I'm so stuck in the middle sometimes between Craftymama and Glassman. It's a hard situation and one I am not so good at dealing with.
I don't know what it's like nor can I even begin to fathom how it feels for them to be living in the same house. On the one hand Glassman has to watch me be in a relationship with someone else. Plus, that someone else is someone who he used to be in a relationship. On the other hand Craftymama has to live withher current partners ex whom her partner has children with and thus will always be connected to. Plus, she used to be in a relationship with him.
Its all very complicated.
Plus like all people there is conflict and frustrations, only because they aren't in love anymore - there isn't that buffer. I am the buffer. When Glassman does something stupid - I hear it from Craftymama. When Craftymama is being high maintenance I hear it from Glassman. It's hard to remain neutral but still supportive.
I can't remain completely neutral. Afterall, I am in a relationship with Craftymama and as a result I need to support her through her fustrations, not encourage them, but support none the less. And with Glassman, well, I will always love him - I've known him for just too long. I am no where near in love with him anymore, he is a really good friend, but there are still those need to protect feelings.
Somtimes I wish there was a pause button...oooh! or a fast forward button!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
The Kidlets
So R and K have been going to a waldorf school for quite some time now - well in the grand scheme of things I guess it isn't quite some time. But regardless. Last year, at their old school they were in the same class. The sadness at separating at the beginning of this year was heartbreaking - but they powered through.
Now we are facing the end of another year.
R will be doing another year of kindergarten - waiting for kids to be developmentally ready to move on, and to allow them to live in the innocence of childhood is fundamental to waldorf. But K will also be entering kindergarten next year - as she has now aged out of the preschool program. So we faced the decision of whether or not to put them in the same class again, or separate them. We have decided to separate them - allow them to be their own people, develop their own education journeys.
M and LittleR will be entering the preschool program next year - we definitely don't want them in the same class. They just aren't suited to be in the same class, and it will be detrimental to the both of them. We have decided to have one of the little kids go two days a week and the other go three days a week. Next year M will probably be moving to kindergarten, at that point R will be in grade one so M will go into R's kindergarten class. The year after R will go into grade 2, K will go into grade 1, M will still be in kindergarten and LittleR will go into K's old kindergarten. Oh the constant shuffling and arranging of children and their schools!
We have had the parent teacher interviews. The kids are doing well. K is excelling in her artistic expression, and R is so engrossed in childhood that it's inspiring to watch apparently. I am so glad to hear that, and so relieved to hear they are doing so well, making friends, and enjoying their childhoods.
Waldorf offers them such a great chance to experience all aspects of living, and of childhood. All aspects of nature and the seasons - and above all else of acceptance. R's class motto is "All Friends are Welcome", which is a great value to have in a class. Though all the families must have similar values to send their kids to a waldorf school, there are still some variances. Still opportunities for teasing or mockery - especially for sensitive R who is so easily influenced by others.
As time goes forward, I realize we made the right decision in sending our kids to this school. Though Unschooling is still how I believe kids learn best, it isn't right for my family, waldorf is - and its fitting. It's working. I'm proud that my kids go there.
Now we are facing the end of another year.
R will be doing another year of kindergarten - waiting for kids to be developmentally ready to move on, and to allow them to live in the innocence of childhood is fundamental to waldorf. But K will also be entering kindergarten next year - as she has now aged out of the preschool program. So we faced the decision of whether or not to put them in the same class again, or separate them. We have decided to separate them - allow them to be their own people, develop their own education journeys.
M and LittleR will be entering the preschool program next year - we definitely don't want them in the same class. They just aren't suited to be in the same class, and it will be detrimental to the both of them. We have decided to have one of the little kids go two days a week and the other go three days a week. Next year M will probably be moving to kindergarten, at that point R will be in grade one so M will go into R's kindergarten class. The year after R will go into grade 2, K will go into grade 1, M will still be in kindergarten and LittleR will go into K's old kindergarten. Oh the constant shuffling and arranging of children and their schools!
We have had the parent teacher interviews. The kids are doing well. K is excelling in her artistic expression, and R is so engrossed in childhood that it's inspiring to watch apparently. I am so glad to hear that, and so relieved to hear they are doing so well, making friends, and enjoying their childhoods.
Waldorf offers them such a great chance to experience all aspects of living, and of childhood. All aspects of nature and the seasons - and above all else of acceptance. R's class motto is "All Friends are Welcome", which is a great value to have in a class. Though all the families must have similar values to send their kids to a waldorf school, there are still some variances. Still opportunities for teasing or mockery - especially for sensitive R who is so easily influenced by others.
