Tuesday, November 18, 2014

So We Moved and Stuff

Today is Tuesday, we moved on Saturday to Springfield Farm. It's a gorgeous piece of property on 115 acres, lakefront on the property, and it's an old house. Craftymama and I have been commenting that maybe we just belong in old houses, we always feel more at home in them. To be honest, this feels more like home already than any house has since the green house all those years ago. Now here's hoping we can stay here for awhile - the owner lives partially on the property (in a yurt) and partially up island where the rest of his family currently lives. His place up island is only leased for 6 months, so we only have this place for a guaranteed 6 months. We are hoping it's much longer than that. Craftymama is already talking about livestock that she wants (chickens, goats, ducks...) and there are already llamas and sheep on the property. There is another family on the property with kids who homeschool so it's quite a good fit. Already the kids are all playing together, and going on adventures. They have now been told, after BigR went missing for a couple of hours, that when they go on adventures they need to tell someone. 115 acres is a big piece of land that will be easy for them to get lost in. It's a very cool place to grow up.

I started a new job yesterday. I am an office assistant for Country Chic Paint. It's a very different job from my transfer service, medicinal cannabis and coffee shop background. I've done office work before at Salvation Botanicals, so the work itself isn't hard or new, it's just learning a new company and new styles of doing things. It's weird - already. I miss being at home, miss doing the school stuff. I get home around 5:00p, and half the kids are in bed by 6:30p. I hardly see them. It will be great, financially speaking, for me to be working full time again, especially at the decent wage I am starting at. Granted, some of the money will be going towards the upcoming bankruptcy, but it needs to happen.

I'm really wanting to take a Vipassana Meditation Course. I had signed up for one in January - but I needed my dr. to sign off on me going, and I knew he wouldn't so I didn't even ask. I wish to explore that side of my spirituality.

J has not been put down in 4 days now. He was up with craftymama all during the move, and just hasn't gone down yet. I know I know what that's like as that's very similar to how LittleR was when she was a baby. I know it's exhausting, and I wish there was something I could do. I don't really think there is though, I think it's just something he has to go through, and then it will pass, and then she will miss it. Parents are crazy like that.

SisterE and I are talking again, which is wonderful. I don't want to be estranged from my family. I have tried texting my mom but to no avail. I think I just need to give her more time, or something. She can't ignore me forever. Craftymama's dad and I, on the other hand, have been getting closer. I stay with him when I have to spend the night in Nanaimo, and he is always willing to help by picking me up and dropping me off at appointments. He has always been understanding of what's going on with me and never once judged me or made me feel like less of a person. It feels weird being close to someone else's parent in that way - where you depend on them, and grow to trust them. Apparently, he thinks of me like another daughter, which is nice to hear. He has become a valuable and much loved member of my family. He even helped us get this house! I honestly don't know what I'd do without him sometimes. Craftymama takes after him in a lot of ways, it's one of the reasons she is so awesome I'm sure.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Jove's Birthday! and Update

Jove in his birthday crown

J is one today. He has been with our family for a whole year now. It seems insane. I keep thinking about where our family was last year at this time, and how things were, and it's so difference. My what a difference a year makes!

J is almost walking, he can do it, I just don't think it's fast enough for him - when he wants to be somewhere else, he wants to be there now. He loves beans and chick peas, which is why we had chilli for dinner. Thankfully, he also absolutely adores muffins, which is what we traditionally have on first birthdays. Craftymama's parents came for the mini celebration which was nice. I wish we could have all the family together for something, but I can't actually remember if and when that has ever happened for us. Christmas is coming soon, and I guess we need to start thinking about and planning that.

I had a second interview at a paint place to be an office assistant and a bookkeeper. I think it went pretty well. I feel qualified for the job, and feel I would be a good match energy wise for the company - it's whether or not they feel the same. I was told today it is between myself and one other applicant. I should find out whether or not I got the job on Wednesday. It would be so nice not to have to stress about finances so damn much. It would also be a little exciting to do sales again. I do like talking to people and designing marketing campaigns and what not.

