Chickens

There are chickens in my future.

I can't tell you how many, and I can't tell you when, but I can tell you that they are coming. Craftymama is wearing me down - slowly. It helps that I saw some chickens that I fell in love with. Is THIS not the most awesome chicken you have every seen. They are called Silkies. They  have black skin, come in array of colours, have 5 toes (instead of the usual 4) and lay about 3-4 eggs for week - so not very many. They are also very broody - which means they want to mother all the things. It's a weird chicken. I fell in love with how weird it is and looks. I made a deal that with Craftymama that I would consider allowing her to get chickens if there was at least one silkie in the mix somewhere. I wonder if I can train it to sit on my shoulder...


Craftymama wants to do them free range, literally, so they would have no fences or anything around them. Apparently chickens don't go that far from their coop because they get lost too easily. I am concerned for wild animals. We do live on 115acres. I am sure there is wildlife present that would just love a delicious meal of fresh chicken. I would hate to be constantly replacing them if they kept being eaten.

Then there is the problem of what we do with them after the age of like 4 when they stop laying. Chickens can live for quite some time I learned, and if they aren't laying, then you are just paying for a pet. So one has to determine if you want to keep them as a pet or not. If not, then what. The usual method is to kill them. Craftymama said she couldn't do it, I doubt glassman would, but I am of the belief that it's partly your responsibility if you own the chicken and have decided to kill it because it's of no use to you any longer than you should respect it and it's life enough to do it yourself. So, I think the task would fall to me. I'm not sure if I am up for that, it's something to think on.

Also, if we move we may have to take them with us, so there would be the issue of where to put them if we moved into the city. We lucked out with the awesome house and property we are on now, and I don't think we'll find something like this again, so the likelihood of having ample space for chickens in a new house is low. I'd like to stay in our house for the 6 months our lease is, and then if our landlord agrees to et us stay here longer, then get chickens. I'm concerned we will ave to move after 6 months and thus don't want to do anything too permanent.

Regardless, I feel at some point in the future craftymama will get her chickens that she has been asking for for about 3 years I think. I will get eggs, which I have been missing since summer when our CSA ended, and then, maybe, everyone will be happy.



Also - craftymama has been begging for goats.

Finding a Balance

This is my 4th week back at work full time. In the grand scheme of jobs it's a really good job. It pays well, they provide awesome coffee in the kitchen in the office, they do lunch for everyone every Thursday; it's just a good place to work. It's not my dream career, working in a funeral home is, but you know it's not bad. 

However, finding a balance is hard. I find the transition from work to home really hard. The 15 minute drive home just isn't enough or isn't the right thing to help make that more smooth. At work, I'm in an office by myself. I'm constantly answering phones, talking to people, checking my email in between phone calls and conferring with other staff about shipping or prices or some other thing. It's busy, and my mind is always working and thinking but it's quiet. At home - it's chaos. There is't the same kind of thinking at home. There are 5 of them and when I get home at least one of them is cranky, and one of them is off the wall insane/energetic. Craftymama is tired - rightly so, and everyone is hungry as it's nearly dinner time. 

I don't know how to come into my own house where expectations of me are completely different without losing my cool a bit. I lose my patience with the kids quicker than I have a right to, I take my frustration with myself at being unable to cope out on Craftymama and Glassman when he gets home shortly after me. 

I want to be able to come home in the evenings and listen to what my kids did that day and not be thinking about work or the 50 things I have to do at home that night. I want to be able to read them stories and not wonder when the book will be over. I want to be present with them in a meaningful way. I don't know how to do it. 

I wonder if I knew how to do it when I was working before, or if I was at least better at it. Maybe I wasn't. I don't remember. I don't know if this is something I have aways struggled with and always wanted to fix - but I know it's something I want to fix now. We are all entitled to our bad days - but I have no right or desire to make every evening with my kids bad because I can't handle change. 

Christmas is Coming

So the holidays are upon us once more. We have many activities going on. There are gold and silver advent stars appearing on our kitchen ceiling every night. There is an advent wreath with a new candle every sunday. There is the advent calendar with a different fun activity every day for the kids to do. It's a lot of things. There is is Christmas itself. We try to do a low key Christmas at our house. Santa normally brings one gift each for the kids, plus a toy for them all, and their stockings. They are also spoiled by the grandparents.

Then on boxing day we usually have an open house style things at our house. With three parents living under one roof there are a lot of people who wants visits and it simply isn't fair to do some and not all so we have the open house and invite them all over at any point in the day. This is how it has always been. It works. Some years we don't get to see certain grandparents, but we try. With all 8 of our hectic schedules (and it could be worse if the kids were in extra curricular activities) it's hard to find the free time to get to go any places to visit. We do rely on people coming to us. Maybe that's a cop out, but that's how it is.

So we told all the grandparents about this, more reminded them as we figured they all knew. And I heard back from my mom. I was so disappointed. She treated me so curtly, and informally. She thanked me for the "kind invite", didn't know "if that would work" for her, would have to "think on it awhile and let [me] know." It was just so cold sounding. Like it was an automated response. What we're doing shouldn't come as a surprise. We always do this. Plus I'm excited for the first time in 4 years to show people where we live - it's a gorgeous house. I'm sad my mom probably won't come.

I keep trying for a relationship with her, but she doesn't seem to be trying back. I won't give up entirely though. I will not be the one to do that. I will not have myself looking back on my life one day and wishing I had made more effort to connect with my mother. I won't have that on my conscience.

In other news.....

I got a raise at my job - yay! And my own office, and a headset phone - it's like I'm special or something.

Kid Updates

You know - I write a lot of places. I have 3 blogs and an online journal. That's a lot of places. Sometimes I realize that I haven't actually told a specific sub-sect of people things that have happened. I have updated about my job, and moving and relationships, but not about the kids!

 BigR is talking back so much lately. Apparantly, he is still his sweet normal self when it's just craftymama and him during the day for school but whenever he is around me and the other kids he is all mouthy. Glassman tells me this is normal for an 8 year old boy - and I am holding onto memories of his sweet self all the times that he talks back to me. He is heavily into knights, pirates, and saints. He loves King Arthur, and Sir Cedric - and those type of tales. He really wants a pocket knife for Christmas, but I'm leaning towards no. In my opinion only, he hasn't shown enough maturity to have something like that given to him. I'm not against the kids having pocket knives at some point - but they have to be ready for them. He seems so big lately. It's hard to believe that he was once so little, I met him before he turned 2 and now he is nearly 8.5. He goes back and forth with what he wants done with his hair - sometimes short, sometimes dreads...so who knows. He is pretty tall, and his hands are nearly as big as mine are. I figure he will be taller than me by the time he is 14.

K is still trying to live in the land of adults. She loves adult talk. Loves cleaning. Loves mothering her siblings. She just wants to be an adult through and through. She is also obsessed with her looks and clothing - calling herself fat (so craftymama and I have had to really watch what we say about our looks), and being upset when specific clothing doesn't fit right or doesn't work together as an outfit. She also loves organizing things and keeping her room orderly - which I'm sure drives LittleR crazy. She is loving school, though she is copying two of the kids in her class who are quite rambunctious and crazy - so I wish she would stop that. I wish she would just enjoy being a kid, it all passes too quickly and she will have tons of time to be an adult later.

