And If You Close Your Eyes...

Sometimes the best intentions are simply not enough. For my mental health issues I have tried 17 different medications, and 4 different forms of therapy. I have tried. I have cried. I have given up only to pull myself back together and try again. This time, I'm trying Electro Convulsive Therapy - ECT. This decision has not come lightly or easily, it is not made without fear. It is made with some hope though. Hope that my brain will get a bit of a restart so that this next form of therapy I am going to be trying will have a better shot at working. In order to get the ECT I had to get a second opinion from another psychiatrist. You need two yes's before you're allowed to undergo treatment. In that appointment, I was reminded that when I was diagnosed bipolar, I was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It's not that I had forgotten, it's that I had been dealing with the extremes of bipolar that the thought that the borderline could be affecting things never entered my mind. But it explains why the medications never completely helped me. This revelation has crushed another part of me. But, my original statement - good intentions not being enough - I told someone that I was trying to get ECT, someone close and who loves me a great deal, and who matters to me a great deal, and instead of support or encouragement I was shot with all the negative effects of ECT, how dangerous it was. After confronting said person about how unhelpful that was, I was merely told that she "hoped it worked out for me" and that I "get what I want". So passive aggressive. So annoying. So not helpful.

The kids are doing well. It has pretty much been decided that we will be homeschooling R next year. K will most likely be attending grade 1 at the school, and the little kids will continue on on their ECE journey. This decision was actually one of the easiest ones that needs to be made.

The pressing ones include the mortgage payments, the bills, where I'm working and how, when EI and disability will kick in, what we want our lives to look like. It's the huge stuff that's up in the air right now. We are deciding what our lives will be, what our goals and dreams are and how to best go about attaining them. This is not an easy thing.

J is 4 months old today. He is 16lbs 14oz and is 26.75" long. He rolls over both ways and has two teeth - he is already eager to get big - much to craftymama's chagrin. BigR is mopey, miserable and sad as a result of his current schooling experience. He has yet another new teacher. K is *still* 6-year-changing it up and is full of attitude and entitlement, it exasperates me every single day. M, well, M is so hard. All of his emotions are expressed as anger, but at his core he is so sweet. He is so affected by media and video games (which cableman allows them to utilize), as well as his bloog sugar level. Though we often joke that BigR needs routine and schedule because he is the most sensitive - M is really the kid that needs the most structure. Without it, he loses his place both within himself and the world. LittleR is still weird. She tells us she has an ocean unicorn in her room named Giraffey who cries chocolate tears. That pretty much sums her up. Craftymama and I are surviving. We are forging a path to happiness, and doing so takes its toll on us as individuals and as a couple. But, we will survive this.

There are three holes in my knee

I went in for surgery on Monday. It was supposed to start at 1:30 but didn't get started until 3:30. It was a very long wait in a very boring waiting room by myself and without my phone - oh my reliance on technology. I get into the operating room and the anesthesiologist is an ass. He talks to me but cuts me off before I finish speaking. He jabs the needle in my arm, literally jabs, several times to get an iv in. Finally he gets it - but ftr I have a big blue and yellow bruise now because of his less then gentle approach. Off to sleep I go - it is the coolest feeling ever, I love trying to fight it and being completely unable to.

I wake up and am instantly wide awake - though apparently I was yelling for craftymama when I first started to come out of it. I have no recollection of this. The pain was immediately there. Something that I hadn't felt in my previous two surgeries. After about half an hour I was wheeled to another area where I waited and ten eventually got myself dressed and then wheeled in a wheelchair out to craftymama. They gave me a prescription for tramadol and for physio and pretty much sent me in my way. I don't even really know what kind of surgery they did. At home I did some research on tramadol and found out it's partially contraindicated with a med I'm on and my history. I call the nurse's line who agrees with my assessment, but says take it for the first day and call my doctor the next. I do that am told by the receptionist that my surgeon is tied up all day but she will call me back the next day. Meanwhile it hurts like a son of a, but I am moving around as much as I  able. She calls back the next morning and says to go to the pharmacy and get t3's, I wait a couple of hours and call the pharmacy to see if they have filled the prescription and they haven't even gotten it yet. I call the office back and she's like "oh yeah, I guess you need a prescription for that, well I don't want to bother the dr so just take extra strength Tylenol ever three hours" ugh!

