I am reminded

I am reminded that families are a complicated thing.

Yesterday involved conversations between me and my mom, me and sisterN, me and sisterE, and me and Craftymama - all surrounding family and what that means and how we can treat them.

Craftymama is pretty straightforward here. She wants no negativity in our lives, no matter who that is coming from. She understands it may put me in a difficult position when it comes to my family, but can't handle exposing herself or the kids to that level of exclusion and negativity. I agree with her, but it isn't that easy.

Yesterday, N and E had long conversations full of personal attacks and hurtful words all because of something I am heavily involved in. Or at least that's how it started. They are no longer on speaking terms with each other, at least for the time being. Though given what I overheard was said I wouldn't be surprised if this lasts awhile.

E and I talked briefly, her trying to explain that the hurtful words directed at N were not of my concern and she did not mean them at me. I couldn't get across that I was offended on N's behalf, but that I knew they weren't directed at me.

N and I talked about said hurtful words and how she was taking them.

My mom and I talked about the whole situation, which I can't reveal yet, that got E and N into this in the first place. It was more a heated discussion than a talk. It ended with me being upset, and her feeling hurt I would imagine.

I read a blog today that essentially said our decisions are ours alone, and we cannot fault anything else for them.

Oh I agree with this. Our decisions are our own. However, sometimes we are backed into a corner and no other decision can be made. Or, sometimes we have to knowingly make a decision that is in our best interests but doesn't seem to benefit anyone else. That isn't being selfish, that is self-preserving. Sometimes we have to look after our own hearts, and the hearts of those who have been there for us, and make decisions we would rather not make. So yes, our decisions are our own - but that doesn't make them easy, nor does it make them wrong because it isn't the choice someone else would make.

I feel backed into a corner. There is drama unfolding all around me, and I am both the crux of the issue and the one who can do the most about it. I can chose to distance myself from those who are bringing toxins into my house, I can try to reason with the negativity or I can just let things be as they are. Really, I can't do the last. I have to make this work, or distance myself. My heart cannot take it, the kids cannot take it (though they know nothing about it), and Craftymama cannot take it anymore.

I don't know what to do here. I feel trapped within my own family. I just wish we could all be supportive and loving with one another instead of all of us always trying to prove that we are better or that our decisions were the right ones. None of us is better than the rest, we have all proven that over and over again. We have all made mistakes, we have all said hurtful things, we have all done each other wrong. We just all need to grow up, admit it, and stop treating each other this way!