Why is sexuality an okay thing to joke about or make fun of? The past week has shown me just how far we haven't come in all out accepting people who are different than our own.
I was sent to an all girls private school when I was 15. Apparently, and I play along too, that just leaves so many jokes available to my bisexuality. That I should have known, or others should have known. Apparently, growing up, my whole family suspected or knew I would be gay - and told my mom as such. Further - they made jokes that two out of 3 of her daughters were gay. I was made fun of - by my sisters. And one of my sisters was gay. I was taunted in elementary school when my sister came out, and all through high school because people thought I was a boy.
All of this through my development years. Since my change in sexuality, or embracing loving a woman - I have been going through these years of my life wondering that if I had been more supported, or if people had been more open minded then maybe I would have embraced my sexuality sooner. Maybe I never would have gotten married to glassman, or maybe I would have but would have explored my gay side a little more completely before getting married. I don't know what would have happened - but I can't help but feeling that I allowed myself to be oppressed to avoid all the stigma and all the negative attention that would have come from allowing myself to be publicly out.
Why are the jokes okay? Why do I play along with them like they don't bother me? Why don't I ever speak up? In highschool I can remember going home or being reduced to tears because people called me a boy or called me gay or whatever. Maybe it hit me so hard because I really was/am.
Even now, I have realized that I don't fit the typical girl attributes. I don't have a curvy figure, I am quite rectangular, I have the short butch haircut, I can't stand wearing tight fitting clothing. I am the butch lesbian - as horribly stereotypical as that sounds. If there is a male and female in lesbian relationships - I am clearly the male, and craftymama: the nail polish wearing, hair curling, primping one, is clearly the female. This fact bothers me.
But why does it bother me? I mean - I don't like wearing tight fitting clothing. It makes me feel large and uncomfortable. Nail polish makes me feel self conscious. I do like wearing makeup sometimes - but all in all I don't enjoy being that person. But part of me feels I must. I am a girl. This is what girls do. This is what girls look like, this is what a girl is. And I am a girl - aren't I? So the fact that I don't fit what the norm is, makes me so uncomfortable and so self loathing. I am not angry or resentful of Craftymama for doing those things - its who she is. I guess a part of me just wishes I was like that and because I am so uncomfortable in my own skin I am envious of the fact that she is so comfortable in hers.
I just want to feel comfortable. In the person I am, in how I look, how I dress, my own sexuality. I want to be able to walk down the street in the clothes that feel comfortable to me (even though I don't own them yet), hold craftymama's hand and not think of all the jokes and ridicule that are out there. I want to not feel like everyone was right growing up - even if they were.
Because how would they know my sexuality before me? And if they did, who were they to tell me or even more so make fun of me for it? Who were they to determine something before I had? Maybe if they hadn't have tried to force it on me I would have found out sooner, and maybe then I'd be comfortable in my own less than feminine skin now.
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