Then I call the physio department at the hospital to schedule some physio and am told that they don't do knees anymore and neither does the duncan hospital - so I have to go to a private clinic - which I can't afford.

This surgery has sucked. It's been 5 days since I had it an it still hurts so bad. It's insane. The incision sights are like searing sharp pain. This sucks so bad!

All the things

The stomach flu hit us hard! First I got it, mildly, then the kids got it, then I got it again severely with Craftymama getting it as well. It was a week long puking fest - but luckily we seem to be on the mend now.

The drywall is completely done in our bedroom, and soon I won't be allowed in there. Craftymama wants to surprise me with a completely finished room. I hate surprises, but this one should be a good one. The platform bed needs to be built, the walls need to be painted, trim needs to go up, the floors need to be painted - so much to do! I want to be able to help her, but we all know how handy I am not.

We also want to paint the living room - for this she wants my help. I suck at taping and there is so much to tape in there, and goodness forgive me if I get paint on the original trim around everything. I'm hoping she tapes most of it, and then I can prime it. She is also going to show me how to prime properly, with patience, so that I don't have to do eight thousand coats. I am stingy when it comes to paint - it's cause I don't like to waste it and don't like to spill or splatter on anything - both of which I am known for.

The mud room, also known as the hole, is almost done as well. Shelves and bench have been built, the door has been painted, the walls are painted - to be honest I am not sure what's left other than trim. It seems every room in our house needs trim though - it is the finishing touch I suppose.

The kids are doing great in school. LittleR loves kindercottage and has transitioned beautifully to it. She is still getting used to playing with the other friends, but there have been no tears or complaints about going. R is gearing up for his class 1 readiness testing. In kindergarten they do a class 1 readiness test in which they look at the children's motor skills, drawings, and personality and decide if they are ready to move on past kindergarten. Now R is 6 so technically, in public school, he could be in grade 1 now, and would definitely be ready for grade 1 next year. However, I have some concerns about him. He lack certain coordination when it comes to skipping, which they look for. His drawings aren't quite at the level they want them to be at, and he still sometimes holds his crayons with a closed fist. I don't want to hold him back, but I want to do what's right for him, and if they determine he is not ready then Craftymama and I have some talking to do.

Craftymama and I have had some parenting discussions as of late. I have been stern, more stern than I need to be, with the kids, and not present with them when I am with them. I am not making excuses at all, but I know part of it has to do with the current depression I am battling. I am cycling through a down phase right now, and hoping it ends soon so I can get back to my normal self. I need to have opinions and actually care about things. I need to be present with my kids so as to create good memories with them, and most of all I need to find myself among all of this.

Work goes decently. I have been trying to have renewed motivation to complete my job and the tasks at hand, and slowly but surely they are getting done. I am getting some help tomorrow to help guide me in the right direction so I can start 2013 off on the right foot. My car is wonderful to have and I am thankful everyday for my boss who bought it for the company, but really bought it for me to use to get to and from work. The only downside is a side effect from my medication is extreme fatigue/exhaustion/drowsiness and I am certainly suffering from those. It makes driving and functioning at both work and home near impossible at times. I have a call into my doctor to help remedy this but for now I am living on whatever caffeine pills I can get my hands on, even though their effectiveness is waning.

C and my sister N are doing splendidly. She has hit a bit of a snag in her own mental health but is getting back on track. I love little miniC so much. It is so awesome to be able to see him grow and to know him in that way. I was super close, or at least I felt close to my sister E's oldest child who we will call BigM. I felt our relationship was special and she helped me through a lot of things. Though we aren't close now, due to distance, circumstance, and strained relationships, she will always hold a special place in my heart. It seems C and I are building that same relationship, I only hope we are not separated like BigM and I were.

Lastly, I want to touch on my weight. I have been running every other day, and I was working with a trainer but I simply cannot shed the extra weight I am carrying. I know that another side effect of my meds is weight gain and retention but there must be a way to combat that. I could probably due a workout on my off running days but then when would I have time to spend with Craftymama, and where would I find the energy when I am already exhausted from the day and my medication. It is frustrating to have been working hard for over a year with only weight gain instead of weight loss. I want to get down to where I was before my bipolar hit me hard - it's just feeling impossible lately.

