Monday, September 8, 2014

It's been forever!

Yes, it's been forever since I updated this blog. And I am sure no one is reading. But what I am sure of is that in however many years I will look back on these little tidbits of my life and smile, cry, and do all those things crazy mothers do when they look back into their pasts.

So we've moved. Do I like the new place? IDK. I like not being stressed that it's falling apart, like the last house, but it certainly does not feel like home. Not even in the slightest. The layout is weird, the landlord is weird, and, well, it's just not comfortable. Maybe it will be one day. Who knows how long we will be here, in the middle of no where, with no street lights in sight.

It's also time to be an adult and deal with the old house. We have someone who may be interested in doing a mortgage takeover; which would be handy. But there are so many things that need to be done, and deadlines from people that need to be met. When I think about the old house, and everything it has cost us: financially, emotionally, mentally - I wonder why any one ever buys houses in the first place. I don't want to ever do it again. I don't want to risk feeling the way I do now ever again.

Living with glassman has been an easy transition. I mean, I knew it would be. I've known the man for 24 years now, so it feels weird NOT living with him.

The Kids...

BigR started homeschooling today. He was excited about it over the summer, but seeing his friends at school (while dropping off the other kids) has made him have all the feelings an 8 year old can muster about this kind of situation. I think he will like the alone time with craftymama though, he has always thrived with one on one time, especially with her - a mama's boy at heart. He is really into pirates, and sword fighting. He and glassman often go outside in the evenings after the other kids are in bed and sword fight with glassman's martial arts sticks. They are really bonding - which is wonderful to see. He is a pretty moody 8 year old, which is normal I hear. He has found his voice, and uses it to talk back or argue - which is weird for me, because he has always been the soft spoken gentle one. He is still very precise and likes things a particular way, so I know now to touch his things - ever. His smile is infectious, and his eyes betray a wisdom far beyond his eight years. He can spend hours creating or listening to stories, and still holds childhood magic in his heart.

K is as social as social can be. She loves people. Let me elaborate...she loves adults. She would spend all of her time sitting with and listening into the conversations of any adult. She has no problems talking to them, no shyness, and no problems asking them embarrassing or personal questions. Her confidence in that regard is astounding. She has started grade 1 and loves it. She tells all of us, every day, about every little thing she has done that day - even going so far as to act out the actions of the story she heard, or display for us the movements she did in the gym. It can get exhausting to listen to, but I know she is just very excited and wants us to share in that excitement with her. She longs to know all the things that BigR already has learned, and loves nothing more than to mother J. She is already planning her wedding. She turns 7 this Wednesday. That's insane to me - that I've been doing this mothering thing for seven years already. She loves to help out around the house, including all chores. I have to be careful not to abuse that.

M  has grown so much over the summer - it's crazy! His coordination is leaps and bounds ahead of where it was before. He still expresses all his negative feelings in the form of anger, which can get exhausting, and demands physical exertion to keep him happy. He is a rough and tumble boy. He is still noise with dirt on it. But man oh man, can he be the sweetest thing in the world. Not too long ago he started to say "I love you" back to me when I would say it to him (so long as no one was around to hear it that is), and I tell you my heart damn near broke the first few times he said it. M doesn't let love or affection come out often, but when it does, I just melt. He is definitely going through the 6 year change. He has been saying things like, "it's not your life, it's mine" and "it can't help, it's just a blanket" (in reference to his blankie which has been a cherished, obsessed over object since birth for him). His dimples just seem to get deeper the older he gets, and I hope he never loses them. They can convey both trouble and joy. His anger can make him a challenge to parent at times, but at the end of the day when he snuggles up with his blankie, plants a big kiss on your cheek while giving you a squeeze hug - well, it just makes all the rage that day worthwhile.

LittleR is still weird and crazy and off. Whenever she sees a chicken she calls it a dinosaur. She, like most 5 year olds, goes immediately to cranky when things don't go her way. She has weird quirks - like her complete dislike of all muffins and raisins. She is still very much a mii mii's girl, and would stay on my lap all day if I would let her. She has a couple of best friends in school, who she absolutely adores, and which I think is so so cute. I often find myself wondering if this will turn into a friendship that lasts years and years; but I guess that depends on how long we are staying at the school. She is loud, and intense, and can stomp around the house like no body's business. There are times when I can't handle her screaming, and times when I have an endless amount of patience for her. She still screams, all the time, about everything. It's getting old. She always seems to be watching me though, and if I have even the tiniest bit of a cranky look on my face, she points it out and asks why. I have to be careful around her.