M is still my dichotomy. He is a boys boy. Loves to get dirty, loves fire trucks, loves cars, loves tools but at the same time is quite a sensitive little kid who often needs hugs of reassurance - though never when BigR is around because he always has to be on the lookout to impress his big brother. He has grown the most in maturity over the last little while. Even like his climbing, jumping, running, all those coordination things seems leaps and bounds ahead of where there were a mere 6 months ago. He is also obsessed with pirates, and colouring - and would happily spend hours at the kitchen table colouring pictures (usually of pirates). He is also a leader at school and one of the loudest singers we are told - which is absolutely incredible to us. Last school year you could hardly get him to participate. M is a picture perfect example of why two years of kindergarten is such a great thing for kids. There is no way, like with typical schooling, that he would have been ready for grade 1 this year. This extra year has given him confidence and self assurance. Oh - and he still has those wonderful dimples - I hope they never fade.

LittleR is still the weird kid. She still has a lot of emotional overreactions to things - usually expressed in the form of some type of tears She still is a little bit off, and man some of the outfits she manages to create for herself. I wish I had a photo album of her clothing choices at times. It would be great to look back on in 15 years. Though I am sure she would be incredibly embarrassed by it. She is, like Teo, also wanting to impress her older sibling - K in this case. She often will copy K or try to do or act like she think K wants her too. LittleR has such a unique personality that I don't want her to lose it because she is afraid of what other people thing. Really, I don't want any of my kids to be afraid of expressing their true personalities - it's not a good way to live. She loves rainbows, and unicorns, and loves listening to stories (most of the books she loves are the one's I strongly dislike). Everyone says she has my eyes.

Then there is J. Sweet happy screamy J. He is so happy when he is in public with strangers and when he can crawl around. He is not happy at home unless he is up or nursing with craftymama. Even then sometimes he is not happy. He is still throwing most of his food on the floor rather than eating it. He also said his first word - 'car.' So two of our kids said that as their first word - LittleR was the other. He is obsessed with cars and vehicle. He is also already loving being able to get down and dirty in the mud - so much for all of his wool pants. He still sleeps in bed with us, but craftymama and glassman just set up a crib in our room which he will hopefully be transitioning soon too. Maybe then craftymama can get some sleep without a small being pressed up against her all night long. He actually laid on me while asleep the other night which was absolutely wonderful. For the most part I can make him laugh, and I am the fun one. Craftymama can comfort him, and glassman can entertain him. He loves glassman so very much - it's cute. His eyes are some combination of blue-brown-mostly brown maybe. It makes sense, his donor's eyes were brown, but he's the only one in the family with them.

I was going to write about Christmas, but this entry got long enough. *Phew*

Work and Relationships

So I've been at my new job for..well..5.5 days (I'm on my lunch break on day 6 right now). I was originally hired as an office assistant as the one they have is going back to school. Evidently, I made quite the impression on them because I was told, if I wanted it, I could move into the Wholesale Account Manager position and do sales. So I started that today. Already I have made two sales. Well, I guess 1.5. One was completely mine, and the other I had taken over an account from the person who previously held this position and completed her follow-ups to make the sale. Still pretty impressive. I like talking on the phone and dealing with people - it will be nice when I can do it on my own and not have someone watching over me, but I'm still new in the position so the boss still sits beside me as I make phone calls and reads over my emails before they are sent. It's only been a week, I need to be patient. To be bad patience is not one of my virtues - never has been.

The three of us had relationship talks last night. Those are always fun and interesting. For the most part glassman was confused on where he stood with us, and I, as always, was concise and dealt with things quickly. I just said my piece - which was that I still loved him, and probably always would, and that I like where our relationship was. Glassman and I have never really been super affectionate lovey people with each other, it's just not who we are. Instead we wrestle, randomly dance in the kitchen, and I try to give him wet willies. I like that - I don't want that to change. As for what happened with glassman and craftymama - I don't know. They think so similarly, and neither of them really enjoy talking, so I went to bed to let them work it out, but I don't think anything was. All I know is that there are no labels, no comparisons; things just are as they are for the three of us. We are a family and we will stick together and by each other through everything. We've made that commitment. That's what's really important here.

So We Moved and Stuff

Today is Tuesday, we moved on Saturday to Springfield Farm. It's a gorgeous piece of property on 115 acres, lakefront on the property, and it's an old house. Craftymama and I have been commenting that maybe we just belong in old houses, we always feel more at home in them. To be honest, this feels more like home already than any house has since the green house all those years ago. Now here's hoping we can stay here for awhile - the owner lives partially on the property (in a yurt) and partially up island where the rest of his family currently lives. His place up island is only leased for 6 months, so we only have this place for a guaranteed 6 months. We are hoping it's much longer than that. Craftymama is already talking about livestock that she wants (chickens, goats, ducks...) and there are already llamas and sheep on the property. There is another family on the property with kids who homeschool so it's quite a good fit. Already the kids are all playing together, and going on adventures. They have now been told, after BigR went missing for a couple of hours, that when they go on adventures they need to tell someone. 115 acres is a big piece of land that will be easy for them to get lost in. It's a very cool place to grow up.

I started a new job yesterday. I am an office assistant for Country Chic Paint. It's a very different job from my transfer service, medicinal cannabis and coffee shop background. I've done office work before at Salvation Botanicals, so the work itself isn't hard or new, it's just learning a new company and new styles of doing things. It's weird - already. I miss being at home, miss doing the school stuff. I get home around 5:00p, and half the kids are in bed by 6:30p. I hardly see them. It will be great, financially speaking, for me to be working full time again, especially at the decent wage I am starting at. Granted, some of the money will be going towards the upcoming bankruptcy, but it needs to happen.

I'm really wanting to take a Vipassana Meditation Course. I had signed up for one in January - but I needed my dr. to sign off on me going, and I knew he wouldn't so I didn't even ask. I wish to explore that side of my spirituality.

J has not been put down in 4 days now. He was up with craftymama all during the move, and just hasn't gone down yet. I know I know what that's like as that's very similar to how LittleR was when she was a baby. I know it's exhausting, and I wish there was something I could do. I don't really think there is though, I think it's just something he has to go through, and then it will pass, and then she will miss it. Parents are crazy like that.

SisterE and I are talking again, which is wonderful. I don't want to be estranged from my family. I have tried texting my mom but to no avail. I think I just need to give her more time, or something. She can't ignore me forever. Craftymama's dad and I, on the other hand, have been getting closer. I stay with him when I have to spend the night in Nanaimo, and he is always willing to help by picking me up and dropping me off at appointments. He has always been understanding of what's going on with me and never once judged me or made me feel like less of a person. It feels weird being close to someone else's parent in that way - where you depend on them, and grow to trust them. Apparently, he thinks of me like another daughter, which is nice to hear. He has become a valuable and much loved member of my family. He even helped us get this house! I honestly don't know what I'd do without him sometimes. Craftymama takes after him in a lot of ways, it's one of the reasons she is so awesome I'm sure.

J's Birthday! and Update

J in his birthday crown

J is one today. He has been with our family for a whole year now. It seems insane. I keep thinking about where our family was last year at this time, and how things were, and it's so difference. My what a difference a year makes!

