Monday, June 29, 2015

What a month!

This month has been a whirlwind! I mean, June is already a busy month what with both R's birthdays...but this one takes the cake.

I would like to write more about the kids' education plans, and I hopefully will - but for now..just the bare bones.

At the beginning of June we lost our second car. We had already lost old crappy, and then the cradle on the white car rusted out and was shot. It would have been over two grand to fix it and the car isn't worth that much. It was crushed into a cube. My amazing work has been allowing me to use their extra car, but we were still without a way to get glassman to work. So..he went to live with his dad and rode a bike to work every morning. He would come home on weekends to see everyone. It was awful. All the kids, especially J missed him terribly. All the kids made him something for Father's day - it was adorable.

On June 10th, Big R celebrated his 9th birthday.
This is how I remember Big R. This is what he looked like when I first met him. Obsessed with cars, strong believer in gnomes and magic, silly, and just a joy to be around. Nearly immediately after meeting him I began to be around him and part of his upbringing every day. By the time he was 3.5 I was living with him, and becoming his mii mii. I will never forget the first time he called me that. I cried. I feel honoured that he has accepted me and loves me the way he does.
This is Big R on his birthday. Cars are boring. He has no time for 'boring adults.' He got an Ipod Shuffle as a gift and he likes listening to it and drowning everyone out. He still plays pretend every once in a while, and he still really wants to believe in magic. He is a very intelligent, very quiet boy. He is very sensitive and very in tune with his emotions. He feels strongly. He is growing up. It's scary and amazing to be part of that process.

Little R's birthday was on the 24th, but inbetween these two days some things happened. So, we our lease was originally up on June 15th, the landlord agreed to extend it to the 30th because the little kids weren't done school until the 19th. On the 23rd, Craftymama is in contact with me because the landlord is there freaking out and yelling at her. She is having a panic attack so I leave work and come home wherein the landlord and I get into an argument. He demands that we leave immediately. He calls me liar. Accuses me of a bunch of things. Threatens me with jail. I no longer felt safe in the house and neither did craftymama. So...we got a truck. We called glassman home from work and we started packing. My employers showed up with 3 trucks and 3 men to help us as well as dinner. I cried from their generosity. We loaded up a moving truck and a pick up truck in 5 hours and were done. The truck was stored at another friend's farm, with the pick up truck stuff in storage there until we could grab it. We then went to craftymama's dad's trailer and stayed there for a night before they told us to use their house and they would stay at the trailer.

So the next day, the 24th, is Little R's and Craftymama's birthdays.
This is my squishy. She was short and she was small and she was loud. She grounded me and brought me more into myself. Her birth was amazing and powerful and an experience that I will hold onto for as long as I can. She nursed and wanted to be with me - all the time.
Now she is my Little R. She is still short. She is still loud, and she still wants to be with me and near me all the time. She follows me around. She is feisty and she has opinions (especially about bananas). Her currency is cookies, she loves cookies. She is her own unique weird person now. She says weird one liners that I also hope I will be able to store away and remember as she gets older. 

This is also craftymama who celebrated her birthday on the same day. She is an amazing mother to our children, and an amazingly beautiful woman. I cherish every moment I get to spend with her, and she has helped me and supported me so so much over the past years. She is stronger than even she realizes. We fit - and its wonderful. 

So, we were going to go back to the house to clean, but the landlord has forbidden us from going on the property. He made accusation of theft and called the RCMP. He refuses to return the security deposit and has told us we owe him money for utilities but won't show us the bills. He also has our mail. I am not sure what happened. A week before this happened he had talked to the landlord of our new house and given us a glowing review and said he was sad lose us, and then a week later this happened. I'm thinking something has happened in his personal life and he is taking it out on us. I am trying to have compassion, and trying not to feel angry - but its hard. 

So we lived at Craftymama's dad's for 3 days and then our new landlord let us move in early to the new house - thankfully. So we did that on the 27th. Glassman and I unloaded the truck, we set it up. We are just missing the stuff from storage as I need a pickup truck to grab that stuff.

