Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Chickens

There are chickens in my future.

I can't tell you how many, and I can't tell you when, but I can tell you that they are coming. Craftymama is wearing me down - slowly. It helps that I saw some chickens that I fell in love with. Is THIS not the most awesome chicken you have every seen. They are called Silkies. They  have black skin, come in array of colours, have 5 toes (instead of the usual 4) and lay about 3-4 eggs for week - so not very many. They are also very broody - which means they want to mother all the things. It's a weird chicken. I fell in love with how weird it is and looks. I made a deal that with Craftymama that I would consider allowing her to get chickens if there was at least one silkie in the mix somewhere. I wonder if I can train it to sit on my shoulder...


Craftymama wants to do them free range, literally, so they would have no fences or anything around them. Apparently chickens don't go that far from their coop because they get lost too easily. I am concerned for wild animals. We do live on 115acres. I am sure there is wildlife present that would just love a delicious meal of fresh chicken. I would hate to be constantly replacing them if they kept being eaten.

Then there is the problem of what we do with them after the age of like 4 when they stop laying. Chickens can live for quite some time I learned, and if they aren't laying, then you are just paying for a pet. So one has to determine if you want to keep them as a pet or not. If not, then what. The usual method is to kill them. Craftymama said she couldn't do it, I doubt glassman would, but I am of the belief that it's partly your responsibility if you own the chicken and have decided to kill it because it's of no use to you any longer than you should respect it and it's life enough to do it yourself. So, I think the task would fall to me. I'm not sure if I am up for that, it's something to think on.

Also, if we move we may have to take them with us, so there would be the issue of where to put them if we moved into the city. We lucked out with the awesome house and property we are on now, and I don't think we'll find something like this again, so the likelihood of having ample space for chickens in a new house is low. I'd like to stay in our house for the 6 months our lease is, and then if our landlord agrees to et us stay here longer, then get chickens. I'm concerned we will ave to move after 6 months and thus don't want to do anything too permanent.

Regardless, I feel at some point in the future craftymama will get her chickens that she has been asking for for about 3 years I think. I will get eggs, which I have been missing since summer when our CSA ended, and then, maybe, everyone will be happy.



Also - craftymama has been begging for goats.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Finding a Balance

This is my 4th week back at work full time. In the grand scheme of jobs it's a really good job. It pays well, they provide awesome coffee in the kitchen in the office, they do lunch for everyone every Thursday; it's just a good place to work. It's not my dream career, working in a funeral home is, but you know it's not bad. 

However, finding a balance is hard. I find the transition from work to home really hard. The 15 minute drive home just isn't enough or isn't the right thing to help make that more smooth. At work, I'm in an office by myself. I'm constantly answering phones, talking to people, checking my email in between phone calls and conferring with other staff about shipping or prices or some other thing. It's busy, and my mind is always working and thinking but it's quiet. At home - it's chaos. There is't the same kind of thinking at home. There are 5 of them and when I get home at least one of them is cranky, and one of them is off the wall insane/energetic. Craftymama is tired - rightly so, and everyone is hungry as it's nearly dinner time. 

I don't know how to come into my own house where expectations of me are completely different without losing my cool a bit. I lose my patience with the kids quicker than I have a right to, I take my frustration with myself at being unable to cope out on Craftymama and Glassman when he gets home shortly after me. 

I want to be able to come home in the evenings and listen to what my kids did that day and not be thinking about work or the 50 things I have to do at home that night. I want to be able to read them stories and not wonder when the book will be over. I want to be present with them in a meaningful way. I don't know how to do it. 

I wonder if I knew how to do it when I was working before, or if I was at least better at it. Maybe I wasn't. I don't remember. I don't know if this is something I have aways struggled with and always wanted to fix - but I know it's something I want to fix now. We are all entitled to our bad days - but I have no right or desire to make every evening with my kids bad because I can't handle change. 

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Christmas is Coming

So the holidays are upon us once more. We have many activities going on. There are gold and silver advent stars appearing on our kitchen ceiling every night. There is an advent wreath with a new candle every sunday. There is the advent calendar with a different fun activity every day for the kids to do. It's a lot of things. There is is Christmas itself. We try to do a low key Christmas at our house. Santa normally brings one gift each for the kids, plus a toy for them all, and their stockings. They are also spoiled by the grandparents.

