Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Balance

How do you balance spending time with your kids, and doing stuff for yourself? I work until 430p on weekdays, and don't usually get home until about 530p. Then there is usually dinner and what not, and my kids are so excited to see me - I never even make it up the stairs without them meeting me.

Today, after two failed morning attempts to go to the gym, I made a goal to run on our treadmill tonight - just to do something. I need physical exercise for a lot of reasons. I had a long ass day at work, and mentally/emotionally I was feeling like absolute shit. It was a really hard day. But as I got home, I saw J's bike that we had just got him sitting in essentially the same place it was when we took it out of the van two days ago. So, I thought to myself, I'll take him for a bike ride, and then I'll run. So I went in the house, got changed into running clothes, briefly spoke with Craftymama and took J out. We didn't last long as it was "hard and scary", but at least we got out there. It was also insanely hot outside, which made me not to run, but still, I was going to run.

So I get back inside, and am cooling off and K asks me to come into the living room so we can talk. She likes to talk. I tell her I am trying to motivate myself to go for a run. And then the guilt sets in. This child has not seen me all day, all she wants is to talk to me for a bit - how could I not talk to her? So, I go to the living room, and we talk. She tells me about her day, and her therapy appointment yesterday, and anything else she wants to say. It was nothing significant, but it was time spent with her. Then LittleR comes up and wants to do my makeup. The girls love doing my makeup and hair, and I remember doing my mom's hair as a kid, and it's a really fond memory for me. At first I say no, because, you know, I want to run. Then - more guilt. So I say sure, and she does - this time not drawing designs or unicorn horns on my face with mascara thankfully.

But by this point, I am feeling drained from the day and I have lost all motivation, and my mental/emotional fortitude is gone, and I know I need to be up and leave my house at 530a because I have a bet with a coworker. So I'm like fuck it, not running.

But then I just feel like shit. And I'm cranky and miserable, and in a mopey place. Craftymama - who is going for her own run after J is asleep, tells me I suck, and I know it's true. And I'm just done.

I went to my bed just before 8:00p, and just gave up entirely on the day. I'm frustrated. I'm done. And maybe sleep will reset me...

But really...how do I say no to my kids who just want my time in the evening when they haven't seen me all day? How is that fair to them? I will have years without them when they move out, these are the times when I need to be continuing to strengthen that relationship with them, and it feels wrong and selfish to not do it. I don't know. I'm cranky.

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