Craftymama is currently sitting beside me typing out her journal from when she was 13. This is connected to an old relationship coming back into her life. One that she started about 8 years ago, long distance, and that neither party wanted to end. This relationship was the one that got away. He is the one she talks about most, the one she still misses. They recently connected again on facebook and have been talking, I shall refer to him as FirstLove. Why is this important?
He is the one person that intimidates me; because of all the aforementioned things.
I have felt intimidated before - but it was of a different nature. I had penis envy - to be blunt. How can someone, who never thought they could be attracted to a woman sexually, all of a sudden actually want and crave sex with a woman - would I not always be compared to that. How could I provide the same kind of experience as a man who has an appendage specifically created for sex. The answer was I couldnt - and that was okay. Sex with me is different - and I am no longer intimidated by a penis. I've also felt intimidated by Craftymama - as she has brought so much extra to our lives, and has taught us both so much, that I often wondered what I brought to the table - other than the willingness to learn. I have gotten over that as well - as I have realized what I bring.
But this relationship, this connection between Craftymama and FirstLove, scares me. The first person I loved was Glassman. I know what that feeling is like. I know that feeling is one of the reasons I was unable to let go of him, pursued him, and always knew I would be with. I always knew we had a connection, even from the time we were young teens. Craftymama was 15 when she fell in love with FirstLove - same age I was with Glassman. She fell in love with him before she had even thought about - let alone believed in, nonmonagamy. FirstLove knows about our situation and is accepting, they haven't even gotten near the topic of being in a relationship again - but I know she wants it.
I actually quite like that they are reconnecting. It will either give her a chance to have some closure on their relationship - in a non sad way. Or it will allow her to experience happiness with FirstLove and she will feel more complete. Both things overjoy me.
I know its an issue of security for me. I know logically that she now believes in polyamory, loves me completely, loves Glassman, and its completely unreasonable to think she would decide she wants to move to the States (which is where he lives) - yet all of those things have been in my mind.
As a competitive person its hard not to feel some competition with him. He was her first love, I was her first love with a woman. If they do enter into a long distance relationship again part of me wants to meet him or talk to him - so that my mind doesn't villify him, or so that I can see them interact and be assured that way.
My mind works fast - they have only been talking for a matter of days. Who knows where this is all going - if anywhere. But I can't deny that I'm a little surprised at my feelings, and kind just want to deal with them, and get back to my happy and settled life (wait, did I ever have that?)
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