So we moved the kids around. They had been having 'sleepovers' in the basement with random assortment of children involved and we found a combination in which everyone slept better. So now, LittleR shares a room with J upstairs, BigR has his own room upstairs, and K and M have the room downstairs. M actually goes to sleep at a reasonable hour, LittleR can actually fall asleep in her own bed instead of on our floor, and BigR is so excited to have his own room; he's really the kid that needs it, he gets cranky if he doesn't have his own space. It's been good so far, though everyone has been up earlier than they were before which kind of sucks.
I am experiencing a few challenges with my new job. I have been sent home early most days, and actually have had this whole week, including tomorrow, off of work because there isn't enough for me to do. It's frustrating because I already took a pay cut for this job, and to not get full time hours on top of that makes me really stressed out. I'm thinking I might approach one of my bosses and ask if this is what I can expect for the foreseeable future. I don't want to give up on my dream, but I am realistic, I may get a part time job to help supplement my income, but it will depend on my hours at the funeral home. I know things will get better once I learn more and can do more, but I think they are waiting until I am a certified apprentice, which doesn't happen until June to start introducing me to the true nature of the job. It's been nice to spend some extra time with family though, and Craftymama has enjoyed not having to be the sole person in charge of cleaning and cooking.
I have now met Craftymama's girlfriend. They have been dating for about two months now, though craftymama says she feels like its been a lot longer. Craftymama is really happy, and you can see it in her smile on a daily basis - it's wonderful to see. I do feel compersion, amidst my feelings, that she is so happy. Craftymama's girlfriend, we will call her....PolyK, is outspoken, and loud, and open, and really friendly. I have hung out with her three times, and I would like to get to know her better, and on a level separate than just craftymama's girlfriend. I would like to be able to get to the point where I can discuss my insecurities with her, and actually feel comfortable enough with her for us all to hang out with me getting that slightly nervous, almost fear like feeling. That will come with time though.
I also really wish I could find someone. I have been on a few more dates. I don't know. Maybe I am too damn picky, craftymama says I am. There is this one guy, we will call him - TheHunter, that I have had a silly crush on for probably a year. Things have been really flirtatious between us since December. I have been forward with what I want, and unfortunately it wasn't what he was looking for. He is married, but in an open relationship. They have rules that they strictly follow, which is different than craftymama and I. We have gone out for lunch and we talk nearly daily about everything from sex, to gardening, to darts, to relationships. It's really nice. I just wish something more could happen but I don't know what my next step is. Both PolyK and craftymama tell me he is into me and to go for it, but I have put myself out there, twice, and was turned down, so I don't want to put myself out ther again. I need him to make the next move, but I don't think he will.
I have also been thinking a lot about my sexuality. Sexuality is something I have frequently pondered. For years, after my sister came out as gay, everyone made fun of me and told me I was gay. I cried several times about it, and had many meltdowns. What always got me was that I was attracted to women, and have always known that, but never wanted to admit it to anyone because I didn't want anyone to be right about my sexuality - because who the fuck were they to tell me who I am just because of who my sister is. I have always known I was attracted to both men and women, it was never an issue - it was just my way of life. I had crushes on women, and fooled around with women, but would never have a relationship with them because I didn't want people to be right. Now, where I am now, I find I have embraced being attracted to and in a relationship with a woman. I feel completely comfortable and confident with that. But almost too much. It almost feels like..I don't know..like I ignored my attraction to women outwardly for so long, that now I wish I wasn't attracted to men at all so I could almost make up for lost time. I have a hard time with being bisexual. I want to just freaking pick a team, and I know how awful that is - trust me. I don't like not feeling confident in my sexuality. I want to be able to just date men and women and not care. But when I date women, all I think of is craftymama and how every woman compares to her, and when I date men I think about how I wish I wasn't attracted to them (Except for TheHunter...he has a special place because it has been so damn long, and really, it just needs to happen now). I'm not confused about my sexuality, I am pretty sure I am bisexual. What I am having issue with is approving of myself, and actually accepting myself as a bisexual person. I have been struggling with that for awhile and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Ugh! Just another aspect of my personality I am trying to accept.
I have also been trying to come to terms with how having borderline personality disorder is going to continue to affect me. I have been making great strides in self improvement over the last few months, but there are some things - like emotional overreactions, that continue to be challenging for me. It is a part of the disease, and it's something I am going to have to work with. Bpd does not get cured, neither does bipolar. I can manage them, but at the same time, I will always display symptoms of them, and will always be on medication. I need to learn to work with my illnesses instead of ignoring them or thinking they are the only thing that define me. There is more to me than the way my brain malfunctions.
I am getting a new tattoo on Saturday, so freaking stoked about that! It's a forearm piece, geometric in design and very cool. It's going to be a long session as he wants to do it in one sitting, so it will be a long time of sitting still and having needles poked into my arm over and over.
I am also now a yellow belt in kenpo. I passed my test! I was exhausted and dying at the end of the sparring rounds: five two minute rounds of one on one, and then one one minute round of two on one - and that's after all the physical testw (push ups, sit ups etc), forms, kicks, combos. But I am yellow belt, I am so freaking proud of myself :)