Joining in...or Not

So I have an issue.

I don't like being where I am 100% not wanted. That problem is coupled with the fact that I don't think anyone would tell me if I wasn't 100% not wanted.

We have a rule, when it comes to sex, that if two are having it, and haven't specifically requested time alone, then the 3rd is always welcome to join in. I would never join in. Part of the reason is like I said in my previous entry, I try to facilitate time between them because time is important, and also because as this entry says I don't want to be somewhere I'm not wanted.

But this issue goes beyond sex. When we are laying in bed together, and Craftymama is sleep cheese, if I am cuddled up next to her, and Glassman cuddles up close to her other side I move away. I dislike this because I like sleeping close to her, and I know 9 times out of 10 she likes to sleep close to me. There have been instances where she hasn't wanted me to close to her, two actually - both this week, but in general, we like to sleep close and can't get close enough.

Why do I move away?

Is it a not wanting to share thing? Obviously, I don't mind sharing her, or myself, with other people. I know I'm wanted there. So why don't I join in on the cuddle? It goes even farther than that, when the two of them are sitting next to eachother on the couch, I default to the loveseat across from them. I have realized, over the past two weeks, that this default position has made me feel more distant from them, and separate.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe it's because I dont give my relationships enough credit. I don't take or request time with Glassman. Well, I did once, just before he left for school, while Craftymama was busy piecing our epic package to send with him - but he says he didn't hear me, so I was shot down. I don't request it with Craftymama because I feel guilty.

Aha! There's another issue I hadn't realized. I feel guilty for spending time with Craftymama because I know Glassman doesn't get as much actual time (because he works), and I don't spend time with Glassman because I feel he would rather be with Craftymama. Not because I think he loves her more, but because we have had those years to have time together - they haven't, and because their relationship is still in NRE, so its hormonal/chemical for him to want to be with her.

Where does that leave me? Feeling separate. But I did it to myself, and I continue to do it to myself.

On the one hand, I should just be confident enough to do the things I want to do, but on the other hand I feel I need to be mindful of others' needs. Maybe my hope is that if I am more mindful of the things they want, they will make more of an effort to give me the things I want.

My outlook and perception needs to change - I don't know how to do it.