What makes you happy?

When I was younger I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. People always told me I'd make a good teacher or lawyer and so for a while, some of the time, I incorporated those ideas into my own being. The only thing I can actually remember wanting to be myself is a farmer - but I think that was partially rebelling against academics.

I went to university, I got a degree. I wanted a major in history but being the responsible one I knew there was no career in that, so I went with criminology. There are lots of jobs with a crim degree. I graduated, doing most of my degree via distance education. Then I got pregnant. 

I had k, things all changed. Both glassman and I agreed that I should stay home to raise out kids, and soon after, I wanted more kids - lots of kids. Things changed again after we had littleR. Soon I found myself in a position where I needed to go back to work. At first it don't matter what I did. It was going to be a part time, supplementing of income thing. I got a job at a coffee shop, I liked it there but the mangers were crap. I got another job at a local head shop and had no qualms quitting the coffee shop. The head shop soon turned into working at a lab, then in marketing, then as senior bookkeeper, and now back down to marketing. My part time job turned into a full time job out of necessity. I now had to work, we depend on me working. 

So here I am, nearly four years after I re entered the work force and I am again asking myself the question of what I want to be; though not when I grow up because I'm already there. I don't have the luxury of being able to hop from job to job, or take the time to figure out what it is that I want to do for the next 35 years. 

I feel trapped. There are aspects of my new job at my work that I unexpectedly enjoy - like designing labels. But there are many things I don't enjoy. Craftymama keeps telling me to find new work, keep trying things until I find something that makes me happy. 

I need to make a certain hourly wage in order to support us. I can't get that just going anywhere. I have no skills. My degree is now essentially just for bragging rights, it serves no good in the employment field. I have nowhere to start. Worse than that - I have no ideas of what it is I want to be doing. Nothing calls to me, nothing seems right. 

I have worked with the company I'm with now since before it was born, as it has grown - so have I. My boss has helped me out of some really tight spots. I feel a loyalty to them and him, but I know loyalty isn't enough. There is also the familiarity. Learning a whole new job in a whole new field with new people is not a walk in the park, the thought of doing that, especially when I have no transferable skills to bring to the table, is scary. 

I don't know what makes me happy. I don't think I ever really have. I've always lived someone else's dreams or done things out of obligation. Now I find myself facing the rest of my life at nearly 29, and I am completely lost and clueless.