From Dark to Light

My dad is officially in the ground. I wasn't there. I should have been there. My heart is heavy today. I want someone to hug me, I want to tell people that my dad just died, and how awful it is. Unfortunately, we don't live in a culture where the expression of grief is met with open arms - instead it is met with awkward stares and silence.

Craftymama is 38 weeks 2 days pregnant now. The midwife was surprised to see us on Monday, and says she will be shocked if we make it to our 39week appointment next Monday. I keep my phone close at hand at all times waiting for a text from Craftymama to come home because it is happening. That is going to be one of the longest drives in the world. I will try not to speed or be too distracted.

BigR is having a rough time at school. There were numerous problems with his teacher, who ended up quitting and now they are left without a teacher. This kid needs the most stability out of all the kids we have, and he is the one who has the least at school. I mean, I get it, Waldorf teachers are probably harder to find then regular teachers, but at the same time - this is a private school, we are paying for our children to go to this school, and I think, as a result, we should be able to expect certain things. It is not the school's fault that the teacher quit, it's just a frustrating as a parent for things to be so up in the air. We have considered pulling him from school at least until things are settled into a routine and there is consistency there.

I am doing better, emotionally. I met with my professor for the MBA class I am taking, and we agreed to a slightly different structure for my coursework this year, due to the classes and assignments I have missed because of my depression and my dad dying. I am catching up at work, and beginning to enjoy it again. I am more present at home, and feel like I am actually participating. We have a wonderful new tradition, I don't really know how it started, but every Sunday now I make french toast for everyone. Every second Sunday when Glassman and the girls are there we go through an entire loaf of bread. Each week one of the kids sits on the counter and helps me by passing the bread and eggs and what not. Last week it was BigR who never sits on the counter, he was giddy and loved it. After last Sundays breakfast we carved our pumpkins. Cableman even got up and came down early (as we had to carve them before I started work at 11:00a), so we could all do them together. There were 6 pumpkins to carve. As per tradition I do BigR's, Glassman does K's, Cableman does M's, and Craftymama does LittleR's. I don't know how it started for me to do BigR's, but it's a thing now.

The kids are also very excited about their upcoming lantern walks to celebrate Martinmaas, and the changing from light to dark. I have made all the lanterns, as I seem to do every year, and the kids are gleeful. I would get pictures, as it is quite the magical event, but it takes place in near dark, so you wouldn't be able to see anything.

I am officially on parental leave from my part time job. I was accidentally sent an email from my boss to the regional manager that said he didn't want me back when I left, so that sparked a series of discussions between us. But, they can't fire me for going on parental leave. It'll be nice not to work the upcoming evenings or weekends. I used to work my normal work week here in Nanaimo from 8:00-4:30p (save for Wednesdays wherein I have school from 9-12), and then on Thursdays and Fridays I would go straight to my other job and work there 5:30-8:30. I would also work there on Saturdays (10-6) and Sundays (11-5). It'll be great to have some time off and be at home.

Well, I think that's all for me. Maybe next time I update I'll have a picture of a squishy newborn to share! For now though, here is a picture of the kids at the big pumpkin pile where we pick out our pumpkins!

Death

On October 18th, 2013 my dad died. He died of liver cancer causing his liver and kidneys to fail. Apparently it was peaceful, his brother and sister were there with him when it happened.

Everyone keeps asking me how I am doing, or how I feel. The truth is, I don't know.

It was easy, when my dad was alive, to hold on to that hope that one day we would be able to have a relationship with one another. It was easy not to think about him. Now I find I am stuck in this place where I think about him frequently and have so many questions that I can never get answered.

It's not that we didn't try to have a relationship. We both tried at various points in our lives, but we could never get on the same wave length to hear what the other had to say. He was always so stubborn, and I pretended, even to myself, that I didn't need or want him in my life.

I am mourning the loss of something that never was. My family tells me I was a daddy's girl while he was at home, but I don't remember, I don't really have any memories from when he lived at home - I wish I did. I wish I had some great memories to counter act the bad ones I have of him after he left. I need to believe at some point he was a decent guy.

There won't be a service for him, as he didn't want one. I won't get to see his body one last time before he is cremated. I have no idea what he looks like now, how he has aged since I last saw him 3.5 years ago.

It has hit me harder than I imagined it would. There have been numerous times when I hadn't heard from him for quite some time, or had been told that he was really sick that I wondered if he had died, I honestly thought his extended absences had prepared me for his ultimate death - but they didn't.

I am left angry, upset, sad, lost and confused. There is no handbook for grief, there is no right way to feel, and yet I feel like I am doing it all wrong.

I don't know what I want or need from others around me, I don't know what I need to do for myself. I just keep stifling my feelings and allowing some of them to come to the surface when I am alone and it is quiet - healthy I know.

He was my dad, and I never knew him - and now I'll never get the chance.

