Mistakes

I have been back at work for...idk..15 days? It's really different work from what I was doing - obviously. It's retail for starters, and I am a nobody, I am the bottom of the proverbial totem pole. I get along with everyone I have met, I have learned a lot about cannabis - I meant I knew a lot already from Salvation Botanicals, but I am learning more. I am approaching cannabis from three points of interest: recreational, medicinal, and spiritual. Not many people are into the spiritual aspect, but it's an avenue I am exploring - with craftymama by My side. It's really kind of cool to learn all about these different methods of ingestion, and what works for different things and different people. I love trouble shooting what they are looking for and giving suggestions. Plus everyone who comes into a dispensary is pretty chill - except that one woman who wasn't..but that's okay, it was exciting. It's run a lot more business like which I wasn't expecting. I kind of wish it was more relaxed, but in an industry like this I can appreciate why it has to be, especially with new legislation coming into effect soon. Plus - Staff Discount! I don't work that often, partially by design, and partially by scheduling. I'm honestly okay with that, when I got the job I kind of wished I had waited longer to look and had some more completely work free time. So this works. Financially...well..I'm not stressed, but..it's a change. craftymama is pulling in good money from HCD so that is definitely helping a bit too!

I have had moments of panic, mostly in the last like week or so, that I made a mistake. I left a career potential job, that had stability, My only friends, a living wage..really I was quite lucky. I left it all with no back up plan. And I took what is to most people an entry level position, paying $2 an hour less, with less hours. I told one group of people and was asked if I would still be looking for something else, implying that this work isn't good enough. It's not what one would think of as a long term thing - and maybe it won't be for Me, nothing is keeping Me there, but I realized that there is so much more to life than having a job that is seen as successful by other people. I don't mean that in a bad way. I don't mean that people shouldn't strive for success. What I mean is that everyone should strive to make their own success - and for one person that may be a long term stable job, for another that may be making a certain amount of money, and maybe for Me at least right now, it looks like spending more time with My family. Eventually, I want to actually do more things, have more adventures - get up before sunrise and have coffee as the day begins...etc..etc...but I am working on that. craftymama calls it de-working...kind of like kids need de-schooling...I want to start utilizing My time more. Listening to lectures and podcasts of stuff I want to learn about, and formulate how to make money while traveling in the bus. I want to get outside more, see more places, be amazed more.

I still worry, sometimes, that I made the wrong decision. Everything changed when I left. My outlook on life, My relationship with craftymama and the kids and glassman, finances, vehicles...everything is different. craftymama and I were talking the other day about pivotal moments in our lives, where if we had made one different decision absolutely everything about our lives would be different. The decision to join the mom's group was one of them for sure for Me, and quitting My job is another. I am fairly confident it was the right decision. My therapist tells Me it was...HaHa!

2 Weeks

I got a job.

I submitted resumes to random places - places I wasn't qualified for, places I was just mildly intrigued by (garbage man!? Hell Yeah!). I had 3 interviews, and a 4th scheduled. I was offered 2 full time jobs - one as a supervisor. I told them both I did not want to work full time, and that I only wanted to work 3 days per week, but I was okay with working 10 hours per day if they wanted. I was expecting at least one of them to back out - as they were both looking for full time employees. Both places got back to Me and said they would do that. The coffee shop that wanted Me as a supervisor, wanted 3-4 days at 10 hours per day, and paid less. The other place, a dispensary, wanted 8 hours per day 3 days per week and paid more, with benefits after 3 months. The dispensary also said that when they expanded in Nanaimo they intended to make Me a keyholder. I honestly just want a job I can go to, talk to people, have interesting conversations, and then go home. I don't want to be relied on - so we will see if I take keyholder position if/when it is offered to Me. It is pretty cool that both places wanted Me so badly that they were willing to offer Me exactly what I wanted.

These last two weeks have been amazing for Me. Craftymama and I took off to Tofino a week ago. We intended to go for a hike on Gabriola, got sidetracked, headed North on the island, and she randomly said let's go see Tofino - as I had never ever been there. When we got to Port Alberni, I think she jokingly said let's spend the night, and so we did. It was a very non Me thing to do. It was spontaneous, and not logical, but I got rid of logical brain and we went and I did not think about finances at all. It was amazing. Tofino was amazing. I wanted to hate it, I really did. But I couldn't. It took My breath away oh so many times, and it was perfect. I would be happy going with Craftymama on adventures around everywhere. I want to do things that amaze Me and take My breath away. I don't need a fixed home, I would be happy travelling. We intend to buy a bus, convert it into a house, and then travel around. I am so beyond stoked.