As time goes forward, I realize we made the right decision in sending our kids to this school. Though Unschooling is still how I believe kids learn best, it isn't right for my family, waldorf is - and its fitting. It's working. I'm proud that my kids go there.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Sexuality part 2
Why is sexuality an okay thing to joke about or make fun of? The past week has shown me just how far we haven't come in all out accepting people who are different than our own.
I was sent to an all girls private school when I was 15. Apparently, and I play along too, that just leaves so many jokes available to my bisexuality. That I should have known, or others should have known. Apparently, growing up, my whole family suspected or knew I would be gay - and told my mom as such. Further - they made jokes that two out of 3 of her daughters were gay. I was made fun of - by my sisters. And one of my sisters was gay. I was taunted in elementary school when my sister came out, and all through high school because people thought I was a boy.
All of this through my development years. Since my change in sexuality, or embracing loving a woman - I have been going through these years of my life wondering that if I had been more supported, or if people had been more open minded then maybe I would have embraced my sexuality sooner. Maybe I never would have gotten married to glassman, or maybe I would have but would have explored my gay side a little more completely before getting married. I don't know what would have happened - but I can't help but feeling that I allowed myself to be oppressed to avoid all the stigma and all the negative attention that would have come from allowing myself to be publicly out.
Why are the jokes okay? Why do I play along with them like they don't bother me? Why don't I ever speak up? In highschool I can remember going home or being reduced to tears because people called me a boy or called me gay or whatever. Maybe it hit me so hard because I really was/am.
Even now, I have realized that I don't fit the typical girl attributes. I don't have a curvy figure, I am quite rectangular, I have the short butch haircut, I can't stand wearing tight fitting clothing. I am the butch lesbian - as horribly stereotypical as that sounds. If there is a male and female in lesbian relationships - I am clearly the male, and craftymama: the nail polish wearing, hair curling, primping one, is clearly the female. This fact bothers me.
But why does it bother me? I mean - I don't like wearing tight fitting clothing. It makes me feel large and uncomfortable. Nail polish makes me feel self conscious. I do like wearing makeup sometimes - but all in all I don't enjoy being that person. But part of me feels I must. I am a girl. This is what girls do. This is what girls look like, this is what a girl is. And I am a girl - aren't I? So the fact that I don't fit what the norm is, makes me so uncomfortable and so self loathing. I am not angry or resentful of Craftymama for doing those things - its who she is. I guess a part of me just wishes I was like that and because I am so uncomfortable in my own skin I am envious of the fact that she is so comfortable in hers.
I just want to feel comfortable. In the person I am, in how I look, how I dress, my own sexuality. I want to be able to walk down the street in the clothes that feel comfortable to me (even though I don't own them yet), hold craftymama's hand and not think of all the jokes and ridicule that are out there. I want to not feel like everyone was right growing up - even if they were.
Because how would they know my sexuality before me? And if they did, who were they to tell me or even more so make fun of me for it? Who were they to determine something before I had? Maybe if they hadn't have tried to force it on me I would have found out sooner, and maybe then I'd be comfortable in my own less than feminine skin now.
I was sent to an all girls private school when I was 15. Apparently, and I play along too, that just leaves so many jokes available to my bisexuality. That I should have known, or others should have known. Apparently, growing up, my whole family suspected or knew I would be gay - and told my mom as such. Further - they made jokes that two out of 3 of her daughters were gay. I was made fun of - by my sisters. And one of my sisters was gay. I was taunted in elementary school when my sister came out, and all through high school because people thought I was a boy.
All of this through my development years. Since my change in sexuality, or embracing loving a woman - I have been going through these years of my life wondering that if I had been more supported, or if people had been more open minded then maybe I would have embraced my sexuality sooner. Maybe I never would have gotten married to glassman, or maybe I would have but would have explored my gay side a little more completely before getting married. I don't know what would have happened - but I can't help but feeling that I allowed myself to be oppressed to avoid all the stigma and all the negative attention that would have come from allowing myself to be publicly out.
Why are the jokes okay? Why do I play along with them like they don't bother me? Why don't I ever speak up? In highschool I can remember going home or being reduced to tears because people called me a boy or called me gay or whatever. Maybe it hit me so hard because I really was/am.
Even now, I have realized that I don't fit the typical girl attributes. I don't have a curvy figure, I am quite rectangular, I have the short butch haircut, I can't stand wearing tight fitting clothing. I am the butch lesbian - as horribly stereotypical as that sounds. If there is a male and female in lesbian relationships - I am clearly the male, and craftymama: the nail polish wearing, hair curling, primping one, is clearly the female. This fact bothers me.
