Monday, June 28, 2010

We have reached an agreement. It hasn't been tested yet, but its in place.

Sex is a larger issue in a poly relationship. There simply isn't enough time in the day to have all the sex you want or need to have. There are too many feelings that could potentially be negative. Its easier, in theory, to have these things spoken.

Given that our triad sex life is failing, and our couple sex life is failing - we have decided to have a non schedule of sorts. First we thought of the idea of having a schedule, but that had far too many complications, and well, to be honest, I didn't like the idea. If I didnt want sex with Glassman on my scheduled Tuesday night, did I have to wait until next Tuesday?, for example.

So we have a deal. The deal is that each configuration will have sex at least once a week. Everyone knows its coming, everyone can expect it happening - so there are no surprises. No one has to wonder when they are getting sex again with a specific person. The standing rule of the 3rd person can join applies only after the first time that couple has had sex. It cannot be done at an inconvenient time (like close to usual bedtime, or sticking one person with 4 kids while they are being buts).

I am excited, and nervous, and glad that something has been worked out, and is being implemented. I'm also excited for sex - I haven't had nearly enough of it.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Week of Discovery

This has been a week of self discovery for me.

I'm realizing Im a hypocrite sometimes. With our open sharing policy, we are supposed to say what is up. I'm not purposefully not sharing, Im just used to figuring my issue out first and then sharing. This isn't fair to the group. No time was this more cleae to me then after we decided where we are moving to. I was something and quiet and distant all day. I think it was the first time Craftymama has been angry with me: if I'm reading her right. It was hard seeing her angry, and knowing it was directed at me. I have to start sharing even if I haven't figured everything out yet. I'm used to being independent, and just doing things - but that's not as possible in this type of relationship.

I want another baby: I knew this already, but this week made me realize that I'm not having one for a good long time. Further, I don't think I will be the next female to have one - which is fine. But with S's birthday (today actually!), and remembering her labour and birth ( story found here ), I'm really sad at the thought that another pregnancry, birth, and baby aren't in my near future. But, what surprises me is how genuinely excited I am about Craftymama having a baby. I'm stoked about experiencing that side of things, and being there for her, and supporting her, and all those things that come along with it.

Glassman is a lot more intelligent, patient, and communicative than I ever thought. Having Cableman to compare him to makes me realize how much he has grown as a person. I don't feel guilty for my impatience with him in the past, everything is subjective afterall, but I am glad that I am able to appreciate him now. Having actualy life related conversations where he is involved isn't as frustrating as it used to be. Unless its his issue that he is sharing, that is still an issue of frustration with me.

I'm loving the boys more and more as actual kids: especially R. I haven't felt like we had connected on that actual parental/child basis: but the snuggles I have gotten on the couch, and even his demeanour with me is changing recently. I love the relationship we are building!

On a poly related note:
The 3-person triad is currently struggling. We are having some issues, but no one can really pinpoint what they are, so we aren't talking about them. I miss the days where I felt completely comfortable around them. When sitting in bed watching Roseanne was completely relaxing. I need to know where the tension is coming from.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Something Old is Refurbished - Maybe

Craftymama is currently sitting beside me typing out her journal from when she was 13. This is connected to an old relationship coming back into her life. One that she started about 8 years ago, long distance, and that neither party wanted to end. This relationship was the one that got away. He is the one she talks about most, the one she still misses. They recently connected again on facebook and have been talking, I shall refer to him as FirstLove. Why is this important?

He is the one person that intimidates me; because of all the aforementioned things.

I have felt intimidated before - but it was of a different nature. I had penis envy - to be blunt. How can someone, who never thought they could be attracted to a woman sexually, all of a sudden actually want and crave sex with a woman - would I not always be compared to that. How could I provide the same kind of experience as a man who has an appendage specifically created for sex. The answer was I couldnt - and that was okay. Sex with me is different - and I am no longer intimidated by a penis. I've also felt intimidated by Craftymama - as she has brought so much extra to our lives, and has taught us both so much, that I often wondered what I brought to the table - other than the willingness to learn. I have gotten over that as well - as I have realized what I bring.

But this relationship, this connection between Craftymama and FirstLove, scares me. The first person I loved was Glassman. I know what that feeling is like. I know that feeling is one of the reasons I was unable to let go of him, pursued him, and always knew I would be with. I always knew we had a connection, even from the time we were young teens. Craftymama was 15 when she fell in love with FirstLove - same age I was with Glassman. She fell in love with him before she had even thought about - let alone believed in, nonmonagamy. FirstLove knows about our situation and is accepting, they haven't even gotten near the topic of being in a relationship again - but I know she wants it.

I actually quite like that they are reconnecting. It will either give her a chance to have some closure on their relationship - in a non sad way. Or it will allow her to experience happiness with FirstLove and she will feel more complete. Both things overjoy me.

I know its an issue of security for me. I know logically that she now believes in polyamory, loves me completely, loves Glassman, and its completely unreasonable to think she would decide she wants to move to the States (which is where he lives) - yet all of those things have been in my mind.

As a competitive person its hard not to feel some competition with him. He was her first love, I was her first love with a woman. If they do enter into a long distance relationship again part of me wants to meet him or talk to him - so that my mind doesn't villify him, or so that I can see them interact and be assured that way.