On top of Tofino, these unemployed weeks have been quite transformational in a very quiet sense I guess. I have realized the importance of doing things - whether it's work, kids, anything - that make you happy. Your own selfish happiness can be prioritized while you are being a responsible adult etc. I wish I didn't have to go back to work, but as it stands that is what needs to happen, so it's okay. I actually believe that craftymama and I will get our bus, and will actually do these things that we have been talking about for years. We are working towards something, as opposed to just surviving each day. I am enjoying each day, as opposed to waiting for tomorrow or some specific set of scenario in order to be happy.

I have walked the dog, I have danced, I screamed as loud as I could when no one was around. I have done errands, I have been here when My kids get home and been able to pick them up as well as drop them off. I have experienced, in a very small sense, what craftymama has been doing for the last 8 years. I have made dinners and done the dishes and not been ragey about it. It has been challenging in that I talk a lot less to people, but in exchange, I am watching people a lot more and have realized that I really enjoy it. I am really intrigued by people, and want to understand them. I have career aspirations involving understanding people..but that's for another day.

Day 3 of "freedom"

It's been incredibly weird this past few days. I have felt lost with no direction and nothing really I have to do. I mean...I have to get the kids, and walk the dog and things like that. But really...I have very little obligations. Today, for example, I had a job interview at 10:30 this morning. So I woke up, drove glassman to work went out to the airport to grab something for craftymama, came home, switched vehicles and then took the kids to school. Then I came home and had some breakfast/entertained the dog and then got ready for My interview. I have decided that I want to be Myself and authentic. Of course I still want to be professional, but I don't want to go in there and pretend to be exactly what they need me to be - even though I can do that very easily. I want to be Myself and if they hire Me - great, if not - oh well. So I dressed professionally, but still like Myself - used hand moisturizer in My hair to keep the frizz down and went to the interview. I was very over qualified, and its not a job I want anyways. But, honestly, I am not stressed. My interview was 9 minutes long - which is absolutely hilarious considering My last job was 2 interviews of at least 45 minutes in length each. I grabbed coffees, met craftymama after her appointment gave her a hug and the hot beverage and went home. she was going off to work at an event. I went home...and...well...I danced in My living room for a while, did the dishes, scrubbed the cupboards and stove/oven, and then walked the dog. It was great. I had so much fun, and even though it was just cleaning I felt like I had actually accomplished something over the course of the day. At work, I could work all day and still come home feeling like I had done nothing. Then I went at got the kids, LittleR took Me out for coffee, and then I went home. I sat with craftymama and watched K try to make cake and fail but still enjoy herself. I started the cleaning the deck of - well - everything. Then I created some sort of weird yet delicious dinner concoction, made brownies, did most of the dishes. I don't want to be this busy every day, I don't want to necessarily be cleaning this much every day. What I do want is the sense of accomplishment, I want to feel like My days have purpose.

I had the thought while I was walking the dog that I can't actually remember a time when I was this happy with as many aspects of My life as I am right now. Things aren't perfect, they will never be perfect, and there are still some things I want to change, and some things I want to do, but you know what - it's getting there. I feel like quitting My job was the best thing I have done in a long long time (other than getting back together with craftymama). I feel such a sense of relief. I didn't realize how much it was affecting Me as an individual.

I am applying to jobs, and I will go to interviews. I will also wait to find one that is going to work. I don't want to settle. I want to enjoy My life, and I want to live it.

I quit My job yesterday.

I did it again :)

Well really, no one reads this blog - My hope is that one day in 20+ years or so from now when all the kids are older there will be some way to access this now ancient technology to read all these stories of their parents, siblings, and our adventures. Yes, there will be gaps where I didn't write, but something is better than nothing. Because it's been a while, I'm going to do this in point form again with all the updates as it's been since the end of August.