But why does it bother me? I mean - I don't like wearing tight fitting clothing. It makes me feel large and uncomfortable. Nail polish makes me feel self conscious. I do like wearing makeup sometimes - but all in all I don't enjoy being that person. But part of me feels I must. I am a girl. This is what girls do. This is what girls look like, this is what a girl is. And I am a girl - aren't I? So the fact that I don't fit what the norm is, makes me so uncomfortable and so self loathing. I am not angry or resentful of Craftymama for doing those things - its who she is. I guess a part of me just wishes I was like that and because I am so uncomfortable in my own skin I am envious of the fact that she is so comfortable in hers.
I just want to feel comfortable. In the person I am, in how I look, how I dress, my own sexuality. I want to be able to walk down the street in the clothes that feel comfortable to me (even though I don't own them yet), hold craftymama's hand and not think of all the jokes and ridicule that are out there. I want to not feel like everyone was right growing up - even if they were.
Because how would they know my sexuality before me? And if they did, who were they to tell me or even more so make fun of me for it? Who were they to determine something before I had? Maybe if they hadn't have tried to force it on me I would have found out sooner, and maybe then I'd be comfortable in my own less than feminine skin now.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Step Parenting
Craftymama and I had a conversation the other day about how I view her parenting of K and LittleR. I guess I am protective. Further, I have always compared her love for the boys to my love for the girls. Hers is so deep and unconditional...me..I don't get as excited about pictures and random flowers. I don't have that same pull or whatever to my bio kids as she does. As a result, I always thought and felt that she was harder on the girls and that she obviously favoured them. I never thought for even a second that she didn't love the girls, I knew she did, but I questioned whether she showed it enough for them to know it.
Since that conversation I have been forcing myself to look at not the differences between how she parents the kids but instead just focus on how she shows her love for the girls. I have been amazed at the things I was missing. I was caught off guard by the little things I hadn't seen before. How when LittleR went for a sleepover as soon as Craftymama saw her she demanded a hug and picked her right up.
I am elated to see these relationships developing, and even more elated that I have opened my mind and heart up to that possibility. It's so awesome that these kids have so many parents who can express their love in a variety of ways. I think what we all have to be careful of though is each of their insecurities. I know I have to be extra careful with R to sit down with him, on his level, and look him in the eye. He doesn't give eye contact very often, but its important for us to develop trust. With K, I know we have to be careful with our words - things like leaving her behind when she is going too slowly, or someone put a bug in her stomach really stick with her. With so many different influences there are so many more opportunities to mess them up ha ha ha.
Regardless, relationships are blossoming - and its beautiful to watch.
Since that conversation I have been forcing myself to look at not the differences between how she parents the kids but instead just focus on how she shows her love for the girls. I have been amazed at the things I was missing. I was caught off guard by the little things I hadn't seen before. How when LittleR went for a sleepover as soon as Craftymama saw her she demanded a hug and picked her right up.
I am elated to see these relationships developing, and even more elated that I have opened my mind and heart up to that possibility. It's so awesome that these kids have so many parents who can express their love in a variety of ways. I think what we all have to be careful of though is each of their insecurities. I know I have to be extra careful with R to sit down with him, on his level, and look him in the eye. He doesn't give eye contact very often, but its important for us to develop trust. With K, I know we have to be careful with our words - things like leaving her behind when she is going too slowly, or someone put a bug in her stomach really stick with her. With so many different influences there are so many more opportunities to mess them up ha ha ha.
Regardless, relationships are blossoming - and its beautiful to watch.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Sexuality
There have been many things lately that have caused me to think about my own sexuality. I needn't get into what they are.
However, what I've realized is that part of my stigma or thoughts on sexuality stem from what is normal and what is expected. Things you don't notice like the lack of movies, books, general media that feature gay/lesbian couples. I would love to watch a romantic comedy (or two or three or four) with a lesbian couple starring. Why can't their be a Gay version of The Notebook? Surely, there is a market for it - even if it is smaller, even if it doesn't make it a blockbuster. Surely, there must be other people in a same sex relationship out there who would love to have a movie they relate to?
Better yet, there is a book called "Dear John, I love Jane" about women who were in committed relationships with men who then realized they wanted to be with women. Come on - there is an awesome movie idea there!