We went to the new house yesterday and I finally got to meet the owner. He is quite nice. He still doesn't have all of his stuff moved out or away yet, so we offered to help a bit which he gladly took us up on. We have to figure out who is sleeping where, and there is some debate about that. We also have to figure out what furniture we're bringing and what we are selling as it comes partially furnished. Craftymama and glassman want to move this Saturday - that seems so close. I don't feel prepared at all for this move. I don't think any of us do really.

I've been speaking with SisterE a bit over the past few days, and even saw my mom on Saturday while I was in Nanaimo. I want to reconcile with the both of them - I really do. But what I need is to feel that they actually realize that they said some hurtful things both directly to me and my family and to others that found its way back to us. Things like calling us stupid for having J, or saying they only want a relationship with some of my kids etc. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says things or makes judgements that turn out to be wrong or that we regret. When it comes to family though it's important to admit to those mistakes. I was hurt by some of their words. I want to move forward, but they need to admit some fault as well here.

My mental health hasn't been all that great lately. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and am doing some invasive treatment again as well as starting some new medications that should hopefully help. I really think getting a stable, good job would really help as well so that I could feel like I was contributing to the household, and so we aren't so worried about finances. I am constantly thankful that I have craftymama (and now glassman again) to help support me and hold me when I need it. I don't know how I'd manage without them.

All of my beautiful children

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Moving

We found a house. It's a 100 yr old farm house on 115 acres. We are not responsible for the land as there is another house on the property and in exchange for rent he takes care of the land and animals. Yes, there are animals. Llamas and rams right now I believe, though he did say that goats and chickens would be fine. Its a gorgeous house, very unique.

I have never in my however many years I have been working had so many issues finding a job - any job. I'll take anything at this point. I was stupid for turning down that job as a busser. I should have just sucked it up and taken in. I apply, I hear back, I think the interview goes great, and then I'm told that I didn't get it. I don't know. It's frustrating. I  need a job. I need a job badly. I wish I was skilled or trained in something, but I'm not. I'm not really trained in anything, I've just had a series of interested jobs that have taught my valuable skills, but those skills are nothing compared to other applicants who have direct experience in a given field.

Schooling or lack thereof continues to be on the table. We love the early childhood program at the waldorf school - but are unsure if the grades program is for us. I'm not sure if homeschooling, or it would be more waldorf inspired unschooling, is for us because I am not sure we provide an enriching enough environment. I'm so skeptical and critical. It would save us some money if they didn't go to the school, but I'm just not sold on the idea of keeping them home. It would be nice to be able to put them in activities outside of school; like scouts, toastmasters or gymnastics. It would be wonderful to not have the mornings be so hectic and chaotic and to be able to go more at our own pace, or craftymama's pace I guess as my plan is to be working full time.

Everything feels so up in the air. Everything is in question. I'm searching for some solid ground and not finding any. I  hear it will come eventually, and nothing worth having comes without work.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

The Long Road Ahead

So the people took the place. To top it all off the guy is a smoker, and smokes outside. The kids say they have seen him throw his cigarette butts on the lawn - so that's just fabulous. Not only do we have to tell the kids (mostly K) to leave people, we also have to tell them to stay away from that whole side of the building when he is out there having a smoke, or close our windows when he is right below them by his doorway. So moving is definitely on the table, in fact, it is a must. But how?

You see, since losing my job at the end of February (which, on an emotional level, I still haven't really dealt with and still feel major feelings about), we have been just barely scraping by. We managed to do it for so long because frankly we stopped paying bills. Our house was falling apart anyways and we couldn't afford to fix the things that we should have been told about before we bought the house in the first place! So, I got some part time temporary jobs, we decided we wanted to live with glassman again (which would give us his income), and we moved to a place with lower rent than our mortgage payments were, drastically cut down our monthly expenses and have been trying to make it work. We are barely making it work. I found an employment field I would love to work in, and seem to be good at, and am hoping to start a career in - but what's the point in starting a career around here if we are considering relocating somewhere completely different.

