Failure

So we are moving - this Saturday as a matter of fact. We met with a bankruptcy trustee, a realtor, and have been talking lots about what to do. What it comes down to is the fact that the house is eating us alive, even if I was working full time with a decent hourly wage - it's still not enough to cover the basic necessities of living there. We simply can't afford it. So we had a realtor out to do a walk through and give us an estimate, and after his fees and taxes we would still owe over $100,000 on the house, and the banks won't let us walk away with that high of a debt still owing on it. So really, what other option do we have other than to foreclose on the house, declare bankruptcy, and start again. I will admit that I feel pretty much like the ultimate failure at life here. it was my job to support the family, and not only did I lose my job back in February, but even if I was working, I still didn't make enough for us to survive there. Buying that house was the single biggest adult mistake we have made.

So we will have some credit ladder climbing to do. This will kill our credit (and our cosigners, who knows about this, and who is being so amazingly awesome that it nearly brings me to tears), and we will be fighting to get it back, and regain some sense of normalcy again. This is a chance to start over, start fresh, and get it right. We can come back from this.

The place we are moving into is a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom place on a huge piece of land. It needs some serious cleaning and fixing up, but we are okay with that. It's the same distance from the school, just in the other direction.

Speaking of school, R will be homeschooled next year, and we are going to see how grade 1 is for K. If it's awful we are going to pull all the kids out the following year. We don't want to keep trying and experimenting on the kids to see if it's going to work. That being said, I don't know that I am sold on homeschooling them all, but thankfully, we don't have to make that decision right now. That's a future problem - potentially.

Glassman has been coming out to our house more, and is helping us move and lay down new floor in the place and what not. It's weirdly comfortable having him around, and having three adults there is certainly nice. I do miss living with him, he was a permanent fixture in my life for so long that it's still weird that I don't see him every day.

Veganism goes all right. In fact, it's completely fine at home - it's when we see family. Others seem to think it is all right to undermine our food decisions, and critique them in front of the kids. What they don't realize is the kids complain about the food around them because they get a reaction. None of them actually really mind - especially K. They are enjoying trying new foods and new things. It's only when you point out what they are "missing out on" that they put of this fuss, and you can tell it's an act. It would just be really nice not to be belittled in front of the kids for our parenting choices. If you have a real issue with something we have decided to do, I would much rather be approached or called when the kids aren't around.

I am on the job hunt, and am finding that I am angry and upset at what  happened with my last job. I'm having a really hard time letting it go and I know I have to.

Those are the biggest updates that I can think of...

And the beat goes on

So what's new in our little family? Ha Ha Ha little. Craftymama is going wrap crazy and wants to buy all the wraps. When she was with cableman, she was pretty much allowed to buy any wrap she fancied - now not so much. She just got one like 2 weeks ago and is already lusting after at least two more. I have a wrap for J, but I am also lusting after this rainbow wrap I saw before he was born but that wasn't released yet. It's now released and available nearly everywhere. I want it so bad. Craftymama said I'm allowed to get it if I wear J 20 out of 30 days. Wrapping and I are having a hard go of things. He is too big for me to wear comfortably on my front, and I just can't seem to get back wrapping down without major help. It's so infuriating. I hate having to learn things I already learned once before. But I so want this wrap, and I really do enjoy wearing him. I sing to him while we walk the dog, and craftymama helps me get him nice and high so I can see him just by turning my head. It's nice spending that one on one time with him.

I subbed in K's class yesterday as one of her teachers was away. I had oh so much fun. Everyone, and I mean everyone, tells me that teaching grades would be so much better for me, and that I'm more suited to it, but there is something about ECE, it just...oh it's just so special. I'm trying to go to the west coast institute for waldorf teacher training. It starts this July. The unfortunate thing is that student loans won't pay for it, and ha ha ha to me affording it. So I have asked for a sponsor, and am hoping for a positive response.

At this point in time I have no skills, and no usable education. I would be starting from scratch again. Supporting 5 kids and a partner with an entry level job is near impossible. I feel so useless, and frustrated.

I went into my old work the other day to pick up some forms that I needed for the government, they knew I was coming, and not one person came to say hi to me. Not one person talked to me. I just was given my papers and left. I gave my life to these people. I helped the company grow into what it is now. It hurt so badly. I know it's just business - and I know I have to shrug it off because in the grand scheme of life it doesn't really matter. I guess I just thought I meant more as a person, but I guess all I was was an employee, and now I'm no longer that. I have to move on. I am grateful for everything I learned about herbs, business, finances, and myself while I was there. Working there changed who I am, I wish them nothing but success.

