End of 2012

Christmas was great in our house. The kids were overwhelmed and spoiled as they are every year and as a result were not the best at the dinner table. Dinner was once again rocked out by Craftymama and I, we are getting great at this. It was a busy time visiting all the family, opening all the gifts, and being actually present with the kids.

Glassman took the rest of his stuff yesterday. I cried like a baby. The girls were home and fine with it all; it was me who had a hard time. He hugged me lots, and brought me kleenex and coffee. He helped me put Christmas crap away, and bring my nicely chopped firewood inside; why does he have to be so helpful. I miss him.

Today is new years eve. A day when we are supposed to reflect on the previous year. What strikes me most about the last year is how little I valued myself. My blog doesn't normally get personal, but here we go. Accepting ny relationship, body, sexuality, personality and everything else has been a challenge for me this year. One in which I haven't completed yet. I feel like after the previous two years of inner emotional turmoil (the effects of extreme depression and mania), that I am going through some sort of mid-20's crisis. I am needing to discover and accept my identity. I need to find peace and balance. And that is my sole goal for the new year - to find peace and balance.

 The kids don't really know what day it is so they will be going to bed at the normal time. Craftymama and I will have a drink or two and watch "Perks of Being a Wallflower" and will ring in the new year quietly and together like we have the past few years.

2012 was the first year of home ownership (something I don't ever want to do again), building a new relationship with Craftymama after my mental collapse, watching other people grow and change into amazing people, seeing my kids flourish (and flounder) but being proud of them every day. 2012 was a year of not so many big changes, but a few powerful small ones. Relationships with my family are changing, C was born, my mishka moved to another town and Glassman moved out. 2012 was a year of growth for everyone. Some grew together, others apart.

I am never sad to see a year over, but after the past couple of years being so chaotic it was nice to have a calmer year in 2012. I hope the calmness and relative chaotic-less times continue.

Stuck in the Middle

I'm so stuck in the middle sometimes between Craftymama and Glassman. It's a hard situation and one I am not so good at dealing with.

I don't know what it's like nor can I even begin to fathom how it feels for them to be living in the same house. On the one hand Glassman has to watch me be in a relationship with someone else. Plus, that someone else is someone who he used to be in a relationship. On the other hand Craftymama has to live withher current partners ex whom her partner has children with and thus will always be connected to. Plus, she used to be in a relationship with him.

Its all very complicated.

Plus like all people there is conflict and frustrations, only because they aren't in love anymore - there isn't that buffer. I am the buffer. When Glassman does something stupid - I hear it from Craftymama. When Craftymama is being high maintenance I hear it from Glassman. It's hard to remain neutral but still supportive.

I can't remain completely neutral. Afterall, I am in a relationship with Craftymama and as a result I need to support her through her fustrations, not encourage them, but support none the less. And with Glassman, well, I will always love him - I've known him for just too long. I am no where near in love with him anymore, he is a really good friend, but there are still those need to protect feelings.

Somtimes I wish there was a pause button...oooh! or a fast forward button!

Sexuality

There have been many things lately that have caused me to think about my own sexuality. I needn't get into what they are.

However, what I've realized is that part of my stigma or thoughts on sexuality stem from what is normal and what is expected. Things you don't notice like the lack of movies, books, general media that feature gay/lesbian couples. I would love to watch a romantic comedy (or two or three or four) with a lesbian couple starring. Why can't their be a Gay version of The Notebook? Surely, there is a market for it - even if it is smaller, even if it doesn't make it a blockbuster. Surely, there must be other people in a same sex relationship out there who would love to have a movie they relate to?

Better yet, there is a book called "Dear John, I love Jane" about women who were in committed relationships with men who then realized they wanted to be with women. Come on - there is an awesome movie idea there!

