I am reminded

I am reminded that families are a complicated thing.

Yesterday involved conversations between me and my mom, me and sisterN, me and sisterE, and me and Craftymama - all surrounding family and what that means and how we can treat them.

Craftymama is pretty straightforward here. She wants no negativity in our lives, no matter who that is coming from. She understands it may put me in a difficult position when it comes to my family, but can't handle exposing herself or the kids to that level of exclusion and negativity. I agree with her, but it isn't that easy.

Yesterday, N and E had long conversations full of personal attacks and hurtful words all because of something I am heavily involved in. Or at least that's how it started. They are no longer on speaking terms with each other, at least for the time being. Though given what I overheard was said I wouldn't be surprised if this lasts awhile.

E and I talked briefly, her trying to explain that the hurtful words directed at N were not of my concern and she did not mean them at me. I couldn't get across that I was offended on N's behalf, but that I knew they weren't directed at me.

N and I talked about said hurtful words and how she was taking them.

My mom and I talked about the whole situation, which I can't reveal yet, that got E and N into this in the first place. It was more a heated discussion than a talk. It ended with me being upset, and her feeling hurt I would imagine.

I read a blog today that essentially said our decisions are ours alone, and we cannot fault anything else for them.

Oh I agree with this. Our decisions are our own. However, sometimes we are backed into a corner and no other decision can be made. Or, sometimes we have to knowingly make a decision that is in our best interests but doesn't seem to benefit anyone else. That isn't being selfish, that is self-preserving. Sometimes we have to look after our own hearts, and the hearts of those who have been there for us, and make decisions we would rather not make. So yes, our decisions are our own - but that doesn't make them easy, nor does it make them wrong because it isn't the choice someone else would make.

I feel backed into a corner. There is drama unfolding all around me, and I am both the crux of the issue and the one who can do the most about it. I can chose to distance myself from those who are bringing toxins into my house, I can try to reason with the negativity or I can just let things be as they are. Really, I can't do the last. I have to make this work, or distance myself. My heart cannot take it, the kids cannot take it (though they know nothing about it), and Craftymama cannot take it anymore.

I don't know what to do here. I feel trapped within my own family. I just wish we could all be supportive and loving with one another instead of all of us always trying to prove that we are better or that our decisions were the right ones. None of us is better than the rest, we have all proven that over and over again. We have all made mistakes, we have all said hurtful things, we have all done each other wrong. We just all need to grow up, admit it, and stop treating each other this way!

School

So I got my registration and course information for my foundation courses for school. My foundation courses include:

Management and Strategy, Foundations of Marketing, Foundations of Economics, and Basics of Accounting and Quantitative Methods.

The first three I'm not really concerned about. I would love to learn some information around management, I have some experience in marketing, and economics...well..I won't lie I am a little concerned about that one. But I am really really concerned about the Accounting course. My brain doesn't think in numbers. It loves the social sciences, but has a hard time with numbers in the accounting sense. I am hoping it is indeed an intro course, and not one that has many math prerequisites. I mean, I did statistics and math and what not at Simon Fraser but that was going on 6-7 years ago, and I wasn't that proficient at it then.

Orientation is on June 24th - and that is when my tuition is due. I have to tell me boss the total, and then take the credit card for all the textbooks I'm going to need. Classes start on July2nd. I take two courses for a month, and then the second two courses for a month. It will be intense! But I'm looking forward to the workload - assuming it's understandable and that I am not completely lost.

R the toothless wonder

Oh my dorky looking R. He has now lost 5 teeth, two of them in the last week. As you can see he is missing his top two teeth. He looks quite funny in my opinion. The tooth fairy has been visiting often bringing treasures of rocks, mini books, toothbrushes and stickers. She is well appreciated.

That being said, R is beginning to question his belief in magic - proclaiming that there is no Santa Claus or the tooth fairy and that it's just us pretending. Though in the same breath, he will gladly believe in said fairy and not question anything as soon as he has lost a tooth.

He is getting to that age where magic is a little less real, and reality is a lot more believable. It's an awkward age. We don't want him influencing the other kids because we want them to enjoy the magic for as long as possible, yet he is at the age where we cannot outright lie to him because that just becomes deceiving. So far we have answered his questions without lying by asking him what he thinks and why he thinks that, but I think this year will be the last year for R believing in Santa Claus at Christmas. Then we will have to have a talk with him about letting the littler kids continue to believe. I don't think that will be too much to ask. My sister's didn't ruin it for me and let me find out in my own time, so maybe it's a sibling thing. Or a kid thing. Maybe they remember what it's like to believe in magic and don't want to ruin it, or maybe there is just enough threatening on the part of the parents so that they are afraid to tell ha ha ha ha.