The type of place we want is a minimum 3 bedroom home with some land for planting vegetables and maybe having some animals (chickens, goats etc) in the future. That's hard to come by in any potentially feasible price range around here. So we have been looking at the interior of BC, or northern Vancouver Island - or really anywhere that will work for us. We are willing to relocate far for the right property and the right house. So what's the point in me starting a career here, signing a contract to stay with the same place (as they pay for industry training so you have to sign a working contract), if we are just leaving. So I'm left in the position of finding a job, any job, that will pay us enough to survive where we are now, and hopefully save up some money to relocate.

Here is where my personal whatevers come into play. I applied for a bunch of jobs last week. One of them at a restaurant. I got an interview, went, and he wanted me to come in for a training shift. The ad was for a cook in the kitchen, the actual job he wanted me for was a busser (so I don't even get a share of the tips). The job paid minimum wage. I agreed to it, because hey, I need a job, but as the day I was scheduled to work got closer I kept having these negative thoughts - which sound so silly. But I feel at 29 years old, with a university degree, tons of experience in a variety of fields, that I should not be working a minimum wage job, a job that is suited for 16 year olds. Yes, I feel better than it. And that's awful. When you have no job, you should be grateful for any job that comes your way. But I couldn't get over it. I want to be doing something meaningful with my life, or at least something I enjoy, or at the very very least something that pays me enough money to make enduring it worthwhile. I don't know how to satisfy at least one of those criteria. But I need a job. And it shouldn't be something on the career side of things because we do want to relocate. Nor should it be something I greatly enjoy because that will make leaving it harder. Finally, I don't think I am going to find anything that pays me what I think I should be making (which honestly, isn't much, a couple bucks over minimum wage would be awesome). I got a phone call from Tim Hortons; I think I'll call them back and set up an interview. I like coffee and donuts, and customer service so maybe that'll work. And besides, maybe I could transfer locations when we do eventually find a house so I'd be going wherever we go with a job.

Sigh, when did being a damn adult become so complicated. Just for one month i would love to not stress over how we are paying the bills, or be able to take my kids fun places without worrying about money. I know there are a lot of people in the same boat, so I am not alone, but company doesn't make the journey any easier.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Downstairs Neighbour

The place we live in now technically has a partially above ground basement suite downstairs. When we looked at the place the landlord told us that he kept it empty and planned to use it for him and his son to come and and stay in the country during the summer. Well, that never happened, and about a month in to living there he told us he was looking for someone to rent the suite.

Fast forward 1.5 months and it seems he has found someone. They are a young couple with a 15month old. I don't know what would possess them to agree to live below a family with 5 kids all 8 or under. But they are strongly thinking about it apparently.

I don't want to live above someone. I really really don't. I don't want the anxiety of my kids running around upstairs, or playing outside. I want to be able to have conversations with craftymama and glassman without wondering or knowing (depending on location) that the people below us can hear every single word clearly. I don't want to have to worry all the freaking time, and I will. It will make me an angry person.

Here's the dilemma - it's September 27th. Craftymama and Glassman want to have a place lined up before we give notice, so obviously we will not giving notice in 3 days, so we will not be moving for November 1st. Craftymama will not move for December or January 1st, which means not moving until February 1st at the earliest. That's 4 months of potentially living above someone. 4 months of constantly worried about how loud we are being for our downstairs neighbours.

Now, Craftymama and Glassman argue that because they have agreed to live below a family with 5 kids, that they know what they are getting into in terms of noise. While I agree with that, to some extent, you still have to be considerate of your neighbours when you have them so close. Which means if they need you to be quiet because their baby is sleeping, then you need to try to be quiet. If they can hear every running step the kids take at early hours of the morning, then we have to remind the kids to use gentle feet constantly. I don't want that. I don't want the stress of trying to get the kids to essentially stop being kids because we have people right below us.

Yet, this is where we find ourselves now. Who knows, maybe they won't take the place. That's what I'm hoping for at this point. 

