Wednesday, September 23, 2015

My Weekend and my Chaos

So we all know I am diagnosed Bipolar II and Borderline Personality Disorder. Through the course I've what I just learned was 18 different medications, 4 forms of therapy, and at least 14 ECT sessions I found balance. That balance became waivered and last week I entered a depression and began hearing voices. I alerted my psychiatrist to this right away and he prescribed some medication which I reluctantly began taking. Two days after starting it the voices went away but mania set in. I was manic for a few days and it was fun, it always is. Then it got out of hand. I took 4mg of ativan in a 2.5 hour time frame and it did little to slow me down. My family needed to sleep so I was taken to the hospital where I was essentially sedated for the next 20 hours. I spent 2 nights in the hospital, from Friday until Sunday and when I told them I was not ready to go home because I still felt agitated and the beginnings of a depression (which is common after a manic episode), and I didn't think that was a good combination - they let me go anyways.

So Sunday, I went to a Nanaimo Free Learners event being held downtown and talked to some people about children's rights to education. That served well to distract me enough from what was coming. But it came. I have entered a depression again. I am working with a therapist and we are getting to the roots of my beliefs about myself - a lot of which originated in childhood. No I wasn't abused or anything in childhood, frankly, I had a pretty good childhood. But I was subject to a lot of negative talk directed towards me by people who were supposed to be my friends and people who were in trusted positions. The messages they sent to me are what I now believe about myself. I now have to work at re-hard wiring my brain so I no longer fall to those apparently faulty notions about myself. That will take work and I am not there yet.

My work is struggling. I have had to take a a few days off and I have not caught up and have not had the motivation to catch up. I am terrified of losing this job like I did at Salvation Botanicals because of my illness. I have been forthcoming with my bosses as well as my coworkers as to what's going on with me, and I am hoping they continue to understand. I am also hoping this passes really really soon.

I have been in some pretty dark places in the last 4 years, and I am scared of going back there. I am scared I'm heading there now - and I know I will if I don't do something. Problem is I don't know what to do. I can only distract myself so much. I can't rely on the medication, which are not completely working. I only see my therapist every two weeks, and the work we do takes time and is slow. I need tools and resources now. I see my psychiatrist on Friday, so there is that. I like him, he has been with my from the beginning. Craftymama and Glassman continue to support me, and I continue to be open with my kids so that they both know I am struggling and can see me working to improve, not giving up - that's an important lesson for them. Of course, I don't give them the scary details, but they do know that my brain thinks differently than theirs, and sometimes I think bad thoughts which make it hard for me to do things, and sometimes I have to go to the hospital to get help. I think that's good for their ages.

So I am hoping not to stay in this mind set for long. I am hoping it just passes or I find something I can do. In the mean time, I am surviving day to day - moment to moment - and sometimes that's all I can do.

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