• All the kids are in school. 
• BigR has taken to it amazingly - he is the popular kid and so insanely cool to talk to. He has all these neat beliefs about life. He honestly does not care what people think of him and has friends in every grade. He can also be very exhausting for Me, because he has increasing maturity, but still the processes of a child. 
• K was in therapy, which I wrote about before. It helped, kind of, maybe. I don't know. She is house boss in training - bestowed upon her by craftymama. She does really enjoy cleaning and asks for chores - and then when she is feeling cranky, she tells us we always make her do chores. 
• M is still sensitive. He had a harder time losing the connection to PolyK (more on that later). He is very attached to cableman still, and it breaks my heart sometimes. He is also always bored. He had trouble adjusting to school but has made a great best friend and I am so so happy for him. 
• LiltteR may not be the weirdest kid in her class, apparently that's another girl. Still obsesses with unicorns. She also has glasses. She is very 8 right now, and she is asking a lot of bigger life questions that catch me off guard as I usually expect her head to be full of sparkles and rainbows. 
• J hated his first school, we put him in a second more reggio/waldorf inspired school and it has been amazing for him. He is very attached to craftymama, still. Though he isn't nursing anymore, and now puts himself to sleep. He also zips his own jacket. All My children can zip their own jackets now...that's a weird transition. I no longer dress children. 
• The 4 big kids are going to summer camp at the end of summer. Camp Narnia. I am so excited for them. 
• I did achieve My goal of doing more things as a family - we go to airhouse, have done 4cats classes, we go outside hiking more, we are planning on going camping in a tent this summer, and maybe Mexico at Christmas to visit craftymama's mom and dad. 
• We all still live together. 
• craftymama and I got back together officially in November. I finally just asked her if we could stop pretending we weren't together and just say it. She did end things with PolyK - the final straw was when they went out for dinner. 
• Being with craftymama has been nothing short of amazing. We often ask each other if other people feel like we do. I honestly feel like I know her on some sort of other level. As I have said oh so many times - she is My person. Our relationship is most certainly different than the last go around. It is much healthier (yay personal growth and therapy lol), and more loving, and more suited to who we are as people. I cannot spend enough time with her. We are that disgusting couple people hate. I will probably have an entire entry where I talk about her - it's coming. 
• craftymama, when things firmly ended with PolyK, entered a depression. This resulted in medication, therapy, and a lot of personal work on her part. I learned through talking with her, and attending therapy with her how abusive PolyK was, and a lot of things that happened. she has had a lot of trauma to go through, and I am nothing but proud of her for not avoiding this and doing the hard things. her experiences with PolyK have definitely affected how I relate to her and our relationship (more on that later too maybe). 
• I broke up with SS in January, and also stopped seeing FWB. I have had questions from friends as to whether this was because of Craftymama. It wasn't. SS is an amazing person and I love engaging with him intellectually. He wasn't, however, very good at all with emotions. Which I knew when I first started talking to him. He did not show any desire to change or learn or anything. He is content with who he is and does not feel he should have any considerations of other people. I am a very emotional person, and I needed something who at least wanted to try. FWB and I were great, we both knew what we wanted and what we were to each other. But, idk...I guess it was My relationship with craftymama but I was realizing things about Myself and it wasn't working with him in the same way anymore. What I wanted changed I guess. 
• craftymama became a doula last year and had her own practice, West Coast Doula, she was going to partner with the Wellness Clinic, but through a series of events she ended up meeting two other women and the three of them formed a partnership company called Harbour City Doulas. They officially opened in February have done so amazingly - apparently this is something Nanaimo really needed. They have partnered with the biggest Midwife Clinic in the city, as well as doing Parks and Rec classes, specialized classes with other businesses, developed a working relationship with local Aboriginal organizations - it's honestly incredible and I hope they realize how incredible this is. she loves what she does, and I love watching her do it. It's hard having her on call. she is on call or working all the time. Partially because of the nature of her career, and partially because it's her own business so there is behind the scenes stuff. I get huffy sometimes because we can't really plan things all that well, or when she is on call we can't go anywhere, ad she has been called away in the middle of things. I am definitely supportive, but I think it's also normal to have some frustrations sometimes, and not even with her, but just with the situation. 
• craftymama and I have been hiking a lot. We have some big hikes we want to do so are kind of practicing for them. I can't believe how much I love it and I keep kicking Myself for not doing it before. 
• We have been giving a lot of thought to what we want our lives to look like. Our kids are older now, so we have more freedom than we used to. Plus neither of us want our stories to be stories of being parents. We want to do more, experience more, and enjoy life. We want to convert a bus and then live in it when the kids are gone. 
• I have also been giving a lot of thought to My life. I have been having a hard time with society lately and how we live, and the things we do and how we think. I have realized that My enjoyment of arguing is not because I like to argue, but because I like to learn the other side to understand it. I LOVE understanding people. I love making them feel things, especially uncomfortable things. I have felt really different from most people - and craftymama has commented something similar as well. I have been thinking about what kind of life I want to lead, and I don't want to be working all the time, and stuck at a job that doesn't fulfill Me or leave Me enough time with My family or to do the things I want to do on a day to day or even week to week basis. I want to start living life instead of just managing it. 
• To that end, I quit My job yesterday. My full time stable job. I mean the environment was not what I wanted anymore, and there had been some issues. But still, it wasn't that bad at all. It was quite good. My best friends, My very very best friends are also there and without them I wouldn't have stayed as long. But, I don't want to commute an hour each way and work 8 hours 5 days per week. That's not the life I want. So I quit. I handed in My resignation, cried, hugged My boss, took a plant and went home. I cried lots. Grieving, craftymama says. Because of My friends, and how I was losing such a big part of My life. 
• Today, My first day of freedom I guess I felt very lost and without direction. I had nothing I had to do. I kind of just floated this morning. I want to create a list of things I want to do and do those. 
• I am looking for another job. I will work anywhere part time, but if it's full time - it can't be soul sucking. 
• It's a time of change and transition. I am excited and scared and sad and so many things. But...I think My adventure starts here.

