Family Feud

My mom and I aren't talking, well that's not completely true, she isn't talking to me. She had said that craftymama isn't really having to deal with my depression; and I took offense to that for oh so many many reasons. I told my mom, respectfully, that I was hurt, and then she didn't speak to me. I wished her a happy Mother's Day, and when she didn't respond I asked what was up and she told me that she isn't talking to me because all she does is offend me. *sigh* I don't get it. I'm tired of fighting with her. All I want is to have a good relationship with her, she is my mom, I love her. I hate being at odds with her. I'm over it. I have so much going on in my life right now between my health issues (both mental and physical), my house, the kids, finances, etc etc that I don't need something else. I would love to have the type of relationship where I could talk to her about some of this stuff, instead I just feel like my family is an island - and maybe at first we didn't help matters in that regard, but family is always supposed to be there, especially moms.

On the plus side me and my sister E are talking again, and things seem to be going well. I'm appreciative of that. I just need her and craftymama to at least find some mutual respect for each other, but I can't make them. 

And the beat goes on

So what's new in our little family? Ha Ha Ha little. Craftymama is going wrap crazy and wants to buy all the wraps. When she was with cableman, she was pretty much allowed to buy any wrap she fancied - now not so much. She just got one like 2 weeks ago and is already lusting after at least two more. I have a wrap for J, but I am also lusting after this rainbow wrap I saw before he was born but that wasn't released yet. It's now released and available nearly everywhere. I want it so bad. Craftymama said I'm allowed to get it if I wear J 20 out of 30 days. Wrapping and I are having a hard go of things. He is too big for me to wear comfortably on my front, and I just can't seem to get back wrapping down without major help. It's so infuriating. I hate having to learn things I already learned once before. But I so want this wrap, and I really do enjoy wearing him. I sing to him while we walk the dog, and craftymama helps me get him nice and high so I can see him just by turning my head. It's nice spending that one on one time with him.

I subbed in K's class yesterday as one of her teachers was away. I had oh so much fun. Everyone, and I mean everyone, tells me that teaching grades would be so much better for me, and that I'm more suited to it, but there is something about ECE, it just...oh it's just so special. I'm trying to go to the west coast institute for waldorf teacher training. It starts this July. The unfortunate thing is that student loans won't pay for it, and ha ha ha to me affording it. So I have asked for a sponsor, and am hoping for a positive response.

At this point in time I have no skills, and no usable education. I would be starting from scratch again. Supporting 5 kids and a partner with an entry level job is near impossible. I feel so useless, and frustrated.

I went into my old work the other day to pick up some forms that I needed for the government, they knew I was coming, and not one person came to say hi to me. Not one person talked to me. I just was given my papers and left. I gave my life to these people. I helped the company grow into what it is now. It hurt so badly. I know it's just business - and I know I have to shrug it off because in the grand scheme of life it doesn't really matter. I guess I just thought I meant more as a person, but I guess all I was was an employee, and now I'm no longer that. I have to move on. I am grateful for everything I learned about herbs, business, finances, and myself while I was there. Working there changed who I am, I wish them nothing but success.

There is a string of violence going around our house. The kids have taken on a mean streak and are hitting, punching, pushing, and kicking each other. I just can't stand it. I find I have less patience then I normally do lately, which I hate, but really, the violence needs to stop. I don't know what to do. Craftymama and I need to have a pow wow and get some parenting strategies for how to handle this.

The changes in our eating go all right. I hate many of the common vegetarian alternatives: beans, onions, mushrooms - so I'm probably having the biggest challenge. Craftymama and I differ on our beliefs. I believe humans were meant to eat meat occasionally - but produced ethically, and treated ethically while I live. The animals deserve respect, and that's what the mainstream industry doesn't give them. So I miss meat. I don't need or want it at every meal, but every once and a while it would be nice. I don't miss cows milk - I haven't liked drinking that stuff since I had K. We shall see what my family's food reality looks like in a few months when things get into more of a routine and we all find our balance.

We are talking about what our next house is going to be. Craftymama really wants to build it, and she has found this environmental way of building really heat effective houses our of straw bales. It would be interesting to build our own house. I'm not vehemently opposed to the idea. Of course, the first thing we have to do is figure out what we are doing with our current disaster of a house....