J is almost walking, he can do it, I just don't think it's fast enough for him - when he wants to be somewhere else, he wants to be there now. He loves beans and chick peas, which is why we had chilli for dinner. Thankfully, he also absolutely adores muffins, which is what we traditionally have on first birthdays. Craftymama's parents came for the mini celebration which was nice. I wish we could have all the family together for something, but I can't actually remember if and when that has ever happened for us. Christmas is coming soon, and I guess we need to start thinking about and planning that.

I had a second interview at a paint place to be an office assistant and a bookkeeper. I think it went pretty well. I feel qualified for the job, and feel I would be a good match energy wise for the company - it's whether or not they feel the same. I was told today it is between myself and one other applicant. I should find out whether or not I got the job on Wednesday. It would be so nice not to have to stress about finances so damn much. It would also be a little exciting to do sales again. I do like talking to people and designing marketing campaigns and what not.

We went to the new house yesterday and I finally got to meet the owner. He is quite nice. He still doesn't have all of his stuff moved out or away yet, so we offered to help a bit which he gladly took us up on. We have to figure out who is sleeping where, and there is some debate about that. We also have to figure out what furniture we're bringing and what we are selling as it comes partially furnished. Craftymama and glassman want to move this Saturday - that seems so close. I don't feel prepared at all for this move. I don't think any of us do really.

I've been speaking with SisterE a bit over the past few days, and even saw my mom on Saturday while I was in Nanaimo. I want to reconcile with the both of them - I really do. But what I need is to feel that they actually realize that they said some hurtful things both directly to me and my family and to others that found its way back to us. Things like calling us stupid for having J, or saying they only want a relationship with some of my kids etc. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says things or makes judgements that turn out to be wrong or that we regret. When it comes to family though it's important to admit to those mistakes. I was hurt by some of their words. I want to move forward, but they need to admit some fault as well here.

My mental health hasn't been all that great lately. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and am doing some invasive treatment again as well as starting some new medications that should hopefully help. I really think getting a stable, good job would really help as well so that I could feel like I was contributing to the household, and so we aren't so worried about finances. I am constantly thankful that I have craftymama (and now glassman again) to help support me and hold me when I need it. I don't know how I'd manage without them.

All of my beautiful children

Moving

We found a house. It's a 100 yr old farm house on 115 acres. We are not responsible for the land as there is another house on the property and in exchange for rent he takes care of the land and animals. Yes, there are animals. Llamas and rams right now I believe, though he did say that goats and chickens would be fine. Its a gorgeous house, very unique.

I have never in my however many years I have been working had so many issues finding a job - any job. I'll take anything at this point. I was stupid for turning down that job as a busser. I should have just sucked it up and taken in. I apply, I hear back, I think the interview goes great, and then I'm told that I didn't get it. I don't know. It's frustrating. I  need a job. I need a job badly. I wish I was skilled or trained in something, but I'm not. I'm not really trained in anything, I've just had a series of interested jobs that have taught my valuable skills, but those skills are nothing compared to other applicants who have direct experience in a given field.

Schooling or lack thereof continues to be on the table. We love the early childhood program at the waldorf school - but are unsure if the grades program is for us. I'm not sure if homeschooling, or it would be more waldorf inspired unschooling, is for us because I am not sure we provide an enriching enough environment. I'm so skeptical and critical. It would save us some money if they didn't go to the school, but I'm just not sold on the idea of keeping them home. It would be nice to be able to put them in activities outside of school; like scouts, toastmasters or gymnastics. It would be wonderful to not have the mornings be so hectic and chaotic and to be able to go more at our own pace, or craftymama's pace I guess as my plan is to be working full time.

Everything feels so up in the air. Everything is in question. I'm searching for some solid ground and not finding any. I  hear it will come eventually, and nothing worth having comes without work.

The Long Road Ahead

So the people took the place. To top it all off the guy is a smoker, and smokes outside. The kids say they have seen him throw his cigarette butts on the lawn - so that's just fabulous. Not only do we have to tell the kids (mostly K) to leave people, we also have to tell them to stay away from that whole side of the building when he is out there having a smoke, or close our windows when he is right below them by his doorway. So moving is definitely on the table, in fact, it is a must. But how?

You see, since losing my job at the end of February (which, on an emotional level, I still haven't really dealt with and still feel major feelings about), we have been just barely scraping by. We managed to do it for so long because frankly we stopped paying bills. Our house was falling apart anyways and we couldn't afford to fix the things that we should have been told about before we bought the house in the first place! So, I got some part time temporary jobs, we decided we wanted to live with glassman again (which would give us his income), and we moved to a place with lower rent than our mortgage payments were, drastically cut down our monthly expenses and have been trying to make it work. We are barely making it work. I found an employment field I would love to work in, and seem to be good at, and am hoping to start a career in - but what's the point in starting a career around here if we are considering relocating somewhere completely different.

The type of place we want is a minimum 3 bedroom home with some land for planting vegetables and maybe having some animals (chickens, goats etc) in the future. That's hard to come by in any potentially feasible price range around here. So we have been looking at the interior of BC, or northern Vancouver Island - or really anywhere that will work for us. We are willing to relocate far for the right property and the right house. So what's the point in me starting a career here, signing a contract to stay with the same place (as they pay for industry training so you have to sign a working contract), if we are just leaving. So I'm left in the position of finding a job, any job, that will pay us enough to survive where we are now, and hopefully save up some money to relocate.

Here is where my personal whatevers come into play. I applied for a bunch of jobs last week. One of them at a restaurant. I got an interview, went, and he wanted me to come in for a training shift. The ad was for a cook in the kitchen, the actual job he wanted me for was a busser (so I don't even get a share of the tips). The job paid minimum wage. I agreed to it, because hey, I need a job, but as the day I was scheduled to work got closer I kept having these negative thoughts - which sound so silly. But I feel at 29 years old, with a university degree, tons of experience in a variety of fields, that I should not be working a minimum wage job, a job that is suited for 16 year olds. Yes, I feel better than it. And that's awful. When you have no job, you should be grateful for any job that comes your way. But I couldn't get over it. I want to be doing something meaningful with my life, or at least something I enjoy, or at the very very least something that pays me enough money to make enduring it worthwhile. I don't know how to satisfy at least one of those criteria. But I need a job. And it shouldn't be something on the career side of things because we do want to relocate. Nor should it be something I greatly enjoy because that will make leaving it harder. Finally, I don't think I am going to find anything that pays me what I think I should be making (which honestly, isn't much, a couple bucks over minimum wage would be awesome). I got a phone call from Tim Hortons; I think I'll call them back and set up an interview. I like coffee and donuts, and customer service so maybe that'll work. And besides, maybe I could transfer locations when we do eventually find a house so I'd be going wherever we go with a job.

Sigh, when did being a damn adult become so complicated. Just for one month i would love to not stress over how we are paying the bills, or be able to take my kids fun places without worrying about money. I know there are a lot of people in the same boat, so I am not alone, but company doesn't make the journey any easier.

Downstairs Neighbour

The place we live in now technically has a partially above ground basement suite downstairs. When we looked at the place the landlord told us that he kept it empty and planned to use it for him and his son to come and and stay in the country during the summer. Well, that never happened, and about a month in to living there he told us he was looking for someone to rent the suite.