Monday, September 22, 2014

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I think I've used that title before. It seems over the last however many years that I have been keeping this blog that things are constantly changing for my family.

There are no big changes in the immediate future - but there are changes in the future. The problem is - we don't know what they are. We all feel like we are at some sort of cross roads or something in life and we need to figure out where it is exactly we want to be. Craftymama really wants to have some land where she can grow as much of our own food as is possible. Glassman doesn't want to have to work so much or commute quite as far to work. They both want a slower paced kind of life. Glassman wants a puppy, a german shepherd puppy. Craftymama wants chickens. Past those, and a few other specific things, there are no firm desires.

As for me...well...that's another problem in and of itself. I have no idea at all what I want. A part of me honestly wants to live in the city, work a normal 9-5, come home and zone out in front of the TV and not have to work about the chemicals and shit my family ingests. But I know that's not realistic. Another part of thinks it would be neat to live in the middle of nowhere, but I really have no desire to garden or harvest or any of that shit. I think the majority of the last 4 years, for me, has been merely trying to sustain myself with my mental health, that I haven't really given the whole "what do I want to do with my life" question a whole lot of effort. I never anticipated having a future, so I never planned for one. I don't know where to start. I'm don't like trying new things because I feel like I am too old. I don't like doing things Craftymama does because I have sucking at it in comparison to her. I don't have any interests or hobbies, or really anything. It's like trying to find yourself as a teenager all over again, but at the same time you have kids of your own and adult responsibilities to take into consideration. I don't know how to manage it all. I feel trapped.

LittleR and one of her best friends in her class had to be separated because they would only play with each other and were mean to the other kids. The teacher thinks it's nerves of being in a new class/grade. BigR hates homeschooling, but really only because he doesn't want to do any type of schooling and is bored without his siblings. I think he'll come around, and I honestly think it'll be better for him. J WILL NOT SLEEP! I feel so bad for Craftymama because she is the only one who *can* get him to sleep, but he refuses to so there is a lot of tears and unhappiness - on both their parts I think.  I don't get it, if he is so exhausted (which he is), then why not sleep?!?!

I went away for 4 days for work up island, and man I missed my family. It was so weird being away from them. I worked at night and slept for the morning (usually had a nap in the late afternoon), so my whole schedule was thrown off. I watched some episodes about The Duggars, and am inspired by how they do things, and I so wish we could do things like that. They make having so many kids look easy! I also was reminded of how much I hate commercials. Especially the same ones over and over and over again. It was good to come home, though I had to wake Craftymama up when I arrived at 3:00a because I was locked out, and snuggle up to her and then have BigR come and wake me up the next morning and give me a giant hug. The hugs I got from the kids when I did pick up and school that day were huge. I missed them all.

Monday, September 8, 2014

It's been forever!

Yes, it's been forever since I updated this blog. And I am sure no one is reading. But what I am sure of is that in however many years I will look back on these little tidbits of my life and smile, cry, and do all those things crazy mothers do when they look back into their pasts.

So we've moved. Do I like the new place? IDK. I like not being stressed that it's falling apart, like the last house, but it certainly does not feel like home. Not even in the slightest. The layout is weird, the landlord is weird, and, well, it's just not comfortable. Maybe it will be one day. Who knows how long we will be here, in the middle of no where, with no street lights in sight.

It's also time to be an adult and deal with the old house. We have someone who may be interested in doing a mortgage takeover; which would be handy. But there are so many things that need to be done, and deadlines from people that need to be met. When I think about the old house, and everything it has cost us: financially, emotionally, mentally - I wonder why any one ever buys houses in the first place. I don't want to ever do it again. I don't want to risk feeling the way I do now ever again.

Living with glassman has been an easy transition. I mean, I knew it would be. I've known the man for 24 years now, so it feels weird NOT living with him.

The Kids...

