Death

On October 18th, 2013 my dad died. He died of liver cancer causing his liver and kidneys to fail. Apparently it was peaceful, his brother and sister were there with him when it happened.

Everyone keeps asking me how I am doing, or how I feel. The truth is, I don't know.

It was easy, when my dad was alive, to hold on to that hope that one day we would be able to have a relationship with one another. It was easy not to think about him. Now I find I am stuck in this place where I think about him frequently and have so many questions that I can never get answered.

It's not that we didn't try to have a relationship. We both tried at various points in our lives, but we could never get on the same wave length to hear what the other had to say. He was always so stubborn, and I pretended, even to myself, that I didn't need or want him in my life.

I am mourning the loss of something that never was. My family tells me I was a daddy's girl while he was at home, but I don't remember, I don't really have any memories from when he lived at home - I wish I did. I wish I had some great memories to counter act the bad ones I have of him after he left. I need to believe at some point he was a decent guy.

There won't be a service for him, as he didn't want one. I won't get to see his body one last time before he is cremated. I have no idea what he looks like now, how he has aged since I last saw him 3.5 years ago.

It has hit me harder than I imagined it would. There have been numerous times when I hadn't heard from him for quite some time, or had been told that he was really sick that I wondered if he had died, I honestly thought his extended absences had prepared me for his ultimate death - but they didn't.

I am left angry, upset, sad, lost and confused. There is no handbook for grief, there is no right way to feel, and yet I feel like I am doing it all wrong.

I don't know what I want or need from others around me, I don't know what I need to do for myself. I just keep stifling my feelings and allowing some of them to come to the surface when I am alone and it is quiet - healthy I know.

He was my dad, and I never knew him - and now I'll never get the chance.