Fast forward 1.5 months and it seems he has found someone. They are a young couple with a 15month old. I don't know what would possess them to agree to live below a family with 5 kids all 8 or under. But they are strongly thinking about it apparently.

I don't want to live above someone. I really really don't. I don't want the anxiety of my kids running around upstairs, or playing outside. I want to be able to have conversations with craftymama and glassman without wondering or knowing (depending on location) that the people below us can hear every single word clearly. I don't want to have to worry all the freaking time, and I will. It will make me an angry person.

Here's the dilemma - it's September 27th. Craftymama and Glassman want to have a place lined up before we give notice, so obviously we will not giving notice in 3 days, so we will not be moving for November 1st. Craftymama will not move for December or January 1st, which means not moving until February 1st at the earliest. That's 4 months of potentially living above someone. 4 months of constantly worried about how loud we are being for our downstairs neighbours.

Now, Craftymama and Glassman argue that because they have agreed to live below a family with 5 kids, that they know what they are getting into in terms of noise. While I agree with that, to some extent, you still have to be considerate of your neighbours when you have them so close. Which means if they need you to be quiet because their baby is sleeping, then you need to try to be quiet. If they can hear every running step the kids take at early hours of the morning, then we have to remind the kids to use gentle feet constantly. I don't want that. I don't want the stress of trying to get the kids to essentially stop being kids because we have people right below us.

Yet, this is where we find ourselves now. Who knows, maybe they won't take the place. That's what I'm hoping for at this point. 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I think I've used that title before. It seems over the last however many years that I have been keeping this blog that things are constantly changing for my family.

There are no big changes in the immediate future - but there are changes in the future. The problem is - we don't know what they are. We all feel like we are at some sort of cross roads or something in life and we need to figure out where it is exactly we want to be. Craftymama really wants to have some land where she can grow as much of our own food as is possible. Glassman doesn't want to have to work so much or commute quite as far to work. They both want a slower paced kind of life. Glassman wants a puppy, a german shepherd puppy. Craftymama wants chickens. Past those, and a few other specific things, there are no firm desires.

As for me...well...that's another problem in and of itself. I have no idea at all what I want. A part of me honestly wants to live in the city, work a normal 9-5, come home and zone out in front of the TV and not have to work about the chemicals and shit my family ingests. But I know that's not realistic. Another part of thinks it would be neat to live in the middle of nowhere, but I really have no desire to garden or harvest or any of that shit. I think the majority of the last 4 years, for me, has been merely trying to sustain myself with my mental health, that I haven't really given the whole "what do I want to do with my life" question a whole lot of effort. I never anticipated having a future, so I never planned for one. I don't know where to start. I'm don't like trying new things because I feel like I am too old. I don't like doing things Craftymama does because I have sucking at it in comparison to her. I don't have any interests or hobbies, or really anything. It's like trying to find yourself as a teenager all over again, but at the same time you have kids of your own and adult responsibilities to take into consideration. I don't know how to manage it all. I feel trapped.

LittleR and one of her best friends in her class had to be separated because they would only play with each other and were mean to the other kids. The teacher thinks it's nerves of being in a new class/grade. BigR hates homeschooling, but really only because he doesn't want to do any type of schooling and is bored without his siblings. I think he'll come around, and I honestly think it'll be better for him. J WILL NOT SLEEP! I feel so bad for Craftymama because she is the only one who *can* get him to sleep, but he refuses to so there is a lot of tears and unhappiness - on both their parts I think.  I don't get it, if he is so exhausted (which he is), then why not sleep?!?!

I went away for 4 days for work up island, and man I missed my family. It was so weird being away from them. I worked at night and slept for the morning (usually had a nap in the late afternoon), so my whole schedule was thrown off. I watched some episodes about The Duggars, and am inspired by how they do things, and I so wish we could do things like that. They make having so many kids look easy! I also was reminded of how much I hate commercials. Especially the same ones over and over and over again. It was good to come home, though I had to wake Craftymama up when I arrived at 3:00a because I was locked out, and snuggle up to her and then have BigR come and wake me up the next morning and give me a giant hug. The hugs I got from the kids when I did pick up and school that day were huge. I missed them all.

It's been forever!

Yes, it's been forever since I updated this blog. And I am sure no one is reading. But what I am sure of is that in however many years I will look back on these little tidbits of my life and smile, cry, and do all those things crazy mothers do when they look back into their pasts.

So we've moved. Do I like the new place? IDK. I like not being stressed that it's falling apart, like the last house, but it certainly does not feel like home. Not even in the slightest. The layout is weird, the landlord is weird, and, well, it's just not comfortable. Maybe it will be one day. Who knows how long we will be here, in the middle of no where, with no street lights in sight.

It's also time to be an adult and deal with the old house. We have someone who may be interested in doing a mortgage takeover; which would be handy. But there are so many things that need to be done, and deadlines from people that need to be met. When I think about the old house, and everything it has cost us: financially, emotionally, mentally - I wonder why any one ever buys houses in the first place. I don't want to ever do it again. I don't want to risk feeling the way I do now ever again.

Living with glassman has been an easy transition. I mean, I knew it would be. I've known the man for 24 years now, so it feels weird NOT living with him.

The Kids...

BigR started homeschooling today. He was excited about it over the summer, but seeing his friends at school (while dropping off the other kids) has made him have all the feelings an 8 year old can muster about this kind of situation. I think he will like the alone time with craftymama though, he has always thrived with one on one time, especially with her - a mama's boy at heart. He is really into pirates, and sword fighting. He and glassman often go outside in the evenings after the other kids are in bed and sword fight with glassman's martial arts sticks. They are really bonding - which is wonderful to see. He is a pretty moody 8 year old, which is normal I hear. He has found his voice, and uses it to talk back or argue - which is weird for me, because he has always been the soft spoken gentle one. He is still very precise and likes things a particular way, so I know now to touch his things - ever. His smile is infectious, and his eyes betray a wisdom far beyond his eight years. He can spend hours creating or listening to stories, and still holds childhood magic in his heart.

K is as social as social can be. She loves people. Let me elaborate...she loves adults. She would spend all of her time sitting with and listening into the conversations of any adult. She has no problems talking to them, no shyness, and no problems asking them embarrassing or personal questions. Her confidence in that regard is astounding. She has started grade 1 and loves it. She tells all of us, every day, about every little thing she has done that day - even going so far as to act out the actions of the story she heard, or display for us the movements she did in the gym. It can get exhausting to listen to, but I know she is just very excited and wants us to share in that excitement with her. She longs to know all the things that BigR already has learned, and loves nothing more than to mother J. She is already planning her wedding. She turns 7 this Wednesday. That's insane to me - that I've been doing this mothering thing for seven years already. She loves to help out around the house, including all chores. I have to be careful not to abuse that.

M  has grown so much over the summer - it's crazy! His coordination is leaps and bounds ahead of where it was before. He still expresses all his negative feelings in the form of anger, which can get exhausting, and demands physical exertion to keep him happy. He is a rough and tumble boy. He is still noise with dirt on it. But man oh man, can he be the sweetest thing in the world. Not too long ago he started to say "I love you" back to me when I would say it to him (so long as no one was around to hear it that is), and I tell you my heart damn near broke the first few times he said it. M doesn't let love or affection come out often, but when it does, I just melt. He is definitely going through the 6 year change. He has been saying things like, "it's not your life, it's mine" and "it can't help, it's just a blanket" (in reference to his blankie which has been a cherished, obsessed over object since birth for him). His dimples just seem to get deeper the older he gets, and I hope he never loses them. They can convey both trouble and joy. His anger can make him a challenge to parent at times, but at the end of the day when he snuggles up with his blankie, plants a big kiss on your cheek while giving you a squeeze hug - well, it just makes all the rage that day worthwhile.