It's wonderful to be back in Nanaimo. We're home. This is where we should be. It sucks that I am commuting to work every day - but I love my job and I work for amazing people, and I know in my heart that my home and my family are in Nanaimo. 

It's been a whirlwind of a month between birthdays, cars, and houses. But I have been surrounded by amazing people who have held me and lifted me through all of this. The world continues to show me that it is a good place, even when I am in my darkest of times. It continues to provide me with examples true human compassion and empathy. I just need to remember all these things. 

Life is starting over - again. We are here. We are adjusting. We are home. 

Friday, June 5, 2015

Maybe have found a house!

So we think - maybe - just maybe - we have found a house!

It's in glassman and my old stomping grounds of Harewood, so where we grew up. Its got 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms and an unfinished basement that we are planning on finishing. It's right across the street from a forested park and about a 5 minute walk from a big forested and swimming hole area with trails and everything. It really is a good house, as good as we could expect to find - given the size of our family and our credit history. It is a bit more money than I was hoping to spend but as Craftymama has pointed out, housing prices just keep going up and I can't expect to pay what I did 5 years ago.

We have a move date of the end of June. Craftymama has already started packing boxes - her goal is a box a day. Glassman and I are already lamenting at having load and unload all the things. We also need to find some living room furniture as we sold all of that when we moved into this house because it came partially furnished. We also need to get a desk and a computer that works because my work has said that they will allow me to work from home sometimes, so I need to be able to do that in a space where I won't be disturbed by the children.

Speaking of the children. M and LittleR will be pulled from the Waldorf School which kind of makes me sad as I wanted LittleR to finish the two years of kindergarten, but after having been home a few days as they were getting ready for school I see the stress that it causes and it isn't working for anyone, especially LittleR.

We will be following an unschooling type of education. This is akin to free learning. That is education that is not forced or coerced. Already, K has taught herself how to fluently read and she is working her way through numerous doctor and nurse books - as that's where her interest currently lie. M is also starting to read of his own interest. It a break from mainstream, but then, everything I seem to do in life is a break from mainstream.

I would really like to find a way to follow my passion and become a funeral director but I feel I am too old. They are, usually, family businesses and you just grow up in the business. There aren't many 30 year olds, especially women, who are like, "hey! I'd like to work with the dead and bereaving families." It would be an uphill battle that I don't know that I am ready for. Craftymama is following her dream to open up her own free school, and is hoping to do so in September of 2016. She is already working on her speech to present at a meeting she is planning on hosting in Nanaimo.

We are, yet again, in an age of change. A relocation, a potential change in careers, a change in educational focus. Everything is on faith and trust. Faith and trust in eachother.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The World is a Good Place

I have had a lot of good happen to me recently.

On my birthday I got up early, grabbed some CD's and drove to Nanaimo to pick up my nephew, C. Of course I grabbed the largest coffee from starbucks first! Then we drove out to Qualicum to see my mom. I got a tour of her house, she has significantly redecorated. It looks great! There are nice touches of my grandparents in every corner while at the same time keeping true to my mom's style and charm - it is now her house after all. Also, I love the black front door - I want one!

Then we went out to this hippie store she had been talking about for awhile. C loved the toy busses and I got some pretty cool clothes - including new yoga shorts which is awesome! We then went to this great big thrift store in Parksville. It's 18000 square feet of thrifty goodness - I could have spent hours in there.

Then we went back to her place and had a fondue and the lovely wafer cake that always will remind me of my sister N's 16th birthday where I was snuck a piece upstairs in the middle of her party downstairs. My mom and I talked, shared stories about each other neither of us had every heard, and basically started a relationship as adults. We both have boundaries and we both need to respect those boundaries. I left happy.

On the drive home I blasted my music, drove a little too fast, had my sunglasses on and enjoyed the breeze through my windows.