Then on boxing day we usually have an open house style things at our house. With three parents living under one roof there are a lot of people who wants visits and it simply isn't fair to do some and not all so we have the open house and invite them all over at any point in the day. This is how it has always been. It works. Some years we don't get to see certain grandparents, but we try. With all 8 of our hectic schedules (and it could be worse if the kids were in extra curricular activities) it's hard to find the free time to get to go any places to visit. We do rely on people coming to us. Maybe that's a cop out, but that's how it is.

So we told all the grandparents about this, more reminded them as we figured they all knew. And I heard back from my mom. I was so disappointed. She treated me so curtly, and informally. She thanked me for the "kind invite", didn't know "if that would work" for her, would have to "think on it awhile and let [me] know." It was just so cold sounding. Like it was an automated response. What we're doing shouldn't come as a surprise. We always do this. Plus I'm excited for the first time in 4 years to show people where we live - it's a gorgeous house. I'm sad my mom probably won't come.

I keep trying for a relationship with her, but she doesn't seem to be trying back. I won't give up entirely though. I will not be the one to do that. I will not have myself looking back on my life one day and wishing I had made more effort to connect with my mother. I won't have that on my conscience.

In other news.....

I got a raise at my job - yay! And my own office, and a headset phone - it's like I'm special or something.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Kid Updates

You know - I write a lot of places. I have 3 blogs and an online journal. That's a lot of places. Sometimes I realize that I haven't actually told a specific sub-sect of people things that have happened. I have updated about my job, and moving and relationships, but not about the kids!


 BigR is talking back so much lately. Apparantly, he is still his sweet normal self when it's just craftymama and him during the day for school but whenever he is around me and the other kids he is all mouthy. Glassman tells me this is normal for an 8 year old boy - and I am holding onto memories of his sweet self all the times that he talks back to me. He is heavily into knights, pirates, and saints. He loves King Arthur, and Sir Cedric - and those type of tales. He really wants a pocket knife for Christmas, but I'm leaning towards no. In my opinion only, he hasn't shown enough maturity to have something like that given to him. I'm not against the kids having pocket knives at some point - but they have to be ready for them. He seems so big lately. It's hard to believe that he was once so little, I met him before he turned 2 and now he is nearly 8.5. He goes back and forth with what he wants done with his hair - sometimes short, sometimes dreads...so who knows. He is pretty tall, and his hands are nearly as big as mine are. I figure he will be taller than me by the time he is 14.



K is still trying to live in the land of adults. She loves adult talk. Loves cleaning. Loves mothering her siblings. She just wants to be an adult through and through. She is also obsessed with her looks and clothing - calling herself fat (so craftymama and I have had to really watch what we say about our looks), and being upset when specific clothing doesn't fit right or doesn't work together as an outfit. She also loves organizing things and keeping her room orderly - which I'm sure drives LittleR crazy. She is loving school, though she is copying two of the kids in her class who are quite rambunctious and crazy - so I wish she would stop that. I wish she would just enjoy being a kid, it all passes too quickly and she will have tons of time to be an adult later.



M is still my dichotomy. He is a boys boy. Loves to get dirty, loves fire trucks, loves cars, loves tools but at the same time is quite a sensitive little kid who often needs hugs of reassurance - though never when BigR is around because he always has to be on the lookout to impress his big brother. He has grown the most in maturity over the last little while. Even like his climbing, jumping, running, all those coordination things seems leaps and bounds ahead of where there were a mere 6 months ago. He is also obsessed with pirates, and colouring - and would happily spend hours at the kitchen table colouring pictures (usually of pirates). He is also a leader at school and one of the loudest singers we are told - which is absolutely incredible to us. Last school year you could hardly get him to participate. M is a picture perfect example of why two years of kindergarten is such a great thing for kids. There is no way, like with typical schooling, that he would have been ready for grade 1 this year. This extra year has given him confidence and self assurance. Oh - and he still has those wonderful dimples - I hope they never fade.