J. Little baby J. He is nearly 10 months old, and is cruising around furniture, getting into everything he can get into. The boy loves him some bananas, and green vegetables, and he is starting to get a taste for starchy and bready things. He is also a mama's boy, but I think that's normal for this age. He still sleeps in the bed with us, pressed up against craftymama or at least facing her. He hates to getting wrapped, but loves being up in a wrap. I really want to wrap him more. I keep saying and thinking that but I actually need to do something about that feeling. He has absolutely no fear of the water, which I love. He loves to get wet. A lot of people say he looks like Teo. He is obsessed with cars, and has been for months, which I think is quite young to have such a defined preference for toys - but here we are. He has been a wonderful addition to our family.

So yeah, that's pretty much us. I am going to try to post more often. I'll regret it if I don't.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Failure

So we are moving - this Saturday as a matter of fact. We met with a bankruptcy trustee, a realtor, and have been talking lots about what to do. What it comes down to is the fact that the house is eating us alive, even if I was working full time with a decent hourly wage - it's still not enough to cover the basic necessities of living there. We simply can't afford it. So we had a realtor out to do a walk through and give us an estimate, and after his fees and taxes we would still owe over $100,000 on the house, and the banks won't let us walk away with that high of a debt still owing on it. So really, what other option do we have other than to foreclose on the house, declare bankruptcy, and start again. I will admit that I feel pretty much like the ultimate failure at life here. it was my job to support the family, and not only did I lose my job back in February, but even if I was working, I still didn't make enough for us to survive there. Buying that house was the single biggest adult mistake we have made.

So we will have some credit ladder climbing to do. This will kill our credit (and our cosigners, who knows about this, and who is being so amazingly awesome that it nearly brings me to tears), and we will be fighting to get it back, and regain some sense of normalcy again. This is a chance to start over, start fresh, and get it right. We can come back from this.

The place we are moving into is a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom place on a huge piece of land. It needs some serious cleaning and fixing up, but we are okay with that. It's the same distance from the school, just in the other direction.

Speaking of school, R will be homeschooled next year, and we are going to see how grade 1 is for K. If it's awful we are going to pull all the kids out the following year. We don't want to keep trying and experimenting on the kids to see if it's going to work. That being said, I don't know that I am sold on homeschooling them all, but thankfully, we don't have to make that decision right now. That's a future problem - potentially.

Glassman has been coming out to our house more, and is helping us move and lay down new floor in the place and what not. It's weirdly comfortable having him around, and having three adults there is certainly nice. I do miss living with him, he was a permanent fixture in my life for so long that it's still weird that I don't see him every day.

Veganism goes all right. In fact, it's completely fine at home - it's when we see family. Others seem to think it is all right to undermine our food decisions, and critique them in front of the kids. What they don't realize is the kids complain about the food around them because they get a reaction. None of them actually really mind - especially K. They are enjoying trying new foods and new things. It's only when you point out what they are "missing out on" that they put of this fuss, and you can tell it's an act. It would just be really nice not to be belittled in front of the kids for our parenting choices. If you have a real issue with something we have decided to do, I would much rather be approached or called when the kids aren't around.

I am on the job hunt, and am finding that I am angry and upset at what  happened with my last job. I'm having a really hard time letting it go and I know I have to.

Those are the biggest updates that I can think of...

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Family Feud

My mom and I aren't talking, well that's not completely true, she isn't talking to me. She had said that craftymama isn't really having to deal with my depression; and I took offense to that for oh so many many reasons. I told my mom, respectfully, that I was hurt, and then she didn't speak to me. I wished her a happy Mother's Day, and when she didn't respond I asked what was up and she told me that she isn't talking to me because all she does is offend me. *sigh* I don't get it. I'm tired of fighting with her. All I want is to have a good relationship with her, she is my mom, I love her. I hate being at odds with her. I'm over it. I have so much going on in my life right now between my health issues (both mental and physical), my house, the kids, finances, etc etc that I don't need something else. I would love to have the type of relationship where I could talk to her about some of this stuff, instead I just feel like my family is an island - and maybe at first we didn't help matters in that regard, but family is always supposed to be there, especially moms.