There is a string of violence going around our house. The kids have taken on a mean streak and are hitting, punching, pushing, and kicking each other. I just can't stand it. I find I have less patience then I normally do lately, which I hate, but really, the violence needs to stop. I don't know what to do. Craftymama and I need to have a pow wow and get some parenting strategies for how to handle this.

The changes in our eating go all right. I hate many of the common vegetarian alternatives: beans, onions, mushrooms - so I'm probably having the biggest challenge. Craftymama and I differ on our beliefs. I believe humans were meant to eat meat occasionally - but produced ethically, and treated ethically while I live. The animals deserve respect, and that's what the mainstream industry doesn't give them. So I miss meat. I don't need or want it at every meal, but every once and a while it would be nice. I don't miss cows milk - I haven't liked drinking that stuff since I had K. We shall see what my family's food reality looks like in a few months when things get into more of a routine and we all find our balance.

We are talking about what our next house is going to be. Craftymama really wants to build it, and she has found this environmental way of building really heat effective houses our of straw bales. It would be interesting to build our own house. I'm not vehemently opposed to the idea. Of course, the first thing we have to do is figure out what we are doing with our current disaster of a house....

That's pretty much it for now. We aren't very exciting...

End of 2012

Christmas was great in our house. The kids were overwhelmed and spoiled as they are every year and as a result were not the best at the dinner table. Dinner was once again rocked out by Craftymama and I, we are getting great at this. It was a busy time visiting all the family, opening all the gifts, and being actually present with the kids.

Glassman took the rest of his stuff yesterday. I cried like a baby. The girls were home and fine with it all; it was me who had a hard time. He hugged me lots, and brought me kleenex and coffee. He helped me put Christmas crap away, and bring my nicely chopped firewood inside; why does he have to be so helpful. I miss him.

Today is new years eve. A day when we are supposed to reflect on the previous year. What strikes me most about the last year is how little I valued myself. My blog doesn't normally get personal, but here we go. Accepting ny relationship, body, sexuality, personality and everything else has been a challenge for me this year. One in which I haven't completed yet. I feel like after the previous two years of inner emotional turmoil (the effects of extreme depression and mania), that I am going through some sort of mid-20's crisis. I am needing to discover and accept my identity. I need to find peace and balance. And that is my sole goal for the new year - to find peace and balance.

 The kids don't really know what day it is so they will be going to bed at the normal time. Craftymama and I will have a drink or two and watch "Perks of Being a Wallflower" and will ring in the new year quietly and together like we have the past few years.

2012 was the first year of home ownership (something I don't ever want to do again), building a new relationship with Craftymama after my mental collapse, watching other people grow and change into amazing people, seeing my kids flourish (and flounder) but being proud of them every day. 2012 was a year of not so many big changes, but a few powerful small ones. Relationships with my family are changing, C was born, my mishka moved to another town and Glassman moved out. 2012 was a year of growth for everyone. Some grew together, others apart.

I am never sad to see a year over, but after the past couple of years being so chaotic it was nice to have a calmer year in 2012. I hope the calmness and relative chaotic-less times continue.

Welcome Home

I figured I would change the domain name of my web address now that Glassman doesn't live with us anymore. It is no longer Us3 but its Us2 now. So welcome to my new home :)

Glassman and I have our first hand off this weekend. The girls have spent nights away from home before, and I am not nervous about that, or about Glassman's parenting abilities. What's sad to me is that this is the first hand off. This first time signifies the many hand offs to come. It's weird, and this time when the girls are away it will feel a little bit different.

Good thing I have the boys to keep me busy. But I am sad for them as well. They won't get to see Glassman as much anymore and he has been like a father figure to them for the past however many years. There will be no overnight trips for them, no visits to Grandpa S's, and they are just supposed to adapt and adjust, and I know they will. Doesn't help the sadness though.

We all miss each other.

Glassman and Renos and kids

Glassman left this weekend. I watched him grab his clothes and put on his shoes, tears forming behind my eyes. As he was leaving he asked me how long we had lived together, when I replied 9 years he said "weird" and walked out the door. I don't know why he has trouble expressing how hard this is on him. I've tried communicating how hard it is on me, and telling him that I still love him deeply - but he just makes fun of me like he always does. It is weird to not have him around, to have him visit instead of being here overnight. His room seems emptier already even though all his big furniture is still here. I miss him already and will probably cry again.