My mind works fast - they have only been talking for a matter of days. Who knows where this is all going - if anywhere. But I can't deny that I'm a little surprised at my feelings, and kind just want to deal with them, and get back to my happy and settled life (wait, did I ever have that?)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

All About Sex

Sex is a much bigger topic or issue in a poly relationship. There are more opportunities for hurt feelings, more opportunities for sex, and more people to learn how to please. It's exciting and challenging.

For me, sex is a whole new world. I had had a lot of sex before, numerous partners, and I was skilled in the way of pleasing a man. However, I didn't actually enjoy it. I did it because it's what you do, and I liked making other people feel good.

Before entering into a poly relationship, Craftymama and I had talked about sex a lot. Both in comparing Cableman and Glassman - in a comparing husband's sort of way - this was before we had engaged in sex with each others husbands. And she had expressed great sadness in my lack of enjoyment of it - as she had no issues expressing her love of sex.

Having sex with Craftymama for the first time, and every time after that, completely opened my eyes. Maybe it took a brand new experience, with someone of the same sex, or maybe it was the finally aspect of being with her as I had wanted to for so long, perhaps it was how well she knew me already so she could read my subtle clues - or maybe it was all of the above. But I have never enjoyed sex as much as I do since being with her. Because of her, I'm even enjoying sex with Glassman. It's all even new with him, though I've been with him for years.

I'm learning and accepting that I actually love sex, actually want it, and its okay (good even) to feel pleasure myself. However, I get very focussed. If I am desperately wanting sex with Craftymama, for example, sex with the both of them or just with Glassman won't be as good as I know it can be, until I get my chance with her. It's still good, but it's not what I really want. It's like when you really want cake, but you only have cookies - the cookies are delicious, but it wasn't the delicious chocolatey cake you were really craving. I'm not sure if that trait of mine will ever go away, and I think I'm okay with that.

There are also issues that have come up that none of us has faced before. Just last night Glassman was saying that he is used to being the one to determine when sex is done - he orgasms. He spoke of an instance when he finished but the two of us were still fingering eachother - what is he supposed to do? Obviously, I said, we shouldn't have to stop. But does he leave? Does he watch? Does he just lay back in post sex bliss?

There is also the issue of what happens when one person is doing something to another that they don't like, and the third person knows it. How do they stop it? Should the third person be expected to encourage the "offending" person out of said act, should the one being offended be expected to say something and potentially ruining the mood for everyone? What should be done in those situations? I think, for this one, communication is the key - so we can avoid them all together. But there is communicating, and then actually applying that communication to sex. I can't count the number of times I've expressed things I don't like, and it still keeps happening - it's like during sex, simple things are forgotten. How do we help eachother have the most enjoyable experience possible?

The last issue on my mind is one of orgasms - male one's to be percise. Do they have to happen in order for a man to enjoy the experience? Is it just that men learn that that's what has to happen? I know, for myself, that I don't need to (and I very infrequently do) orgasm during most sex, but I still enjoy it; it still feels good. Can the same apply for a man? I'm not a man so I don't know the answers to these questions - perhaps some googling is in order.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Looking Back

Sometimes I think we rushed into this a little bit too fast.

At the time the decision to have Craftymama live with us, and to move, and to combine families seemed like the only decision that could be made. I do believe that given the information we had at that time it was the only decision, but looking back now (hindsight is 20/20 afterall), I'm wondering if maybe it all happened too fast.

Now with the idea/option of moving again, I think we are rushing into another decision, only this time - we have more information.

We aren't ready to live with Cableman, and frankly, he isn't ready to live with us. We can't move to a place that the 3 of us can't afford without Cableman only to have it be decided that we can no longer afford to live there when it doesn't work out.

Cableman is at a completely different place mentally than the rest of us. He processes things differently, is never sure of things, and is used to the life he leads. He is used to having things be worked out for him, to not have to be an adult, to being able to go out with his friends whenever he wants, spend as much money as he wants.

He is going to be required to be much more of an adult. He has to communicate with us. We can't always be having the same conversations. I refuse to take care of him like another child, and I further refuse to let him spend money left,right, and center just because he wants something.

He isn't ready for us, and we aren't ready for him.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


So we need to move - or we are going to move.

We want to try to live with Cabeleman. The boys need to be close to their dad. I do like Cableman, Im worried for him, and worried about what his presence will do to our existing relationships. What will happen to the 11:00p baking, sex, and then eating the baking while we watch Roseanne?

I will miss getting to sleep next to Craftymama, or at least seeing her in the middle of the night, or knowing she is in the same bed with me - even if there is a person in between us. Given that we are going to get a 4-bedroom, we are going to do a sleep schedule, so it will be hard for me to give up that aspect of our relationship.

I'm looking forward to having the extra set of parental hands on a more constant basis. I think it will make life a little less chaotic. I'm looking forward to seeing where my relationship with Cableman will go.

I'm nervous that he is not as okay as he says he is with Craftymama being in other relationships. I'm nervous about how he'll feel the first time he hears Craftymama and Glassman have sex. I dislike how it seems most of his happiness for my and Craftymama's relationship seems to be based in the sexual imagery of two women together. But I have to trust him, and we owe it to everyone to give it a try.

I think this is the first time in all of the changes that my family has undergone in the last 7 months that I fear I am messing my kids up. I know Craftymama has been worried about that all along, and bringing her nuclear family back together will help alleviate those worries of hers. Its a shame that in alleviating hers, I am increasing mine.