external motivation

I wish I was one of those people who had decent internal motivation, that inner drive to do things and set goals and have accomplishments. I feel like I would be far less frustrated with myself if I worked this way. 

As I am learning, I do better with external motivation. For example, I've been trying to go th gym for the past two mornings - could not/would not get out of bed in time. This morning, because of the bet with my coworker, I had no problem. I love to be praised, though, I don't beg for it. I just know I work better when it is someone else's expectation for me, or goal for me. 

It's really frustrating, and I'm realizing I need to switch that around a bit...

Balance

How do you balance spending time with your kids, and doing stuff for yourself? I work until 430p on weekdays, and don't usually get home until about 530p. Then there is usually dinner and what not, and my kids are so excited to see me - I never even make it up the stairs without them meeting me.

Today, after two failed morning attempts to go to the gym, I made a goal to run on our treadmill tonight - just to do something. I need physical exercise for a lot of reasons. I had a long ass day at work, and mentally/emotionally I was feeling like absolute shit. It was a really hard day. But as I got home, I saw J's bike that we had just got him sitting in essentially the same place it was when we took it out of the van two days ago. So, I thought to myself, I'll take him for a bike ride, and then I'll run. So I went in the house, got changed into running clothes, briefly spoke with Craftymama and took J out. We didn't last long as it was "hard and scary", but at least we got out there. It was also insanely hot outside, which made me not to run, but still, I was going to run.

So I get back inside, and am cooling off and K asks me to come into the living room so we can talk. She likes to talk. I tell her I am trying to motivate myself to go for a run. And then the guilt sets in. This child has not seen me all day, all she wants is to talk to me for a bit - how could I not talk to her? So, I go to the living room, and we talk. She tells me about her day, and her therapy appointment yesterday, and anything else she wants to say. It was nothing significant, but it was time spent with her. Then LittleR comes up and wants to do my makeup. The girls love doing my makeup and hair, and I remember doing my mom's hair as a kid, and it's a really fond memory for me. At first I say no, because, you know, I want to run. Then - more guilt. So I say sure, and she does - this time not drawing designs or unicorn horns on my face with mascara thankfully.

But by this point, I am feeling drained from the day and I have lost all motivation, and my mental/emotional fortitude is gone, and I know I need to be up and leave my house at 530a because I have a bet with a coworker. So I'm like fuck it, not running.