LittleR is still weird and crazy and off. Whenever she sees a chicken she calls it a dinosaur. She, like most 5 year olds, goes immediately to cranky when things don't go her way. She has weird quirks - like her complete dislike of all muffins and raisins. She is still very much a mii mii's girl, and would stay on my lap all day if I would let her. She has a couple of best friends in school, who she absolutely adores, and which I think is so so cute. I often find myself wondering if this will turn into a friendship that lasts years and years; but I guess that depends on how long we are staying at the school. She is loud, and intense, and can stomp around the house like no body's business. There are times when I can't handle her screaming, and times when I have an endless amount of patience for her. She still screams, all the time, about everything. It's getting old. She always seems to be watching me though, and if I have even the tiniest bit of a cranky look on my face, she points it out and asks why. I have to be careful around her.

J. Little baby J. He is nearly 10 months old, and is cruising around furniture, getting into everything he can get into. The boy loves him some bananas, and green vegetables, and he is starting to get a taste for starchy and bready things. He is also a mama's boy, but I think that's normal for this age. He still sleeps in the bed with us, pressed up against craftymama or at least facing her. He hates to getting wrapped, but loves being up in a wrap. I really want to wrap him more. I keep saying and thinking that but I actually need to do something about that feeling. He has absolutely no fear of the water, which I love. He loves to get wet. A lot of people say he looks like Teo. He is obsessed with cars, and has been for months, which I think is quite young to have such a defined preference for toys - but here we are. He has been a wonderful addition to our family.

So yeah, that's pretty much us. I am going to try to post more often. I'll regret it if I don't.

Failure

So we are moving - this Saturday as a matter of fact. We met with a bankruptcy trustee, a realtor, and have been talking lots about what to do. What it comes down to is the fact that the house is eating us alive, even if I was working full time with a decent hourly wage - it's still not enough to cover the basic necessities of living there. We simply can't afford it. So we had a realtor out to do a walk through and give us an estimate, and after his fees and taxes we would still owe over $100,000 on the house, and the banks won't let us walk away with that high of a debt still owing on it. So really, what other option do we have other than to foreclose on the house, declare bankruptcy, and start again. I will admit that I feel pretty much like the ultimate failure at life here. it was my job to support the family, and not only did I lose my job back in February, but even if I was working, I still didn't make enough for us to survive there. Buying that house was the single biggest adult mistake we have made.

So we will have some credit ladder climbing to do. This will kill our credit (and our cosigners, who knows about this, and who is being so amazingly awesome that it nearly brings me to tears), and we will be fighting to get it back, and regain some sense of normalcy again. This is a chance to start over, start fresh, and get it right. We can come back from this.

The place we are moving into is a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom place on a huge piece of land. It needs some serious cleaning and fixing up, but we are okay with that. It's the same distance from the school, just in the other direction.

Speaking of school, R will be homeschooled next year, and we are going to see how grade 1 is for K. If it's awful we are going to pull all the kids out the following year. We don't want to keep trying and experimenting on the kids to see if it's going to work. That being said, I don't know that I am sold on homeschooling them all, but thankfully, we don't have to make that decision right now. That's a future problem - potentially.

Glassman has been coming out to our house more, and is helping us move and lay down new floor in the place and what not. It's weirdly comfortable having him around, and having three adults there is certainly nice. I do miss living with him, he was a permanent fixture in my life for so long that it's still weird that I don't see him every day.

Veganism goes all right. In fact, it's completely fine at home - it's when we see family. Others seem to think it is all right to undermine our food decisions, and critique them in front of the kids. What they don't realize is the kids complain about the food around them because they get a reaction. None of them actually really mind - especially K. They are enjoying trying new foods and new things. It's only when you point out what they are "missing out on" that they put of this fuss, and you can tell it's an act. It would just be really nice not to be belittled in front of the kids for our parenting choices. If you have a real issue with something we have decided to do, I would much rather be approached or called when the kids aren't around.

I am on the job hunt, and am finding that I am angry and upset at what  happened with my last job. I'm having a really hard time letting it go and I know I have to.

Those are the biggest updates that I can think of...

Family Feud

My mom and I aren't talking, well that's not completely true, she isn't talking to me. She had said that craftymama isn't really having to deal with my depression; and I took offense to that for oh so many many reasons. I told my mom, respectfully, that I was hurt, and then she didn't speak to me. I wished her a happy Mother's Day, and when she didn't respond I asked what was up and she told me that she isn't talking to me because all she does is offend me. *sigh* I don't get it. I'm tired of fighting with her. All I want is to have a good relationship with her, she is my mom, I love her. I hate being at odds with her. I'm over it. I have so much going on in my life right now between my health issues (both mental and physical), my house, the kids, finances, etc etc that I don't need something else. I would love to have the type of relationship where I could talk to her about some of this stuff, instead I just feel like my family is an island - and maybe at first we didn't help matters in that regard, but family is always supposed to be there, especially moms.

On the plus side me and my sister E are talking again, and things seem to be going well. I'm appreciative of that. I just need her and craftymama to at least find some mutual respect for each other, but I can't make them. 

And the beat goes on

So what's new in our little family? Ha Ha Ha little. Craftymama is going wrap crazy and wants to buy all the wraps. When she was with cableman, she was pretty much allowed to buy any wrap she fancied - now not so much. She just got one like 2 weeks ago and is already lusting after at least two more. I have a wrap for J, but I am also lusting after this rainbow wrap I saw before he was born but that wasn't released yet. It's now released and available nearly everywhere. I want it so bad. Craftymama said I'm allowed to get it if I wear J 20 out of 30 days. Wrapping and I are having a hard go of things. He is too big for me to wear comfortably on my front, and I just can't seem to get back wrapping down without major help. It's so infuriating. I hate having to learn things I already learned once before. But I so want this wrap, and I really do enjoy wearing him. I sing to him while we walk the dog, and craftymama helps me get him nice and high so I can see him just by turning my head. It's nice spending that one on one time with him.

I subbed in K's class yesterday as one of her teachers was away. I had oh so much fun. Everyone, and I mean everyone, tells me that teaching grades would be so much better for me, and that I'm more suited to it, but there is something about ECE, it just...oh it's just so special. I'm trying to go to the west coast institute for waldorf teacher training. It starts this July. The unfortunate thing is that student loans won't pay for it, and ha ha ha to me affording it. So I have asked for a sponsor, and am hoping for a positive response.

At this point in time I have no skills, and no usable education. I would be starting from scratch again. Supporting 5 kids and a partner with an entry level job is near impossible. I feel so useless, and frustrated.

I went into my old work the other day to pick up some forms that I needed for the government, they knew I was coming, and not one person came to say hi to me. Not one person talked to me. I just was given my papers and left. I gave my life to these people. I helped the company grow into what it is now. It hurt so badly. I know it's just business - and I know I have to shrug it off because in the grand scheme of life it doesn't really matter. I guess I just thought I meant more as a person, but I guess all I was was an employee, and now I'm no longer that. I have to move on. I am grateful for everything I learned about herbs, business, finances, and myself while I was there. Working there changed who I am, I wish them nothing but success.