BigR started homeschooling today. He was excited about it over the summer, but seeing his friends at school (while dropping off the other kids) has made him have all the feelings an 8 year old can muster about this kind of situation. I think he will like the alone time with craftymama though, he has always thrived with one on one time, especially with her - a mama's boy at heart. He is really into pirates, and sword fighting. He and glassman often go outside in the evenings after the other kids are in bed and sword fight with glassman's martial arts sticks. They are really bonding - which is wonderful to see. He is a pretty moody 8 year old, which is normal I hear. He has found his voice, and uses it to talk back or argue - which is weird for me, because he has always been the soft spoken gentle one. He is still very precise and likes things a particular way, so I know now to touch his things - ever. His smile is infectious, and his eyes betray a wisdom far beyond his eight years. He can spend hours creating or listening to stories, and still holds childhood magic in his heart.

K is as social as social can be. She loves people. Let me elaborate...she loves adults. She would spend all of her time sitting with and listening into the conversations of any adult. She has no problems talking to them, no shyness, and no problems asking them embarrassing or personal questions. Her confidence in that regard is astounding. She has started grade 1 and loves it. She tells all of us, every day, about every little thing she has done that day - even going so far as to act out the actions of the story she heard, or display for us the movements she did in the gym. It can get exhausting to listen to, but I know she is just very excited and wants us to share in that excitement with her. She longs to know all the things that BigR already has learned, and loves nothing more than to mother J. She is already planning her wedding. She turns 7 this Wednesday. That's insane to me - that I've been doing this mothering thing for seven years already. She loves to help out around the house, including all chores. I have to be careful not to abuse that.

M  has grown so much over the summer - it's crazy! His coordination is leaps and bounds ahead of where it was before. He still expresses all his negative feelings in the form of anger, which can get exhausting, and demands physical exertion to keep him happy. He is a rough and tumble boy. He is still noise with dirt on it. But man oh man, can he be the sweetest thing in the world. Not too long ago he started to say "I love you" back to me when I would say it to him (so long as no one was around to hear it that is), and I tell you my heart damn near broke the first few times he said it. M doesn't let love or affection come out often, but when it does, I just melt. He is definitely going through the 6 year change. He has been saying things like, "it's not your life, it's mine" and "it can't help, it's just a blanket" (in reference to his blankie which has been a cherished, obsessed over object since birth for him). His dimples just seem to get deeper the older he gets, and I hope he never loses them. They can convey both trouble and joy. His anger can make him a challenge to parent at times, but at the end of the day when he snuggles up with his blankie, plants a big kiss on your cheek while giving you a squeeze hug - well, it just makes all the rage that day worthwhile.

LittleR is still weird and crazy and off. Whenever she sees a chicken she calls it a dinosaur. She, like most 5 year olds, goes immediately to cranky when things don't go her way. She has weird quirks - like her complete dislike of all muffins and raisins. She is still very much a mii mii's girl, and would stay on my lap all day if I would let her. She has a couple of best friends in school, who she absolutely adores, and which I think is so so cute. I often find myself wondering if this will turn into a friendship that lasts years and years; but I guess that depends on how long we are staying at the school. She is loud, and intense, and can stomp around the house like no body's business. There are times when I can't handle her screaming, and times when I have an endless amount of patience for her. She still screams, all the time, about everything. It's getting old. She always seems to be watching me though, and if I have even the tiniest bit of a cranky look on my face, she points it out and asks why. I have to be careful around her.

J. Little baby J. He is nearly 10 months old, and is cruising around furniture, getting into everything he can get into. The boy loves him some bananas, and green vegetables, and he is starting to get a taste for starchy and bready things. He is also a mama's boy, but I think that's normal for this age. He still sleeps in the bed with us, pressed up against craftymama or at least facing her. He hates to getting wrapped, but loves being up in a wrap. I really want to wrap him more. I keep saying and thinking that but I actually need to do something about that feeling. He has absolutely no fear of the water, which I love. He loves to get wet. A lot of people say he looks like Teo. He is obsessed with cars, and has been for months, which I think is quite young to have such a defined preference for toys - but here we are. He has been a wonderful addition to our family.

So yeah, that's pretty much us. I am going to try to post more often. I'll regret it if I don't.