What I Learned From a Tiger

These are not true colours - it is much more neon and bright!

So this is my bathing suit. It's neon rainbow with a tiger face on it. It happened on one foul trip to WalMart. The kids were all really into swimming and really wanted to swim with us, and I didn't have a bathing suit. So Craftymama and I went to WalMart, because it's cheap. She saw this one and dared me to try it on.

Here's the thing. I've gained weight, I know it, everyone who knows me knows it. It makes shopping for clothes a depression inducing adventure. Now, imagine going bathing suit shopping. I looked at my other options, there were no plain black suits - none. I could have two pieces, tankinis, or things with fringe and cut outs. I tried this neon tiger face bathing suit on.

Let me tell you. It looks horrible. It is not suited to my body type, it is high cut where it shouldn't be, and low cut in other awful places. It doesn't make my boobs look good - in fact it pancakes them flat. Did I mention it's also bright and attention grabbing.

I bought it.

I bought it for one main reason at the start: if I was going to look awful in every bathing suit anyways, because I hate my body, then I should just pick the ugliest one for laughs. It's better to laugh than cry right?

Well, the kids absolutely love it. J breaks out in giggles yelling 'kitty' every time he sees it. LittleR loves the rainbow and the other kids just think its funny. It's providing smiles all around. It's also taught me a thing or two....

What I Learned From Wearing a Neon Tiger Bathing Suit:

• It's okay if people laugh at me.
• They do. People look at me and I see them giggle. It really is a bright thing, and people just stare and then they laugh to their friends or to themselves. At first I would feign confidence and pretend like I didn't care. Now, I don't care. This bathing suit was cheap, and it makes my kids happy. Why does it matter what other people think of me? I will never see them again. Further, at least I made them smile - it's always a good thing if you can make another person happy if only for a fleeting moment. 
• It's okay to laugh at yourself.
• Also very true. I used to laugh at myself because I would just be joking with other people making fun of me, but really I would just be hating myself the whole time. This tiger has taught me to actually laugh at the things I do. Again, it's better to laugh than cry. 
• Personal growth does not come from hating yourself. 
• Until very recently I believed that I couldn't improve my mind or my body unless I hated it enough. I believed that I wouldn't be motivated to change unless I was truly disgusted with what I had become. Well, when I first got this suit, and I first put it on - I couldn't have felt worse about myself. It's ugly and it looks like shit on me. It was only after I embraced it and the way I looked in it that I became motivated to change. I am currently wearing it about 3 times a week minimum to go swim lengths at the pool in an effort to lose weight. I wear it proudly. It will be a gloriously happy day and a sad day when this suit is too big for me!
• Going outside your comfort zone can be exhilarating. 
• I normally try to hide with my clothes. To blend it, to not stand out. This is the opposite of that. I can't help but stand out. It's kind of fun and exciting to be different and to go against the grain. Normally speaking, someone of my size would wear a plain, probably black, swim suit, with a cover up. It's not normal to see something so bright. I like being different. I have always been proud of being different, and this has given me confidence to be different in my clothing and to not be so hard on myself for what I can and can't wear. (I have since bought a skirt! I never wear skirts!)

One purchase made out of self-hatred and a dare from Craftymama. One purchase has changed my perspective on myself. It's a remarkable and very welcomed thing.

Now let's hope these revelations stick around for a bit and are not forgotten too easily.