That's pretty much it for now. We aren't very exciting...

Moving Forward

Craftymama and I are on our way to making changes in our family. We are moving to a more vegan-esque style of eating, much to the boys' dismay I'd imagine. She has planted things. She makes our own bread and rice milk - I just need to get used to it in my morning coffee. I depend on my morning coffee greatly.

I'm going to start running again, I did it once a couple of weeks ago, and it was hard - but it felt good. I need to shed this extra weight. I feel capable of making changes on a personal level so I need to act on that while it is is still here because I don't know how long it's going to last for this time around.

J is nearly mobile now, he pushes himself around on his belly when he is on the floor - though he spends most of the time in one of our arms. LittleR has entered a very attitudey place and I don't like it one little bit. She has always had the ability to press my buttons in a way none of the other kids can, and she is doing that. BigR is enjoying Spring Break away from school. He knows he is going to be homeschooled next year.

We were looking into the 4H program for him as an activity to do, and it is right up his alley. There isn't a program for his age group running in the cowichan area though, so we would have to start one. That's something I am considering. I have to stop assuming all group programs are going to be like the one I was in, because they won't be. I need to give it a chance.

We went to Victoria the other day for a day trip and had so much fun. We went to this neighbourhood called Fairfield, and it was so adorable and cute, and I would move there in a flash - even though I despise Victoria. I am still hoping we get to Salt Spring Island next week, craftymama has never been, and I'd love to take her and the kids.

Still trying to figure out what to do about the house, but decisions are coming. Sooner rather than later. Also trying to figure out what to do for work. We have some ideas, and if we could turn those ideas into actual money making things then we would be set. But, who says you have to work a 9-5 Monday to Friday job. We have done nothing else the normal way in our lives, why start now?

Happy Happy

I went to see my psychiatrist today, and having had such good results with the ECT already we decided on a tapering off and maintenance schedule. I will taper off down to once a month, and then go once a month until September, then we will see if the meds hold me. This excites me, and scares me. ECT is working, and I don't want to mess with that, but I don't want to fry my brain either. I have forgotten things, but thankfully Craftymama has been there to help me. I don't know what I would do without her. I have never had someone who gets me like she does in every sense of the word. I'm gonna hold on to her :)

We need to figure the mortgage stuff out, as well as figure out whether or not I am able to go to school to do my waldorf teacher training. It's not that I want to go back to work, I could very easily get used to not working and getting to be with everyone all the time, it's that I should go back to work. I am not trained or skilled in anything anymore. I could go back to my old job, but I don't honestly think they want me back. My degree, now 7 years old, is essentially useless, so I need to do something else. Being a teacher has always called to me in some way, and I would love the opportunity to teach in a Waldorf environment, it's suited to me I think.

Craftymama is busy planting a whole array of garden stuff, much to my chagrin. I mean, I want to grow our own stuff, and we have signed up for a local CSA, but I don't want to get anything established in the house we are at, because I don't want to be there for much longer. I want to find a way to get out of the house, into a place we love. The idea of communal living with another family really appeals to me, and there is a family I would definitely do that with, but how to approach that with them. That's where I see my family - living communally with this other family (who I won't name yet), and growing a lot of our own stuff. I'd teach, the male of that family runs a carpentry thing I think, and that's how we'd get by. I have visions, I have dreams, and the better and happier I feel the more I really want to make them a reality. It can happen. I know it can. 

We Move On

Changes are coming all around to me and my family. Craftymama and I watched a movie about food that is completely changing the way we eat for the better. We are going to be making decisions soon on what to do about the housing situation we are currently in. I am going to try to go to the West Coast Institute for Waldorf Teacher Training. My ECT continues on, and things are improving, though the memory stuff is getting a bit harder. I woke up from my last session on Thursday and couldn't remember where I was or who was picking me up,.

I have picked up my knitting again, and I am toying with the idea of starting to run again. The surprising thing is neither of these thoughts overwhelm me. My thoughts aren't as negative and overbearing as they once were - it's a nice change.

BigR will be homeschooled next year, we need to order the materials, that's a firm decision. We have decided to stay in the area so the other kids can continue going to this school for as long as it's a good fit for them.