End of 2012

Christmas was great in our house. The kids were overwhelmed and spoiled as they are every year and as a result were not the best at the dinner table. Dinner was once again rocked out by Craftymama and I, we are getting great at this. It was a busy time visiting all the family, opening all the gifts, and being actually present with the kids.

Glassman took the rest of his stuff yesterday. I cried like a baby. The girls were home and fine with it all; it was me who had a hard time. He hugged me lots, and brought me kleenex and coffee. He helped me put Christmas crap away, and bring my nicely chopped firewood inside; why does he have to be so helpful. I miss him.

Today is new years eve. A day when we are supposed to reflect on the previous year. What strikes me most about the last year is how little I valued myself. My blog doesn't normally get personal, but here we go. Accepting ny relationship, body, sexuality, personality and everything else has been a challenge for me this year. One in which I haven't completed yet. I feel like after the previous two years of inner emotional turmoil (the effects of extreme depression and mania), that I am going through some sort of mid-20's crisis. I am needing to discover and accept my identity. I need to find peace and balance. And that is my sole goal for the new year - to find peace and balance.

 The kids don't really know what day it is so they will be going to bed at the normal time. Craftymama and I will have a drink or two and watch "Perks of Being a Wallflower" and will ring in the new year quietly and together like we have the past few years.

2012 was the first year of home ownership (something I don't ever want to do again), building a new relationship with Craftymama after my mental collapse, watching other people grow and change into amazing people, seeing my kids flourish (and flounder) but being proud of them every day. 2012 was a year of not so many big changes, but a few powerful small ones. Relationships with my family are changing, C was born, my mishka moved to another town and Glassman moved out. 2012 was a year of growth for everyone. Some grew together, others apart.

I am never sad to see a year over, but after the past couple of years being so chaotic it was nice to have a calmer year in 2012. I hope the calmness and relative chaotic-less times continue.

Welcome Home

I figured I would change the domain name of my web address now that Glassman doesn't live with us anymore. It is no longer Us3 but its Us2 now. So welcome to my new home :)

Glassman and I have our first hand off this weekend. The girls have spent nights away from home before, and I am not nervous about that, or about Glassman's parenting abilities. What's sad to me is that this is the first hand off. This first time signifies the many hand offs to come. It's weird, and this time when the girls are away it will feel a little bit different.

Good thing I have the boys to keep me busy. But I am sad for them as well. They won't get to see Glassman as much anymore and he has been like a father figure to them for the past however many years. There will be no overnight trips for them, no visits to Grandpa S's, and they are just supposed to adapt and adjust, and I know they will. Doesn't help the sadness though.

We all miss each other.

One Year

It's been one year since we moved from the green house. One year since that awful awful move that left Glassman and I unloading until 4am, and then sleeping in the dining room with boxes all around. One year of trying to make this house into our home. One year - and we are still faltering.

The house isn't ours yet, it is more expensive than we ever imagined it to be, and now one year later - Glassman is moving out. Now money will be even tighter, and how are we supposed to get ahead. I have no idea what we are going to do, no idea how we can make the house ours.

My heart breaks for Craftymama whose heart is breaking over missing the green house and who is unhappy in this house. It's true - we live a lot messier here than we ever did there - and the reason is, we have gotten used to it. It was never in pristine condition, so we have never seen it that way and thus have no motivation to make it that way. The green house was pristine from the beginning and thus was easy to keep that way. We weren't playing catch up like we are here. It's frustrating.

If only there was more time and more money. I'm sad today - sad for many reasons.

Family

My Sister writes: "I love my family. I don't always love what they do, or how they behave, or what they believe in, but I love them.

For once, something she wrote really resonating with me, and didn't feel like it was a personal attack on something I am doing. And maybe that's why I work so hard to make sure they; my mom, sisters, everyone, approve of me. I try to do the things that are needed, or required - and I always feel I come up short. But maybe I am not supposed to try to appease them. If they will love me no matter what, then why am I so afraid to be who I am?

My grandma's tea was this past weekend. There were so many people there. My grandma is a quiet proud person, and to see how many lives her life touched really moved me. People were talking about their memories and their fondness of her. I was in awe of her. I didn't know my grandma very well, and that saddens me, but what I did know made me realize that even the proudest most stubborn of people develop lifelong relationships with others. Relationships that will last through death. It is my hope to be that kind of person.

We also spent a night at the trailer, me and Craftymama and the kids that is, it was a lot of work, and I missed half the second day - but it was so much fun. That was a memory that I won't forget and I hope they remember it too. They adored sleeping in a tent, and staying up late. And all of them, even R fell asleep on the short drive home. Wiped out indeed.