But then I just feel like shit. And I'm cranky and miserable, and in a mopey place. Craftymama - who is going for her own run after J is asleep, tells me I suck, and I know it's true. And I'm just done.

I went to my bed just before 8:00p, and just gave up entirely on the day. I'm frustrated. I'm done. And maybe sleep will reset me...

But really...how do I say no to my kids who just want my time in the evening when they haven't seen me all day? How is that fair to them? I will have years without them when they move out, these are the times when I need to be continuing to strengthen that relationship with them, and it feels wrong and selfish to not do it. I don't know. I'm cranky.

All smiles

I had an amazing weekend. Honestly can't remember what I did Friday. But on Saturday, Craftymama had a baby market in parksville so she left early to do that, I dropped the boys off at cableman's house, grabbed a coffee, returned home to Glassman finishing feeding the remaining children lunch. Then loaded them into the van and headed to parksville ourselves. Glassman had errands to do, so he did that while I took the kids. We visited Craftymama at the market (oh my god, the tiny humans there, if they didn't grow - I would completely have another baby). Then we headed off to helicopter park to play in the water and the giant playground. We are some mini donuts, and made our way home, dropping the girls off at Glassman's dads on the way.

That night after all three boys were in bed I was coerced out by Craftymama to a pub with her friends. I had so much fun. We played music poker bingo, annoyed the hell out of other tables and just had a blast. One of her friends drove us home, and we came home to pizza being delivered, and then we laid on the couch together talking before going to sleep.

Today, we woke up, Craftymama and I went to pick up the car we had left at the pub and I went grocery shopping. Came home and she made me an egg sandwich, coloured with J and got ready to go. Craftymama loaded her kayak onto the car, and the boys and Glassman and I took the van and picked up a new used bike for J - his first with pedals! He has been on a run bike until now. It has flames so it's a win even though it isn't blue like he requested.

We met Craftymama and the girls at Airhouse, and we all spent two hours jumping like idiots inside a giant indoor trampoline park. God it's so much harder and more of a workout than I thought. I understand how it is a sport. Craftymama left to go kayaking and we took the kids for cold drinks. Dinner was made, consumed, children bathed and entertained. I went for a walk and this adorable little child took a liking to me. Lost track of time and raced home, to watch Game of Thrones with Glassman. I won't give anything away, but that was the season finale to end all season finales.

It was just a great weekend, and I wanted to document it for those times when I worry I don't do enough with the kids, or that nothing good happens. Good happens. Fun happens. Memories are made.

Present

Sometimes it's important to just exist in the moment. Let your thoughts be captivated with what is going on in the here and now, instead of analyzing what things mean. I'm getting better at that - and it has taken a lot of practice. Tonight I am going to bed with a feeling I can't put my finger on.

Also - didn't go to the gym today. But, did go out for drinks with Craftymama and her friends. So..uhh...balance?

Fail.

Made a goal and a plan to go to the gym I want to join today to check it out. Had the longest day at work where all of the things needed to get done, they did not all get done - and I was mentally exhausted. Still - going to the gym.

Get home late and spent time  with kidlets - because I miss them and memories and all that sappy shit. Lego makes me tired, who knows why. Still - going to the gym.

Get up to go to the gym - am reminded it is my turn to do dishes. Dishes make me cranky on a good day, and this one was already super long and mentally draining.

Fuck it - not going to the gym. Also - not eating because I didn't go to th gym.

This is why I don't make goals.





Going to the gym tomorrow though.

Just a Good Day

Today I had the day off of work. Craftymama had a meeting with a blossoming Women's Health Centre she is hoping to partner up with as a Doula, and the kids had their final swimming lesson so I stayed home to take them, and watch them while she was at her meeting.

It just felt like a really relaxing family day. Yes, there were the crazy moments where the kids were fighting over video games, and J tried to run across the busy road near us - but that's just life with kids.

The big boys were asked to repeat this level of swimming. LitteR passed onto level 3, and was learned she can do a one handed cartwheel.

Craftymama and I kind of talked about the activities we want to put the kids in for the fall: BigR - swimming again. K - Nanaimo Youth Choir. M - swimming again. LittleR - gymnastics and J is hopefully going into a reggio style preschool 3 morning per week. This is the plan...plans seldom work the way we want them to, but we will see.

