C et al.

K turned 5! When did she get so big. We got her a bike and she rides it like a pro. Her birthday was celebrated quietly with family and GrandpaS in attendance. She loved it, and of course loved the attention.

Craftymama has picked up a few random projects. There is the airlock chamber which is now just waiting for a floor which is waiting for us to roll all those pennies so we have money for said floor. She has also taken up the outside deck and prettied it up by getting an adirondack chair and table. It looks cute and so much bigger out there now. And with the shoes in the hole (what we call the old cold storage area in the back of the house off the kitchen) things are much more organized. I'm not sure what her next random project will be but I'm pretty sure it will be the yellow room. She has already bought a desk and wants to use it to study. So we shall see where her motivation takes her.

BTW, do you know how hard it is to find a front door. Sheesh they are so expensive!

I'm doing well I think. I'm looking to get the waldorf required reading texts and hoping to continue on with them. I'm worried this is never going to happen for me, which would be crushing. I want a career so bad. I want *this* career so bad. I feel like it's a perfect match for me and I would excel at it. But with cost and time and other things it just seem like an impossibility. I am supporting Craftymama with her school, as it is vitally important to her, and I hope hope hope we continue to make this happen for her. I must ensure that it does.

I'm lacking motivation at work again. I can't seem to make myself care. My boss was telling me about a raise - but I don't think I deserve it at all.

Speaking of work, I have already missed so many things at the kids's school. I hate that. I want to be the involved mom, socializing and gossiping with other moms. I make their lunches which I like - at least this far, and I made K's birthday snack. I'm being as involved as I can be.

I've also started sewing for Bamboletta Dolls - the same company that Craftymama works for. It's exciting and very nerve wracking. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect like she is - but logically I know I won't and can't be. I'm just sewing my first doll and its so rough. But it'll be some extra money which is always nice, and it will hopefully give me something to do in the evenings. Though I really miss having the motivation to knit. What's happened to all my drive and desire. I feel so baseline lately and I dislike it.

My running also goes well. I ran 5k finally! Granted it was in 41.5 minutes - but the point is I did it. I ran and I floated off the ground and used proper form that Craftymama advised me on - and it felt good. I felt like I could have kept going forever. I'm now nervous to run again (tonight). Why do I put so much pressure on myself?

Lastly, I welcomed my nephew C into the world on September 6th. It was an amazing experience being her 'birth partner' and helping her through everything. It was reliving to see how much I cared for and about her. C is absolutely perfect and such a great little baby - granted he is still small and curled up so he will stop his tons of sleeping that he is currently doing, I really enjoy going to visit them on my lunch breaks.

In which I talk about pretty much nothing

Craftymama and I are in a different kind of relationship. Same sex couples aren't new, we aren't breaking new ground, we dont face the same kind of persecution and discrimination that those before us did. But - its still different. As a result of this both of us are noticing how the world is not only catered to the norm there are biases and beliefs that are so engrained in culutre that we dont even see them.

On a school form for the kids it asks for mother and father. Simple - who thinks anything of this? I sure didnt before. But now..we are mother and mother - so we often find ourselves crossing this off. Cableman and Glassman are involved with the kids of course - but not really with school. All school stuff is us. Now, we arent thinking it should say mother and mother, or that we should have different forms. But shouldnt it say parent 1 and parent 2?

I've also been doing reading on what it would take for Craftymama and I to have a baby together. Screw the actual getting pregnant and finding sperm business. But did you know that after Craftymama and I have the baby the one who didnt give birth (the non gestational parent) has to apply to adopt the baby. And with that process comes: homestudy's, letters of reference, job letters, criminal record checks, and a letter from the gestational parent stating why they want their partner/spouse to adopt their own child. Oh..and fees. Anywhere from $1200-$2500 I've seen. To adopt your own child. The NGP will have been there through everything, through the trials and tribulations of trying to get pregnant, pregnancy, and birth and still they have to pay to adopt their own kid. Two people can have a one night stand and the sperm donor would be more of a legal parent to their kid right off the bat. Its so annoying - and honestly, it makes me so angry. I shake with rage when I think about it. Its so unfair. One day it wont be like this. Just like before craftymama and I wouldnt have been able to get married - one day..same sex couples wont have to prove that they are worthy of parenting their own children.

