Craftymama asked me last night why I was so upset that glassman was moving out. After all, our relationship as husband and wife has been over for 2 years. We haven't been a couple in that long. That really made me think. Why am I so upset? Why does it matter if he moves out? Shouldn't I be more sad for the kids than I am for myself?
Well yes, I am sad for the kids - all of them. They all, rightly so, see Glassman as a father figure, and I am devastated that they won't have him around every day. But I also know that kids are resilient, and they will persevere. They will adapt. Kids adapt quickly and find a new way to be happy in the moment. I am not worried that they will hate me when they are older because I followed my heart in being with craftymama, and I never once have chased him away - in fact I welcomed him to stay. I am not sad that my kids will grow up in two homes. I know this bothered craftymama when cableman left, because she grew up in two homes and it was awful. I never had that experience. My experience was with an absentee father - so having any father in their lives is a bonus.
But I *am* sad for me. I am upset because this is the end of an era. Glassman and I have been living together for 9 years - that's one third of my life. I know his quirks, he knows mine, we have inside jokes, we get along, we understand what it's like to live together. Not that craftymama doesn't understand what it's like to live with me - she probably does better than he does, but it's still hard going from living with someone for 9 years, seeing them every day, sleeping in the same house, having dinner together - to only seeing them when you drop the kids off. There will be no more seeing him every day - and that hurts my heart.
I am upset because this is also the end of a good friendship. Yes, we will continue to be friends but because we will only see each other during drop off and pick up there is no way to maintain the friendship the same way it is now. He has been my good friend since grade 9 (though he treated me like crap for 2-3 years we were still friends). Having that relationship end is hard for me. It's like losing your best friend, losing a piece of yourself. Craftymama is the best friend I have, but glassman is up there too. I will miss that friendship we have.
I am also upset because it is the loss of a many year conquest. I told his mom is grade 2 that I was going to marry him one day. I know we aren't together - but his moving out is like a final loss to this whole saga. I never, ever, thought we would get back together, and don't even want to get back together with him, but the moving out is like the final nail in our marriage coffin; well I guess second to last nail, the last one being when we sign the divorce papers.
I am worried because we depend on him for things done around the house, we often say "that's a glassman job," and now he won't be here to do it. Who is going to pick up the slack - I know we will, but it was so easy to rely on him, I have come to rely on him - probably in my error, but now that reliance will be cut off.
Most of all - I will simply miss him.
No comments:
Post a Comment