Finding a Balance

This is my 4th week back at work full time. In the grand scheme of jobs it's a really good job. It pays well, they provide awesome coffee in the kitchen in the office, they do lunch for everyone every Thursday; it's just a good place to work. It's not my dream career, working in a funeral home is, but you know it's not bad. 

However, finding a balance is hard. I find the transition from work to home really hard. The 15 minute drive home just isn't enough or isn't the right thing to help make that more smooth. At work, I'm in an office by myself. I'm constantly answering phones, talking to people, checking my email in between phone calls and conferring with other staff about shipping or prices or some other thing. It's busy, and my mind is always working and thinking but it's quiet. At home - it's chaos. There is't the same kind of thinking at home. There are 5 of them and when I get home at least one of them is cranky, and one of them is off the wall insane/energetic. Craftymama is tired - rightly so, and everyone is hungry as it's nearly dinner time. 

I don't know how to come into my own house where expectations of me are completely different without losing my cool a bit. I lose my patience with the kids quicker than I have a right to, I take my frustration with myself at being unable to cope out on Craftymama and Glassman when he gets home shortly after me. 

I want to be able to come home in the evenings and listen to what my kids did that day and not be thinking about work or the 50 things I have to do at home that night. I want to be able to read them stories and not wonder when the book will be over. I want to be present with them in a meaningful way. I don't know how to do it. 

I wonder if I knew how to do it when I was working before, or if I was at least better at it. Maybe I wasn't. I don't remember. I don't know if this is something I have aways struggled with and always wanted to fix - but I know it's something I want to fix now. We are all entitled to our bad days - but I have no right or desire to make every evening with my kids bad because I can't handle change.