There is a string of violence going around our house. The kids have taken on a mean streak and are hitting, punching, pushing, and kicking each other. I just can't stand it. I find I have less patience then I normally do lately, which I hate, but really, the violence needs to stop. I don't know what to do. Craftymama and I need to have a pow wow and get some parenting strategies for how to handle this.

The changes in our eating go all right. I hate many of the common vegetarian alternatives: beans, onions, mushrooms - so I'm probably having the biggest challenge. Craftymama and I differ on our beliefs. I believe humans were meant to eat meat occasionally - but produced ethically, and treated ethically while I live. The animals deserve respect, and that's what the mainstream industry doesn't give them. So I miss meat. I don't need or want it at every meal, but every once and a while it would be nice. I don't miss cows milk - I haven't liked drinking that stuff since I had K. We shall see what my family's food reality looks like in a few months when things get into more of a routine and we all find our balance.

We are talking about what our next house is going to be. Craftymama really wants to build it, and she has found this environmental way of building really heat effective houses our of straw bales. It would be interesting to build our own house. I'm not vehemently opposed to the idea. Of course, the first thing we have to do is figure out what we are doing with our current disaster of a house....

That's pretty much it for now. We aren't very exciting...

Moving Forward

Craftymama and I are on our way to making changes in our family. We are moving to a more vegan-esque style of eating, much to the boys' dismay I'd imagine. She has planted things. She makes our own bread and rice milk - I just need to get used to it in my morning coffee. I depend on my morning coffee greatly.

I'm going to start running again, I did it once a couple of weeks ago, and it was hard - but it felt good. I need to shed this extra weight. I feel capable of making changes on a personal level so I need to act on that while it is is still here because I don't know how long it's going to last for this time around.

J is nearly mobile now, he pushes himself around on his belly when he is on the floor - though he spends most of the time in one of our arms. LittleR has entered a very attitudey place and I don't like it one little bit. She has always had the ability to press my buttons in a way none of the other kids can, and she is doing that. BigR is enjoying Spring Break away from school. He knows he is going to be homeschooled next year.

We were looking into the 4H program for him as an activity to do, and it is right up his alley. There isn't a program for his age group running in the cowichan area though, so we would have to start one. That's something I am considering. I have to stop assuming all group programs are going to be like the one I was in, because they won't be. I need to give it a chance.

We went to Victoria the other day for a day trip and had so much fun. We went to this neighbourhood called Fairfield, and it was so adorable and cute, and I would move there in a flash - even though I despise Victoria. I am still hoping we get to Salt Spring Island next week, craftymama has never been, and I'd love to take her and the kids.

Still trying to figure out what to do about the house, but decisions are coming. Sooner rather than later. Also trying to figure out what to do for work. We have some ideas, and if we could turn those ideas into actual money making things then we would be set. But, who says you have to work a 9-5 Monday to Friday job. We have done nothing else the normal way in our lives, why start now?

Happy Happy

I went to see my psychiatrist today, and having had such good results with the ECT already we decided on a tapering off and maintenance schedule. I will taper off down to once a month, and then go once a month until September, then we will see if the meds hold me. This excites me, and scares me. ECT is working, and I don't want to mess with that, but I don't want to fry my brain either. I have forgotten things, but thankfully Craftymama has been there to help me. I don't know what I would do without her. I have never had someone who gets me like she does in every sense of the word. I'm gonna hold on to her :)

We need to figure the mortgage stuff out, as well as figure out whether or not I am able to go to school to do my waldorf teacher training. It's not that I want to go back to work, I could very easily get used to not working and getting to be with everyone all the time, it's that I should go back to work. I am not trained or skilled in anything anymore. I could go back to my old job, but I don't honestly think they want me back. My degree, now 7 years old, is essentially useless, so I need to do something else. Being a teacher has always called to me in some way, and I would love the opportunity to teach in a Waldorf environment, it's suited to me I think.

Craftymama is busy planting a whole array of garden stuff, much to my chagrin. I mean, I want to grow our own stuff, and we have signed up for a local CSA, but I don't want to get anything established in the house we are at, because I don't want to be there for much longer. I want to find a way to get out of the house, into a place we love. The idea of communal living with another family really appeals to me, and there is a family I would definitely do that with, but how to approach that with them. That's where I see my family - living communally with this other family (who I won't name yet), and growing a lot of our own stuff. I'd teach, the male of that family runs a carpentry thing I think, and that's how we'd get by. I have visions, I have dreams, and the better and happier I feel the more I really want to make them a reality. It can happen. I know it can. 

We Move On

Changes are coming all around to me and my family. Craftymama and I watched a movie about food that is completely changing the way we eat for the better. We are going to be making decisions soon on what to do about the housing situation we are currently in. I am going to try to go to the West Coast Institute for Waldorf Teacher Training. My ECT continues on, and things are improving, though the memory stuff is getting a bit harder. I woke up from my last session on Thursday and couldn't remember where I was or who was picking me up,.

I have picked up my knitting again, and I am toying with the idea of starting to run again. The surprising thing is neither of these thoughts overwhelm me. My thoughts aren't as negative and overbearing as they once were - it's a nice change.

BigR will be homeschooled next year, we need to order the materials, that's a firm decision. We have decided to stay in the area so the other kids can continue going to this school for as long as it's a good fit for them.

My sister, E, checks in on me after every ECT session, just to see how I am. It feels genuine, which is nice. This, in contrast, to my mother, who seems skeptical and not supportive of my decision to undergo shock therapy. I  know she is worried about me, but I just wish she could find a way to be supportive of my decisions - any of my decisions, ever.

J is getting so big. He is 4months old now, and is such a big baby. He is heavy to carry around, and with my muscle weakness from the ECT, I feel awful that I can't hold him for long periods of time. I wish I wrapped him more, I have a gorgeous Indio wrap that is just dying to hold a baby. I really really want a rainbow wrap, but I can't justify getting one when I hardly wear him with the one I have. I will regret this when he is older I know.

Hope

I had my second ECT treatment on Thursday. It went much better. I wasn't sobbing or hysterical. I was calm and collected. I asked questions this time: like about whether or not you need training to actually do ECT (no, it isn't mandatory, by the Dr. doing mine is certified). I was coherent enough right when I woke up to be able to tell them, when they asked me, what meds I was on and what dosages I was taking. It was weird to not be so confused. The headache started nearly instantly, and the body aches never completely went away from the first time - but I am kind of used to them now and don't really notice them unless I pick up the kids, or carry heavy things. The amazing thing was on my drive home the next day I starting crying. For the first time in an insanely long amount of time I felt happy. Like truly happy. It was overwhelming. The feeling lasted for about 6 hours, and then I returned to my usual state - but it gives me hope. I haven't had a lot of hope lately.

I've been thinking about my old job. I've been wondering if they actually want me back or if this medical issue of mine was just a convenient excuse for them to fire me without having to feel too guilty about it. I am still incredibly...hurt? I don't know at no longer being there. I honestly felt like it was my baby too. If it ever gets to where we intended it to be, it's going to be hard for me not to be involved. I don't know that I'll go back. It won't be the same. I will always feel looked at. I doubt they will ever give me any major responsibility because they will be afraid it will overwhelm me. I don't want to be treated with kid gloves. I will miss them. They were truly like a family to me.