I happened on a picture today of Ellen and Portia's wedding. In it they are dancing their first dance together. They had an amazing ceremony - they sat on cushions surrounded by flowers as they said their vows with only 19 people in attendance. It sounded like such a beautiful and lovely day. It was then that I realized that I would never have that with Craftymama. Our families aren't amazingly supportive. I think parents would come - but would they even take us seriously? I would love nothing more than to have a beautiful and simple ceremony with the woman I love and have my close family and friends be there to witness it. But after divorce - does anyone take the second marriage seriously?

I worry about what other people think of our relationship far to frequently. I worry that I am disappointing someone (who, I have no idea!) by being with a woman, and I worry even more that our relationship will never get the ceremony it deserves.

But man those pictures were beautiful and almost made me cry a little.

It continues

I applied for a job at London Drugs not too long ago and was totally confident I'd get it - I didn't. It paid twice as much as this job does and there is a location in Duncan. I was super stoked to potentially be working so close to home. I'd get to see the kids more - it would have been awesome all around.

I am still working at Malaspina Herbs, and my commission has increased (from .75% to 3%) so it's quite a jump. Quite well appreciated on my end. We have a small debt ($750) to pay off, and I'll use my commission for that - but once it's paid off the extra income will be well worthwhile

Because...

More renos of course!

On the agenda are:
- Kitchen floors ($250 for the ones we like)
- Kitchen back splash ($250)
- Kitchen Counters ($$??)
- Over the stove range/hood ($$??)
- Kitchen wall paint ($50)
- Bathroom re-plumping ($$??)
- new tub ($400)
- new vanity ($$??)
- Bathroom walls paint ($75)
- Landscaping ($400)
- Paint for the whole house ($200)
- Some sort of non single pane windows for the whole house ($2000 I think)
- Taking out the bathroom/wall in girls' room ($$??)
- Refinishing all floors ($$??)
- Electrical work (updating board, putting anchor in house)

That list is so not exhaustive. But..its still a lot. Doesn't seem to unmanageable, and I have no doubt that we will be able to pull it all off. Eventually. We will be there for years to come so it's not like a huge rush, I just know there are others in the home who are impatient.

Craftymama and I have been continuing to go through some rough patches - we are both emotionally vulnerable for very similar and very different reasons. It's very trying at times. She is also becoming increasingly insecure about Glassman and my relationship. Having known each other for so long, and always having a bit of a weird relationship - I'm sure it can be intimidating. We make great friends, and I am happy to consider him one of my friends - but I don't think about him romantically. It was so freeing when I released him as a partner and embraced him as a friend. I recognize that Craftymama can't see that change, so I hope one day she trusts me enough to believe me.

Glassman continues his want to be a police officer which would take him away to Vancouver 4 days a week. This would be a nice change for Craftymama and I. (Though I may need to change his name to Legaldad or something ha ha ha). It would give Craftymama and I some relationship time together - we are hard pressed for alone time between the kids and always having a room mate home.

Things on the HWB front have calmed. She is still crazy but mostly keeps the crazy to trying to get her kid back, whom Cableman has all but forgotten about these days it seems. It's wonderful to partially close that baby-mama-daddy drama chapter of our lives. The story will never end completely, but it's not the forefront anymore.

Life keeps plugging along in our backwards kind of life. But its working, and the kinks are slowly but surely being figured out.

Us3 - redux

So we moved, and I was reminded, again - of how well the three of us work together. However, learning this has come at a price..one I didn't realize before.

The three of us work so excellently together - at least in the logistical stance. We are able to move efficiently and handle high stress situations better than most groups of people. We were up for over 22hrs together, and managed to calm our tempers for the most part. Glassman and I moved shit, Andrea organized. We each had meltdowns over something: Craftymama over leaving her green house, Glassman over a license plate and working the next day, and me over my shear exhaustion. But we did it, and we didn't kill each other.

