All the things

The stomach flu hit us hard! First I got it, mildly, then the kids got it, then I got it again severely with Craftymama getting it as well. It was a week long puking fest - but luckily we seem to be on the mend now.

The drywall is completely done in our bedroom, and soon I won't be allowed in there. Craftymama wants to surprise me with a completely finished room. I hate surprises, but this one should be a good one. The platform bed needs to be built, the walls need to be painted, trim needs to go up, the floors need to be painted - so much to do! I want to be able to help her, but we all know how handy I am not.

We also want to paint the living room - for this she wants my help. I suck at taping and there is so much to tape in there, and goodness forgive me if I get paint on the original trim around everything. I'm hoping she tapes most of it, and then I can prime it. She is also going to show me how to prime properly, with patience, so that I don't have to do eight thousand coats. I am stingy when it comes to paint - it's cause I don't like to waste it and don't like to spill or splatter on anything - both of which I am known for.

The mud room, also known as the hole, is almost done as well. Shelves and bench have been built, the door has been painted, the walls are painted - to be honest I am not sure what's left other than trim. It seems every room in our house needs trim though - it is the finishing touch I suppose.

The kids are doing great in school. LittleR loves kindercottage and has transitioned beautifully to it. She is still getting used to playing with the other friends, but there have been no tears or complaints about going. R is gearing up for his class 1 readiness testing. In kindergarten they do a class 1 readiness test in which they look at the children's motor skills, drawings, and personality and decide if they are ready to move on past kindergarten. Now R is 6 so technically, in public school, he could be in grade 1 now, and would definitely be ready for grade 1 next year. However, I have some concerns about him. He lack certain coordination when it comes to skipping, which they look for. His drawings aren't quite at the level they want them to be at, and he still sometimes holds his crayons with a closed fist. I don't want to hold him back, but I want to do what's right for him, and if they determine he is not ready then Craftymama and I have some talking to do.

Craftymama and I have had some parenting discussions as of late. I have been stern, more stern than I need to be, with the kids, and not present with them when I am with them. I am not making excuses at all, but I know part of it has to do with the current depression I am battling. I am cycling through a down phase right now, and hoping it ends soon so I can get back to my normal self. I need to have opinions and actually care about things. I need to be present with my kids so as to create good memories with them, and most of all I need to find myself among all of this.

Work goes decently. I have been trying to have renewed motivation to complete my job and the tasks at hand, and slowly but surely they are getting done. I am getting some help tomorrow to help guide me in the right direction so I can start 2013 off on the right foot. My car is wonderful to have and I am thankful everyday for my boss who bought it for the company, but really bought it for me to use to get to and from work. The only downside is a side effect from my medication is extreme fatigue/exhaustion/drowsiness and I am certainly suffering from those. It makes driving and functioning at both work and home near impossible at times. I have a call into my doctor to help remedy this but for now I am living on whatever caffeine pills I can get my hands on, even though their effectiveness is waning.

C and my sister N are doing splendidly. She has hit a bit of a snag in her own mental health but is getting back on track. I love little miniC so much. It is so awesome to be able to see him grow and to know him in that way. I was super close, or at least I felt close to my sister E's oldest child who we will call BigM. I felt our relationship was special and she helped me through a lot of things. Though we aren't close now, due to distance, circumstance, and strained relationships, she will always hold a special place in my heart. It seems C and I are building that same relationship, I only hope we are not separated like BigM and I were.

Lastly, I want to touch on my weight. I have been running every other day, and I was working with a trainer but I simply cannot shed the extra weight I am carrying. I know that another side effect of my meds is weight gain and retention but there must be a way to combat that. I could probably due a workout on my off running days but then when would I have time to spend with Craftymama, and where would I find the energy when I am already exhausted from the day and my medication. It is frustrating to have been working hard for over a year with only weight gain instead of weight loss. I want to get down to where I was before my bipolar hit me hard - it's just feeling impossible lately.

Some End, Some Change, Some Rearrange

It's been a long time since I've updated. At first it was because nothing was new, so I had nothing to talk about, then when something giant did happen I was without a computer.

Relationships have changed.

I guess from the beginning. We tried out living with Cableman, and it worked, kind of. It worked well enough to make it a permanant situation. So we moved, into the green house - which is actually being painted yellow and red now. His presence drastically changed all relationships. Our triad lost its groove, and we all felt it. We still don't have it back. But that could be due to another relationship changing.

Glassman and I took a break. I had been realizing, over the course of longer than I think anyone (save maybe Craftymama) knows. I have been struggling with our relationship for quite some time now, and it finally got to the point where I didn't think it was fair to keep doing it any longer. We had a talk one night and I told him I wasn't sure I loved him anymore, and I thought we should take a break. He took this to mean breaking up - assumptions ftw!

