmed when it comes to decisions and usually will avoid making them if need be. 

Day 4

This was LittleR. We have grey dress paints, an orangey/yellow skirt, a bright red long sleeved shirt, a striped grey/black sweater, and a purple and blue hat. Given that she is the most weird and random of the bunch this outfit does not surprise me. It was the only one I was slightly self conscious about going in public in. It's very loud, what with the orange skirt, ad very much does not match. 

What I learned from this is that the kids all did things and picked clothes that suited their personalities and where they are in life. They all said, those who participated, that they had fun with this and would like to do it again. I learned it's okay to let go of a little bit of control over the things tat don't matter. Who cares if I don't match, or wear orange read, or an ear warmer when I don't need to. I didn't get near as many looks as I thought I would while walking to work, and my co-workers loved seeing my outfits each day. Maybe I'll do this again some day when J can participate. 

We are trying to get things in order. Paying bills that have to be paid, getting assistance with one's that can wait a bit. We are all having to be adults here; sort of. Glassman has always struggled when it comes to finding work, he has always had work fall in his lap or someone get the job for him - lucky bastard! This time, however, no one was doing that, and he wasn't doing all that much to help himself either. So we al sat down one night and had a not so fun argument about money and bills and jobs and responsibilities. There were hurt feelings, and some anger. But what came out of it was Glassman applying for a job, and him actually getting it the next day. It's a siding job, so it's not something that he has really dome before, and it's in Victoria but at least, for the time being, he is employed again. Thank goodness! I was looking at having to get a part time job in order to supplement income and there was no part of me that was looking forward to that. 

I also want to mention that I have been thinking a lot about my niece lately. She was found to have only one functioning kidney - though the other is ridiculously strong and has compensated. They are determining what type of surgery to do and then they will remove it. I can't imagine how hard this must be for my sister, or for my niece who has much strength as she never expressed anything past a little discomfort through this whole thing.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

So that sucks

So...glassman's job in Nanaimo had to lay him off a few weeks back due to lack of work. We were bummed. But then he got this job at a local glazing place. Yay same wages and saving on gas. Everything was going well. Or so we thought. Last week he got laid off again due to lack of work.

Now what the F*** do we do?

I don't make enough to support the whole family every month, it's just not feasible. He needs a job, and preferably one not in glazing where there seems to be yearly lay offs and not enough work to go around. I understand that at 29 when you only have one skill and need to have a job that can actually support a family it's hard to know what to do, and virtually nothing out there. Glassman is going on EI and that will help, and he is hoping to find a job that at the minimum pays what he needs to make in order for us to cover our bills. He has applied at a few places but he isn't the best people person, he admits it himself, so I know this will be a difficult process for him.

Of course this happens like our second month into bankruptcy and right before a bankruptcy payment is due. Did you know there is a monthly fee when you file bankruptcy? Cause that's fun...hey I have no money to pay my bills but here is some money for you.... Really, though, it wasn't that hard when glassman was working, we have extra, or we should have but we are still playing catchup on the bills we didn't file bankruptcy on. It's funny, we had to go to this counselling session and in it she was like "make a grocery list and meal plan"...Uhhh...duh...we have 8 people in the house I HAVE to do that. Have budgets for things you do, like coffee, we already do that. Don't buy new computers and things. All our furniture is second hand, our computer was given to us second hand, our clothes are second hand. I shop well and I shop sales. I know what I'm doing. When we filed we didn't even have a ton of credit cards. We had one, which, frankly, we stopped paying when we knew this was coming because what was the point in paying it. What caused this was a house we were mislead on that came crashing down around us at the same time I lost my job due to my mental health. It was honestly the house that did us in. Yes I have learned things from the experience, but at the same time, we didn't make drastic every day mistakes to get here.

Going through this made me realize that we don't know people's circumstances. I know there are people out there who know that I have filed for bankruptcy and think what a horribly irresponsible person I am. When that wasn't the case. I know there are people out there who judge me, and the 3 of us without asking questions or clarification on something they don't understand; whether it be poly or mental illness. People make assumptions, we judge other people. I am SO guilty of that, but I am realizing how detrimental it can be, and how hurtful it can be. Plus, I am learning what a waste of time and energy it is to judge other people. But it's a habit, and a hard one to break.