However, that brought out some insecurity in Craftmama, who sees me and Glassman so comfortable with each other that sometimes she thinks that I would rather be with him than her. I can understand that fear. I used to have it with Cableman and her. It's true for the both of us, if we could go back in time and not have "life" happen than our lives would be easier with our still legal husbands. That doesn't mean I want it. Glassman and I will always be comfortable around each other, we have known each other too long to not be - but she makes me feel so incredible and so loved that I would want to be with no one but her. Glassman can make me laugh, he can make anyone laugh - but she makes me feel safe, and just wonderful - and she makes me laugh too.

I know how to feels though to see someone you love so much be so comfortable with someone else - its intimidating. I had it with FirstLove and Craftymama. It's hard. It requires so much trust and faith in the relationship and we all falter - this was just her turn I guess.

I hope I am able to restore her faith in us, just as she was able to with me.

Us 3

So I think I have posted before, when the three of us we're together, how we all manage to support each other, and how it's nice to have two people to fall back on..

So today..I got into a car accident. I swear the light was green, but whats done is done. I will now have a ticket for running the red light, the cost of the van, and my insurance will go up. I am so flipping angry at myself. Oh yeah, did I mention we are moving tomorrow?

Craftymama, who I thought would be so overwhelmed with my accident that she would shut down, was immediately supportive and comforting. Glassman, who I thought would be nothing but angry, asked if I was okay - that was the first thing he said. He didn't really care - what happens it happens, "meh" he says.

I am more than surprised at their reactions. They are better people than I, I think I would be upset or angry, and maybe they are but they know the proper response is to not be, because I didn't do it on purpose, it wasn't intentional. But maybe that's what I needed, maybe I needed something crappy to happen to be reminded of how awesome these people I have in my life are. But I didn't think I needed reminding. Maybe I needed reminding that we can still work together in some fashion even though we aren't in a relationship.

It's been so "us" and "him" lately. But really, the three of us still live under the same roof. Still parent together, still function together - so we do still have to operate as a team.

Or maybe I'm reading more into this than I should. Maybe most people are just good, I'm just a crappier person for thinking I'd be angry. I mean, when they joked about getting a speeding ticket - I did have to swallow rage.

IDK...accidents suck. Accidents with cop cars are just cruel..cause really..its a flipping cop car.

Two Years

Two years ago tonight Craftymama had a moment that changed both of our lives forever. I had been knitting my mishka (my mother) her Christmas Slippers, and then was balling the most epic ball of yarn ever; it was the size of my head. Craftymama and Glassman were msn'ing. It was a hard time for me. We had just begun our triad/quad. I had had craftymama all to myself for the better part of two years. WE talked on msn every night. Now all of a sudden I had to share that msn time with her.

On top of that I was madly in love with her. My envy of of Glassman's getting to be with here was getting overwhelming. They wanted me to fake it with Cableman, to see if it could work. No one knew how I felt about Craftymama. Each stitch, each purl my level of upset grew. My spirit was breaking. I loved her so much - more than I ever should have at that time. She had told me on a number of (drunken) occasions that she didn't like women in that sense. I had no right feeling like I did.

They finished talking and Glassman asked if I wanted to talk to her. I sat for a minute deciding what I should do. I started that conversation with the outright intent of telling Craftymama that I could support her relationship with Glassman 100% but I couldn't be her friend anymore. I couldn't be that close with her, know about her relationship with Glassman and still be okay with being friends with her. I told her I was devastated at losing her as a friend - but that it had to be done.

It was then, on her end, that something clicked. I cant describe it (though I would encourage Craftymama to write a guest post here about this). She said she loved me, and couldn't stand losing me. Within 2 minutes of this revelation we were going for a walk.

I will never forget seeing her across the intersection and how nervous I was. I wondered if I looked okay, if I would cry, or if I would hold her hand. I didn't do any of those things. I don't think we talked about much. I think we just needed that time for the knowledge of our love for each other to just exist between us. To feel it connect for the first time. It was magic.

The night of November 16th changed everything. I have often wondered what would have happened if I didn't push Craftymama to realize how she felt. I wonder where would we all be. Would I still be with Glassman and would we have another baby? Would she still be with Cableman and would she have had another baby? Would we have been pregnant together? Would our kids be going to a waldorf school still?

