I've never really worked hard at school. It's always come relatively easy for me - and for that I am both grateful and extremely lucky. I took it for granted. I never felt like I ever had anything really to prove to anyone. I was satisfied with passing, happy when I got a B and was honestly used to getting A's. I just never cared all that much.
With this MBA program, I actually care. I feel like I have something to prove to my employer - who is sponsoring me, and to myself. I feel like I need to prove to my employer that I am worthy of being sponsored, and that I will earn it by working harder and applying what I learn. I need to prove to myself that I am capable of going back to school at 28, and capable of doing well. I knew these courses and this program would challenge me. I was looking forward to that.
I am not used to challenges like this. Not only does my brain not think in terms of economics, but it has a difficult time remembering the stuff I am able to comprehend in the first place. Economics is hard. Not just the formulas and graphs to remember, but also the concepts. They just seem so above my thinking level.
I actually completed the recommended homework, as much as I could grasp. I paid attention in class, sat at the front, and took notes. I read the textbook - again and again. When I couldn't grasp the concepts before the midterm, I made an appointment with the professor to seek help, he gave me 10 minutes of his time and told me I needed to understand the concepts better. As a last ditch effort for the midterm, I committed to memory as many of the formulas as I could, and guessed on the rest - I past with a 72%. I didn't feel that I knew 72% of the information, I felt like I had gotten lucky.
For the remainder of the class, which was only two weeks from the time of the midterm to the time of the final (the class is a semesters worth condensed into four weeks of learning), I tried harder. I looked over the notes of my classmates. I worked extremely hard, and with much focus on my group presentation - which I actually think I did well on, more so because I am a great public speaker, and I am proud of that. I studied.
I never study. I put my music on, as I can focus better with music playing, sat down at the table and spent my entire evenings studying. I didn't knit a single stitch. I spent no time with Craftymama. I began to understand some of the graphs. The concepts were becoming a little clearer. The formulas no longer seemed to be written in another language.
Then, today, I had the final. And it was the worst exam I have ever written in my entire life. It was so difficult. Even in talking with my other colleagues afterwards, we all agreed that it was especially challenging.
I took my time. I really thought about each question. Problem was, the concepts, formulas, and graphs I had worked so hard on - were nowhere in the final. I realized afterwards that I wrote about the wrong topic for my essay question. I simply couldn't answer one of the long answer questions.
If I fail this class I don't get into the MBA program. I have to pay my boss back for the money he has invested so far. Potentially the worst thing is that I will have disappointed my boss and even myself.
I honestly tried my best, and my best really doesn't feel like it's going to be good enough.
I don't know the results yet, and I am slightly afraid to.
It's not a true failure if you try your best. Or so I am told.
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