I happened on a picture today of Ellen and Portia's wedding. In it they are dancing their first dance together. They had an amazing ceremony - they sat on cushions surrounded by flowers as they said their vows with only 19 people in attendance. It sounded like such a beautiful and lovely day. It was then that I realized that I would never have that with Craftymama. Our families aren't amazingly supportive. I think parents would come - but would they even take us seriously? I would love nothing more than to have a beautiful and simple ceremony with the woman I love and have my close family and friends be there to witness it. But after divorce - does anyone take the second marriage seriously?
I worry about what other people think of our relationship far to frequently. I worry that I am disappointing someone (who, I have no idea!) by being with a woman, and I worry even more that our relationship will never get the ceremony it deserves.
But man those pictures were beautiful and almost made me cry a little.
However, what I've realized is that part of my stigma or thoughts on sexuality stem from what is normal and what is expected. Things you don't notice like the lack of movies, books, general media that feature gay/lesbian couples. I would love to watch a romantic comedy (or two or three or four) with a lesbian couple starring. Why can't their be a Gay version of The Notebook? Surely, there is a market for it - even if it is smaller, even if it doesn't make it a blockbuster. Surely, there must be other people in a same sex relationship out there who would love to have a movie they relate to?
Better yet, there is a book called "Dear John, I love Jane" about women who were in committed relationships with men who then realized they wanted to be with women. Come on - there is an awesome movie idea there!
I happened on a picture today of Ellen and Portia's wedding. In it they are dancing their first dance together. They had an amazing ceremony - they sat on cushions surrounded by flowers as they said their vows with only 19 people in attendance. It sounded like such a beautiful and lovely day. It was then that I realized that I would never have that with Craftymama. Our families aren't amazingly supportive. I think parents would come - but would they even take us seriously? I would love nothing more than to have a beautiful and simple ceremony with the woman I love and have my close family and friends be there to witness it. But after divorce - does anyone take the second marriage seriously?
I worry about what other people think of our relationship far to frequently. I worry that I am disappointing someone (who, I have no idea!) by being with a woman, and I worry even more that our relationship will never get the ceremony it deserves.
But man those pictures were beautiful and almost made me cry a little.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
And two dogs make..
We are getting two dogs...!
Yes, we got a puppy before, but after that experience we realized that our house isn't ready for the work of a puppy quite yet. We were still set on rescuing a dog, when we happened on an ad on craigslist for two older dogs (8 and 11) who desperately needed to be rehomed. They had grown up together and were essentially brothers. One is a northern breed mixed dog named Jake and the other is a golden retriever mix named Colby. This works well for Andrea and I because she wanted a golden retriever desperately and I just LOVE northern breed dogs and their stubborn intelligence.
They come with all of their things - and there are a lot of things!
We cleaned up the side back yard, put up a big 10x10 pen and are using one of the outlying buildings as a big doghouse for them. They are used to pretty much living outside, so we wanted to make sure that we could give them enough space outside.
We pick them up Saturday - I am quite excited and nervous. Two dogs! This is a huge commitment. But I think we are ready. We have gone to meet them, and brought the kids along and the kids like them. They dogs are so gentle and sweet and know so many commands. They were very well looked after and it seems they are the perfect dog for us.
Let's see where this journey takes us!
Yes, we got a puppy before, but after that experience we realized that our house isn't ready for the work of a puppy quite yet. We were still set on rescuing a dog, when we happened on an ad on craigslist for two older dogs (8 and 11) who desperately needed to be rehomed. They had grown up together and were essentially brothers. One is a northern breed mixed dog named Jake and the other is a golden retriever mix named Colby. This works well for Andrea and I because she wanted a golden retriever desperately and I just LOVE northern breed dogs and their stubborn intelligence.
They come with all of their things - and there are a lot of things!
We cleaned up the side back yard, put up a big 10x10 pen and are using one of the outlying buildings as a big doghouse for them. They are used to pretty much living outside, so we wanted to make sure that we could give them enough space outside.
We pick them up Saturday - I am quite excited and nervous. Two dogs! This is a huge commitment. But I think we are ready. We have gone to meet them, and brought the kids along and the kids like them. They dogs are so gentle and sweet and know so many commands. They were very well looked after and it seems they are the perfect dog for us.
Let's see where this journey takes us!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
It continues
I applied for a job at London Drugs not too long ago and was totally confident I'd get it - I didn't. It paid twice as much as this job does and there is a location in Duncan. I was super stoked to potentially be working so close to home. I'd get to see the kids more - it would have been awesome all around.
