My Own Reassurance

Reassurance is so important in our relationship. Maybe it is in all relationships. Maybe before I didn't realize how vital it was to my happiness, but I certainly do now.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I need reassurance both from my partners, and from myself. Craftymama and Glassman are decent at this. I asked for assurance once, on an insecure day - and got it 50%. It wasn't complete because I wasn't specific in my needs - I need and have to be more specific. I went on a date the other night, and got some awesome assurance from the both of them before I left - it felt wonderful.

Crafymama also said the other night that when she is intimate with one of us, when the other is home, she needs overly abundant reassurance when they emerge from the bedroom, and that she would be able to tell if its genuine. Im happy she was able to articulate this need. For me, if I am intimate with Glassman, I think I would just want things to be "normal" no discussion or anything when we come out. I haven't had sex with Craftymama when Glassman has been home, so I'm not sure what I will need when that happens.

Also for me, when the two of them are together, I think I need reconnection time. I think anytime the two of them have a moment, or have extended time, or have sex - I need to feel reconnected to them when they are done. Like a sort of reassurance that "yes, we had this amazing time together - but we haven't forgotten about you". I don't think I have articulated this need to them yet. Sometimes they do it naturally, other times, I still feel separated from them.

But I dont control other people, and I cant simply rely on their reassurance to get me through difficult internal emotions.

I have some personal mantras. This is what a mantra is. I used them extensively during my pregnancy and birth of S, but not until now have I brought them back into my thinking.

I have visual ones: like picturing a particularly awesome or happy time with either one of them, but mine are usually verbal.

"What would I want them to be doing while I did _____" : I usually use this when I am doing something separate from them, and I have a twinge of negative emotion about what they are doing or could potentially be doing.

"It doesn't matter, I know how ___ feels about me" : Being new to poly, I sometimes have moments of regression where I doubt one's capacity to truly love more than one person. This is quickly resolved both when I realize that I love both of them, and when I say the above to myself.

"I can have it, if I want it" : I'm afraid of asking for the things I want. When I see one of them getting what I want, I remind myself that if I truly wanted it, I could have it - simply by asking.

"Compersion, not jealousy" : When I think I might be feeling jealous, I stop and tell myself to be secure enough to feel compersion, and have it override any jealous feelings.

Those are some of the one's I use, and I don't use them daily, but I use them when I need to, they work. Since I've noticed that these help I have found myself in a much calmer, more positive state.