The Ironic things in life

I was going to spend the night at my sisters house, but couldn't. Little did I know she planned a visit to Duncan today and is now sitting outside my house and no one but Andrea is there - and she isn't answering her phone.

I don't know if my sister and C will stick around until I get home - but I hope they do, I would love to see them.

I wonder where Andrea is, and what she is doing. Probably enjoying this child free time and sleeping - or knowing her probably doing some home reno project.

Just got a hold of her - she was indeed trying to sleep.

Man I hate having to come to Nanaimo every weekend, I do enjoy the extra hours on my paycheques that working Saturday brings, but I lose a whole day I could be visiting with family or spending at home.

Building, School, Work

I haven't forgotten to do a spotlight on K, I just don't have any K pictures that accurately display her personality. We have made some more progress in the bedroom. The dresser has been painted, and brand new purple flower knobs have been added. Baseboard and quarter-round has been added around the room, and of course, you can also see the painted floor in these pictures.

Dresser in alcove with window. 

Painted floor and baseboards. 

purple flower knobs

We need to add crown molding and figure out how to get our stuff to hang up in the closet. We don't have a rod in there, and have put the bigger dresser in there for our clothing. This smaller dresser holds some clothing as well, but there are two of us and we have a lot of clothes. I also need to get a picture of the artwork Craftymama hung on the wall near our bed, it is full of sentiments of love and partnership. It's a wonderful creation.

I start school June 24th, well that's orientation. I am so excited and so nervous. Getting my masters degree is a big deal. I am proud of myself for being eligible to attend and to go, but worried I won't actually be able to do the course work both because its hard and because of everything else that is going on. I am going to have to take 8weeks off of work to do the foundation courses before the actual Masters starts in September. I'm nervous about leaving work for that long as well.

We are going to be going to Toronto again, hopefully, to the Treating Yourself Expo. And this year we are intending to have a booth to sell our products - especially our hemp stem teas and chocolates. We are expanding our business and getting great investments so shows like these are important for exposure. While I am going Craftymama and Glassman man will be building a farmhouse table, though I don't think that one exactly. I can't handle the chaos building that will bring so they decided to do it while I am on the other side of the country for a weekend.

Other projects include painting the living room, the stairs, and doing the playroom, all by the end of summer. It's a tall order, but since when do we do anything easily?

Spotlight on LittleR

LittleR is the youngest of the bunch. She was born and didn't have a name for a few days. Glassman and I then named her S, but never used it, we always called her Squishy (which was a nickname I gave her right after she was born). With Craftymama's help we changed her name to R, and have never looked back. Now, we just need to legally change her name. 

She is the weird kid. She has boundless amounts of energy. She never quite grasps what is going on, and asks one hundred questions about what we are doing because she can never remember even when she has just been told. She calls the animals beautiful, and harasses them daily - especially our golden retriever Kobey. 

She is approaching 4years old, and weight nearly 30lbs. She is quite short. She is still in a rear facing carseat and will be until we have to turn her around - much to her dismay. She hates that she faces backwards. She has curly hair that is insane pretty much all the time - even when it has just been brushed. We recently cut about 4" off of it because it was getting unmanageable. 

She is a very passionate (read: angry) child. She screams about everything and anything. She is very proud and very stubborn - much like myself. She gets ashamed easily, and refuses to ask for help - also much like myself. 

She also is becoming one the sweetest kids, she will randomly pull out the I Love You's, even when she is not trying to get something, and gives the cutest hugs - though not as big as M's. 

She has a thing about getting dressed, often putting on the weirdest of clothing choices, and mostly not appropriate for weather conditions. 

She challenges me as a parent daily, and frustrates me to know end, but she holds a soft spot in my heart. 

a shirt, dress, and vest - with jeans. So special. 

Spotlight on Craftymama

This is my stunning and breath taking partner Andrea. I wanted to include her in my spotlights because she, like the kids, is integral to my happiness, and is a vital person in my life. I wouldn't be the person I am if it weren't for her. She has helped me in so many ways, and been there with me through my struggles, and continued to love me through everything. She is an amazing woman. 

I won't post her age here, like I did for the kids, because I know she is having a bit of an identity crisis about that. She feels old, even though she is younger than myself. 

She is driven, and she is passionate. She has goals that she wants to accomplish and does everything in her power to make sure they happen. Her dreams are big and lofty but most of the time she succeeds in achieving them. 