Today

Today I am sitting in Nanaimo's smaller library. Craftymama is at home building a wall (I'm thinking of changing her name to constructmama or something of the like - she is quite the whiz when it comes to fixing and building things), and doing some of her schoolwork.

I dropped the boys off with Cableman, and the girls off with Glassman. Glassman actually gave me a hug when I dropped them off, I guess he realized how weird it was too for this to be happening. It was a bittersweet moment for me. The girls left happily though, I will see them again tomorrow when he brings them back.

So that leaves me. I did the grocery list, finished Glassman's Christmas present,  and now have two hours to kill. I'll go pick up a pickle present for Christmas (whoever finds the pickle ornament on Christmas morning gets the present - its an old tradition that no one seems to no it's origins - but it's fun to do.)

I should have brought my knitting.

The Fall

No, no one fell - this is about the season.

Andrea loves fall - its beautiful, and most importantly it's not summer! Me on the other hand, I like the pretty leaves - when they are on the trees, but we live in a house that is covered with trees, and thus the raking begins. So many leaves already and it's only the 3rd week of October. They haven't even really began to fall yet. This is going to be a long fall of raking and bagging, raking and bagging.

Then there is that rain thing I talked about last time.

Our yard is such a disaster, toys everywhere, little indents in the ground where we get mud puddles, those leaves, and total chaos of plants and shrubs everywhere. The yard is why we bought the house and it is so much more work than I ever anticipated it being. But the whole house has been more work than I anticipated - so I guess it makes sense that the yard is too.

We need a place for the kids to put their toys - and then they need to put them there. We also need a place for them to park their bikes so that they don't get wet and rusted in the rain.

So many things to do.

This entry was pretty pointless, but sometimes, daily life can be pretty mundane.

Jump Around

We jump around from project to project don't we?

The boy's floor is almost done, the airlock chamber is almost done, and then craftymama got excited about the yellow room (this little non room off the kitchen) and we have bought a desk for it, refurbished a chair for the desk, and found a comfy chair to sit in in the corner. Craftymama now feels the urge to paint the room. One thing at a time!

But that's not the way we do things...ha ha ha

M is all but potty trained during the day now! Which makes taking him to school less nerve wracking now. It's a relief to not have to go through so many pairs of pants. I would say I'm proud of him, and I am to an extent, but he was potty trained before and then just stopped. So I guess I more expect him to be there now. I am happy for him, elated, but idk - I found myself getting quite frustrated near the end.

Just like I'm frustrated with LittleR going into Glassman's room every night. She does it from the nights I wasn't there and she was just told to go see daddy. Now it's a nightly thing, and because he doesn't wake up, she gets to sleep there all night. I suppose it's not a bad thing - it's just frustrating.

My motivation at work is still really low. It's like I need some sort of boost. I'm hoping when this guy Mark comes over to take over a lot of the marketing that I will focus more on the day to day stuff and won't be stressing over marketing like I am now. Maybe then, without the stress, I'll be able to focus and concentrate more as I will have an actual job description and what not. Here's hoping anyways.

C et al.

K turned 5! When did she get so big. We got her a bike and she rides it like a pro. Her birthday was celebrated quietly with family and GrandpaS in attendance. She loved it, and of course loved the attention.

Craftymama has picked up a few random projects. There is the airlock chamber which is now just waiting for a floor which is waiting for us to roll all those pennies so we have money for said floor. She has also taken up the outside deck and prettied it up by getting an adirondack chair and table. It looks cute and so much bigger out there now. And with the shoes in the hole (what we call the old cold storage area in the back of the house off the kitchen) things are much more organized. I'm not sure what her next random project will be but I'm pretty sure it will be the yellow room. She has already bought a desk and wants to use it to study. So we shall see where her motivation takes her.

BTW, do you know how hard it is to find a front door. Sheesh they are so expensive!

I'm doing well I think. I'm looking to get the waldorf required reading texts and hoping to continue on with them. I'm worried this is never going to happen for me, which would be crushing. I want a career so bad. I want *this* career so bad. I feel like it's a perfect match for me and I would excel at it. But with cost and time and other things it just seem like an impossibility. I am supporting Craftymama with her school, as it is vitally important to her, and I hope hope hope we continue to make this happen for her. I must ensure that it does.

I'm lacking motivation at work again. I can't seem to make myself care. My boss was telling me about a raise - but I don't think I deserve it at all.