So many what ifs. And yet - it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because I am with her. She has been with me for the last two years and her support has never waivered. She loves me unconditionally and makes me feel beautiful. She challenges me. She is the single most perfect woman in the world for me - and every day I wonder how I got so lucky. I love her with every piece of myself. She is funny, and kind, and nurturing, and creative, and sexy and a thousand other adjectives.

I could talk forever about her.

Point is - Its been two years now since we became an official couple. November 16th 2009 is one of the most pivotal and important days of my life.

Introspection

Halloween came and Halloween went. The kids dressed up in hand me down handmade costumes and all was fine and good.

It was weird trick or treating. Last year when the 8 of us went: me, craftymama, glassman, cableman, R, K, M, and LittleR we travelled around to the grandparents house and showed them off. The year before that life had exploded but we had our first holiday together - we walked a cool street close to our house. This year, we walked that cool street again. It was like venturing back in time. I kept having flashbacks outside houses of what happened two years ago.

In front of one house I had had to hold back tears as glassman and craftymama brought the kids up to the door together - I kept thinking about the energy that must be between them as they were alone for those brief moments and how I so longed for that with Craftymama myself.

In front of another house I remember going up with Cableman with the kids and realizing how awkward we were around each other and wondering if that would ever stop.

And in front of another house I remembered almost passing out because I really was that sick. I ended up having swine flu and literally thought I was going to die. Its quite funny now - but it was serious business then.

Two years later craftymama and I have a spark between us, a comfortable permanent spark. Glassman and I will always have that history that something that makes us connect - that will never go away. I miss the deeper spark at times, but the little spark is confusing. And cableman and I are still awkward around each other.

Two years.

Little has changed. Everything is different.

In which I talk about pretty much nothing

Craftymama and I are in a different kind of relationship. Same sex couples aren't new, we aren't breaking new ground, we dont face the same kind of persecution and discrimination that those before us did. But - its still different. As a result of this both of us are noticing how the world is not only catered to the norm there are biases and beliefs that are so engrained in culutre that we dont even see them.

On a school form for the kids it asks for mother and father. Simple - who thinks anything of this? I sure didnt before. But now..we are mother and mother - so we often find ourselves crossing this off. Cableman and Glassman are involved with the kids of course - but not really with school. All school stuff is us. Now, we arent thinking it should say mother and mother, or that we should have different forms. But shouldnt it say parent 1 and parent 2?

I've also been doing reading on what it would take for Craftymama and I to have a baby together. Screw the actual getting pregnant and finding sperm business. But did you know that after Craftymama and I have the baby the one who didnt give birth (the non gestational parent) has to apply to adopt the baby. And with that process comes: homestudy's, letters of reference, job letters, criminal record checks, and a letter from the gestational parent stating why they want their partner/spouse to adopt their own child. Oh..and fees. Anywhere from $1200-$2500 I've seen. To adopt your own child. The NGP will have been there through everything, through the trials and tribulations of trying to get pregnant, pregnancy, and birth and still they have to pay to adopt their own kid. Two people can have a one night stand and the sperm donor would be more of a legal parent to their kid right off the bat. Its so annoying - and honestly, it makes me so angry. I shake with rage when I think about it. Its so unfair. One day it wont be like this. Just like before craftymama and I wouldnt have been able to get married - one day..same sex couples wont have to prove that they are worthy of parenting their own children.

Im still shy - tbh. Craftymama has joined this group on facebook that I had seen previously and wanted to join - but couldnt bring myself to do it. About 90% of people on my facebook still think Im with glassman. I wouldnt care if they knew I wasnt. I dont want them to think I was. Im not ashamed or embarassed of being with Craftymama either. Its...idk..I dont want the extra attention. I even like attention...Idk what it is..Maybe Im afraid of disappointing people. IDK..Id scream to the world about how much I love her..but why cant I stand up for our relationship on facebook?