Craftymama in an ever present need to do thing in the house got a vision for the laundry room shelves and in two days they have come out and the beginning of bead board paneling has gone in. It was a quick project and makes that area look all the bigger. I will post pictures when it's done - assuming she took a before picture. I love how bright it looks - and it actually makes the bathroom look bigger because the door can open all the way. In the tearing down process she found a note from 1969:

very cool. And yes that does say 1969 on it - I guess that's when those shelves went up. It's nice to be restoring an area back to what it was originally. There was even original baseboard behind those shelves. Of course the wall was lath and plaster which is why we had to cover it up. We couldn't find appropriate and budget conscious real bead board so the sheets will have to do - and they do look pretty darn good. 

The kids are enjoying advent. At cableman's house the boy's have one of those chocolate advent calendars and R told me as I was driving them home yesterday that he likes our advent calender better because with the other all you do is eat things. Oh melt my heart, I love that we are creating memories like that. So far we have gotten a christmas tree, decorated, made cottonball snow men, put christmas lights in their rooms, gotten christmas library books, written letters to santa and much more - and we are only 10 days in. R is hoping there is one that involves drinking hot chocolate under the tree - and there just might be. 

I do love christmas in our house, as stressful as it can be. 

Glassman, Money, Christmas

It's December 5th. Glassman still hasn't moved out. He gave us notice late so he technically stay for all of December, but he has made no effort to pack his things or made arrangements with his dad to move out. He wants to do it gradually, which I think will make it more difficult for the kids. He is planning to sleep at his dad's this weekend so we will see how that goes.

His staying also means that the room renos are on hold because we can't move rooms when he is still in one. It's frustrating but okay because....

We are broke as all hell. Between Christmas, and the roof, and the van, and a banking mistake we are having to dip into what little savings we have. This is so infuriating. I feel like we will never get ahead and never get out of this. I know we have to because we can't live like this for the rest of our lives, but I don't have any plans for how we can go about getting out of this. There must be a way though, there must be.

The kids are excited for advent. Every year we bring out the advent calendar and there is an activity that we do in each day. Yesterday, for example, we went to the library for  Christmas books, the day before - they made reindeer puppets. It's fun for them to look forward to something every day, rather than just looking forward to Christmas day. It takes some of the pressure off the day.

Speaking of Christmas Day. We have such a nice day planned as always. The morning starts when everyone is awake. Presents are opened one by one while the other family members watch and enjoy the various levels of excitement. It usually lasts until 11:00a. Then the dinner preparations start: with turkey and all the fixins. The day is spent at home having some quality time with family. Then the next day we go visit all the other family members and enjoy Christmas with them. I really like the way we do Christmas in our home. It's quieter, and more wholesome than travelling around every where to see the 5 sets of grandparents the kids have. It's weird not seeing my mom on Christmas as that was our tradition before kids, but it's more important to us that our kids spend Christmas at home and not travelling.

One Year

It's been one year since we moved from the green house. One year since that awful awful move that left Glassman and I unloading until 4am, and then sleeping in the dining room with boxes all around. One year of trying to make this house into our home. One year - and we are still faltering.

The house isn't ours yet, it is more expensive than we ever imagined it to be, and now one year later - Glassman is moving out. Now money will be even tighter, and how are we supposed to get ahead. I have no idea what we are going to do, no idea how we can make the house ours.

My heart breaks for Craftymama whose heart is breaking over missing the green house and who is unhappy in this house. It's true - we live a lot messier here than we ever did there - and the reason is, we have gotten used to it. It was never in pristine condition, so we have never seen it that way and thus have no motivation to make it that way. The green house was pristine from the beginning and thus was easy to keep that way. We weren't playing catch up like we are here. It's frustrating.

If only there was more time and more money. I'm sad today - sad for many reasons.

Why I am so Upset

Craftymama asked me last night why I was so upset that glassman was moving out. After all, our relationship as husband and wife has been over for 2 years. We haven't been a couple in that long. That really made me think. Why am I so upset? Why does it matter if he moves out? Shouldn't I be more sad for the kids than I am for myself?

