Hope

I had my second ECT treatment on Thursday. It went much better. I wasn't sobbing or hysterical. I was calm and collected. I asked questions this time: like about whether or not you need training to actually do ECT (no, it isn't mandatory, by the Dr. doing mine is certified). I was coherent enough right when I woke up to be able to tell them, when they asked me, what meds I was on and what dosages I was taking. It was weird to not be so confused. The headache started nearly instantly, and the body aches never completely went away from the first time - but I am kind of used to them now and don't really notice them unless I pick up the kids, or carry heavy things. The amazing thing was on my drive home the next day I starting crying. For the first time in an insanely long amount of time I felt happy. Like truly happy. It was overwhelming. The feeling lasted for about 6 hours, and then I returned to my usual state - but it gives me hope. I haven't had a lot of hope lately.

I've been thinking about my old job. I've been wondering if they actually want me back or if this medical issue of mine was just a convenient excuse for them to fire me without having to feel too guilty about it. I am still incredibly...hurt? I don't know at no longer being there. I honestly felt like it was my baby too. If it ever gets to where we intended it to be, it's going to be hard for me not to be involved. I don't know that I'll go back. It won't be the same. I will always feel looked at. I doubt they will ever give me any major responsibility because they will be afraid it will overwhelm me. I don't want to be treated with kid gloves. I will miss them. They were truly like a family to me.

It's time now to start thinking about what I and we are going to do next. Where do we want to live? How do we want our lives to look? We both know that living the 'typical' 'expected' 'normal' lifestyle didn't really make either of us happy. We want to get back to the basics. We don't really know what that looks like. We are currently trapped in this house, and stuck waiting to see if I've been approved for both the capitalization program through our mortgage company and for disability benefits. We are in limbo and it's very difficult to make plans.

Several people have again thrown the idea of being a waldorf teacher at me. I am considering it. But there still is the issue of paying for tuition and books and what not. I can't take out student loans for it. I need to figure something out, and soon.