Family Days

Family days are fun and I wish I could participate in them more often - not that they happen often but if me and craftymama were home some of the time or at least more of the day time week time then they would. This past Sunday we took all 4 kids, and 2 dogs to the beach to play. It was so awesome to watch the kids just frolic in the water and throw the ball for the dogs who would enthusiastically chase it. What made it all the nicer was sharing it with the woman I love and getting to stop and kiss her every once in a while. I wonder if they feel like family days when its just craftymama taking the kids. Today they travelled all the way to Nanaimo, to the Departure Bay waterpark. I wonder how it felt. I wonder if it feels like any sort of family - like we felt before 'life' when we would take R and K to the waterpark. I wonder if she enjoyed it as much. I know it's work, I really do, and I appreciate how hard it must be, and I know I am lucky that my work doesn't have that kind of mental stress....but God, I miss it.

I'm also aware I haven't written about my grandma. She passed on Sunday in the early morning with her family around her. I don't want to say more because no words can convey what I feel and saying anything would be untrue.

Toronto

So I went away to Toronto for work. It was so hard to leave everyone. I had a mild panic attack at being so far away from my kids. I wanted to run away and go back to them. It felt so wrong to be so far away from them. And being without Craftymama was like being without air, it was so hard to function. I thought about them all the time.

They were all fine. Kids had lots of fun, and K's room got finished: complete with new hardwood floors, painted ceilings, walls, trim and all the fun stuff. It's like the most done room in all of the house now. Slowly but surely I suppose we are making it ours - and yet in the back of at least my head I know that when the kids move out in the many years to come we will be selling it and moving back to Nanaimo. Our place is not Duncan. We are destined to return to Nanaimo - and something tells me we are destined to return to the Green House. It is Andrea's dream house, and her kindred soul, but more than that - it is something for me - but I don't know what yet. Figuring out the green house isn't at the forefront of my thoughts lately.

My grandma is still in the hospital - multiple seizures, brain surgery. I feel awful at not being able to see her, but I don't want to stress her out, or get her sick - and I still have a cough. If she goes home I am going to visit her there. Even if it's just to say a silent goodbye. I wasn't there for my grandpa, I want to be there for her.

Tick Tock

It's been quite the week.

I am leaving for Toronto today, I got to say a great goodbye to R last night because he is never up in the morning. K gave me the most gigantic of hugs. And M actually let me kiss him, he is normally very cranky in the morning and wants nothing but food. He also told me he would miss me. *Ded from cute*. LittleR slept in, which us weird for her - so I didn't get to say goodbye. I am so sad to leave the kids - it's the longest I've ever been away from them. My heart is aching already.

I don't want to leave Craftymama. She is my love, my happiness, my comfort - every day and every night. Even when we are frustrated, there is nothing better than finding her hand in the middle of the night.

My birthday was two days ago. It was all right. I'm 27 now, and that just feels absolutely unreal to me. I had my favourite dinner - and my favourite cake, and then went to R's teacher/parent evening. It was fun, and it solidified my want to be a waldorf teacher.

Oh...I guess I haven't shared that. I've been trying to figure out what I want to do. I want a career, and something with benefits, closer to home, and that fits in with my values. Everyone has always told me I'd make a good teacher (and lawyer lol), but I couldn't stand teaching in the public or private school system. But the more I come to learn about and witness waldorf the more it seems to click with me. I may not agree with everything - but no workplace is going to be perfect. I am hoping to start school in 4 years, there was another program this year starting but we just couldn't afford it.

I wan't to talk about my Grandma, but I don't know what to say. She is in the hospital, and has been diagnosed with brain cancer and multiple tumors. For so so many years, and even now - I looked at her and her life and always wanted it to be my own - or at least similar. She successfully raised 6 wonderful children, who are all so vastly different its amazing. She had an incredible relationship with my Grandfather. She was strong, and proud, and confident. She was a stay at home mom, and did all those things you would expect from the 1950's. I looked up to her. And I still do. Even now, in her weakened state - the values she instilled in her children are showing. Together, they have taken turns staying by her side all the time - she is never alone, they have been her advocate to the doctors, and they have not been afraid to show their emotions and reach out for help.

Though I do not agree with my grandmother on everything, and I know she doesn't agree with me about everything - there is still that connection. She was the first person who taught me how to clean a chicken coop, chase a chicken, and feed them. She let me wonder The Property and told me all about the different plants I would find. When I was little and spent weekends there, she found my crying in the closet because I missed home - and she comforted me, and we made cookies. She made me exquisite bubble baths with candles and lots of bubbles in her giant soaker tub and let me play there for hours. She would show me pictures of my mom growing up, and talk about the past so clearly I could picture it. She and my Grandpa got me my first guitar, and encouraged my love of my music. She has a wonderful spirit.

I only wish I got to know her better, that we were closer - but that's what happens in life, we don't actually realize how many memories we have with a person until their life is ending. We don't realize all the time we wasted being angry, or doing other things until its too late. I know my grandma and I could never have been best friends - but I wish I could have shown her what all those memories and all those times with her taught me. I wish I could let her see how those strong family values, and the ability to just make-do with what you have has shaped who I am.

I love my grandma - even if she doesn't know it.