Well yes, I am sad for the kids - all of them. They all, rightly so, see Glassman as a father figure, and I am devastated that they won't have him around every day. But I also know that kids are resilient, and they will persevere. They will adapt. Kids adapt quickly and find a new way to be happy in the moment. I am not worried that they will hate me when they are older because I followed my heart in being with craftymama, and I never once have chased him away - in fact I welcomed him to stay. I am not sad that my kids will grow up in two homes. I know this bothered craftymama when cableman left, because she grew up in two homes and it was awful. I never had that experience. My experience was with an absentee father - so having any father in their lives is a bonus.

But I *am* sad for me. I am upset because this is the end of an era. Glassman and I have been living together for 9 years - that's one third of my life. I know his quirks, he knows mine, we have inside jokes, we get along, we understand what it's like to live together. Not that craftymama doesn't understand what it's like to live with me - she probably does better than he does, but it's still hard going from living with someone for 9 years, seeing them every day, sleeping in the same house, having dinner together - to only seeing them when you drop the kids off. There will be no more seeing him every day - and that hurts my heart.

I am upset because this is also the end of a good friendship. Yes, we will continue to be friends but because we will only see each other during drop off and pick up there is no way to maintain the friendship the same way it is now. He has been my good friend since grade 9 (though he treated me like crap for 2-3 years we were still friends). Having that relationship end is hard for me. It's like losing your best friend, losing a piece of yourself. Craftymama is the best friend I have, but glassman is up there too. I will miss that friendship we have.

I am also upset because it is the loss of a many year conquest. I told his mom is grade 2 that I was going to marry him one day. I know we aren't together - but his moving out is like a final loss to this whole saga. I never, ever, thought we would get back together, and don't even want to get back together with him, but the moving out is like the final nail in our marriage coffin; well I guess second to last nail, the last one being when we sign the divorce papers.

I am worried because we depend on him for things done around the house, we often say "that's a glassman job," and now he won't be here to do it. Who is going to pick up the slack - I know we will, but it was so easy to rely on him, I have come to rely on him - probably in my error, but now that reliance will be cut off.

Most of all - I will simply miss him.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

So Glassman is moving out :(

He says he can't afford to live with us anymore, and I believe him, even though nothing has changed financially wise in the past year and he could afford it last year. I am sad. I am sad for many reasons...

1) the girls will only see him every other weekend. They are used to seeing him everyday. The boys wont see him at all, well maybe a little, but hardly. I am sad for my kids. Not sad that they will grow up in two houses, but sad at the change they have to go through. They will adapt as they are resilient, but I wish they didn't have to at all.

2) Through this I have realized that I have lost my good friend. I thought glassman and I had each other's backs still, but I guess we don't. I guess we each have to look out for our selves.

3) I'll miss him.

4) I'll miss, the house will miss, and craftymama will miss his extra income into the place. We are worried about finances, but what can you do but make it work.

So many reasons to be upset. There are reasons to be angry too, but I won't get into those as dwelling is not helpful and I am trying to let the anger go.

So, with the move comes bedroom changes. We will upgrade glassman's room with floor, ceiling, and wall removal/painting and move the boys into there. Then we will move into the boys' old room. Our current room downstairs will be turned into a playroom for the kids which we think they will love. It really will make a cute little playroom, I'm excited for that - but getting there will take some time and effort and money...which we don't have an abundance of because....

Our ceiling started leaking. Which means are roof needs repair or replacing. Fun times. Who has $8000 sitting around for a new roof? We certainly don't. We can't even borrow against our mortgage because we haven't even owned the house for a year yet. *sigh* owning a house is hard. But at least the roof will stop leaking and we can move the pot from our dining room floor soon....

Go Team...?

So..we bought an old house. Craftymama fell in love with the oldness of it and getting to reno it, I fell in love with it being so different than most houses and Glassman is just along for the ride. Problem with an old house is that they need, usually, a lot of work and an owner who has both time and money to deal with it.

Time AND money..I don't feel I have one of those things, let alone both of those things.

But Craftymama and Glassman they like to tear shit down, and just get 'er done. To my surprise, I am quite hesitant to do that kind of stuff - especially right after the move, right before Christmas. I think my hesitation is annoying to them.

They want to rip up floors replace toilets, take out dishwashers and closet doors, paint all the things, and Glassman wants to put a new heater core in his car at the same time so I stop bitching about the heat in the mornings on the way to work.

Me, I like slow and steady. I like being prepared. Who knows what we're going to discover when we rip things apart. For example:

1) We took up the lino on the stairs the day after we moved in. Nothing major revealed. Just nice wood floors that need paint. Thats a slight risk. Craftymama and I did this by ourselves. Glassman did come in and nail down all the left over nails.