As I pulled up to my driveway I saw about 10 cars and balloons. Craftymama had indeed planned a party. I will admit, I was angry at first. I drove in and was just shaking my head. Everyone was there! Work friends, friends from highschool, friends who just moved back into town, new friends from the kids' school. There was lost to eat, lots to drink and lots of catching up to do. I made the rounds and had a great visit with everyone. It was so wonderful to feel so loved and held on that day, a day which has traditionally not been very good for me. If these people, all of these people, from all stages of my life, were willing to come out and give up there time for a party for my birthday then I must have effected them in some way, they must care - it was truly a heart warming experience for me. I am sad my sister E and her family didn't come, or the couple of friends that couldn't make it. But I am so very happy with everyone who came out. I am also grateful to my kids and craftymama and glassman (whose birthday it also was) for doing this for me. I nearly cried.

The next day I had to drive the boys to Nanaimo to see cableman. On the way back I got a flat and for the life of could not find the tire jack. These two nice men offered to change my tire for me and helped me do it all. They didn't have to, they just did it out of the goodness of their heart. Those are the types of people I want my kids to be. I want them to help when they can - just because.

Later that day I was at Subway because I didn't have time to grocery shop and as I was about to pay another man walks in and returns $10 to the cashier because he was over paid in change. He didn't have to do that either, but he said he works in retail as well and knows how infuriating it can be to have your cash be out at the end of the day. He acted like of course he would return it.

The world is a good place - at the heart of it all. There are people who care. People who are honest. People who will help.

I strive to be one of those people.

Friday, May 22, 2015


  • Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. I am spending the majority of the day with my mother. I am worried, yes. Things haven't been the best between us. But we are both committed to working on that and are both doing the best we know how to do with each other. We are having a fondue and then I am going to check out a thrift store that I evidently used to love. 
  • Being 30 scares me. This isn't where I thought I would be. I am a lot of things I wish I wasn't, and I don't feel, in the sense of my success/worth as a person, that I am where I should be. I am right where I am supposed to be, I trust the universe with this (or am trying to), but it's hard not to feel like I have disappointed my younger self. I need to learn to trust myself more. That is my goal for 30 - to trust myself more, to follow my instincts, to follow my passions. 
  • My sister isn't talking to me. I am immensely sad and disappointed. I thought we were on track. I thought we were doing well. I was excited for the the future. I was excited to be close to someone from that part of my family. I don't know what I did. I don't know what happened. The silence pains me. 
  • Craftymama's parents continue to amaze me. Her mom sought out bikes for the all the kids to ride. Her dad accepts our lifestyle and loves all of us. I feel scared to feel as close to him as I do. I don't have an adult relationship with either of my parents: my dad died, and my mom and I haven't developed one yet. I feel like a traitor being closer to him than I am my own family. I worry about disappointing him. His acceptance of me, the girls, of glassman - of everything has just been so amazing. When we were out at the trailor last, his wife (craftymama's step mom) danced a slow dance with BigR and he danced one with K and the sight of that nearly brought tears to my eyes. It was beautiful. Family is important - whatever shape it takes, and whoever makes up your family - it's important. 
  • I am trying. I am flawed. I am not perfect. We all do the best we can. I cannot fault anyone else for my relationships with them, but I cannot simply fault myself. Relationships are a two way street. Perhaps this is how it needs to be right now. Perhaps I am meant to garner that familial support from those that did not help raise me - perhaps they are meant to teach me something. I can't be sure. I do know that I do not need toxicity or negativity in my life. I do that enough on my own. I will not apologize for being who I am - even if I don't know exactly who that is yet. I will treat everyone with respect, I will go into every interaction with love in my heart - but I will no longer be made to feel less than because of my choices. 

Monday, May 11, 2015

Letting them be their own people

I have 5 kids. I have 5 kids who are not my slaves, not my mini me's, and not mine to control. They are their own people. They have their own thoughts, their own wants. The most important job I can do as a parent is to guide them to make smart choices, even if I would make a different choice. I must teach them and show them to have confidence in themselves, to believe in themselves, to have faith in themselves. I must teach them to listen to themselves and their own hearts and minds. I must also, unfortunately, be there for them when others do not care for their choices, or their wants. I must be a safe place for them to land when things don't go right. I must be open for them, I must accept them for who they are - even if what and who they are wasn't in my grand plan for them. My dreams for them don't need to come true in order for them to be successful. They are successful by being who they are.

