Thursday, August 10, 2017

The Struggle

I've written a lot about body image on my blog, and it's probably because it weighs heavily on my mind. (Oh and for what it's worth, I still have and wear my rainbow tiger bathing suit and my kids still love it).

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with loving and accepting my body. I've done a lot of things to try to make it the way I think it should be: anorexic and bullemic behaviour, severe calorie restriction, intense and frequent sessions at the gym, home workouts, various diets, isagenix (which actually was working and I enjoyed but it effected my mental health). Either nothing changes my body shape or I don't have the motivation to stick with it long enough to see a change.

I look back when I was in my mid twenties, and I remember hating myself then. I remember crying over the way I looked - and now I see pictures and I am floored with myself. I wasn't perfect (what is perfect), but I would love to look like that again.

Especially as of late I have been really struggling with the way I look. My hair is going through that awkward growing out phase, my weight is higher than I'd like it to be, my legs won't tan...a whole assortment of things. I actually intended to go to the gym tonight, to try to start something, but by the time I got home, and children, and household maintenance, I just didn't have it in me. But I know I need to find it. I know I would feel better.

I'm sure this is all happening right now because I'm still going through feelings of, "no one will ever love me again" and "why would anyone like the way I look, when I don't"....insert negative self talk here. And I'm starting, probably, a relationship with SS, so I'm questioning what he sees in me, and how he looks past my physical self (I know I'm attractive mentally lol).

I work with and I live with a lot of very very beautiful women. They are all  so gorgeous in their own unique way. Sometimes, it's hard not to compare myself directly to them (and I know I know, don't compare blah blah blah). But it's so hard not to. I've never been conventionally or uniquely beautiful - there is nothing about me that stands out. I am overwhelmingly average looking at best - and it sucks. But people have liked me - so I can't be that bad lol.

I need to find a way to love my physical self - whether that's through fixing my hair, or losing weight, or finding some of the increasingly popular body positivity movement love. I don't know, but I need to do something. Soon.

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