Im still shy - tbh. Craftymama has joined this group on facebook that I had seen previously and wanted to join - but couldnt bring myself to do it. About 90% of people on my facebook still think Im with glassman. I wouldnt care if they knew I wasnt. I dont want them to think I was. Im not ashamed or embarassed of being with Craftymama either. Its...idk..I dont want the extra attention. I even like attention...Idk what it is..Maybe Im afraid of disappointing people. IDK..Id scream to the world about how much I love her..but why cant I stand up for our relationship on facebook?

A Week of Discovery

This has been a week of self discovery for me.

I'm realizing Im a hypocrite sometimes. With our open sharing policy, we are supposed to say what is up. I'm not purposefully not sharing, Im just used to figuring my issue out first and then sharing. This isn't fair to the group. No time was this more cleae to me then after we decided where we are moving to. I was something and quiet and distant all day. I think it was the first time Craftymama has been angry with me: if I'm reading her right. It was hard seeing her angry, and knowing it was directed at me. I have to start sharing even if I haven't figured everything out yet. I'm used to being independent, and just doing things - but that's not as possible in this type of relationship.

I want another baby: I knew this already, but this week made me realize that I'm not having one for a good long time. Further, I don't think I will be the next female to have one - which is fine. But with S's birthday (today actually!), and remembering her labour and birth ( story found here ), I'm really sad at the thought that another pregnancry, birth, and baby aren't in my near future. But, what surprises me is how genuinely excited I am about Craftymama having a baby. I'm stoked about experiencing that side of things, and being there for her, and supporting her, and all those things that come along with it.

Glassman is a lot more intelligent, patient, and communicative than I ever thought. Having Cableman to compare him to makes me realize how much he has grown as a person. I don't feel guilty for my impatience with him in the past, everything is subjective afterall, but I am glad that I am able to appreciate him now. Having actualy life related conversations where he is involved isn't as frustrating as it used to be. Unless its his issue that he is sharing, that is still an issue of frustration with me.

I'm loving the boys more and more as actual kids: especially R. I haven't felt like we had connected on that actual parental/child basis: but the snuggles I have gotten on the couch, and even his demeanour with me is changing recently. I love the relationship we are building!

On a poly related note:
The 3-person triad is currently struggling. We are having some issues, but no one can really pinpoint what they are, so we aren't talking about them. I miss the days where I felt completely comfortable around them. When sitting in bed watching Roseanne was completely relaxing. I need to know where the tension is coming from.

And Baby Makes.....

S is walking! Well, not really, but she took her first steps last night. Here's the video:



I can't believe it!

Her walking, and well, the 'original' plan of being pregnant by this time have really got me thinking about babies. In fact, its on all of our minds.

Do we want to have another baby?
Who would have the baby?
How would that affect every other existing relationship?

Our families would most likely disown us. We already have four kids under 4, and we are still adjusting to caring for them and our house, and well - given that its a new relationship - no one is sure they are really ready.

Simply wanting to have a baby is never a good enough reason to have one. Then there is the fact that we do have 4 children - we are lucky to have so many wonderful, amazing kids. It's a lot of pressure on Glassman to be the sole provider for all of us, and I don't want to strain him any farther.

Then there is the issue of space. Our house is only so big. Where would a baby sleep? We would need another car, or a 15 passenger van as we already use all the seats in our 7-seater.

There are a lot of reasons not to have any more children: at least not any time soon. Not that we would try to have a baby right this second - even if we decide we do want more kids.

I am having terrible baby fever - my baby is a toddler. I want so desperately to be pregnant. And I really want to have another baby. More than all that, I want our family to be stable and strong and happy.