BigR wants to be a bushman, he wants to survive off the land in the wilderness. He is learning all about what plants he can eat, and how to build shelters. If he grows up and does it and is happy - than I am happy for him. I want him to be happy. I'm sure no parent has a dream or a goal for their child to be a bushman, but - so what? We don't get to pick.

K wants to be a Doctor, Midwife, and a nurse. She is watching births, learning anatomy, and is practicing first aid. It's what she wants to pursue right now. If she does become those things, there is a whole slew of people who will deem her more successful than BigR...but why? Simply because it is more conventional. She will be successful if she follows her heart - regardless of where that takes her.

That being said...

K has dreads. She has been asking for them for 3 months. We debated, because, stereo-typically she is quite the girly girl and likes doing her hair and all that fun stuff. But she kept insisting. We went over that she would have to cut them out if she ever wanted them out. She thought about it and decided she did. So craftymama put them in. She is rocking them. I am worried what people are going to say to her. Everyone always comments on her red hair and how beautiful it is. It can still be beautiful in dreads. She loves them, they make her happy. She feels beautiful. That's all that matters. Not what other people think of her. We have had the conversation with her that some people may judge her or ask her why she did that to her hair. She seems okay with standing up for herself. But it's my job as a parent to stand up for her to. And I will.

I will stand up for all my kids. Because regardless of their hairstyles, their chosen careers, the educational paths they decide to take as we move forward - they are proudly, and without shame being themselves. That's all I want. They don't need to fit into anyone else's preconceived ideas for what they should or shouldn't be. I want them to be good, happy people.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

So.....Yeah...Where to go? and When?

So the landlord is selling the house. We aren't sure what this means for us and haven't been able to get a hold of him to ask. We don't know if this means he wants us out when the lease is up, or if we can stay while he sells, or what. We also don't know where we are going - still.

When the house was for sale before it didn't sell and it was on the market for some time so there may be no rush to get out because at least with us living there he pays the mortgage on it each month. But at the same time I don't want to be at the mercy of someone else. I want to take charge.

Craftymama wants to set up her school, I want to become a funeral director and those can't stay on hold until we figure out where we are going. If we stay in the cowichan valley than its not that big of a deal to stay at the farm until it sells, but do we want to stay here?

I kind just want to decide where we are going to live and then move there and stay there for a long time. I don't want to wait around to be kicked out eventually, no matter how perfect the house is. The longer we stay, the more settled we will get here, and the harder it will be to leave when we have to. I'd rather bite the bullet and leave now.

I have no idea what we are going to. Glassman still isn't back at work any sort of permanently and he does have some side work but if we move out of the valley that job will probably be over. So he will have no work. I work here, but I can commute if we pick Nanaimo. There is a house in qualicum that I keep thinking about, but its qualicum - and that doesn't work for oh so many reasons. Even though the funeral industry might be busy there.

I don't know how to make this decision, but I want to make it. I want to stick to it. I want to find a house and not move from it for a while. I am tired of moving. 8 moves in 8 years. Moved last November, and then July before that. I'm tired and I'm drained of it. But I am excited to get somewhere and stay - and that is the goal. To Stay. To Settle.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Happy Anniversary

On April 25th, Glassman and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary. 8 years since we got married with my mom and his parents in Jamaica. 8 years since we said our vows and made promises. So much has changed. 

What was a big change was that for the first time this year we didn't fight the whole day. Normally we fight, who knows why. 

This year, with some help from Craftymama we even completed our rose tradition thing and went out for dinner - though we did watch the hockey game during dinner. It was fun.

So much is different. When we got married I was pregnant with K. Now we have 5 kids. I hadn't even met Craftymama 8 years ago and now I can't imagine my life without her. We've lived in 8 different houses in 8 years, in 4 different cities. It's been a roller coaster. 

Yes we took a break so some may say it starts again, that it hasn't really been 8 years. Honestly though, that break was better for the continuing health of our relationship as anything we've done during it. We needed that 'maturity break' to grow out of the people we had grown up with and become the people we are now. We needed that break.

Now things are working, now we are happy.