It's time now to start thinking about what I and we are going to do next. Where do we want to live? How do we want our lives to look? We both know that living the 'typical' 'expected' 'normal' lifestyle didn't really make either of us happy. We want to get back to the basics. We don't really know what that looks like. We are currently trapped in this house, and stuck waiting to see if I've been approved for both the capitalization program through our mortgage company and for disability benefits. We are in limbo and it's very difficult to make plans.

Several people have again thrown the idea of being a waldorf teacher at me. I am considering it. But there still is the issue of paying for tuition and books and what not. I can't take out student loans for it. I need to figure something out, and soon.

First ECT Treatment

I had my first ECT treatment yesterday. I was beyond scared. I was sobbing like a baby, and I still couldn't catch my breath by the time they put the oxygen mask on me and put me under.

My anesthesiologist was the roughest man in the world. I think he blew the vein in my hand. The psychiatrist was supremely nice and did her best to calm me down while they were prepping me by talking to me about Jamaica.

I woke up and was completely confused. The only thing I could focus on is the fact that I didn't know who was picking me up and where I was going. They told me it was Craftymama's dad. Eventually I was ready to go, and I do not remember the drive back to his house at all. I remember he made me a salad and it hurt to touch my teeth together to chew. He asked me about our van fiasco from earlier in the week and I couldn't remember it happening at all for a bit. Him and his wife offered to drive me home, and I accepted. Going to sleep in my own bed sounded nice.

Today I am sore from head to foot. My bones and my muscles ache tremendously, and my headache has been growing in intensity all day. It also is difficult to swallow, which I will bring up with them on Thursday before my next session, I don't think that's usual.

I go back Thursday afternoon for my next treatment, and every Monday and Thursday after that for 5 weeks total. Obviously, after the first one there isn't any emotional change. Craftymama's dad will be my ride and my housing during treatments as I can't drive myself home until the day after I have them. They are good people. They called me family, and told me to stop thanking them for helping me.

I am hoping on Thursday that I am not nearly as scared and nervous as I was yesterday. I am hoping I see some good out of shocking my brain. Hope is something that I haven't had for quite some time.

And If You Close Your Eyes...

Sometimes the best intentions are simply not enough. For my mental health issues I have tried 17 different medications, and 4 different forms of therapy. I have tried. I have cried. I have given up only to pull myself back together and try again. This time, I'm trying Electro Convulsive Therapy - ECT. This decision has not come lightly or easily, it is not made without fear. It is made with some hope though. Hope that my brain will get a bit of a restart so that this next form of therapy I am going to be trying will have a better shot at working. In order to get the ECT I had to get a second opinion from another psychiatrist. You need two yes's before you're allowed to undergo treatment. In that appointment, I was reminded that when I was diagnosed bipolar, I was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It's not that I had forgotten, it's that I had been dealing with the extremes of bipolar that the thought that the borderline could be affecting things never entered my mind. But it explains why the medications never completely helped me. This revelation has crushed another part of me. But, my original statement - good intentions not being enough - I told someone that I was trying to get ECT, someone close and who loves me a great deal, and who matters to me a great deal, and instead of support or encouragement I was shot with all the negative effects of ECT, how dangerous it was. After confronting said person about how unhelpful that was, I was merely told that she "hoped it worked out for me" and that I "get what I want". So passive aggressive. So annoying. So not helpful.

The kids are doing well. It has pretty much been decided that we will be homeschooling R next year. K will most likely be attending grade 1 at the school, and the little kids will continue on on their ECE journey. This decision was actually one of the easiest ones that needs to be made.

The pressing ones include the mortgage payments, the bills, where I'm working and how, when EI and disability will kick in, what we want our lives to look like. It's the huge stuff that's up in the air right now. We are deciding what our lives will be, what our goals and dreams are and how to best go about attaining them. This is not an easy thing.

J is 4 months old today. He is 16lbs 14oz and is 26.75" long. He rolls over both ways and has two teeth - he is already eager to get big - much to craftymama's chagrin. BigR is mopey, miserable and sad as a result of his current schooling experience. He has yet another new teacher. K is *still* 6-year-changing it up and is full of attitude and entitlement, it exasperates me every single day. M, well, M is so hard. All of his emotions are expressed as anger, but at his core he is so sweet. He is so affected by media and video games (which cableman allows them to utilize), as well as his bloog sugar level. Though we often joke that BigR needs routine and schedule because he is the most sensitive - M is really the kid that needs the most structure. Without it, he loses his place both within himself and the world. LittleR is still weird. She tells us she has an ocean unicorn in her room named Giraffey who cries chocolate tears. That pretty much sums her up. Craftymama and I are surviving. We are forging a path to happiness, and doing so takes its toll on us as individuals and as a couple. But, we will survive this.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

We are all human. We all have flaws. I have many.

Last entry I was talking about needing to find a new career path, a new calling. My hand has been forced. I wish not to get into the details, those are for other spaces of mine. But, we all know I am bipolar, and we all know I struggle. I have been struggling, and it caught up with me - in a major way. I had a meeting on Wednesday, and at that meeting it was strongly encouraged that I take a medical leave "until i get my shit together." I am without work. I am without a job. I am without a way to support my family.

The shock of this has not worn off in the last 3 days. Yesterday I picked up my box of belongings that had accumulated. 4 years - one box. As I said last entry, I have been with that company since before it was born, it has been built partially on my back and because of my hard work. We are just about to enter into a huge growth spurt - we have signed cheques from investors in both Canada and the United States. We are starting our build-out to comply with Canadian Regulations. This is what we have been working for for 4 years - and I am no longer a part of it. I am welcomed to come back when my shit is together, they want me to come back. But it's not the same, it will never be same.

I have no idea what we are going to do, or how we are going to survive this. I have applied for the benefits I am entitled to, but, I don't know.

I have failed in my role in the family. I have failed myself. I have let people down. This is a rough spot for our family. Things need to be revisited, plans need to be made, and we need to move forward - somehow.

You are never too old, too sick, or too tired to start again from scratch.

What makes you happy?

When I was younger I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. People always told me I'd make a good teacher or lawyer and so for a while, some of the time, I incorporated those ideas into my own being. The only thing I can actually remember wanting to be myself is a farmer - but I think that was partially rebelling against academics.

I went to university, I got a degree. I wanted a major in history but being the responsible one I knew there was no career in that, so I went with criminology. There are lots of jobs with a crim degree. I graduated, doing most of my degree via distance education. Then I got pregnant. 

I had k, things all changed. Both glassman and I agreed that I should stay home to raise out kids, and soon after, I wanted more kids - lots of kids. Things changed again after we had littleR. Soon I found myself in a position where I needed to go back to work. At first it don't matter what I did. It was going to be a part time, supplementing of income thing. I got a job at a coffee shop, I liked it there but the mangers were crap. I got another job at a local head shop and had no qualms quitting the coffee shop. The head shop soon turned into working at a lab, then in marketing, then as senior bookkeeper, and now back down to marketing. My part time job turned into a full time job out of necessity. I now had to work, we depend on me working. 