LittleR is still the weird kid. She still has a lot of emotional overreactions to things - usually expressed in the form of some type of tears She still is a little bit off, and man some of the outfits she manages to create for herself. I wish I had a photo album of her clothing choices at times. It would be great to look back on in 15 years. Though I am sure she would be incredibly embarrassed by it. She is, like Teo, also wanting to impress her older sibling - K in this case. She often will copy K or try to do or act like she think K wants her too. LittleR has such a unique personality that I don't want her to lose it because she is afraid of what other people thing. Really, I don't want any of my kids to be afraid of expressing their true personalities - it's not a good way to live. She loves rainbows, and unicorns, and loves listening to stories (most of the books she loves are the one's I strongly dislike). Everyone says she has my eyes.



Then there is J. Sweet happy screamy J. He is so happy when he is in public with strangers and when he can crawl around. He is not happy at home unless he is up or nursing with craftymama. Even then sometimes he is not happy. He is still throwing most of his food on the floor rather than eating it. He also said his first word - 'car.' So two of our kids said that as their first word - LittleR was the other. He is obsessed with cars and vehicle. He is also already loving being able to get down and dirty in the mud - so much for all of his wool pants. He still sleeps in bed with us, but craftymama and glassman just set up a crib in our room which he will hopefully be transitioning soon too. Maybe then craftymama can get some sleep without a small being pressed up against her all night long. He actually laid on me while asleep the other night which was absolutely wonderful. For the most part I can make him laugh, and I am the fun one. Craftymama can comfort him, and glassman can entertain him. He loves glassman so very much - it's cute. His eyes are some combination of blue-brown-mostly brown maybe. It makes sense, his donor's eyes were brown, but he's the only one in the family with them.

I was going to write about Christmas, but this entry got long enough. *Phew*

Monday, November 24, 2014

Work and Relationships

So I've been at my new job for..well..5.5 days (I'm on my lunch break on day 6 right now). I was originally hired as an office assistant as the one they have is going back to school. Evidently, I made quite the impression on them because I was told, if I wanted it, I could move into the Wholesale Account Manager position and do sales. So I started that today. Already I have made two sales. Well, I guess 1.5. One was completely mine, and the other I had taken over an account from the person who previously held this position and completed her follow-ups to make the sale. Still pretty impressive. I like talking on the phone and dealing with people - it will be nice when I can do it on my own and not have someone watching over me, but I'm still new in the position so the boss still sits beside me as I make phone calls and reads over my emails before they are sent. It's only been a week, I need to be patient. To be bad patience is not one of my virtues - never has been.

The three of us had relationship talks last night. Those are always fun and interesting. For the most part glassman was confused on where he stood with us, and I, as always, was concise and dealt with things quickly. I just said my piece - which was that I still loved him, and probably always would, and that I like where our relationship was. Glassman and I have never really been super affectionate lovey people with each other, it's just not who we are. Instead we wrestle, randomly dance in the kitchen, and I try to give him wet willies. I like that - I don't want that to change. As for what happened with glassman and craftymama - I don't know. They think so similarly, and neither of them really enjoy talking, so I went to bed to let them work it out, but I don't think anything was. All I know is that there are no labels, no comparisons; things just are as they are for the three of us. We are a family and we will stick together and by each other through everything. We've made that commitment. That's what's really important here.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

So We Moved and Stuff

Today is Tuesday, we moved on Saturday to Springfield Farm. It's a gorgeous piece of property on 115 acres, lakefront on the property, and it's an old house. Craftymama and I have been commenting that maybe we just belong in old houses, we always feel more at home in them. To be honest, this feels more like home already than any house has since the green house all those years ago. Now here's hoping we can stay here for awhile - the owner lives partially on the property (in a yurt) and partially up island where the rest of his family currently lives. His place up island is only leased for 6 months, so we only have this place for a guaranteed 6 months. We are hoping it's much longer than that. Craftymama is already talking about livestock that she wants (chickens, goats, ducks...) and there are already llamas and sheep on the property. There is another family on the property with kids who homeschool so it's quite a good fit. Already the kids are all playing together, and going on adventures. They have now been told, after BigR went missing for a couple of hours, that when they go on adventures they need to tell someone. 115 acres is a big piece of land that will be easy for them to get lost in. It's a very cool place to grow up.