Spent the evening the Craftymama, and I had a great time just chatting and bitching and all the good things that two women who essentially have no secrets from one another do.

It's days like these that I will miss when the kids are big, and their lives take them in different directions.



Also: for my work people who think that I didnt write this yesterday. I wrote it after midnight, while nearly falling asleep, and accidentally hit save draft, so I posted it this morning. Still counts for yesterday :P

Bed time

ive been struggling with bed time a little bit lately. LitteR goes to bed at 7, K and M at 7:30, BigR at 8, and J sometime between 7-8.

Bedtime is different here, they go to their rooms but they don't have to go to sleep. They can sleep when they want, so long as they are reasonable human beings. But they often complain that their bedtimes are too early, when compared to other people.

And I get it, 7 for an eight year old is early. But, she doesn't have to sleep. And that's why we have established that they go to their rooms at that time. If that were being made to have lights out and go to sleep, we probably would let them stay up later.

But the kids don't get this - they don't realize how awesome it is that they are in control of their own sleep habits. And really, they do an amazing job at it. I don't want them growing up thinking we were mean parents for making them go to bed when the sun is still very clear in the sky, but I also don't want them to lose that wind down time between household chaos and sleep. Selfishly speaking, I like having a guaranteed child free and work free hours in a day. If they were up until even 9, I think I'd feel a little stir crazy...

My theme song poem...

I want to share a poem with you all that I read awhile ago, but so perfectly resonated with me that I still think about it. In fact, my Reddit username is based off of it:

I fall into the junk drawer of human existence.
In the way that no one knows what to do with me.
Or more accurately,
I don't know what to do with myself.
Like some oddball key that you haven't used
In 7 years but are sure it locks or opens
Something important.
Or a cable that powers a device
That was left at the beach three summers ago.

"What the hell is this thing?"
"I don't know, but don't throw it out."

That's me.
The don't throw it out things that's in the drawer
Filled with other human beings that don't quite
Fit in the silverware organizer or the mug cabinet.

And maybe it's a good way to live and maybe
It's also a drag some days not knowing what you're
Meant for.
Maybe you're a writer or an artist or a this and that
Some kind of person and you feel lost more than found.

That's cool. At least we're in the same drawer.
And maybe that's the purpose of not having
A fixed purpose.
To team up with other misfits and weirdos,
To do things that haven't been done before.

-Topher Kearby

Personal Goal

I'm going to join a gym, or something. I'm going to try to be more active. By the end of September I will be more regularly active.

Vancouver

Just that city name, when said on its own has a whole story, and meaning behind it. But the 8 of us went there today to visit J's sperm donor, who I am sure I have talked about on this blog in the past but cannot find it for the life of me so I am going to call him A. We also went to the waterslides.

It was a long and fun day for everyone. I am tired, so again, I'm going to do bullet points.

• J immediately took to A. They were chatting at breakfast, and then played at the park together. I have feelings to process because I had to work so hard for a connection with J, and how immediate it was for the two of them, makes me wonder if genetics can make a difference somehow. 
• A has other donor children, Id like to learn more about them. 
• A and J look so much alike! 
• M is not a morning person, school is going to be fun...
• Waterslides were great, everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, and do things that scared them. 
• I, too, like waterslides. 
• Glassman is a child at heart, and I love him for it. 
• Ferries are so much more boring when you have children. I enjoy them more alone. 
• I want to try to do more things as a family.
• I have reaffirmed my desire to get family pictures taken. It feels important to me and I can't pinpoint why. 

Levelling up in adulting

The kids are older now, so they have bigger problem (don't worry I know they will continue to grow).  Mostly gone are the days where a hug and distraction and a little love (maybe a cracker too) could solve what befalls them. 

We live in a community where there are other kids. We know of these kids, maybe have seen them, but we aren't the type of parents or people to always go to the park across the street with them, or introduce ourselves to every parent. Maybe we should be...

Just this week two incidents have happened that we have to take action on, and I honestly don't feel that I am adult enough to handle it. I mean, I will because that's my job, but I am again back to the days when I had a newborn and I felt like I was making it up as I went along. 