So here I am, nearly four years after I re entered the work force and I am again asking myself the question of what I want to be; though not when I grow up because I'm already there. I don't have the luxury of being able to hop from job to job, or take the time to figure out what it is that I want to do for the next 35 years. 

I feel trapped. There are aspects of my new job at my work that I unexpectedly enjoy - like designing labels. But there are many things I don't enjoy. Craftymama keeps telling me to find new work, keep trying things until I find something that makes me happy. 

I need to make a certain hourly wage in order to support us. I can't get that just going anywhere. I have no skills. My degree is now essentially just for bragging rights, it serves no good in the employment field. I have nowhere to start. Worse than that - I have no ideas of what it is I want to be doing. Nothing calls to me, nothing seems right. 

I have worked with the company I'm with now since before it was born, as it has grown - so have I. My boss has helped me out of some really tight spots. I feel a loyalty to them and him, but I know loyalty isn't enough. There is also the familiarity. Learning a whole new job in a whole new field with new people is not a walk in the park, the thought of doing that, especially when I have no transferable skills to bring to the table, is scary. 

I don't know what makes me happy. I don't think I ever really have. I've always lived someone else's dreams or done things out of obligation. Now I find myself facing the rest of my life at nearly 29, and I am completely lost and clueless.

There are three holes in my knee

I went in for surgery on Monday. It was supposed to start at 1:30 but didn't get started until 3:30. It was a very long wait in a very boring waiting room by myself and without my phone - oh my reliance on technology. I get into the operating room and the anesthesiologist is an ass. He talks to me but cuts me off before I finish speaking. He jabs the needle in my arm, literally jabs, several times to get an iv in. Finally he gets it - but ftr I have a big blue and yellow bruise now because of his less then gentle approach. Off to sleep I go - it is the coolest feeling ever, I love trying to fight it and being completely unable to.

I wake up and am instantly wide awake - though apparently I was yelling for craftymama when I first started to come out of it. I have no recollection of this. The pain was immediately there. Something that I hadn't felt in my previous two surgeries. After about half an hour I was wheeled to another area where I waited and ten eventually got myself dressed and then wheeled in a wheelchair out to craftymama. They gave me a prescription for tramadol and for physio and pretty much sent me in my way. I don't even really know what kind of surgery they did. At home I did some research on tramadol and found out it's partially contraindicated with a med I'm on and my history. I call the nurse's line who agrees with my assessment, but says take it for the first day and call my doctor the next. I do that am told by the receptionist that my surgeon is tied up all day but she will call me back the next day. Meanwhile it hurts like a son of a, but I am moving around as much as I  able. She calls back the next morning and says to go to the pharmacy and get t3's, I wait a couple of hours and call the pharmacy to see if they have filled the prescription and they haven't even gotten it yet. I call the office back and she's like "oh yeah, I guess you need a prescription for that, well I don't want to bother the dr so just take extra strength Tylenol ever three hours" ugh!

Then I call the physio department at the hospital to schedule some physio and am told that they don't do knees anymore and neither does the duncan hospital - so I have to go to a private clinic - which I can't afford.

This surgery has sucked. It's been 5 days since I had it an it still hurts so bad. It's insane. The incision sights are like searing sharp pain. This sucks so bad!

Surgery and Homeschool

My surgery date was changed to this Monday, at noon. I had work that I really needed to get done, and now I lose that day - it is very frustrating. This will be the 4th time I have been under general anesthesia. The first was for endometriosis, and the second and third were for my knee.

I am more nervous this time then I was any of the other times. Maybe it's because I'm older now, or maybe it's because I know I can't just recover this time, I still have to go to work and parent the kids. Craftymama has asked how dependent on her I will be, and I am hoping not very much. It is my aim to return to work Thursday, I know I will still be on crutches - but we can't really afford for me to take all that time off.

We are considering homeschooling the kids once they get to the grade school. So keeping them in the waldorf program for preschool and kindergarten, and then having them at home. We would combine curriculum's so K and BigR would be doing the same grade, and M and LittleR would also be doing the same grade. It would be nearly impossible for Andrea to teach four separate yet so closely related curriculum's to them. We would probably follow the waldorf style - perhaps the Christopherus Program. We have talked to quite a few parents in the Sunrise grade school who aren't all that impressed with how things are progressing and being structured. we don't want our kids to be the guinea pigs while they try to find something that works. We're not paying for our kids to be the guinea pigs. We have to decide relatively soon though because re-registration is in like 2 months, and if K and BigR are going to start than we won't be registering them, plus we'd also need to order the homeschooling supplies so that we can plan and organize ourselves a bit. It's a big decision, and not one we are taking at all lightly.

Welcome J and Welcome 2014

So 2013 is over. I haven't updated in a long time for a myriad of reasons, none of which I really want to discuss here.

J was born November 10th at 12:50a. He was 10lbs 10oz and 23" long - a big guy! Nothing went as planned from the water birth to the timing of day - but he is here! He is pretty cute - although already bigger than the girls were at 6months old! He has a night schedule already, including waking up nearly every night/morning at 4:30a because he has gas. Craftymama passes him to me and I scrunch up his legs, roll his hips, pat his back to relieve the pressure and then after however long that takes I pass him back to be nursed back to sleep for hopefully a little while longer before the rest of the kids wake up.

Just newly born

J drunk on sleep

This non gestational parent journey of mine is far from over, in fact, contrary to what I thought, it is only just beginning. I have much respect and adoration for all dads and adoptive parents out there. While my perspective is, of course, different than the aforementioned people, we do share some commonalities. It's a hard road, there is much learning to be done, but I am willing and open.

The kids have adjust remarkably well to his arrival. They all want to hold him and be near him, and so far, at 7.5 weeks, have done well with having to wait a little bit longer for things if he is fussing/nursing or whatever.

Christmas was different this year. Finances were tighter for everyone. Glassman and Cableman are both without work right now for very different reasons, and we have been dealing with an angry neighbor who caused us to have to spend significant funds on a tree in our yard, a small flooding of our bathrooms, my one job refusing to give me an ROE so I can't get EI, and a bunch of different things. The kids had a great time and were spoiled - as usual. It was nice to see the family I did get a chance to see, and I miss the ones I didn't.

New Years was quiet - I was sick, and we have a new baby so neither of us really made it until midnight. Though R was asking why we don't have any traditions for the welcoming of the new year, so we may start something next year.

I'm not in school any more :( I was having a hard time with my depression, but was pushing through that and finally making some head way with the help of my professor when I found out my work didn't pay my tuition which means I was withdrawn from the course. So that sucks.

I was also demoted at work after my parental leave. I was told I was pretty much failing at all aspects of my job - so they brought someone over to fill the administrative role and I will go back to focusing on marketing and what not.

I have my knee surgery on January 14th, it'll be my third one. I also got two teeth pulled on December 24th, between those two things and the two successions I got of the flu a mere two weeks a part - I've been hurting lately.

The stress keeps piling on. There are big changes for our family again this year, but I am not at liberty to discuss them yet. Every year is a year of big changes it seems. It seems at 28 (turning 29 this year) I have to accept that I am an adult now, damn aging!, and make adult decisions. These decisions are hard and will affect my family for the rest of our lives. I wish I could see the future sometimes.