On the plus side me and my sister E are talking again, and things seem to be going well. I'm appreciative of that. I just need her and craftymama to at least find some mutual respect for each other, but I can't make them. 

Saturday, April 26, 2014

And the beat goes on

So what's new in our little family? Ha Ha Ha little. Craftymama is going wrap crazy and wants to buy all the wraps. When she was with cableman, she was pretty much allowed to buy any wrap she fancied - now not so much. She just got one like 2 weeks ago and is already lusting after at least two more. I have a wrap for J, but I am also lusting after this rainbow wrap I saw before he was born but that wasn't released yet. It's now released and available nearly everywhere. I want it so bad. Craftymama said I'm allowed to get it if I wear J 20 out of 30 days. Wrapping and I are having a hard go of things. He is too big for me to wear comfortably on my front, and I just can't seem to get back wrapping down without major help. It's so infuriating. I hate having to learn things I already learned once before. But I so want this wrap, and I really do enjoy wearing him. I sing to him while we walk the dog, and craftymama helps me get him nice and high so I can see him just by turning my head. It's nice spending that one on one time with him.

I subbed in K's class yesterday as one of her teachers was away. I had oh so much fun. Everyone, and I mean everyone, tells me that teaching grades would be so much better for me, and that I'm more suited to it, but there is something about ECE, it just...oh it's just so special. I'm trying to go to the west coast institute for waldorf teacher training. It starts this July. The unfortunate thing is that student loans won't pay for it, and ha ha ha to me affording it. So I have asked for a sponsor, and am hoping for a positive response.

At this point in time I have no skills, and no usable education. I would be starting from scratch again. Supporting 5 kids and a partner with an entry level job is near impossible. I feel so useless, and frustrated.

I went into my old work the other day to pick up some forms that I needed for the government, they knew I was coming, and not one person came to say hi to me. Not one person talked to me. I just was given my papers and left. I gave my life to these people. I helped the company grow into what it is now. It hurt so badly. I know it's just business - and I know I have to shrug it off because in the grand scheme of life it doesn't really matter. I guess I just thought I meant more as a person, but I guess all I was was an employee, and now I'm no longer that. I have to move on. I am grateful for everything I learned about herbs, business, finances, and myself while I was there. Working there changed who I am, I wish them nothing but success.

There is a string of violence going around our house. The kids have taken on a mean streak and are hitting, punching, pushing, and kicking each other. I just can't stand it. I find I have less patience then I normally do lately, which I hate, but really, the violence needs to stop. I don't know what to do. Craftymama and I need to have a pow wow and get some parenting strategies for how to handle this.

The changes in our eating go all right. I hate many of the common vegetarian alternatives: beans, onions, mushrooms - so I'm probably having the biggest challenge. Craftymama and I differ on our beliefs. I believe humans were meant to eat meat occasionally - but produced ethically, and treated ethically while I live. The animals deserve respect, and that's what the mainstream industry doesn't give them. So I miss meat. I don't need or want it at every meal, but every once and a while it would be nice. I don't miss cows milk - I haven't liked drinking that stuff since I had K. We shall see what my family's food reality looks like in a few months when things get into more of a routine and we all find our balance.

We are talking about what our next house is going to be. Craftymama really wants to build it, and she has found this environmental way of building really heat effective houses our of straw bales. It would be interesting to build our own house. I'm not vehemently opposed to the idea. Of course, the first thing we have to do is figure out what we are doing with our current disaster of a house....

That's pretty much it for now. We aren't very exciting...

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Moving Forward

Craftymama and I are on our way to making changes in our family. We are moving to a more vegan-esque style of eating, much to the boys' dismay I'd imagine. She has planted things. She makes our own bread and rice milk - I just need to get used to it in my morning coffee. I depend on my morning coffee greatly.

I'm going to start running again, I did it once a couple of weeks ago, and it was hard - but it felt good. I need to shed this extra weight. I feel capable of making changes on a personal level so I need to act on that while it is is still here because I don't know how long it's going to last for this time around.