She has found a love of renovating and restoring our house and that love surpasses her love for crafting. She used to sew or knit all the time, and was always creating things with her hands. Well, she still creates things with her hands but now they hold power tools instead of knitting needles. She has built or done pretty much all the renovation projects in our house. She is our resident handy person. 

She has a fierce love of her home, kids, and family traditions. A true Cancer she is. She would lay down her life, easily, for the kids, and attempts to make each holiday and each day special for them in some way. She is an amazing at home mom, and I honestly don't know how she manages the four kids and their schedules the way she does. 

She is my soulmate, my greatest love, and I am the luckiest person in the world to have someone as special as she is. 

Us from last night

Spotlight on M

That's our M. Can you see the trouble in his face? He is nearing 4.5 and is a big kid. He is approaching 50lbs and is almost, almost, as tall as BigR. 

I held M when he was mere hours old, and though he was a funny looking baby, in my opinion, he had the sweetest eyes and a calm disposition. Half of that has changed. He still has the sweetest eyes. They light up a room, and they are an instant tell as to when he is upset or sick. He takes after me in that way. His disposition, on the other hand, isn't so calm anymore. 

This kid is busy! All. The. Time. He has a fierce love for cars, and his blankie (which Craftymama knit for him while pregnant). He loves to race his cars, and asks us all the time which car we want to be in. He is thrilled when we see diggers, firetrucks, or concrete mixers on the road. The boy also plays hard. He is always the first kid to get messy outside, the one who has no qualms about playing in the rain, and genuinely loves to play out doors. 

He has found a new love of geocaching, and does it at least twice a week in any weather condition. Just the other day it was mad hailing, and pouring rain but still M wanted to go. So off he went with Cableman and after a long walk and some searching he returned with treasures for the other kids, but not himself. 

That's the thing about M, though he is trouble, gets into everything, and never stops moving he is the first to share any of his toys, and wants so desperately for his brother and sisters to be happy. He gives the biggest of hugs, and the warmest of snuggles. 

The boy stole my heart a long time ago, and no matter how much trouble he may be, I know he is going to grow up to be a man full of passion. 

M with his latest geocaching treasure. 

Spotlight on BigR

R is our oldest. He is approaching 7, oh my goodness! I remember when this boy was a tiny little nearly two year old who loved to play with cars, and said " car car " all the time. I remember how quietly and independently he would play. I remember his fierce love for his mama, and most of all I remember how sweet and innocent he was as a young toddler. 

As R got older, he hasn't lost that fierce love for his mama. His games are a little louder - though they still involve cars. 

He is definitely going through that six-year change/first puberty that everyone at school has been warning us about. He has lost his teeth, and is coming into himself, and through that he has an intense need to be heard and for things to go his way. He can be, and is moody. He has strong preferences, but his sensitive side causes him to overreact to most situations - both in the good and bad way. 

He is making adorable little friends at school, and is even going to be proposing to one at school today (they are back from spring break today), and even made a ring for her. Watching him grow socially has been amazing for me, because he is so shy and reserved at home. To know and to witness him coming out of his shell in this way is awesome. 

At nearly 7 R still hates almost lasanga, stiry fry, or any cooked vegetables. He still wears a diaper at night. He now insists on privacy when getting changed or going to the bathroom. He weighs about 50lbs, and is still in a 5-point harness for safety. 

R and I had the hardest time developing a relationship. I think part of him blamed me for cableman's absence. Which is fine, and was expected. But now we have blossomed into this wonderful little niche. He gives me hugs and snuggles, and is genuinely excited to see me and tell me things. I don't think he blames me anymore - though we shall see if he does come teenager time. 

This is the outfit he picked out to propose to his 'girlfriend' in. 

The Bedroom

Andrea finished the bed! (and painted the floor, though I have no pictures of it!). It took the both of us to get the big mattress upstairs - it's a king sized and a very narrow, low stair case. We pretty much had to bend the mattress in half and then push and pull it slowly and painstakingly up the stairs. But we did it!

We slept in the room for the first time last night, and it was so nice to look out the window and see trees, and actual things rather than a 6ft fence that we saw out of our downstairs bedroom window.

Of course the downstairs bedroom is quite a mess, and still has our clothes and things in it, but we are working on moving that all upstairs. There is no room for an actual dresser in the bedroom so we have a closet organizer and are going to some how get all of our clothes in that. I still don't know how we are accomplishing this.

All that's left to do is the closet, trim, a few touch up painting spots, and new light fixtures. It's all slowly coming together.

Holy Shit

Do you know what this is?
This is akin to an acceptance letter from VIU saying I got into school. Holy Shit!
Now to see if all the stars align and I can actually go.