Speaking of work, I have already missed so many things at the kids's school. I hate that. I want to be the involved mom, socializing and gossiping with other moms. I make their lunches which I like - at least this far, and I made K's birthday snack. I'm being as involved as I can be.

I've also started sewing for Bamboletta Dolls - the same company that Craftymama works for. It's exciting and very nerve wracking. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect like she is - but logically I know I won't and can't be. I'm just sewing my first doll and its so rough. But it'll be some extra money which is always nice, and it will hopefully give me something to do in the evenings. Though I really miss having the motivation to knit. What's happened to all my drive and desire. I feel so baseline lately and I dislike it.

My running also goes well. I ran 5k finally! Granted it was in 41.5 minutes - but the point is I did it. I ran and I floated off the ground and used proper form that Craftymama advised me on - and it felt good. I felt like I could have kept going forever. I'm now nervous to run again (tonight). Why do I put so much pressure on myself?

Lastly, I welcomed my nephew C into the world on September 6th. It was an amazing experience being her 'birth partner' and helping her through everything. It was reliving to see how much I cared for and about her. C is absolutely perfect and such a great little baby - granted he is still small and curled up so he will stop his tons of sleeping that he is currently doing, I really enjoy going to visit them on my lunch breaks.

Fixing and Freezing

So the boys' room is being done now. I have given up control of it as I am never home to do it. So Craftymama is doing it with my input. I'm so lucky to have someone like her home. She is really into the reno's and without her we wouldn't have gotten this much done. So far she has taken out a closet, removed ceiling panels, scraped the bead board, primed and painted the ceiling, and primed and painted the walls. My job: cleanup lol, and in doing so I stepped on an old rusty nail and got it lodged 2" or so in my foot. Hello tetanus shot. It hurt.

After the boys' room we are going to be doing the bathroom. *deep breath* (for me anyways). It really needs a facelift...actually a whole body lift. We are moving all the fixtures to the right, getting a new vanity and bathtub, tiling the floor, replacing the subfloor, and painting. My boss at work is willing to help us out financially (bless him), and has recommended a guy that can help us to the installs, plumbing, and floors. So hopefully, this doesn't end up costing us an arm and a leg. I know it will though.

It's getting colder, and with our old house we definitely feel it early. We still sleep with blankets on, and sometimes the temperature requires my warm fuzzy pants. I know we will have to turn the boiler on before I normally like to, but I'm holding out as long as possible.

And a Puppy makes...?

So its no secret to anyone that knows me that I've always wanted a dog. Since high school, where my mentor had 2-3 Malamutes, I was hooked. I wanted a malamute. They are giant, and gentle, and big, and smart and just wonderful creatures. I am awed by them. Craftymama has also always wanted a dog - her goals, as always, were more familial: she wanted Golden Retriever. So..we want a dog.

Glassman, on the other hand, is quite anti-dog, and R is scared of dogs generally. So..do we get a dog? On the one hand this seems like the worst time to get a dog - we are buying a house and moving after all. On the other hand, with my depression, Andrea leaving her green house, no sign of a baby anywhere in the future, and general life stresses it sure would be nice to have something happy, something to look forward to in a way.

We went and looked at this 5yr old Malamute at the local SPCA. I fell in love. She was a big gentle giant. The downside is that she comes with all her adult dog quirks, and wasn't raised around kids - though seems fine with them. We also went and saw a husky/shepherd cross puppy. He was adorable! It'd be awesome to have a dog right from puppy hood. But, a puppy requires immediate training - she nips after all.

So do we get one of these dogs? If so..which one?

And then there is glassman - who simply doesn't want a dog. He doesn't even take responsibility for the pets he wanted/payed for. Technically he is choosing to live with us at Wharncliffe, so we are free to get a dog. On the other hand, we do need to (do we?) need to take his needs into consideration. So Idk..

And then there is the whole thing of wanting something that I feel is mine - and with working full time, and commuting to Nanaimo for work - the dog wont be mine, no matter what it is. But that's a whole separate issue...

So..a dog..a puppy..a canine of some sort may be in our future. I am nervously optimistic that this is a good thing.

Committed

The three of us are committed.

We have agreed to buy a house together. Well, that was the plan, but Glassman's credit wasn't good enough so Craftymama and me are buying it and Glassman will be paying into contingencies, and property tax etc with the intention of going on the mortgage in a year. The offer has been accepted and we have been approved by CMHC...so its just the inspection and what not left.