2) We put a door back on the on back porch. no risk. Craftymama and I did this one. No men required!

3) Craftymama is painting all the things. Moderate risk, but only insomuch as the kids can be occupied. There really isn't extra cost to this which is nice.

4) Removal of island. slight risk. We didn't know how we would function without that counter space or what was under that floor.

5) Change toilets to get in on the duncan toilet rebate program. moderate-high risk. We have now gotten ourselves into a corner with this one. We need a 10" rough in but none of the toilets out there that are 10" meet the duncan requirements. So we need to take out a little 1" wall that extends out right behind the toilet. Then we can get a 12" rough in toilet. I broke the laminate, and there is water damage behind there. In theory drywall isn't hard...but still..it's much more of a task then simply changing out a toilet. Craftymama and Glassman are vibrating with excitement over getting to demolish a wall. I'll be sure to take pictures.

6) Removal of dishwasher. moderate risk. I am also positive there is water damage under the floor - and I don't wanna deal with that shit yet. But the kids keep touching buttons and it is quite the eye sore.

Reno's are stressful yo!

A New Space

So our house has enough bedrooms for everyone. I'm decorating the boys' room, Craftymama is doing the girls' room. The bathroom downstairs is being done together. As is the kitchen. Glassman's room is also upstairs. Our dining room is huge and will be a part play area for the kids, and the living room is awesome - but needs some work. But there are these 2.5 other rooms in the house. One room is off the kitchen, almost like an eating nook - its painted an awesome yellow that I love. Then there is like a mini room off that room where the furnace is. The third room is a little room upstairs at the end of the hall with a smaller door and slanted ceilings.

The kids need lots of room to play - we know this. It'd be nice to have a place that was Craftymama and I. To sew, to do school, to paint, to have a space. As much as I REALLY REALLY want that room upstairs, I think it makes the most sense for that to be the kids's main play area. With books and pillows, and playsilks, and softer toys that go with the darkened space. They will also have a play kitchen somewhere as well.

So that leaves the little room downstairs. There are also two sheds out in the garden that could be for the kids too.

Idk..this post is very rambly, but as we approach moving day I'm trying to get a feel of what goes where. I'd like to have an adult space, and I think there is room for it - its just a question of logistics.

Moving day is coming. A house of our own to decorate, and fight over, and do anything we want with. Its exciting - when its not overwhelming.

Moving

So we are moving in 8 days.

That's crazy.

A house start over in, kind of. Same people - same set up - different location.

I'm hoping it makes things better. I'm hoping once all this buying a house moving business is done with that there will be less stress for all. Maybe it will help everyone chill the fuck out a bit. I don't know. Everyone is on edge.

I haven't had a big part of the packing - mostly because I have been working or otherwise unavailable.

I'm worried about craftymama. She is so strong, and she doesn't realize it. I hope she still thinks this is all worth it. Glassman is going through his own stresses, and we no longer have the type of relationship where he tells me whats up.

The kids are growing and excited for the changes ahead. R keeps talking about all the things he wants to do at the new house. But he has also been claiming that he doesn't want to be a kid anymore. It's mostly because he wants to drive a car, but it pains us all - you don't appreciate being a kid until you aren't one, and nothing we say or do can convince him of this.
K is a lot. She is a diva, and a princess and all the things that come with that. She seems to have difficulties with her own identity. She is doing a lot of copying and needing a lot of physical attention - hugs and what not. I wonder if she is feeling insecure, and I wonder why.
M..well..M has entered 3 with the same speed he was born at. He hit it hard and hasn't stopped. He doesn't do well with chaos, and we all overlook that fact because he is so busy. He needs the physical security that K is craving as well.
LittleR is growing. And its hard for me to let her grow. She is talking more, and its awesome. Craftymama is done with her coming into bed in the morning, but I'm not ready to give that up yet. Those morning nursing and cuddling sessions make me feel more like a mom than anything else I do - I need those moments still. I know they will fade soon, and I know I need to redefine my role as a mom. But I'm grasping at anything I can. I have to find a way to get Craftymama more sleep though. I'll try bringing LittleR to the couch again.

Life goes on and on and on. I now doubt that it will slow down, but maybe soon we will stop having to make giant decisions and we can just exist in our chaos.

I love all of my family, and I want nothing more than for us to find balance and peace.