I started a new job yesterday. I am an office assistant for Country Chic Paint. It's a very different job from my transfer service, medicinal cannabis and coffee shop background. I've done office work before at Salvation Botanicals, so the work itself isn't hard or new, it's just learning a new company and new styles of doing things. It's weird - already. I miss being at home, miss doing the school stuff. I get home around 5:00p, and half the kids are in bed by 6:30p. I hardly see them. It will be great, financially speaking, for me to be working full time again, especially at the decent wage I am starting at. Granted, some of the money will be going towards the upcoming bankruptcy, but it needs to happen.

I'm really wanting to take a Vipassana Meditation Course. I had signed up for one in January - but I needed my dr. to sign off on me going, and I knew he wouldn't so I didn't even ask. I wish to explore that side of my spirituality.

J has not been put down in 4 days now. He was up with craftymama all during the move, and just hasn't gone down yet. I know I know what that's like as that's very similar to how LittleR was when she was a baby. I know it's exhausting, and I wish there was something I could do. I don't really think there is though, I think it's just something he has to go through, and then it will pass, and then she will miss it. Parents are crazy like that.

SisterE and I are talking again, which is wonderful. I don't want to be estranged from my family. I have tried texting my mom but to no avail. I think I just need to give her more time, or something. She can't ignore me forever. Craftymama's dad and I, on the other hand, have been getting closer. I stay with him when I have to spend the night in Nanaimo, and he is always willing to help by picking me up and dropping me off at appointments. He has always been understanding of what's going on with me and never once judged me or made me feel like less of a person. It feels weird being close to someone else's parent in that way - where you depend on them, and grow to trust them. Apparently, he thinks of me like another daughter, which is nice to hear. He has become a valuable and much loved member of my family. He even helped us get this house! I honestly don't know what I'd do without him sometimes. Craftymama takes after him in a lot of ways, it's one of the reasons she is so awesome I'm sure.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Jove's Birthday! and Update

Jove in his birthday crown

J is one today. He has been with our family for a whole year now. It seems insane. I keep thinking about where our family was last year at this time, and how things were, and it's so difference. My what a difference a year makes!

J is almost walking, he can do it, I just don't think it's fast enough for him - when he wants to be somewhere else, he wants to be there now. He loves beans and chick peas, which is why we had chilli for dinner. Thankfully, he also absolutely adores muffins, which is what we traditionally have on first birthdays. Craftymama's parents came for the mini celebration which was nice. I wish we could have all the family together for something, but I can't actually remember if and when that has ever happened for us. Christmas is coming soon, and I guess we need to start thinking about and planning that.

I had a second interview at a paint place to be an office assistant and a bookkeeper. I think it went pretty well. I feel qualified for the job, and feel I would be a good match energy wise for the company - it's whether or not they feel the same. I was told today it is between myself and one other applicant. I should find out whether or not I got the job on Wednesday. It would be so nice not to have to stress about finances so damn much. It would also be a little exciting to do sales again. I do like talking to people and designing marketing campaigns and what not.

We went to the new house yesterday and I finally got to meet the owner. He is quite nice. He still doesn't have all of his stuff moved out or away yet, so we offered to help a bit which he gladly took us up on. We have to figure out who is sleeping where, and there is some debate about that. We also have to figure out what furniture we're bringing and what we are selling as it comes partially furnished. Craftymama and glassman want to move this Saturday - that seems so close. I don't feel prepared at all for this move. I don't think any of us do really.

I've been speaking with SisterE a bit over the past few days, and even saw my mom on Saturday while I was in Nanaimo. I want to reconcile with the both of them - I really do. But what I need is to feel that they actually realize that they said some hurtful things both directly to me and my family and to others that found its way back to us. Things like calling us stupid for having J, or saying they only want a relationship with some of my kids etc. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says things or makes judgements that turn out to be wrong or that we regret. When it comes to family though it's important to admit to those mistakes. I was hurt by some of their words. I want to move forward, but they need to admit some fault as well here.

My mental health hasn't been all that great lately. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and am doing some invasive treatment again as well as starting some new medications that should hopefully help. I really think getting a stable, good job would really help as well so that I could feel like I was contributing to the household, and so we aren't so worried about finances. I am constantly thankful that I have craftymama (and now glassman again) to help support me and hold me when I need it. I don't know how I'd manage without them.

All of my beautiful children