My sister, E, checks in on me after every ECT session, just to see how I am. It feels genuine, which is nice. This, in contrast, to my mother, who seems skeptical and not supportive of my decision to undergo shock therapy. I  know she is worried about me, but I just wish she could find a way to be supportive of my decisions - any of my decisions, ever.

J is getting so big. He is 4months old now, and is such a big baby. He is heavy to carry around, and with my muscle weakness from the ECT, I feel awful that I can't hold him for long periods of time. I wish I wrapped him more, I have a gorgeous Indio wrap that is just dying to hold a baby. I really really want a rainbow wrap, but I can't justify getting one when I hardly wear him with the one I have. I will regret this when he is older I know.

Hope

I had my second ECT treatment on Thursday. It went much better. I wasn't sobbing or hysterical. I was calm and collected. I asked questions this time: like about whether or not you need training to actually do ECT (no, it isn't mandatory, by the Dr. doing mine is certified). I was coherent enough right when I woke up to be able to tell them, when they asked me, what meds I was on and what dosages I was taking. It was weird to not be so confused. The headache started nearly instantly, and the body aches never completely went away from the first time - but I am kind of used to them now and don't really notice them unless I pick up the kids, or carry heavy things. The amazing thing was on my drive home the next day I starting crying. For the first time in an insanely long amount of time I felt happy. Like truly happy. It was overwhelming. The feeling lasted for about 6 hours, and then I returned to my usual state - but it gives me hope. I haven't had a lot of hope lately.

I've been thinking about my old job. I've been wondering if they actually want me back or if this medical issue of mine was just a convenient excuse for them to fire me without having to feel too guilty about it. I am still incredibly...hurt? I don't know at no longer being there. I honestly felt like it was my baby too. If it ever gets to where we intended it to be, it's going to be hard for me not to be involved. I don't know that I'll go back. It won't be the same. I will always feel looked at. I doubt they will ever give me any major responsibility because they will be afraid it will overwhelm me. I don't want to be treated with kid gloves. I will miss them. They were truly like a family to me.

It's time now to start thinking about what I and we are going to do next. Where do we want to live? How do we want our lives to look? We both know that living the 'typical' 'expected' 'normal' lifestyle didn't really make either of us happy. We want to get back to the basics. We don't really know what that looks like. We are currently trapped in this house, and stuck waiting to see if I've been approved for both the capitalization program through our mortgage company and for disability benefits. We are in limbo and it's very difficult to make plans.

Several people have again thrown the idea of being a waldorf teacher at me. I am considering it. But there still is the issue of paying for tuition and books and what not. I can't take out student loans for it. I need to figure something out, and soon.

First ECT Treatment

I had my first ECT treatment yesterday. I was beyond scared. I was sobbing like a baby, and I still couldn't catch my breath by the time they put the oxygen mask on me and put me under.

My anesthesiologist was the roughest man in the world. I think he blew the vein in my hand. The psychiatrist was supremely nice and did her best to calm me down while they were prepping me by talking to me about Jamaica.

I woke up and was completely confused. The only thing I could focus on is the fact that I didn't know who was picking me up and where I was going. They told me it was Craftymama's dad. Eventually I was ready to go, and I do not remember the drive back to his house at all. I remember he made me a salad and it hurt to touch my teeth together to chew. He asked me about our van fiasco from earlier in the week and I couldn't remember it happening at all for a bit. Him and his wife offered to drive me home, and I accepted. Going to sleep in my own bed sounded nice.

Today I am sore from head to foot. My bones and my muscles ache tremendously, and my headache has been growing in intensity all day. It also is difficult to swallow, which I will bring up with them on Thursday before my next session, I don't think that's usual.

I go back Thursday afternoon for my next treatment, and every Monday and Thursday after that for 5 weeks total. Obviously, after the first one there isn't any emotional change. Craftymama's dad will be my ride and my housing during treatments as I can't drive myself home until the day after I have them. They are good people. They called me family, and told me to stop thanking them for helping me.

I am hoping on Thursday that I am not nearly as scared and nervous as I was yesterday. I am hoping I see some good out of shocking my brain. Hope is something that I haven't had for quite some time.