Its funny, not all that much has changed and yet everything is different. We still live with glassman, he still buys us coffee, we still get him stuff, and we still drink together occasionally. And we are getting this house together. It seems all very relationshippy - and yet, we aren't. There is that spark missing. To be honest, sometimes its still there. Sometimes I can see Craftymama and Glassman look at eachother and its exactly as it was before. Sometimes glassman picks me up and spins me around and its exactly as it was before.

We are creating a new breed of family - again. Its different, but it doesnt mean its bad. There are more people to love the kids - and thats really the most important. We are all happy - save for the few days here and there where we just get stabby and irritated.

Its weird, and its not weird and there are benefits and drawbacks...but here we are...again... Us3plus4.

Sleep and my never ending problems with it

Sleep, as I have said numerous times in numerous places, is a giant issue for me.

I feel closest to people when I sleep, I feel the most vulnerable during sleep, and I also have the purest moments of happiness (usually) when I am just waking up and am in the half asleep state.

As I said in my previous entry after spending nights on the couch that bedroom, and that bed ceased to be mine. In fact, after the very first night of me not being there it was no longer mine - all it took was one night. I'm sure this feeling was accentuated by the fact that this house still doesn't feel like mine, so anything that did feel like mine was being hung unto by a thread - threatening to break with any stress, and the stress of my and Glassman's ending relationship was certainly enough to break that one.

That bed was always the triads bed. Even though Craftymama and I shared it alone while Glassman was at school, and numerous combinations have had sex on it multiple times. We bought the bed together, it was our first big purchase. All three of us tried it out at the bed store - which was funny in and of itself.

When the triad broke up, during our break, it could no longer be the triad's bed, or at least it could no longer exist the way it used to. Given that I was the one who had broken the triad up, I was the one walking away from the bed. Further, they spent that first night together in the bed - which I believe may also have been there first night sleeping alone in a bed together. So with the triad broken, and the bed belonging to no one, it went, by default, to the first pair sleeping there.

Also, I was on the couch. In the exact same position, with S, and also with the same blanket as I had been on many nights in the past when Glassman and I used to live with Cableman and Craftymama on weekends. It was painfully familiar. So much so that it felt like home. I looked out the window and saw the same things I saw all those nights ago when the evenings would be filled with talking and crying and the mornings filled with awkwardness. It was like thats how it was meant to be. So though I hated every second of it, sleeping on the couch with S felt more like home. Thus, further solidifying the bed not being mine. When I would go in there to get dressed, I always felt I was going into someone else's room.

I am back in the bed now. But it still doesn't feel like mine. I still feel like an intruder, and I still feel like I belong on the couch. I am working on that. It will take time for me.

Its such a silly little issue. I mean, its just a bed right? Perhaps its because I put so much value in sleep, that the location of sleep becomes just as important. Either way...it is what it is.

Where My Life Would Be

I have been wondering of late where my life would be right now if things hadn't have happened as they did back in November.

My feelings for Craftymama had been there for a very long time, and were approaching a breaking point for me, wherein, I would have had to tell her how I felt. If it did mean losing our friendship, then I dont think she would have realized how she felt - though she claims otherwise.

Glassman and I had intended to start trying for another baby in March, so hopefully by now we would be pregnant. Craftymama also wanted to get pregnant in March - we were going to be pregnant together: that dream has gone out the window.

I'd still probably be living in our small little 1 bedroom basement suite - which I loved and which was cheap! We'd still have the blue car that we had just purchased brand spanken new in the beginning of October, and we'd probably be watching the same dvd's of scrubs, stargate, and law and order in the evenings.

Now, I live in a seemingly giant house - though it seems small for 7 people. I drive a minivan - we traded in the brand new blue car, for a 2008 minivan and owed *more* money on it. And we dont even have a tv (well we do, but its in the craft room down stairs, not hooked up).

I say these things like Im complaining, but Im really not. All those things are material in nature, and the love I am experiencing now for my family is far more important, valuable, and awesome than any of those things. Do I miss my old life sometimes? Of course, but only in that looking back on the past; remembering how great it was, and wishing you could relive it just to experience it fully kind of way.

I wouldnt trade my life for the world. I Love Craftymama and Glassman and all of our very loud, very messy, and very adorable kids.