Compersion as a Measure of Security

This blog post has been in the works for a little while - I have been trying to put the words on something I had been feeling, and trying to figure out why it is I feel a certain way.

So compersion. Essentially, it's getting that happy/blissful feeling from seeing your partner or partners taking joy/pleasure etc from others/eachother. Here is an article called "Compersion for Beginners" if you want to do some more reading on it.

When do I feel the greatest sense of compersion? When Glassman and Craftymama are playfully bantering or wrestling with eachother. When do I struggle with compersion the most? When they have sex.

I've been trying to figure out why this is. Why can I delight in them being playful, with eachother, but not naturally feel this wonderful feeling when they are intimate?

I think the answer is security.

The most secure area in my relationship with Glassman is the playful banter, the wrestling and the joking around. I have no fears about that ever leaving, or about me not getting my fair share (sometimes I get too much). So when I see the two of them engaging in those same actions; I can feel nothing but compersion for them.

The least secure area in my relationship with Glassman and Craftymama is when it comes to sex. I have an impressive sexual past, but am quite sexually shy and slightly naive. I have deep seeded fears that he prefers her over me (though those fears have been diminished significantly since this all started) and fears that she will prefer him over me because of anatomy alone. So when they are intimate together without me, which I both want and encourage them to be (if only so I am forced to deal with my feelings), my insecurity prevents me from feeling the sense of compersion I want.

Craftymama said the other night that her ultimate feeling of compersion is when Glassman and I have sex without her - I surmise this to be the case because she is very confident sexually. She is not afraid to ask for or take what she wants, isn't ashamed or embarrassed to admit how much she likes sex, and is pretty damn good at it. So why wouldn't she feel a great sense of compersion when two people she loves are doing something that she also loves?

I think true compersion comes when we are completely secure in our relationships. When we are able to love and accept ourselves freely, and feel in our hearts that I am worth it and I deserve all the love/happiness I want that's when we can let go of jealousy.

For the record, I love that they enjoy sex together. Craftymama's entrance into our sexual lives has enriched us both greatly. I love that they make each other so happy in that way, my insecurity lies in feeling inadequate in making them the same level of happy.

But I'm working on it.