There is a boy in the neighbourhood, it has been sad he is between the ages of 18-25, a recent report on the community Facebook group says 22. K has taken a liking to him and was hanging around him. I don't necessarily have problems with my kids having friends of different ages - I don't automatically assume that people are out to get my kids. But the frequency in which this boy seemed to seek out my kids, especially K, made us uncomfortable. So we told her not to hang out with him anymore, talked about being safe etc. That was a few months ago, and we never heard about him again. So this week, in that community group, someone posts about him and how he seems to be exhibiting grooming behaviours with the kids: having them pretend to be him, and videotaping them, and hanging upside down while wearing dresses etc. There was an incident where the neighbours confronted him and the police were called. The individual has been talked to by the rcmp, and has a file open. After learning this, we talked to our kids and found out that the videotaping etc was with them, and they were there when the police were called. They didn't tell us this. We need to find a way to get them to listen to their inner voice when something isn't safe. I don't want them to fear people, but I need them to be safe. 

Then, there is this other group of boys who live close by who have been bullying my kids. I say bullying, but really, until recently, it was all pretty harmless. We told that these boys would call names at my kids, and I know my kids call other kids names - I heard them. So I just let it go as like kid politics that they needed to learn how to work out on their own. Well, I guess these boys were making Finn of my kids and another child, and either (depending on who you ask), they were taunting BigR that he was weak, and goading him into punching them, or they pushed first. Either way, BigR punched one of the kids and gave him a bloody nose. Like - my kid has given someone a bloody nose, I've never even done that to a person. We enforced with BigR that we weren't mad at him - we aren't. But we do need to address this issue: especially since the likelihood is that this boy will be in BigR's class at school. 

Then on top of all of that, K has been having severe anger management issues. Hurting others physically and emotionally, threatening to hurt herself - she basically goes psychotic when angry. And we were out of tools to help her, while maintaining our own well being and sanity. So we found a counsellor and she goes there once a week. 

Like my kids are dealing with some shit, these are big life lesson issues we are starting to deal with. How we, as parents, handle them will definitely impact how they view themselves and the world as they continue to develop. I don't feel prepared for this. I don't feel capable. It's a lot of pressure. I feel like we are entering new territory now - and are fumbling. I miss the days where nursing fixed everything, and I didn't have to worry so much about outside influences. 

Too Old for Games

I'm too old for games, and yeah I know I'm not that old. I've realized, however, in the last year and especially since my relationship with handshake that I simply don't have time for people's shit. Not in the sense that I don't care, but...just tell it to me like it is. Don't beat around the bush, just say what you mean and we will go from there.

That's the approach I've taken with Craftymama and it feels good to be honest. It's the approach I've taken with friendships, and work relationships, and nearly all my interactions with people. You don't have to be mean, but you can still be honest.

This has been incredibly evident in my..I don't know..kinda sorta relationship with SS. From the get go I told him I was blunt and honest and I wasn't afraid to say what I thought. He told me he was very much the same way, and although very stubborn, he appreciated someone who could actually communicate and disagree with him in an intelligent yet respectful manner. The first time we actually sat down in person we talked about everything: politics, spirituality, sex, past relationships, personal challenges - all the things on the usual "do not discuss" list. It was an amazing chat, and it established a dynamic right at the onset where no topic is off limits for challenge or discussion.

It's an interesting situation, especially now with him being away, to have the same type of dialogue going. I am concerned I will lose some of this nerve in person, because most of our interactions are via text. Though I know, from experience, that this is not the case when I'm in his presence. It's still worrying. 6 weeks is a long time for a new whatever we are. And I am not good at long distance.

I quite like him. Sometimes I worry I am not ready for a relationship, or that my life is too fucked up and I shouldn't bring someone else in. But, at least so far, he is making me happy. We mesh in a lot of healthy and positive ways. Though his insatiable optimism makes me want to smack him sometimes.

With him there has been no games. I have been forthright with everything, as has he. It feels authentic. Now...I jut wish he would come back.

Medication

So while I was under the care of my psychiatrist, he was giving me samples of my medication because it was so expensive - but it was the only one out of so so so many that actually worked.

Well, as I said, he dumped me and put me under the care  of my GP, who can't give me free samples. So I haven't been taking my meds since mid may.