J is nearly mobile now, he pushes himself around on his belly when he is on the floor - though he spends most of the time in one of our arms. LittleR has entered a very attitudey place and I don't like it one little bit. She has always had the ability to press my buttons in a way none of the other kids can, and she is doing that. BigR is enjoying Spring Break away from school. He knows he is going to be homeschooled next year.

We were looking into the 4H program for him as an activity to do, and it is right up his alley. There isn't a program for his age group running in the cowichan area though, so we would have to start one. That's something I am considering. I have to stop assuming all group programs are going to be like the one I was in, because they won't be. I need to give it a chance.

We went to Victoria the other day for a day trip and had so much fun. We went to this neighbourhood called Fairfield, and it was so adorable and cute, and I would move there in a flash - even though I despise Victoria. I am still hoping we get to Salt Spring Island next week, craftymama has never been, and I'd love to take her and the kids.

Still trying to figure out what to do about the house, but decisions are coming. Sooner rather than later. Also trying to figure out what to do for work. We have some ideas, and if we could turn those ideas into actual money making things then we would be set. But, who says you have to work a 9-5 Monday to Friday job. We have done nothing else the normal way in our lives, why start now?

Monday, April 7, 2014

Happy Happy

I went to see my psychiatrist today, and having had such good results with the ECT already we decided on a tapering off and maintenance schedule. I will taper off down to once a month, and then go once a month until September, then we will see if the meds hold me. This excites me, and scares me. ECT is working, and I don't want to mess with that, but I don't want to fry my brain either. I have forgotten things, but thankfully Craftymama has been there to help me. I don't know what I would do without her. I have never had someone who gets me like she does in every sense of the word. I'm gonna hold on to her :)

We need to figure the mortgage stuff out, as well as figure out whether or not I am able to go to school to do my waldorf teacher training. It's not that I want to go back to work, I could very easily get used to not working and getting to be with everyone all the time, it's that I should go back to work. I am not trained or skilled in anything anymore. I could go back to my old job, but I don't honestly think they want me back. My degree, now 7 years old, is essentially useless, so I need to do something else. Being a teacher has always called to me in some way, and I would love the opportunity to teach in a Waldorf environment, it's suited to me I think.

Craftymama is busy planting a whole array of garden stuff, much to my chagrin. I mean, I want to grow our own stuff, and we have signed up for a local CSA, but I don't want to get anything established in the house we are at, because I don't want to be there for much longer. I want to find a way to get out of the house, into a place we love. The idea of communal living with another family really appeals to me, and there is a family I would definitely do that with, but how to approach that with them. That's where I see my family - living communally with this other family (who I won't name yet), and growing a lot of our own stuff. I'd teach, the male of that family runs a carpentry thing I think, and that's how we'd get by. I have visions, I have dreams, and the better and happier I feel the more I really want to make them a reality. It can happen. I know it can. 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

We Move On

Changes are coming all around to me and my family. Craftymama and I watched a movie about food that is completely changing the way we eat for the better. We are going to be making decisions soon on what to do about the housing situation we are currently in. I am going to try to go to the West Coast Institute for Waldorf Teacher Training. My ECT continues on, and things are improving, though the memory stuff is getting a bit harder. I woke up from my last session on Thursday and couldn't remember where I was or who was picking me up,.

I have picked up my knitting again, and I am toying with the idea of starting to run again. The surprising thing is neither of these thoughts overwhelm me. My thoughts aren't as negative and overbearing as they once were - it's a nice change.

BigR will be homeschooled next year, we need to order the materials, that's a firm decision. We have decided to stay in the area so the other kids can continue going to this school for as long as it's a good fit for them.

My sister, E, checks in on me after every ECT session, just to see how I am. It feels genuine, which is nice. This, in contrast, to my mother, who seems skeptical and not supportive of my decision to undergo shock therapy. I  know she is worried about me, but I just wish she could find a way to be supportive of my decisions - any of my decisions, ever.

J is getting so big. He is 4months old now, and is such a big baby. He is heavy to carry around, and with my muscle weakness from the ECT, I feel awful that I can't hold him for long periods of time. I wish I wrapped him more, I have a gorgeous Indio wrap that is just dying to hold a baby. I really really want a rainbow wrap, but I can't justify getting one when I hardly wear him with the one I have. I will regret this when he is older I know.