I am still working at Malaspina Herbs, and my commission has increased (from .75% to 3%) so it's quite a jump. Quite well appreciated on my end. We have a small debt ($750) to pay off, and I'll use my commission for that - but once it's paid off the extra income will be well worthwhile
Because...
More renos of course!
On the agenda are:
- Kitchen floors ($250 for the ones we like)
- Kitchen back splash ($250)
- Kitchen Counters ($$??)
- Over the stove range/hood ($$??)
- Kitchen wall paint ($50)
- Bathroom re-plumping ($$??)
- new tub ($400)
- new vanity ($$??)
- Bathroom walls paint ($75)
- Landscaping ($400)
- Paint for the whole house ($200)
- Some sort of non single pane windows for the whole house ($2000 I think)
- Taking out the bathroom/wall in girls' room ($$??)
- Refinishing all floors ($$??)
- Electrical work (updating board, putting anchor in house)
That list is so not exhaustive. But..its still a lot. Doesn't seem to unmanageable, and I have no doubt that we will be able to pull it all off. Eventually. We will be there for years to come so it's not like a huge rush, I just know there are others in the home who are impatient.
Craftymama and I have been continuing to go through some rough patches - we are both emotionally vulnerable for very similar and very different reasons. It's very trying at times. She is also becoming increasingly insecure about Glassman and my relationship. Having known each other for so long, and always having a bit of a weird relationship - I'm sure it can be intimidating. We make great friends, and I am happy to consider him one of my friends - but I don't think about him romantically. It was so freeing when I released him as a partner and embraced him as a friend. I recognize that Craftymama can't see that change, so I hope one day she trusts me enough to believe me.
Glassman continues his want to be a police officer which would take him away to Vancouver 4 days a week. This would be a nice change for Craftymama and I. (Though I may need to change his name to Legaldad or something ha ha ha). It would give Craftymama and I some relationship time together - we are hard pressed for alone time between the kids and always having a room mate home.
Things on the HWB front have calmed. She is still crazy but mostly keeps the crazy to trying to get her kid back, whom Cableman has all but forgotten about these days it seems. It's wonderful to partially close that baby-mama-daddy drama chapter of our lives. The story will never end completely, but it's not the forefront anymore.
Life keeps plugging along in our backwards kind of life. But its working, and the kinks are slowly but surely being figured out.
I am still working at Malaspina Herbs, and my commission has increased (from .75% to 3%) so it's quite a jump. Quite well appreciated on my end. We have a small debt ($750) to pay off, and I'll use my commission for that - but once it's paid off the extra income will be well worthwhile
Because...
More renos of course!
On the agenda are:
- Kitchen floors ($250 for the ones we like)
- Kitchen back splash ($250)
- Kitchen Counters ($$??)
- Over the stove range/hood ($$??)
- Kitchen wall paint ($50)
- Bathroom re-plumping ($$??)
- new tub ($400)
- new vanity ($$??)
- Bathroom walls paint ($75)
- Landscaping ($400)
- Paint for the whole house ($200)
- Some sort of non single pane windows for the whole house ($2000 I think)
- Taking out the bathroom/wall in girls' room ($$??)
- Refinishing all floors ($$??)
- Electrical work (updating board, putting anchor in house)
That list is so not exhaustive. But..its still a lot. Doesn't seem to unmanageable, and I have no doubt that we will be able to pull it all off. Eventually. We will be there for years to come so it's not like a huge rush, I just know there are others in the home who are impatient.
Craftymama and I have been continuing to go through some rough patches - we are both emotionally vulnerable for very similar and very different reasons. It's very trying at times. She is also becoming increasingly insecure about Glassman and my relationship. Having known each other for so long, and always having a bit of a weird relationship - I'm sure it can be intimidating. We make great friends, and I am happy to consider him one of my friends - but I don't think about him romantically. It was so freeing when I released him as a partner and embraced him as a friend. I recognize that Craftymama can't see that change, so I hope one day she trusts me enough to believe me.
Glassman continues his want to be a police officer which would take him away to Vancouver 4 days a week. This would be a nice change for Craftymama and I. (Though I may need to change his name to Legaldad or something ha ha ha). It would give Craftymama and I some relationship time together - we are hard pressed for alone time between the kids and always having a room mate home.
Things on the HWB front have calmed. She is still crazy but mostly keeps the crazy to trying to get her kid back, whom Cableman has all but forgotten about these days it seems. It's wonderful to partially close that baby-mama-daddy drama chapter of our lives. The story will never end completely, but it's not the forefront anymore.
Life keeps plugging along in our backwards kind of life. But its working, and the kinks are slowly but surely being figured out.
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