Over the course of our break it was very weird. He still kissed craftymama goodbye in the morning, and was still affectionate with her. It was weird seeing my husband be affectionate with someone else while at the same time giving me the cold shoulder - why wouldn't he? I had broken his heart. We alternated who slept in the bed with Craftymama, and I didn't sleep when I was on the couch. Those were long nights. I am more dependent on her than I ever realized before this.

We talked as a group off and on during our break, and I eventually realized that I still wanted to be in a relationship with Glassman, but that it needed to be different. He needed to know the difference, at least in my mind, between relationships. And he needed to be okay with my desire to be with Craftymama on a deeper level. It didn't/doesn't take away my love for him; my love for her is just more powerful than I could have ever anticipated.

He also admitted that he hasn't been himself around me since he returned from school the first time. He has been trying to be the person I want him to be. I loathe fake people, so maybe I was able to sense this on some level.

Either way, we decided to try again. From complete scratch. I feel more comfortable to do the things I want to do, and I have stopped feeling guilty for the way I feel about Craftymama. I am hoping he has started to be himself around me, but I'm not him so I don't know. We all sleep in the same bed again. The topic of it not feeling like my room anymore is for another post, one I hope to do shortly.

So Glassman and I are starting again - this time for real. Im nervous.

I proposed to Craftymama! Hell yeah I did! It was a perfect proposal, done at a Starbucks while we were knitting one night. I have had the ring for a while but was always looking for the "right" time, when all relationships were more stable and what not. I finally decided to do it. It was a wonderfully surreal evening - oh, she said yes! Obviously. We are excitedly planning a wedding for October 9th 2011. Glassman was genuinely excited for us, and asked to walk me down the aisle - so sweet.

Cableman and Craftymama are also on a bit of a hiatus. There relationship, in her words, has always been one of convenience, and though she loves him (and he her) they don't mesh well together as partners and have to work on that in order to make something stable, loving, and awesome for the both of them. Cableman is understandably devasted by this voiced changed (Craftymama has been feeling this way for a while).

Honesty is going to go a long way in making this triad (quad?) work. In being honest in the past little while I have strengthened an already strong relationship, started anew one that is failing, and witnessed a change in another that will hopefully bring both parties some happiness.

Oh What a Tangled Web We've Woven

So life.

I'm aware that's banned - even from my blog world.

Life has been a series of ups and downs. Craftymama has been having a really hard time dealing with R spending overnights with Cableman. It's getting harder and harder to drop him off. She doesn't want her boys growing up in two separate houses like she did. Neither myself nor Glassman can really stand seeing the pain in her eyes, or the epic meltdown from M when Cableman takes R away. It's hard on everyone. Personally, I feel overwhelming guilt because I believe that had I not given Craftymama an ultimatum (essentially) or made her realize how she felt than she wouldn't be in this situation. Alas, here we are.

It was always hoped that everyone could live together; even just a house with a basement suite. So that all the kids could see Cableman all the time, and so he could be there for all the little things a father wants to be there for in his kids' lives.

We have been discussing, lately, doing just that - everyone living together. It's falling more and more apart moreso than it's coming together. There have been accusations of cheating, there have been discussions multiple times over the same topic with no headway, and there has been much frustration. On the one hand, I am glad Cableman is communicating - Im glad we all are. But it feels like we are trying to convince him, or that he is trying to make himself okay with something that he clearly isn't okay with.

I'm actually at a point where I dont know what to do.

The boys need to be with Cableman - Craftymama cannot bear them to be living in two separate houses - Cableman can't handle seeing Craftymama with us - and I can't stand to see everyone so unhappy and miserable.

Something has to change. Someone has to compromise. Not everyone can win this time, someone is losing big time.

Introduction time

Cableman was mentioned in Craftymama's introduction, but should have one of his own as well. He is obviously married to Craftymama, and the father to M and R. He is incredibly sensitive, a people pleaser, and desires to fix everything for everyone. He is very particular about his things, and has collections of geekery. He is amazingly positive about life, and wants nothing more than for those he loves to be happy.

Communication Breakdown

There are issues abound in the house.

From what I gather that has been kind of discussed,

Glassman was made to feel segragated. He was frustrated with a spoken lack of patience on my part - though I hadn't reached the end of my patience yet, with a back injury of his. He feels I don't include him in budget things. He has not felt connected with either myself or Craftymama in weeks.

Craftymama is feeling homesick for the life she used to have. Guilty for doing this to her boys. Can't think of a workable solution to fix it. Frustrated with her husband for his inability to understand.

I am feeling underappreciated. I feel like I am living in my head not my heart and that scares me. I am feeling incredibly distant on a more regular basis from Craftymama, and Glassman and I are either awesome or we are right back to our old habits - this changes daily.

All of these things should be talked about, worked through, and dealt with. Alas, no one is sharing - so the feelings linger.