I'm thinking I need to find a way to get them. Some of the symptoms are beginning to interfere with my daily life. I can handle the overreactions, and mood swings and all that stuff. But it's the other stuff that I have no tools for that I can't figure out..:like disassociation, and hallucinations, and black and white thinking and I could to on...

I write this tonight because my thought is, if I put it out into the world like this then I will be more likely to actually make it happen.

School Supplies

So, my 4 big kids are going to school in the fall. Craftymama tried to make a democratic free school and when she began she had all the community support and enrolment needed and then VIHA and the Ministry of Education out a halt to it, so she worked through all their red tape, and was certified and able to go but could not get the entollment. Iss for the best, Craftymama wanted a democratic free school to exist, but I don't think she really wanted to run one. 

However, she is also very done with staying home with this kids. This summer had been so challenging for her with all of them home. The girls went to school last year, their choice. So we made the decision to send the older boys as well this year so Craftymama can focus on her doula work, and so that,  hopefully, everyone is happier. I'm nervous for my boys, but maybe I'll get into that on another entry. 

Tonight - we went school supply shopping...my thoughts are as follows: 

• I have 4 kids going to school, and needed 13 erasers. This is stupid. 
• BigR is in grade 6 and needs: 10 duotangs, a 2" binder with 400 sheets of paper, and a note book - there are not even 10 school subjects. WTF is he putting in all of those?
• Again, I have 4 children going to school - and I needed 5 pairs of scissors. Stupid.
• Also, 6 pencil sharpeners.
• Purchased 100 pencils tonight, am convinced they snack on them at lunch time.
• Was required to buy a non bendy ruler, noticed that they no longer make those wooden rulers available (likely due to some kid cutting himself on that damn metal part).
• What is a key tab notebook? And if it is not available in a common, well stocked, big box store - then I shouldn't have to buy it. So I didn't. 
• Remember when the school had headphones for people to use? Yeah, now you have to supply them, and they aren't cheap, and there are 4 children, and they can't be ear buds.
• I bought 15 Tupperware containers for lunches - I give it 3 weeks of school before matching lids no longer exist. 
• Why does a backpack cost $5 and a lunch bag (about 1/6th the size) cost $20?
• If you ever want to see women coming together, supporting each other - send them school supply shopping at 9p. 

My son M

M and I have a challenging relationship. He is nearing 9. we have a challenging time relating to one another, my attempts at showing him new things, or helping him, or being affectionate usually end in him angry. None the less, I love my son very much and I will keep trying to show him things, and help him and love him.

I try to do something special with each of the kids individually. I usually ask them what they want to do for "mii mii time" and then if it's feasible, I make a plan and do it. M wanted to go to Victoria and go to a waterfall, and then have spicy food.

I googled and I asked people who lived there, and I could only really find one waterfall: Goldstream park, pretty close to Victoria. I warned M that there is construction on the highway and the drive can take 3 hours - he still wanted to go. So I got up this morning, we drove, he was very quiet and didn't want to chat, we got to the park,  finally found parking; asked for directions and hiked to the falls. It was gorgeous. It was like being in an enchanted rainforest, everything was glowing, and the water was clear. Words cannot describe how beautiful it was.

We talked a bit as we stood there, and as we walked back to the car when he was done. I let him decide when he wanted to go. We then drove back to Duncan and went to my favourite Indian food restaurant where M tried butter chicken for the first time. We talked here more, but nothing really deep or meaningful or connecting. But he seemed to be having fun and was happy, which is all that mattered to me. Then we drove back home.

I worry that M will not feel like I cared about him like I do his siblings because there isn't that same connection. I don't love him less at all, I just am at a loss. The only thing I can do is continue to be there for him when he wants me, answer his questions, tell him I love him, and make sure I make time for him (as he doesn't demand my time like the other kids do)

Oh and I'd post pictures from today but I can't figure out how to do it from my phone :)

Choices

Today I did something different. I tried something different. I am not able, at this time, to put into words what I did. Essentially, I made a choice to have a different mind set or viewpoint of my life and how I react to experiences.

I felt genuine, pure, raw joy today.

It was addicting.

I have no preconceived notions that I will be able to emulate what I did today every day. But I do have confidence I can incorporate this new way of looking at the works more seamlessly into my every day.

If I can get it into words, I will.