Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Okay Here It Goes....

I don't really know the best way to approach this, so I'm just going to word vomit all over this blog entry. update...last January, Craftymama came to the realization that she was gay, and ended things with Glassman. I was still with the both of them. Glassman concluded that he was not okay having an open or poly relationship (and that was something I wanted), so that ended things between him and I. Craftymama and I, if you recall, opened our relationship (through my many issues and insecurities). She met and began dating a woman, who I called PolyK. That was the last update I did last let's proceed shall we.

PolyK came over to our house one night and we all had drinks and nachos, and she ended up telling me that Craftymama loved me oh so much, and I would never lose her, and she just wanted to be my friend, and all that good stuff. We then hung out once at her place and watched a movie.

At the beginning of June of last year, I had my ceremony with the plant medicine I mentioned last entry. Thus began my transformative experience. On June 21 of last year, I met up with someone who I had been talking to for awhile on Tinder. We ended up sleeping together. I did not tell Craftymama what had happened right away. On the 23rd, I was supposed to meet up with him again and he didnt show, so I was upset. Craftymama asked why I was so upset, and I told her that we had slept together, and she was pissed. She felt lied to, and hurt and like I had cheated on her. I countered with the fact that she and PolyK had slept together and she hadn't told me about it for 3 weeks. We argued much. Craftymama decided she wanted to take a break, and get to know each other as friends again. So I agreed and we did that. It was awkward, and weird. She had been my wife for nearly 7 years, and we were back to...I don't know...awfulness.

So on July 18, I met a guy, I will call Handshake. I was on the rebound, I was trying new things, there were a bunch of red flags - I ignored them all, because...I'm an adult and I can make my own mistakes. Handshake was a liar, and a narcissist, and so not a good guy. But I learned a lot from my relationship with him. We dated until November of that year. His lies got ridiculous, I thoroughly stopped enjoying being around him, his rules were insane and restricting, and I realized I was worth more than that. He actually found me on Instagram a few months back and commented on some of my pictures (including one where he had taken me fishing), he's also texted me more than once. Unfortunately, he is still with his wife, or not wife, or whatever, unfortunately, still a liar and an asshole and something I'd like to forget. But hey - I learned things. So yay!

On July 25, while all of the above with Handshake was happening, Craftymama decided she was done with me. Didn't want to be on a break, she moved the kids' bedrooms around, and moved herself into her own room out of sharing a bedroom with Glassman and I. I was broken. So so broken, in so many ways. There were days I could not function. There were days I couldn't eat, and days I ate everything. It was awful, for a long time. I didn't fight to keep her, I just let her go. It felt like the right thing at the time, because why fight for someone who doesn't want to be with you, but I should have tried harder. So should have she.

At the beginning of August, Craftymama was set to go to Portland for an alternative education conference. She left, she called, said the car had died. It was a whole ordeal. She abandoned the car, came home and said she would deal with it. She never did, I confronted her, she admitted to me that she had never gone to Portland but had instead gone to Tofino to get away. I had already assumed she had gone somewhere else, but she said that she wouldn't have fessed up if I hadn't have caught her in the lie. It was at that moment that I realized how much our relationship had changed from a few months previous.

We had conversations as the months passed, they were often passive aggressive and mean. We were both trying to find a new normal, or if there even was a normal, or if we should even live together. It was a rough time. We made a plan to move out in July or August 2017.

So now we are in November 2016. Craftymama and PolyK are still going strong. I've broken up with Handshake and am now single for the first time in like 13 years - which was weird. Glassman isn't seeing anyone either.

Christmas of 2016 I honestly was so sad all day. It was so weird to be celebrating Christmas without her as my wife and Glassman as my husband. I cried a lot. I honestly felt that this would be the last Christmas we were all together.

It was about this time that Craftymama began talking to me about her relationship with PolyK. She told me about their struggles - with communication and arguing in a constructive way. We started to become friends again.

In March or so of 2017, Craftymama and I went for a tea leaf reading and the reader told us that she felt so much love between us. That we shouldn't be thinking of moving at the end of the summer, and that ending our relationship was not a smart thing to do. I told Craftymama that I didn't think we were done either, that I didn't know what the future held for us, but I knew we weren't over yet.

A few weeks go by and we talk again, and Craftymama tells me she still loves me, and is super confused about what she wants. She is monogamous with PolyK and doesn't want to mess that up. I tell her that I'm not waiting for her but I still love her.

So apparently telling her was a bad idea, because then I did realize how much I still loved her, and wanted to be in a relationship with her, and that sucked really hard. We began building a friendship, and we would talk and hang out off and on - like people do. She was usually more friendly with me when things weren't as good with PolyK, but I think I know why. It's nothing Craftymama is doing maliciously, I just think that as a Cancer, and an Introvert, and just being who she is, that she only has so much mental/emotional space for so many people. She just can't balance that many people, so she puts her energies into who needs her most: herself, the kids, her main relationship. I get that, and though I still felt a bit bitter from time to time - I wasn't as hurt by it anymore.

In May of this year, I started talking to a guy who I will call SS. He has definitely captivated me. He can handle the fact that I have a strong personality and I challenge him - and actually invites me to challenge his beliefs. He is a very blunt, honest person. Very open and accepting of himself. He's just a lot of fun to talk to. So he and I talked for a while, and then we met in June for the first time for coffee. I was feeling a little down and really didn't want to go, but I left that coffee date quite high on life. Since that day in June, I think we've talked every day. I've spent the night at his house (he's now gone until the beginning of September - which sucks, but we still talk). I quite like him. It's a little scary. But, I'll take things as they come.

Back to the timeline....towards the end of July, after my concert, things were really rough between PolyK and craftymama. We (mostly I), had a few drinks and we ended up cuddling and stuff, and talking life, and how much we fit together. And I asked her if this was just for that night, and if she would regret this in the morning. She said it wasn't, and we both knew that. *cue mega confusion*

Two days later, Craftymama is at PolyK's house (she spent Saturday nights there), and for a variety of reasons that are not my place to get into or dissect they end up breaking up.

Its been about a week and half since they broke up. Craftymama is devastated. She can't function, she can't eat, she feels lost. I completely understand those feelings. They, apparently, left things on good terms. There is some sort of waiting going on. They both don't want the other person to date anyone else. I don't really understand.

It feels confusing to me, because where does that leave me, you know? I have expressed to Craftymama my not wanting to be what she settles for, I want to be the choice. But this is her life, and she will do what is right for her. Like I said, I am not waiting for her, but she does have a place in my heart in that way for now. I am supporting her through her grief as best as I can manage, I remember what it's like to be there from when I lost her. Nothing can fix her, it's just a time thing. I hope she finds some peace for herself soon.

So there we are. Craftymama is single. Glassman is single. I am...somewhere in the middle? SS didn't want to start anything until after he was back from his trip, so at this moment we are nothing I guess. I don't know.

My life is weird.

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